I'm not gonna go into a long post here jersey, but teri is right. I meant to post something for you to the same effect, though not as detailed. Maybe I already did and just cant remember. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm not sure but I think I see Plan A working for me a little bit. I actually heard my W laugh last night on the phone and she stayed home all WE. I may get disappointed soon but for this weekend things seem to be going my way. I will remind you that its been 3 months for me. So I guess I'm agreeing with terri and saying hang in there a little longer. Prayin for ya.

Last night I attempted Plan B when having a conversation about OW with WH. I knew this was going to come out, should have been better prepared but it cut like a knife. He told me that he did LOVE me, but he was IN LOVE with her and he doesn't know why.

That's when I bolted. Told him so long, goodbye, have a nice life. He left me TONS of messages. Tried all night to talk to me. One of the things he repeated over and over on my voicemail was that he never really thought I would do this.

This morning, we spoke, honestly. He expressed that although his feelings were confusing to him, if we were going by a point system, the points fall firmly on my side. He loves me, he has a history with me, he has a life built with me, and really has NOTHING with her. <---HIS WORDS.

I explained that I understood what he was going through and would help him through it the best I could. He said another fear I have with YOU, is that the first fight we have, you're going to scrub this in my face over and over and over. I pointed out that in the 5 weeks I've been going through this terrible ordeal, I've been very supportive and flexible, with only 2 "fall off the wagons"... and the thing last night did not count as a LB. It did make him push the panic button though.

We talked at great length. He told me he loved me, a couple times. Wiped away my tears, and asked me to take ONE step back to let him get his thoughts together.

I WILL TRY THIS. I did tell him though that I would not allow the triangle deal much longer, if he was unable to make a choice one would be made for him.

Something about last night, he actually for the first time SAW my pain. I've done such a GREAT job of hiding it. But we went to our favorite place to eat, the feelings were of sadness, and one thing led to another, and I ended up leaving him there. I walked 12 miles home, alone, in the dark. He kept calling and calling, threatening me not to p*ss him off, not to get him in trouble, please don't do this, please tell me where you are, I'll wait for you all night.

He has to make a choice, and soon. I'm trying SO hard. But it hurts knowing his heart is with another.

He's coming over tonight. We'll play it by ear. I'll try to NOT bring it up again.... overkill is never a good thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP !!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if I can do this folks. From conversations I've had with WH, it's becoming more and more clear to me that he thinks I'm the better "choice". For one, he still LOVES me, he's just not IN LOVE with me (that's the one that making me slip away...it's too hard !)

He has a history with me, he has built a life with me, the OW is in Texas which means he'd have to move her here and he's knows he doesn't want to "start all over" at this point in life, especially taking her age into account, his age into account, and the fact he can't seem to pull himself away from me.

How in GOD'S name do I know if he really IS IN LOVE with her, she's not just an addiction, and there are too many obstacles standing in his way of being with his soul mate.

This is eating away at me minute by minute. WH did come over last night, and I just wasn't myself. He saw it at the end of the night. He gave me a big hug, kissed me, stroked my hair, said, come on honey, it's gonna be okay.

I have this voice SCREAMING inside me...no it's NOT okay...he's in love with someone else.

Anyone and everyone who has experienced this...PLEASE give me some insight. I work with a girl, who had a long standing affair with her "soulmate".... she broke off the relationship because in the end, her H was the better choice for her and their son.

To this DAY... she's not IN LOVE with her H, and it eats away at her that she misses OM. I can't stand that to be, I know I can't live this way. Please help. I'm slipping. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi Betrayed,


All the things your H is saying – it’s Fog talk. Like I have told you previously, you only found out a month ago. It’s early, you want answers now and that’s normal but, unfortunately, there is no pill or special potion you can make to get the answers. You have to ride this storm, and believe me, I know it’s hard and the reality is the answers don’t always come the way we want them to.

