My thoughts are still running in 20 different directions, even 5 months after finding out. I walked into the living room at 5:30am and found H writing an email to OW. He quickly deleted the message and left for work, but I knew something was wrong. H hates to type and hates to write anything. He told me the next day that he had feelings for this person, but nothing had happened. A week later he admitted that it was both an EA and a PA. He was afraid OW might be pregnant. (It turns out she wasn't.) He gave me the "I still love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you" speech. We've been married for 17 years. We have a 15 year old daughter. We have been best friends for 25 years -- since I was 15 years old.

My husband and OW are in a large symphonic band together. This is a hobby, not a job. It meets once/week. OW is married, SAHM, w/ 3 young children. OW's husband does not know about A. He is supposedly controlling and sometimes violent. I believe my husband sees himself as her savior. I have to admit that I have been emotionally withdrawn for several years since my parents died. This made room for someone else to meet H's emotional needs.

After DDay, I almost had a breakdown. I've always been the strong one, but I completely fell apart and contemplated suicide. No real plan - just wanted the pain to go away. I began IC and still go weekly. H is also going to IC weekly (to the same psychologist even), but he doesn't want to go together. I'm not on anti-depressive medication, but I am considering it. Not suicidal anymore, but I definitely DO NOT want to feel that way ever again!

H and OW do see eachother at the weekly practices and at performances. I know they still talk on the phone. He's not ready to completely give her up; however, he's not ready to give me up either. I've told him that I love him very much and realize the mistakes I made (my withdrawal). I've asked him to re-commit to his family and give us a chance to heal our relationship together. He hasn't left, but he hasn't said he won't leave either. His ambivalence is making me crazy. I know "The Fog and The Fantasy" are in control right now. I'm trying Plan A right now. It's just very difficult because he isn't receptive to positive deposits - from me anyway. He told me OW has been more like a wife to him than I have been for quite a while.

I have to admit that I want to tell OW's husband about the A. Her daily life has not been upset at all. My family's life has been through H*ll for 5 months now. I know I shouldn't and I probably won't actually do it, but I want to more than I can almost stand.

I guess I'm at the point where I want H to decide to stay and commit, or leave. For now, I'm just keeping it together.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry you are here, but it is a great place to be.

You need to let OW's H know about the affair right away. Light shed on an affair tends to end it. Yes, your H will be mad, but it is necessary.
Don't believe that OW's H is controlling. I have heard that line too often, that the H is abusive, blah, blah, blah. He deserves to know what his wife is up to - too many diseases going around.

Also get on some anti-D's. They will help you get through this. Also keep posting here. We understand like no one else.

Believer, thanks for the response. I was afraid noone would reply.

L & A

It appears you have been lurking here for a while, because you seem to know all of the "shortcuts".

First of all, since you are aware of Plan A, let me tell you it is not a "sort of" project. It needs to be executed 100%, including no Love Busters, no Disrespectful Judgements, Angry Outbursts, etc.

The next thing you need to do is expose the A. The OW's husband should be told immediately. Blowing the cover of secrecy is the first major step in ending an A. They thrive in secrecy, and when exposed to reality (OW's BS becoming involved) things can change in a hurry.

Take a look at heroswife's thread over in General Questions II. See what a difference exposure can make. Think of others that should know. His parents, your parents, close friend, brothers that may be sympathetic to your cause.

Anyway, if it's been a while since you read Surviving an Affair, you should skim back through, at least look at Plan A and Exposure. Those two steps will make the most impact on your current situation.

Keep posting... you'll get tons of support here, from people who have walked in the shoes you are walking in.

SD

hello Lost and welcome

I have to agree with shattered and believer.. the OWs H needs to know what you do about the affair. That is the only way to make the fantasy end..exposure to the light of day and the reality of how this is affecting 2 families will cause drastic changes in your Hs and the OWs future plans...and it may very well end the affair immediately.

