I am new here. But don't feel "new" to the reality of my life now.
I will explain to you how it all began. Then hopefully you can give me some wisdom.

My H was working out of state. He was to be doing that for 5 mos. He came home every weekend or we ( my kids and I ) would make the drive to see him. The entire time he was away I was apprehensive about the seperation. We have been married 24 yrs. and this was the first time. He also is 43 yrs. old.( the age of mid life ) I knew that temptation especially in the "city of sin" would mabe become a problem especially if he were to go out and drink.(he was in Nevada)

Well, my worst fears came true. It started when he would NOT give me a key to his hotel room. I starting "feeling" then that something was terribly wrong.

Then we had terrible talks. He would tell me how he needed someone who would be his companion and who liked to do things more than me. I talked and assured him I would be more spontaneous and go on a whim like he wanted.( we have 3 kids ) It seemed I was at that point taking a lot of blame for him feeling not so "happy". I knew there was more to it!!

I would plead with him about not going out at night in the "city of sin" and he would lie and tell me that he wasn't. That is until one night I called his hotel room (instead of his cell phone! ) Finally got smart on that one. And he didn't answer the phone. Not at all. All night. When I finally did talk to him....he told me he had been with the guys gambling and drinking beers and the time got away from them.
I knew for sure I wasn't CRAZY at this pt.

When our AEX bill arrived I notice that his little "cheap" mexican food place bill doubled. This was a place he told me that he really liked but when I visited him there he did not want to go eat there because he had "it" already a couple of times that week!! (another hint) Well, you can guess what he said when I questioned why his one bill was 35.oo for only him at this "cheap" little place. Yeah yeah....beer is EXPENSIVE and when you have 4 or 5! Anyways....turns out SHE worked there.

Whenever I talked to him, he would just say "when I get home things will be better". Well......they weren't!! He was not even the same man when he came home. He was evil. He was hateful. He was spiteful and very very distant.

I asked at least 100 times for him to tell me ....I knew he had an A. He denied and denied. Tried to make me think I was crazy.

After he was home he starting looking for a place for us to "get away to". We went to a BB and it was not a cheap get away. $1,200.00 to be exact! Well, DH after a night of my crying because I knew that "this was not my husband anymore" finally spilled his Guts.

Can you imagine waiting until we are 200 mi. from home spending over a thousand dollars for a weekend to tell me this??? I went crazy. Knocked the hat off his head literally and threw all my things into my bag and leaft for the car.

No. I did not leave him there to fend for himself (Because I was still what??? crazy???) The drive home was a nightmare. I think he was scared at times that I would run his side of the car into a giant tree. The "thought" did cross my mind.

Anyways....Here I am sitting reading all the other stories of people and still questioning my DH.

First he told me " I love you, I don't know to what degree"....Then he told me " I didn't think you loved me, I thought is was over". Then he said what knocked him into reality was the whore saying "God wants YOU to be happy too" as she was I guess trying to get him to stay with her and her 2 illegitimate kids. (by the way...that is really all I know about her....don't really think I want to know more)

He slept with her at her house with her kids present~! OMG I could not believe this. I yelled at what kind of man are you??? and what kind of woman is this???? Go be with her!!! pack your things and make a life with her. Go ahead. Go raise her kids....I really thought he would go!


That he would subject innocent kids to his selfishness like that told me he had LOST his mind. They also slept in his hotel room where me and my kids would visit. You think I didn't vomit??? OMG....my blood literally ran like ice thru my veins in discovering the sickening truth about the person I had loved my entire life.

He also DID NOT use any protection with this woman who already has 2 kids from 2 diff. men she had never married. Did he need a clue???? OMG I can't believe how STUPID!

I gave myself the excuse in the beginning that he was going thru mid-life crisis. It really seemed that way to me. Then I excused it with mabe I was a ***** and deserved it. Then I used mabe he got drunk and lost it. FOR 5 weeks???? Naw.

The time is passing and pain is easing and we have worked very hard to try to put our life back together. This is the ONLY man I have in my entire life slept with. I was 15 when we started dating and 18 when we married. This is NOT his charecture at ALL. Nor mine. I would NEVER do this to ANYONE especially someone I said I loved.