He loves you, but he’s not “In Love with you” almost everyone of us has heard that one before. I think there’s a script written somewhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What do you want? That’s the question. Plan A seems to be working. Your H is opening up to you. I don’t know if everyone will agree with me but, you need to talk about the A. Not everyday or every minute but it cannot be swept under a carpet either. If the two of you do not resolve the issues that brought you here and you do get back together, you may end up having more problems down the road.

Are you willing to go to Plan B if he’s still in communication with her or, are you willing to keep on with Plan A? What are YOU willing to accept? What are the boundaries that you won’t let him cross? Please remember, it’s only been a month, and that’s what is so hard. I remember being exactly where you are now three years ago.

I know it’s scary, these used to be my daily, minute by minute thoughts: “If I go to Plan B, he will run to her and what chance do I have, what happens if he chooses her? If I stay in Plan A and show him I love him, surely he’ll see that I’m the one he belongs with.

And the day I learned that I had no control over him with who he did or didn’t choose. That’s the day I let go, and that’s also the day things turned around in our marriage. I’m not advocating Plan B. My Plan B lasted a total of a week, but it was enough for him to see that I was serious. I could go on with or without him.

You love your H and you want this to work, but remember the only control you have is over yourself. Plan A is not for your H, it is for you.

I know this is all part of the "path" that is hopefully leading me into recovery.

I gave him something off this website this morning to read.

He's scared of so much. But I'm trying really hard to advocate support and understanding.

He's so torn and confused over his feelings. He asked that I take ONE step back, and let him try to get his feelings together. He thinks he knows what has to be done, I can lead the horse to water but can't make him drink.

A couple more weeks in Plan A, and then I will switch to Plan B. I tried to pull a Plan B saturday, and he panicked. I wish you could hear the voicemail he left me.

He knows I'm the strong one, when I told him I didn't think I could do this, he assured me I could do anything I set my mind on. Little does he know that I might have to set him free to meet his own demise.

Keep standing by me folks...rough roads ahead.

WH called me at the office several times. He came down and had lunch with me out of the blue, unplanned.

Sitting across having lunch, he mouthed the words, I love you. I said I love you too, he said..no you don't (which is an inside joke to us).

I can't help but get the feeling these are the last moments I'll spend with him. Is this a natural feeling, or is my instinct telling me something ?

Betrayed,

It's normal that you will analyze everything he says or does. It's normal you're going to try and predict what he's really thinking, what does he mean when he says this, by saying that does he really mean this? Do you know what I mean?

If you believe that your marriage can survive, believe that. I know this is easier said than done, but don't try to analyze everything he says. If he said "I love you" take it for what he said. I'm willing to bet you anything he meant it. Don't make yourself trying psychoanalyze him or yourself. I know it's hard, but please try.

Are you taking Anti-D's? Are you seeing a therapist.

The scariest feeling in the world is feeling like you have no control. Try not to control the situation, take things as they come. He called you for lunch right? Take it for that and nothing more or less. He wanted to have lunch with you, go with that.

I believe in gut instincts. But, I also believe in what your heart tells you. Does your heart tell you he loves you?

Betrayed,

It's normal that you will analyze everything he says or does. It's normal you're going to try and predict what he's really thinking, what does he mean when he says this, by saying that does he really mean this? Do you know what I mean?

If you believe that your marriage can survive, believe that. I know this is easier said than done, but don't try to analyze everything he says. If he said "I love you" take it for what he said. I'm willing to bet you anything he meant it. Don't make yourself trying psychoanalyze him or yourself. I know it's hard, but please try.

Are you taking Anti-D's? Are you seeing a therapist.

The scariest feeling in the world is feeling like you have no control. Try not to control the situation, take things as they come. He called you for lunch right? Take it for that and nothing more or less. He wanted to have lunch with you, go with that.

I believe in gut instincts. But, I also believe in what your heart tells you. Does your heart tell you he loves you?