Also I believe it is time for you to tell your H he must stop the weekly meetings and go NC.. There is no other way ...his continuing to see her will only keep the A alive. He needs to get off the fence and show some remorse. NC is the only way.

I wish you well and want you to know you have come to the right place..Take care of yourself and be strong..demand his respect.

Hugs
LMH

Your husband going to these lame symphonic weekly meeting with the OW, that needs to stop.

You shouldnt be scared to tell the OW's husband at all, shes a joke to be messing with a maried man, sounds like her husband will take care of her later and maybe even give your husband a wake up call by breaking his flute finger.

Everyone gets effects by loss and get emotionaly withdrawn, this is normal. Dont blame yourself for your husbands weakness.

Dear Lost & Alone - I agree with the other posters and wanted to Suggest MC also - although I think the IC is probably helping I don't think you will get to far unless you go to MC - perhaps with a totally different therapist than the one you are seeing for IC, I wish you all the best - Sandy

I've been afraid to tell the OW's husband for the simple reason that the OW will immediately call my H to "rat me out" which might cause my H to move out. I'm not afraid of the OW, her husband, or even my husband. If the OW's husband is indeed violent and either hits her or makes her leave, my H just might run to her rescue. OW's husband is wealthy and she has no money of her own. I guess I need to get over this.

The OW called me a couple days after I found out to inform me that she loves my husband and if I did anything (like call her husband), she would aggressively pursue my H and I wouldn't stand a chance against her. I'm definitely not a meek person, but I was so lost at that time I couldn't even respond. I felt like I was in one of those dreams where your whole world falls apart, you wake up in a sweat with tears on your face, and it takes several minutes for you to realize it was all just a dream. I was just waiting to wake up and rejoice that it wasn't real. Well, guys, 5 months later I definitely realize this is very real.

I'm not ready to quit Plan A yet. I really want to show H that I too can fill his love bank. I want him to remember how good we are together. I probably will end up having to go to Plan B. I actually have a letter ready.

Thanks for the support.

L&A

Expose the A to OW's H right away. The A (fantasy) will be exposed and it will die.

Please do not let the OW threaten or intimidate you...which is what she did when she called you after d-day! You hold all the cards...neither OW or your H has the upper hand.

After you expose the A, the OW will probably call your H. Your H will probably be upset for a little while...because his little fantansy is no longer a secret. Don't let that stop you. It's the right thing to do.

Tell you what...why don't you contact the OW's H and then tell your H. That way, you beat OW to it and he hears the *truthful* version of the conversation.

Just think if the situation were reversed and the OWH knew but you did not. Wouldn't you want him to tell you?

Be strong. Take care.

sss

Okay, I know I need to tell OW's H. I just need to work it out in my mind first. I'm not really being afraid, it's just the way I do things.

I was also wondering about something else my H started about the same time as the PA. He started going back to church (he's Catholic) after not going for 20 years. I later found out the OW is a devout Catholic and very very conservative in her beliefs. (Go figure!) H and I have always been pretty liberal in our political beliefs. Now H is becoming more and more conservative. H & OW don't go to the same church, but H doesn't want me to go with him either. It may have something to do with the fact that I'm not Catholic, but I was/am willing to go with him. How do you reconcile both having affairs while professing to be so religious/conservative? Or does nothing H is doing now make sense?

