Yeah, I think the only thing I can do at this point is to just lighten up as much as possible. That will be the best thing for me and the kids, I'm sure I've been less than pleasant at times when she's not around. I've been so focused on Plan A'ing WW, that I've not been Plan A'ing the kids. DD(12) brought that to my attention. Of course she brought up to WW first. Only problem with that though, is DD(12) failed to mention WW is just as guilty about that as I am. WW thinks I'm the only one with the black cloud over my head.

Besides, no reason not to lighten up, I keep getting reminded this is only going to end the way she wants it to anyway. It's time to sit back and see what happens until Plan A time limit is up, or she gets another job, whichever comes first.

Well, talked to WW today and told her that I felt that it was time for the physical seperation until she could make her decision.

I think this is a good thing because it would allow both of us think more clearly, and ease the tension and stress on each of us.

Surprisingly, I'm feeling mixed emotions about this. I'm looking forward to being more free in my own house, but at the same time I hate to see her move out.

This will hurt us financially big time, but we'll have to figure out how to deal with it somehow.

Obviously we still have to work out all the details. I'm not sure if this is going to work like a traditional Plan B. Our MC's idea was to have us still spend time with each other. It's important to both of us that we're both accessible to the girls and can spend time together with the girls.

I'm scared.

Some interesting things that only confuse me even more.

WW had to work yesterday, and I always work Saturdays. Well, WW hasn't called me at work since before Memorial Day weekend. BUT, she called me yesterday, for no appearant reason.

Since I mentioned the physical seperation on Friday, I've tried to maintain an air of indifference, mostly for me to accept what now appears to be inevitable. It's my opinion, once she moves out, it's over, the end. I think this because I know she's still actively sending out resumes, and if she gets a job, I think she'll be gone so fast my head will spin. Not to mention she will for all intents and purposes be single, not having to answer to anyone.

Turns out, WW wanted to go out with her friend from work last night, but her friend decided she didn't want to go out. Guess it's a good thing I thought ahead and bought WW a Tombstone pizza too. This is where the second confusing thing comes into play, I went out for a smoke, WW was already outside playing with her phone. Well, when I was coming back in, she was sitting in the middle of the top step in front of the sliding glass door to the porch. I put my hand on her shoulder to steady myself as I went around her, impulsively, I scratched her shoulder affectionately. She said that felt good, and asked me to scratch her whole back. I paused for a moment in shock, since she's made it abundantly clear she abhors my touch to begin with. So, I obliged, totally shocked.

Got up this morning and made French Toast, sausage links, and Orange Juice. Ok, I didn't make the sausage links or the Orange Juice, but I did cook the sausage links, and drank OJ!

Now, the first 2 pieces of French Toast came out perfect. But, I've discovered how much I hate electric stoves. Appearantly, it was still warming up when I cooked the first 2 pieces, so by the time the next 2 went in, it was too hot, and I burned them. By this time WW was in the kitchen and informed me the stove was too hot and turned it down. Now, I was really hoping I was going to be able to pull this breakfast off perfectly since I had something to prove. I was really upset, and WW merely said now I know why she hates that stove so much. Then she asked me why I was shaking. So I told her, I was upset because I wanted this to be perfect, and all I did was screw it up. She hadn't eaten hers yet, so I was still worried. WW and DD(12) had nothing but good things to say, but I'm not sure if they were only said to keep from hurting my feelings. Then the next weird thing happened, WW hugged me and thanked me for breakfast. She hasn't done that before either.

I'm not done, it gets better. WW went and rode her horse, which is her typical Sunday thing to do. She was gone from 10am to about 2pm. I was outside when she got home, and she stayed outside with me and we watered and weeded the flower beds. OMG, she squirted me with the water hose! Now, she's made me feel like I'm nothing, she has no desire or feelings for me whatsoever, but here she is being playful with me.