He leaft for this job a God fearing man. A sober man. He soon became a heathen!!

I do now have the God fearing man back. And he only has a glass or two of wine with a dinner if we go out. He is sending the flowers. He is "thanking me" for daily needs being met. Telling me "I love you" all the time now. Asking about my love tank. We read the 5 languages of Love! (totally recommend this book )It's sometimes hard to believe....I think some days, not all "how dare you! why weren't you this smart when you wanted to get your rocks off!". Ouch. it even hurts for me think and say things about him because I have afterall Loved him my whole life.

My DD was just Oct.31,2003.
This is hard work but I am so willing to forgive it even shocks me. I think to myself "this was costly little truth he told". But ....he was dying inside. I see that now. He was so evil and hateful for keeping his little secret. He was rotting in his soul.

Unfortunetly for us ( the betrayed ) the pain goes on forever I think. The one who is the betrayer gets out from the pain when they finally come to truthfullness. We tho live with it I guess forever????

That is where I am.
I have forgiven. I have starting healing. I do want my marriage to work and I am greatful that my DH does too.
I remember when I was "crazy" tho and I remember the thoughts I was thinking and I remember that they were true and it haunts me at times.

I am healing but haunted with these thoughts.....
"I wonder if she looked like her" when I see a pretty woman in the mall.
"I wonder if she is calling (when I answer and nobody is there)...he says he NEVER gave her his cell number.

I even look at white cars with blondes in them because I remember a time I was at the hotel and I saw this type of person in a white car drive by me I was suspect of it at the time. So....I check for Nevada license plates.


Here is my question.....How do I start to forget? Can I ever forget? Do I want to?? (I think that is our safety mechanism...if we forget! could be it may happen again )

The "emotions" that go along with being betrayed are forever so painful. I feel "scard" for life. Some days I think......" Does he really love me, or is this just for now?" to get the kids raised, to look o.k with his family, To be o.k with God so he won't go to hell? YIKES..........please any of u who are the betrayer try to understand that your mate is changed for life. That their feelings they will question forever mabe!

This is the Worst thing that has happened in my life..........even facing a family death was not this confusing and hurting. At least people don't die on purpose. People who have affairs might as well cut us with a knive.

My anger is showing the more I type. I am sorry for rambeling on. Just wanted to tell my story.

Hi atrueheart,
I read your post, and understand how you feel. Since I've only had proof a week ago, I am still numb, but my H and I are attempting to regain our marriage.
We had grown apart, and have communication problems that I pray we can work out. He states his remorse, etc.
I do not know how long the grief process will last, but I do know that I have more confidence in the fact that I am not alone. I feel like a stronger person. Odd for me to feel confident, but I guess that's part of healing.

Vivian

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Yes it will be a long hard recovery. But you can make it. Many here go on to a marriage that is better than ever. Your marriage has been tested by fire, and survived.

Most people in recovery never forget, but the pain does go away. I hope that will happen to you.

Believer,
Your right! We sure have survived so far....Walked right through the fire huh??? The only way I can even think of surviving this is thru God. He has I can not tell you how often in the last 9 mos. held me and wiped my tears.
I do believe the only way our marriage survived this so far is by FAITH in God and HARD work. Funny you say...."marriages can be stronger because of it" I was so wondering if it was really possible. I think I believe that our marriage can be and will be because of this. My only wish is that it TOOK THIS A to get us to look at the real problems in M. I think we torture ourselves asking WHY WHY WHY....
Thanks for your response and I love the name!!!
BELIEVE! I do.

Stick with us. There is lots of support here from people who have been through the pain. Read all the information here, especially the "quick clicks" on the home page about how an A should end, overcoming resentment, restoration of the marriage and reconciliation.

Remember they say that recovery is the hardest part. Often the BS's reaction to the A is worse on the marriage than the A itself.

Wow. As I was reading your story I just wanted to reach out and give you a big hug! I know how painful the lies and hard to believe stories are. I am going through it myself right now.

I am glad that you seem to be on the road to recovery. Keep giving him all you have so he will hopefully return the love.

It must've been so hard to be apart for so long!

I wish you good luck and please keep us updated on your progress. There may be some ups and downs from what I've read, but please don't give up. I think our husbands and our marriages are worth it!

Take care!