I was in the same spot as you about 6 months ago. My h was with a woman in a band also. I found emails and freaked out. I called the OW husband and blew out the relationship. It has been a tough struggle to rebuild. My H still goes to band and tells me he is distant and polite but no more than that. How true that is I'm not sure. I am cautiously optimistic--am I deceiving myself by believing that our recovery is genuine? This is the only thing I fear. Listen, if I could do it again, I would say NC and quit the band. Force him. He can join other bands or even that band AFTER you are on solid footing in YOUR marriage. I wish I had done that--recovery or at least forcing him to make a choice would have helped me to know where to go in MY future. Please take care of yourself, distance yourself a bit (inside if you know what I mean) and watch/observe him. Get on some med's if you are not sleeping and get out and make contact with other people--there is a life beyond this A business--it'll drive you nuts if you obsess to much about it. Get some exercise--make a CD full of [censored]-kicking music and talk some power walks. Think like "Rocky" and get toughened up a bit. I felt like a deflated balloon for so long--get out in the sun, laugh with some crazy friends and plan your strategy. You are strong, you are important and you matter. He doesn't know what a gem you are and he is "no freakin prize" at this point probably. (I think it was Weezy who said this in one of her posts) I keep that in mind when I start to feel insecure about him leaving me or messing around on me. I never, NEVER thought I would make it to the 6 month mark--honestly, I thought about divorcing him on an hourly basis! But here we are, plugging away at it.

Now, I feel that it is not about him anymore. At first, from about, say DDay to about month 3 I obsessed about him, tried not to LB and kept a smiley face on. Couldn't maintain it. Started to crack, cry all the time. Went on anti-d's (trazadone) and started to sleep, forced myself to eat, and tried to survive. Now, at 6 months, I am seriously thinking about what I want, do I want him? I am at the point that I just want to be normal for a while. If he has another fling (with her or someone else) then I'll know--I've given the M a fair shot, tried very hard, and come out of it with my integrity and self-respect intact.

Take care. Be strong. Let him see the strong, cool and composed woman rather than the scared one. You are serene, you are no dummy--hang in there and keep posting. I'll be thinking of you.

(Check out my old posts if you want my clicking on my login name and "view recent posts" if you want.)

I have considered asking H to quit band, at least until we resolve our relationship one way or the other. I don't think he would do it anyway. I'm kinda hoping that the OWH will make her quit when he finds out. My H has been in this band for 8 years; OW has only been a member for 2 years.

I talked to H about our apt lease ending in May and where we might move, i.e. a house or another apt complex. H said he didn't know if he would be moving w/ us or not. I just want to shake H and tell him to snap out of it. I can't believe the wonderful caring devoted husband and dad I've know for all these years is behaving this way. One minute I want to force him to leave immediately. The next minute I can't imagine not having him here. It seems like this craziness will never end. I just want some peace and relative predictability in my life. Is that so much to ask?

Expose the A!!!!! The sooner the better.

What the OW said was desperation. She does not want to get caught and that's it.

Your H being angry if you do. Sure, he'll be angry, he will get over over it. The two of them are controlling you. You have no control over this. If you don't expose that A and he decides to leave anyway, will you regret that you didn't expose it when you could have?

Exposing the A, will most likely end the A. Her H being violent, it could be true, maybe it isn't, but that is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to youself.

Let me ask you this: If the shoe was on the other foot and the OW H found out that his wife was having an affair with your H, would you want to know? The OW H deserves to know about the A. If you don't expose it now, you may end up regretting that you didn't when you should have.

My H's OW told my H that her H had an affair on her, was distant to her and mean to her.

When I called him (I knew him, we were friends), I told him what my H had said and he said that he had always been faithful to her. So the OW will say things, just as your H will say things to the OW about you.

Please expose the A

I will tell the OWH about the A as soon as he gets back in town. He's on a business trip.

Thursday nights are so hard for me. That's when the band meets for rehearsal every week. Afterwards, they go out to a bar. H doesn't get home til after midnight. I can barely stand it. I've been keeping busy w/ daughter's activities to fill my time.

I'm beginning to think this is a lost cause. H will not quit the band. H has "codes" on his cell phone and email. He refuses to remove them or tell me what they are. H still tells me this was all my fault for not giving him the emotional closeness he needed. He won't even commit to repairing our marriage. The only thing he hasn't done is leave. Why is he still here? Why doesn't he just go ahead and leave? Don't misunderstand me, I don't really want him to leave. If he won't re-commit to us and go to NC, what is the point?