Before I mentioned the physical seperation on Friday, we talked about getting new bikes and a bike seat for DD(3). Well, around 4pm we left to bring her horse in and go to the Super WalMart to do some shopping. WW talked about her getting a new bike and giving her old one to DD(12), and me getting one like we had talked about before so we could all go riding together. My first thought was, well, if we're not living together how's this going to work? But, I didn't say anything. We decided on the bikes we wanted, but they only had 2 in stock, 1 was the new 2004 model and a beautiful cobalt blue, the other was the 2003 model and red and silver. WW and I both like the cobalt blue model. WW put it on layaway, and I put in a reserve for a cobalt model when it gets in, and they're supposed to call me and let me know when it's assembled.

Now, here's the final shocking thing that's really got me doing loops. We were in the car and backing out of the parking space when WW say's that's how we need to handle Christmas, by using layaway. It was all I could do to keep my jaw from dropping into my lap. I mean, wtf? If we're seperated, I don't think we're going to be doing much of anything jointly, especially by the time Christmas rolls around.

Now, if WW still wants to do our Monday lunch date, I'll be real surpsised. I'm not going to mention it, but we'll see if she says anything or calls me to let me know what time to pick her up. Of course, if she says something I'll go, but I'm not going out of my way anymore to do anything with her. Hmm, maybe I'll ask her what she's doing for lunch before she leaves for work tomorrow.

Can anyone explain to me wtf is going on? Because I think I'm an idiot, I just don't get it.

Gee, it seems when you are indifferent, she gets more interested. I still don't see her leaving, but we will see.

RW, why are you so surprised? The human condition dictates, (more often then not), that when a person place or thing is too available or easy to acquire, it seems to have less value. You’re a working man…haven’t you always placed more value on those things that you’ve had to struggle and work hard for then those things that just came easy?

Well sad as it is to say, so it seems to be with people and relationships. You’ve drawn an imaginary line in the sand for your W to see. Further, you didn’t do it as a threat or in anger. You drew that line in front of an impartial third party and you did with a clear and precise goal in mind. And in doing so you sent a clear and precise message.

But here’s the thing. I would be very shocked if this has changed your W’s attitude about anything, accept maybe her respect for you as a man and human being…and let’s face it! Coming from where you’ve been during all of this, that’s not to be scoffed at! Other then that however, believing anything else at this point, I think would only be fooling yourself.

Look, RW, you’ve worked hard to do a good plan A but has it crossed your mind that in doing so, you might have gone a bit over board? That maybe you’ve projected yourself as to needy and to willing to accept any of her perfidious attitudes not to mention actions, that she is willing to dish out? After all, look at the woman you’re dealing with. If you had told her that you were going off to visit a friend, to spend an innocent weekend and then spent that weekend in bed with another woman, what would her reaction have been do you think?

It seems that now at last, you’ve taken a course of action that has impacted your W. May I respectfully caution you to not go back to your needy, hoping against hope, accepting of anything she does ways? You can still plan A while standing firm on your principals and standing firm in your resolve…right up until it’s time for her to leave, (and you should have a date in mind that you both agree upon)…then it’s time to go to plan B.

RW, you’ve made the move. You’ve told her it’s time to separate…if you waffle with out her making a firm commitment to the marriage and to you then I can’t help but feel that your marriage will then indeed, really be over!

Oh, she may hang in there for a while longer, tormenting both you and herself but make no mistake…if at this point she doesn’t decide do what she needs to do. then plan B is where you need to go and you need to do a good one! No half @ss attempts but the real thing and by the book.

Good luck.
coach

Believer: Can you explain why you don't see her leaving?

Coach3530: I hear ya! I believe I may have come across as needy and too willing to accept her unacceptable actions, purely in the spirit of avoiding conflict and LB'ing. At this moment, I have every intent of pushing WW out the door. I mentioned it once, on Friday, and I'm not going to say anything else until after they get back from California. So, 3 days later, on 21 July, we should have our next counseling session. If she says anything other than 100% committment to the marriage, I'm pushing her out the door. Then I have every intent of holding as firmly to Plan B as possible. The cake eating is going to stop.

This is laughable, WW still wearing her trophy necklace every day. She comes home and takes it off. So I ask her today why she bothered taking it off. She says, because it bothers you for me to be wearing it. So, I'm like uh, duh, I already know you're wearing it all day, why bother taking it off when you get home? Ok, I didn't actually say that, but I sure as heck thought it. Now what really makes this funny is, I took WW and DD(12) on a picnic lunch. WW wasn't wearing the necklace then. This tells me, she's actually going out of her way to not wear it around me. So I ask you this, WHY? If I already know she has it with her all day, and she wears it when I'm not around, how in the world is she doing me any favors by not wearing it around me?