Hello,

I am very sorry for you, but I want to congratulate you for having the courage to live through it and look for help. That shows you are in love. The way you describe the situation, I think he is not ready to decide yet. When we are confused we call our partner to reashure that she is still there but we go and through ourselves into the lovers arms. He is not ready for it. Give him a deadline for plan A. If he does not comply with it, go straight to plan B. You have to stop letting him use you and abuse you. The risk is big, but it could be healthier for both of you. You will help him to realize why he is still with you and what are the needs you fulfill in him that the OW don't fulfill and you will be able to work on yourself. Be patient and strong. I know it is painfull. My wife and I are dealing with 4 affairs. One hers, and three mine. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I will pray for you.

Well I'm proud of myself. I felt myself trying to go RIGHT over the edge. So I took a deep breath and wondered okay... let's not THINK too much.

What would a plan A action be right now. I called his cellphone VOICEMAIL...did not call him directly...and said this...

For all the times you told me that you couldn't win with me, that you were wrong either way.... I wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your effort to have lunch with me this afternoon. I really enjoyed your company.

Within 2 minutes of sending the voicemail...he called me. Wanted to know what my problem was. (lightening the mood a little...he helped)... he said it had nothing to do with me...he was just hungry.

So now I breathe in...and I breathe out...and tomorrow is another day.

I don't know where I would be if it weren't for everyone on these forums.

Thank you again so much for your insights, your support, and your MB 2X4.

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>

Uuuuufffff! I don't know what to tell you. If you already asked him to leave his lover and his behavior clearly shows that he is in fact protecting her instead of you, it is going to be hard. If you went for lunch today with him, and he told you that he was only hungry, that it was nothing to deal with you, he is being abusive and passive aggresive. He is not respecting your feelings at all. It is going to be hard for him to listen you because he is totally closed minded now and totally confused. What I would suggest you is to give him a reasonable deadline for leaving the lover, to stop his aggressions and try by any means to make him commit to plan A(make him understand that you are serious). If he doesn't comply with the deadline, go to plan B. You don't deserve to be hurt anymore, he put you in hell and he is abusing you.

Hi Janei,
NO.... that was joking on his part. He didn't mean... it had nothing to do with you. That's something between us, that's been there for many years...he says I love you, I say no you don't... kiddingly ... I hate you. All every day marriage stuff.

I don't know how this will play out. I THINK after the event on Saturday, and everything he's told me since, he's trying to see if it still LIVES in him. It does, I know it does, but he's addicted to OW right now.

Fortunately for me...OW is 1000 miles away. She can't fill any of his EN other than talking to him on the phone. She's shown disrespect, and that helped me as well.

I was an AWFUL wife for the last 6 months. I mean AWFUL. I told my WH that I wanted a divorce 4 times in those last 6 months. I didn't KNOW how much we were both in withdrawal from our marriage until it was too late.

It may not work, I know that, but I have to try. I think he's trying to. Letting go of OW will have to come if he decides he WANTS to try, but it's going to take awhile longer for me to stay in Plan A. Trust me when I tell you, I was down right evil to him, for no reason. I met NO EN, NONE whatsoever, made him feel invisible, unimportant, and like he was the enemy.

I had some issues going on with me, that I took out on him, and he never deserved it.

I don't take responsibility for the A, but I take responsibility for my contribution to the breakdown of my marriage.

There Ya GO Jersey. I thought it might come to this. Believe me, I understand the rollercoaster. You're gonna have days like today, then you'll have days like I've been reading about. Just dont give up too soon. There is never a good excuse for an A. If there was I would have had one myself a long time ago. The important thing is that you are starting to see where you went wrong in the marriage, that is the only thing you can change anyway. I'm there myself, but it still doesnt excuse what he did or in my case what she did. Hang in there and I'll keep prayin for ya.

Something very strange happened to me this morning.

I woke up not missing him.

I have no desire to talk to him or see him today.

I'm not angry with him, I forgive myself for my mistakes, and I forgive him for his mistakes.

I think Plan A is really working now. For the first time, I have this feeling inside that I can go on, without him.

This feeling is a little scary. I wonder if that will make it any harder for me to Plan A since I'm reaching a stage of indifference ?

Hmmm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi Betrayed,

You're doing great!!!