Hello Lost,

I'm so sorry he is continuing to see the OW and wont listen to you about stopping rehearsals and the band.. There is no way he will be able to stop this affair if this continues as I'm sure you know.

I do believe you are right and now is the time to inform the OWH as to everything that is going on and I believe it is your best bet right now. It could blow the affair out of the water and your marriage will stand a chance to recover when her H knows what is going on I am sure..

I wish you luck . Please follow through and let him know and I predict you will see a huge change in this situation...and if your H is angry so what? I'm sure he will be but what matters most ..his anger or the exposure of the affair to the light of day? I think the answer is obvious..

Take care and please keep posting..
Hugs
LMH

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, H very non-chalantly informed me today that this was not his first affair. He won't tell me much, just that it was a couple years ago w/ someone that used to live in our apt complex. He said he ended it because it was emotionless and he needed more. He also told me that he let a woman at an adult video store give him oral sex while her husband watched. I knew he liked to go to these places and watch pornos in one of those viewing rooms, but I didn't think he would do this sort of thing. I guess I was just too trusting, or maybe the right adjectives are naive and stupid. I asked him why he was telling me this now. He made it seem like the IC told him to tell me. I don't know what to do w/ this new info. I think I'm just shocked. I'm losing all hope for us. Maybe that's why he told me -- to make me give up. When I asked him that very question, he said something like, "I don't know, probably.....I'm not sure." When I asked if he was still planning on leaving, he just shrugged and told me he hadn't made any plans to leave but he didn't know.

Then, after getting home tonight from picking up our daughter from a friend's house, H asked me to lie down w/him in bed so he could hold me. I did. We did some intimate touching. He's asleep now while I'm posting this message. What the h*ll is going on w/ him? I'm very confused as to what to do now. Any advice?

Yikes, what a shock that must have been. He sounds like he has some issues to work on. He may be telling you this to make you want him to leave, or he may want to come clean. Who knows what goes on in these confused minds.

You are going to have to detach a little, and start taking care of yourself. And doesn't that make you mad that he drops this on you and can go to sleep?

Stick with us and we will help you through this mess.

L&A -

I am so sorry for what you are going through. The boat here has room for another! The people here are wonderful and have very supportive and realistic views on how to handle this bombshell that has been dropped in your lap. I shudder to think what would've become of myself if I hadn't found this website.

I think you shoudl Plan A your [censored] off. Maybe that will help him realize what he has at home. Does he think he can support the OW in the manner that she is accustomed if her current husband is wealthy? He would surely be paying you support and that would cut into "her" money, so to speak. You can bet she wouldn't like that one bit.

You do need to tell the OW's husband ASAP. Don't be intimidated by the OW at all. You are the powerful one is this mess, don't forget it. Yes, you probably feel powerless right now, I think we all do at some point in the discovery of our husband's affairs, but they are scared of YOU right now. You have the power to make or break this for them. Telling her husband will either get him to start meeting the OW's needs so she doesn't even want your husband anymore or he will kick her to the curb. Her husband will appreciate you telling him so he doesn't look like a fool any longer.

Please keep us updated on your progress. We really care here!

Take care.

H walked in the room when I was posting the last time. He didn't get to read the post, but he did see the name of the website. Now he's searching the site trying to find out what I wrote. So far he's been unsuccessful, but if he keeps it up, he will find it eventually. H said the site was just filled w/ angry men and women. I told him that sure we're angry for the betrayal, but we're mostly in extreme pain looking for guidance through what is for most of us the worst thing we've ever been through. I asked him to stop trying to find it, because I consider this sort of like private counseling. Even so, part of me doesn't care if he does read this. I've told him pretty much everything anyway. He's the one w/ secrets, not me. He asked me if I wrote about how withdrawn and mean I had been to him. I told H that I had mentioned the withdrawal. I have not been a perfect wife. I made a lot of mistakes that I wish I could take back. All I can do now is apologize and get help that will hopefully ensure I don't repeat them.