Right now, I'm just trying to keep things as pleasant as possible until they get back from California. Mostly I'm doing this for DD(12)'s sanity and mine. To be perfectly honest, just actually saying I think it's time for the physical seperation has made it easier to accept, and I think as a result will enforce my conviction in that respect. I told DD(12) to be prepared, because unless she commits 100% and there are some major changes around here, she's out the door.

DD(12) told WW's sister that she knows what's going on. Sister-in-law told DD(12) that she didn't think I should have told her. Well, Sister-in-law told Mother-in-law that DD(12) knows everything, so Mother-in-law felt the need to tell me she didn't think it was right that I told DD(12) and didn't want to hear anything I had to say about it. Now, I'm sure there are people here that probably don't agree either. But I want to make it perfectly clear, she's my daughter, and I've always been 100% honest with her. After what her real mother did to her, which is abandonment, I felt she had the right to know what could happen, and I wanted to make sure she had plenty of time to accept this, then just have it all dumped on her last minute. DD(12) has repeatedly said, she's glad I told her the truth, and that she'd rather know all this now then find out at the last moment. I think this way she is finding acceptance like I am.

Sometimes I believe WW really is confused about what to do, but can't seem to commit one way or the other. Other times I feel like I'm being played. This has got to end. DD(12) and I both are tired of this nightmare, and just want her to get off the fence.

I get up on Monday's and get DD(3) ready for daycare. This morning I was in WW's room since that's where DD(3) always ends up. I was sitting next to WW and we were taking turns tickling DD(3) and then I showed DD(3) the best places to tickle WW. After DD(3) left the room, WW was laying on her side on the edge of the bed. I was kneeling on the floor facing her. I told her I loved her. She asked me why. I told her I already told her before. Then I got up, kissed her, and she kissed me back. I left to get ready to take DD(3) to daycare.

At one point after WW got home she was sitting on the couch. I walked in and directly up to her and kissed her again. A little more slowly this time, but didn't try passionately. I just wanted to see what kind of a response I would get. She kissed me back. But I think I just need to quit doing that though. Especially since she doesn't come to me.

I just want my wife back, and I want her to love me more than anything in the world.

RW, get ready. This is along one and I'm not pulling any punches.

You’re such a sweet guy but reading your posts just breaks my heart. Of course you want your W to love you and want to be with you. Reading your posts painfull.

But RW, you keep doing the same things the same way, over and over! And you can’t understand why nothing changes? You can’t understand why you keep getting the same result?

If for once you would just back off and not make yourself so GD available to her every want and whim...so responsive and attentive to her every word and action...then maybe she would start to get interested in you again.

Maybe if she had to work harder at getting your attention and interest she would put forth the effort. But man, you’re just so obvious and easy for her! You can’t keep your hands off her and she plays you like a fiddle...doling out small amounts of affection...enjoying her ability to control, control, control! And you! You swoon at every little bone she throws you.

Why don’t you get it? You’re playing this thing strait and honest and she’s gaming your head every chance she gets. The truth be told, I’ll bet that your W just doesn't get what it is you want...she just doesn’t get that you are open and sincere and want an honest and loving marriage…she doesn’t get it!

To her it’s all a chess match and forgive me for saying so, but you aren’t much of a match for her. And you want her to believe that you’re actually going to ask her to leave? RW, I don’t believe it and I really like you! Your W doesn’t believe you! Why would she? What have you ever done that would cause her to take you seriously?

Take this thing with the necklace for example. Why would you even mention it to her? Why would you even give her the satisfaction of letting her know she gets to you when she wears it? And please don’t tell me that you believe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing when she lets you catch her wearing it!

Then she offhandedly drops hints about you two buying Xmas gifts together...in the future!? What's that about? She’s sending resumes out to distant locations for goodness sake. Why wouldn’t you just turn around and ask her what city she plans to be buying these gifts in and who she’s planning to buy them with...because unless there’s a substantial difference in her attitude, you don’t intend to go anywhere!