Keep it up. When the rollercoaster feels like it's getting to the bottom, remember there's always another hill it will climb. And that's what life is. You'll have highs and lows as you go through this and at the end of each down you'll realize that you are stronger for it.

Keep believing in yourself, and don't stop fighting for what you believe in, and don't give up. We're all here rooting for you.

Thanks Heartbroken.
It's just the strangest sensation.

I know that I may not have a day like today for awhile again, but having it ONCE is making a huge difference in me.

All of a sudden, it's all starting to think in that I have some dignity as well.

I'm going to work, and I'm not calling him at all.

Maybe I was in withdrawal as well.

One day at a time, one day at a time, but this day, is a great day, and I know no matter what, more will follow.

Wonderful Jersey. I see Plan A working for ya too. I understand what you're going through too, it took me awhile to get myself going on that one too. The longer you stick with it the more days you will have like today, and he will start coming around some too. It sounds like he might be anyway. I'm waiting for the day when that ol rollercoaster seems like a kiddie ride for everyone whos on it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wonderful Jersey. I see Plan A working for ya too. I understand what you're going through too, it took me awhile to get myself going on that one too. The longer you stick with it the more days you will have like today, and he will start coming around some too. It sounds like he might be anyway. I'm waiting for the day when that ol rollercoaster seems like a kiddie ride for everyone whos on it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've been following this thread and feel very much in the same position as betrayedinjersey. I really would like some help and support from you. Briefly I first came to this forum 4 years ago after my husband told me of his 2 year affair with his co-worker. I took so much comfort from the support I got from this site and desperately tried to follow the plan and got the OW out of the way. It took a while and I know from my journal that March 2002 we had got very close and put some passion back in our lives and I thought we were on track. However what I had not allowed for was the low level of self-esteem, anxiousness which changed me as a person. I went from an extremely confident person to a nervous one, I had a job as a sales exec in IT but found I couldn't tough it out anymore and gave my job in. We had also moved house so I spent the next year and a half renovating this which keep me occupied. However I was still a lost soul and went to India on a spiritual journey to find myself and when I came back I knew my WS was different he'd withdrawn from me and I spent the next 10 months agonzing and almost came to the point of having a nervous breakdown. i saw a shrink who told me that there was nothing wrong with me but then told me to look at my marriage because he felt that there was something fishy going on. My H has always been polite very rarely LB's but it was a cover for something else. It never occured to me that he might be with someone else again I had decided to trust him. He did the usual I love you like last time but I don't have the passion for you. The alarm bells were ringing all over the place. No obvious tracks as they were well covered this time
always gets the mail and phone bills and credit card statements are shredded before I see them. Well the week before Xmas he sat me down and said we were going nowhere our relationship was not where it should be and I deserve someone better because I'm such a kind caring person. he said he had met someone else a few months back but she was'nt around now but if he could do that to me again then I'm better off without him. Well I sent him away with DR. Phils book Relationship Rescue cos I knew he respected him and he would read it. I kept calm and decided if he pays attention then I could have an outstanding marraige. He came back to find the new me calm and confident and I said if he did want to try again he would have to mean it as I did not want to be in this position again in a year's time. Well 3 months has gone by and I felt something was still wrong so I asked him to speak honestly and he said it was'nt working and he left on Sunday to go stay at his parents house(now empty because his dad has just died) He's in a mess and depressed I know cos he also lost his business and the $150,000 raised against the house when his partner stiffed him. So I'm sitting here alone he's taken the dogs too having to potentially sell the house and loose him as well. The only upside is I managed to pull myself together enough to get a job in February so I do have financial independence. Although he says she's not there I feel she still is, he's very depressed and gets upset, is drinking heavily.

I'm not sure what I can do except breathe in and out at the moment. I do love him very much but this rebuilding a marraige is taking me apart at the seams.

I really don't know what to do next. He know I love him and I would have him back. Do I just leave him to stew. he has no friends or family to talk to apart from a brother who is really nice but he won't talk to anyone.

Your help needed once again after all these years

Yo Jersey, How'd your day go?