H was gone all day yesterday (Sunday). He went to church in the morning without us. (Remember, he doesn't want me to go w/ him.) Then he went straight to a band rehearsal without coming home. Afterwards, the band members went to some concert. I was not invited, of course. I'm not sure if OW was at the rehearsal/concert or not. H said she wasn't. Who knows. I do know they at least talked over the phone yesterday sometime. H was very upset last night. He wouldn't tell me much, but did mention that he'd like to "beat the sh** out of him" (meaning the OWH). I guess OW called him w/ yet another "he's abusing me again" story. I don't mean to sound so heartless. No woman deserves to be abused. I told H that OW needs to find a female friend to confide in (not someone else's husband) and seek professional help.

Later, he just wanted to go to bed and hold eachother. Wow, is this a head trip or what? He can't let her go completely, though he swears they're not having a PA anymore. (I don't necessarily believe that.) One minute he's pretty sure that he needs to leave, the next minute he thinks that would be a mistake. He told me that he was definitely sure he wanted to leave 5 months ago. Now, he's second guessing all that. Somebody, please stop this ride and let me off!!!

I have my weekly IC visit on Wednesday. I wish it was today. I wonder what IC will tell me when I tell her that H told me about the previous affair & adult video store encounter. Now, I find myself wondering if there's even more I don't know. H sais he's come clean. ?????

I put pencil to paper to calculate my income vs expenses. I can make it on my salary if I have to. I've also calculated H's child support. (I work at the agency in my state that handles child support.) Daughter & I would be okay, financially that is. Emotionally, I'm sure we'd be okay in time. I'd think after all that has happened, I would be ready or even insistent that H leave. I'm not. Do I keep trying to keep us together? When do I give up?

Lost & Alone.

First: If your H knows anything about computers he'll find the MB page you've been to. To protect yourself. Immediately go to and click the Tools button on your browser. Click Internet Options. Down where it says History. Click the Clear History button. To make sure it gets erased either click the History button or press the Control button while you press the H key. Et voila a complete history of your web posting will appear ( or not if you've erased it) Also erase the cookies and delete the files under internet options as another precaution.

Repeat these steps after each MB session!

Second: As others have said you need to tell the OWH. He is supposedly controlling and possibly violent. Where did you get that info? Probably from your H who got it from OW. A's are all about lies. Affair partners lie to each other as well. They nearly always make their spouses out to be 10x worse that reality. The OM's W thought I was a three headed ogre.

The sooner you tell him the better because the longer you wait the more likely that the relationship will continue and potentially become irreversible.
Once recovery starts it is even harder to tell the OP's S. I regret that I waited over 18 months before telling OM's W. I waited because I had no proof of an PA and most people don't believe in EA's. I thought she'd think I was nuts and that I was just a jealous H out to hurt her H. I felt guilty though for not telling her. And when my W finally admitted the PA I called her. At first she did think I was a H that was intensely jealous over the "special relationship" that her H and my W had 15 years ago while working together. When she confronted her H he said the same thing. She had to call my W to confirm it.

Also the other posters are right. Her threat to go after H hard if you expose the A is nothing more than desperation. Kinda pathetic.

Third: Think about the best way to tell him. What proof do you have other than H's admissions/comments. Do you have copies of any of the e-mails? Do you have cell phone bills that show daily communication? If you don't have much physical evidence I'd probably tell him in person. I had all of the above evidence as well as having overheard a v-mail and a telephone call and the OM's W still had a hard time believing me over the phone. She could hear the pain in my voice but couldn't see it on my face. The OW's H may need to see the anguish on your face in order to believe you.

Print and take some of the MB's info on surviving affairs with you. Especially Plan A, meeting EN's and LB. Try to convince OW's H to not angrily confront his W. (Easier said than done I know.)

Can you tell the OW's H during the next symphony practice and beer bust?

Good luck. I wish you well.

cwmac