You see, to me that would be an honest response but you probably see it as a LB. Why? Plan A doesn’t mean that you give up your integrity. If anything it demands that you be even more honest…honest to the point of exposing that which is most dear to you and face the conflict that honesty may provoke.

RW, you are running out of time. She will soon leave again for one of her trips and unless you start showing her who you want her to see then I would tend to believe that her opinion of who you are is pretty much set in stone.

Please for the sake of what you hold most dear, send her on her trip having to wonder who this man she’s married to, suddenly turned into.

Ask before she’s about to leave, that while she’s on her trip, she come back with a plan as to when and where she inmtends to move. Be nice, but be firm! Let her go away thinking at least.

coach

Coach, you're right. Guess, the only thing I can do is just Plan B as much as possible while still living together.

I guess my biggest problem is I can't kick her out, and I can't leave either. I looked into the legalities of trying to have her removed, and I can't.

I'm going to send her an email today, and ask if she's thought any on moving out and when it would happen so I can plan accordingly.

Here's what my email will say:

"On Friday, I agreed with you and the counselor that a physical seperation would be the best thing for us. It gives you time to think about what you need to do, and it relieves stress and tension on all of us.

I'm bringing this up, because I need to redo my budget to account for the bills I'll need to pay that you're currently paying."

Suggestions?

Ok, I think I'm starting to lose my mind. WW called today for no reason, as I've said before there hasn't been much of that since Memorial Day weekend.

To top it all off, she called a second time. We talked about what we're having for dinner, and having some adult beverages. Supposed to pick up some coconut rum. This is the part where I want to scream, at the end of the phone call, where I normally say I love you, bye, she says FIRST "I Love you". I of course said, I love you too. But now I'm really confused.

Well, time to see what else could be surprising about tonight.

RW, I’m not suggesting that you “throw” her out. But I’m also not suggesting that you equivocate or fabricate an excuse either. What’s wrong with the simple truth?

“Wife, this is what we agreed upon, when do you plan to move?” “If not why not?”

If she asks why you’re suddenly so in a hurry, you simply tell her that you’re loosing faith in her. Tell her that you’ve already lost faith in her honesty, her commitment and her desire to give the marriage a fair chance and before you also loose the love you have for her, you want a chance to cool off.

If further explanation is necessary, tell her that while you love her and want more then anything to save the marriage, the toll that this entire experience has taken on you emotionally is causing you to lose all will to continue fighting for it, and if she cares for you at all, then she will keep her word this time and move out so you have a chance to put some of the anger, suspicion and pain behind you.

So tell me RW. Can you put it on the line for her, right to her face with out making up any lies or excuses? Without losing your temper, with out humbling yourself with tears? Can you do this, because if you can, maybe just maybe, she’ll come to realize that she hasn’t really been putting anything over on you. Maybe she’ll finally realize that you love her in spite of her faults and the lies and the hurtful behavior. Maybe she’ll even begin to understand.

coach

I like coaches advice. I think it is time to lay it on the line.

Coach and Believer: Believe it or not, that's exactly the point I'm at. She has an individual counseling next Wednesday, and they leave for California on Friday. I plan to sit down with her Wednesday night after her counseling to talk. I want to see what she'll share with me about her counseling, and then I'm going to tell her we need to have the physical seperation for all the reasons you mentioned Coach. I think that'll be a good time to actually plan on when she can be out of the house. I'm thinking by the end of July. I say that because they'll be in California from the 9th to the 18th, then my stepmom wants the girls for a week after they get back. That would be an excellent time for her to move out. Oh, my birthday is 1 August.

I want to add to my last post. WW also mentioned some other job listings she found. 3 in Lexington, KY. At which point she referenced how much closer it is to my family in Memphis. After I got home, I find out she called DD(12) and asked her if she thought she might like living in Lexington, KY. There's another listing for California, on the other side of the freaking country from OM and best friend. Oh, and one for Oregon too. She's working on those resumes tonight.

I'll be honest, I have no intention of relocating anywhere without a 100% commitment to working on this relationship, and I'm not talking half way like she's been doing. I'm talking about her doing whatever it takes.

I'm actually rather surprised she hasn't said anything about moving out, considering she and the counselor were pushing for it. When I agreed that I thought it was time for a physical seperation she said the only reason she hasn't moved out is because I asked her to stay. Now, that I'm agreeing, it's like I never said anything. Well, I already told DD(12) before today's posts that she's moving out.

Hi RW,

You don't know me but I was intrigued by your story. In fact I read the whole thing in one night...up until 4:00 a.m. I have now caught up on the last few days.

I am a FWW. I have to strongly suggest that you follow through with having your W move out. My husband used to sound very much like you and I very regrettably, used to sound like your wife. I knew I had him in the palm of my hand, and in my fog, I took full advantage of it, but hurt him almost irreperably in the process. As long as he was being giving and loving and doing everything he thought I wanted, I wanted nothing more than for him to go away. Well, guess what. He did. And guess what, I was miserable! He moved 1800 miles away. I thought I would be thrilled. I was miserable. I had ended the affair before he left, but I was "done" with our marriage.

I found out just how much I loved and needed him. When he started telling me he was going to file for divorce and move on, my heart began to change.

It took strength and determination on his part to follow through with leaving. I don't know what would have happened if he had stayed around and begged for my love, kissed my [censored], etc.

I can't predict the future, none of us can, but I really think you need to move forward with your plan for the separation. Don't hold out all hope that your wife will do what you want, but also don't lose all hope. Either way, your life will be better in the long run.

Best of luck,

Michele

Michele: I just want to reassure you. I can't live the way I'm living while she takes her time in chosing what she's going to do. I'm at the point I firmly believe we need to seperate until she makes her decision, or I decide I can't wait any longer and I make a choice. What is happening right now isn't fair to me, to her, or our kids.

I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own home anymore. I'm tired of dreading her coming home and not knowing what to expect from one day to the next. I need a break from this situation. I've talked this over with DD(12) and she's firmly in agreeance with me.

One thing I didn't get from your post is whether or not you were able to save your marriage. Did things work out for you?

Yes, we have been back together for two years and we're doing great.

Michele

Michele: I'm happy for you and your husband. Thank you for sharing your story and giving me your advice. It helps me understand what WW might be thinking and how she might be feeling.

Of course, every situation is different regardless of how similar they may be. At least I have an idea, what you have described is she's being a hypocrit, she's doing what she accused me of doing, taking her for granted.

You're correct. She is taking you for granted. By your actions, she is under the impression that you are in it for the long haul. She has it good right now. My suggestion is to make it not so good. I know that is your plan, but I hope you can stick with it. Please stick with it. I hope I'm not coming across as hard, but I feel so strongly about this. You need to get some space between you, regardless of the outcome.

Michele

Sent WW an email asking if she's thought about the physical seperation, because I will need to adjust my budget to accomodate the bills she's paying.

Let's see how she responds to that.

I think it is good that you asked her if she has thought about physical separation.

I do think she will stay with you, because she has done nothing to move on. Well she has sent resumes out, but she is very impractical - doesn't seem to have plans for the horse, kids, anything.

Believer: I think you may be right. WW never said anything about my question about the physical seperation. When I asked her about it she said we'd talk about it later.

She worked afternoon shift yesterday and didn't get home until 10:15 or so. After small talk I asked her about my question. She said I didn't have to worry about adjusting my budget any time soon. I asked what she meant, and she said she's been doing some thinking lately.

I didn't press the issue, didn't ask any more questions. I've previously said, I'm not going to press physical seperation until the counseling session after they get back from California, and that's only if she's not ready to commit 100% to our marriage and 100% NC with OM.

Oh, I got an I love you too yesterday, and as I was about to head down to my room in the dungeon, she asked you going to bed? When I said yes, she came over to me and gave me a hug and a kiss.

I also forgot to mention, when she got home, she opened the door and said I'm home does anybody love me? Of course, I got up and greeted her with a hug and a kiss.

Don't worry, I'm not wavering where I stand in all this. I've made a deadline, and I'm sticking to it. But it looks like she might be realizing what she's dangerously close to losing.