I found out about my H's affair 5 weeks ago. When I first found out, I asked him if he was going to stay and try to work things out or if he was going to leave me for her. He told me he wanted to work things out. He has not had contact with OW since that time. We live in a small little town of less than a thousand people, so it is very difficult to go through a day without seeing her car or some other reminder of the affair.

The first two weeks after I found out, my husband seemed very eager go rebuild our marriage. But for the past few weeks, he has become very distant. We have been going to marraige counceling, both together and individually. At our last group session, last week, he admitted that he could not let go of the feelings that he has for the OW. My husband is a very caring and loving person. I can understand him having a hard time getting through his withdrawals and I am willing to wait. I try to tell him that it has only been five weeks and that he was with for seven months and that it will take time to heal.

Yesterday we had our individual counceling sessions. When he came home from work last night, he told me that the councelor suggested he move out until he made up his mind which direction he wanted to go. I think this is bad advice. My H thinks that he should see OW again to see where her feelings are. I tried to tell him that it will only make things worse.

I don't believe that this OW loves my husband as much as he thinks she does. She tells him that she does. In the letters I found exposing the relationship, she tells him how much she loves him and that she does not understand why they can't be together. She also told him that she was alone on Valentine's Day and that she wish she were with him. Well, I know for fact that she took someone else home that night and she has been with many other people through her seven month relationship with my husband. She has also already moved in with someone.

I told my H this in anger last night. I don't want him throwing away our marraige for someone that truly does not love him as I love him. I feel she was only in it for the excitement and control. She pretended to be my friend during this time and manipulated us both. How do I get him to see that?

I slept on the couch last night. It hurt me too much to lay in bed next to the man that I love knowing that he loves another.

I left this morning with out saying goodbye. He leaves for work at 1:00. Do I call and apologize for my anger? I think that I should be the one to leave. He needs to be the responsible parent for a while. Why should he get to leave and leave me behind to be the responsible one? Should I stay with a friend for a while and give him time to think. I have been working on Plan A, but maybe since he can't let go at commit to our marriage, maybe I should be in Plan B????

What do I do???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If you read the material on this site, and they're excellent, as well as this discussion board you will find that everyone who supports saving your marriage will say that he should not move out.

He needs to agree No Contact with this Other Woman and come to terms with the fact that the Affair was a fantasy and not a real relationship.

Read the section of this site about Choosing a Marriage Counsellor - I'm sure yours will fail the tests. He/she has been trained in Individual Counselling and will "validate" what the person in front of them feels. "It's OK to feel that". In an individual counselling situation this is helpful - in marriage counselling it's a disaster because what your H feels is confused.

You need a Counsellor who can actually help you to rebuild your marriage - try the Harley's telephone counselling service.

Also I suggest you order "Surviving an Affair" from the Bookstore section of this site.

I read this from Plan A & B. This was very important to me.

As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place.

This Happened I my struggle to save my marriage. He Did leave 2 One time for 1 week. The second time for 4 weeks. When H returned he own his own broke off the relationship. I would keep track of his cell phone calls and crying one day I told him you keep talking to that #. He told me I don't want to leave you and yelled to me I WAS BREAKING UP. Those words hurt me alot but since then we have had ups and downs mainly through because of my recentment we've talked about divorce 2 but I see a change. I only have 7 yrs of marriage. You have more time invested work on it! Don't give up! Pray.

Have you exposed the affair? Who knows about it?

Yes, I have exposed the affair here in town. Unintentionally...I confronted the OW a few days after and gave her a piece of my mind. It was overheard by friends and aquantances. As I said, we live in a small town, nothing goes on without somebody knowing about it. Many of these folks suspected it, but didn't want to hurt me. Many of them see her for her true colors as I do. I wish they would tell my H some of the things they tell me about her, the men she is with, etc.
Our parents and family don't know. Our family all live in different states, no one close, except my H's brother. I wish he would talk to his parents. They would love him regardless, and maybe they can help him make sense of this.
I am trying to read and learn as much as I can, but I am the only one trying to make it work. It is so hard! Anything I learn and share with him, he sees as bias. I told him the stats on a relationship from an affair surviving and he still believes that he should contact her to find out how she feels. How can I make him see her for what she is????
My H has always had a hard time making decisions. He usually will take the easy road. That is what scares me. I am affraid that he will choose her because working on the marraige is the harder path. But if he could only see the rewards of staying in the marraige and the heartache of going with her!

I just called my H and spoke to him about 20 minutes. I apologized for my anger last night and that I did not want him to leave. I told him what I learned about the withdrawal that he is going through and asked him to just be strong and stay here with me and work things out. He says he will but he doesn't know how long he can do this for. I told him that I am here for him and the only thing I can do for him is be his friend and let him know how much I love him.

I asked him to talk to his parents again. He thinks they will side with me. I told him that as much as they love me, that he was their son and they would always love him. They are the most unjudgemental people I know. He still won't talk to them. I think I got him talked into talking with his brother. He is going to call him this morning. We are suppose to go up to their house for Easter weekend.
All I can do is take it day by day. Now that I have MB, I will try to be strong and seek out your support when I feel myself lost.

right now he is in withdrawal from the OW and will say many things, dont take them to heart, whats he says some call "fog speak". AN affair ,some say is like an addiction, and as with any addiction there will be some pain in not "feeding" the addiction, like his no contact with the OW . How long the withdrawal goes on depends on him continuing NO CONTACT and you depositing into his love bank. one thing though try to refrain from harsh criticism, and judgements of him right now (things called LB or love busters) being as that only feeds his "knowing" that the OW is his soul mate,


I also dont care for his counseler too much, i agree with one of the other posters you should try and find a more "pro marriage" person.

I hope the little i wrote can contribute in some way to your healing your marriage,
my prayers are with you
cliff

Are there any WS's out there that can give me some info from their point of view to pass on to my H. He feels that all the information he is getting right now is one sided. There has to be some people out there that have gone through what he is going through that can give him some feedback and to show him that it is worth sticking it out.

I know that he has to make up his own mind. He feels like he is the only one in the world that has ever hurt this much. If I can just show him that it natural to feel heartache and that in time he will begin to be happy again.

Both of our Councelors suggested we start taking ani-depresents. I went and got an rx the same day for Paxil. Not sure if I totally like it yet, but at least I can function at work now without bursting out into tears every 5 minutes. My H has taken them before and actually stop taking them just about the time the affair started. He doesn't think he should take something to make him feel better. It's like he is trying to hang on to the pain. There is a family history of depression with both his dad and his brother. If he would take the anti-depresent, maybe he could think more rationally. I thought that maybe once he saw that I was willing to take the anti-depresents that he would be more at ease with taking them too, but he refuses.

Okay, forgive me, but I am full of questions! I am reading up on the Basic Concepts, particularly, fulfilling emotional needs. I know without asking that my H most important emotional need is sexual fulfillment. With him in withdrawal, how do I fulfill this need. I have been more than willing to do this, but he is not. I have told him that I will back off, but that I am here when he is ready. Did I do the right thing? I am affraid by waiting for him to make the first move, he will eventually turn to the OW for affection. But on the other hand, I feel like I am pushing him away when I show him any affection. Where is the happy medium???

Start in Plan A. You need to do it for several months, then you can go to Plan B.

As far as SF, OW has slept with multiple partners, so there is the problem of what disease you might contract. So if you do try to lure him in, be sure to use protection.

I did get test right away. My H and I were intimate throughout the time that he was having A. I was not completely fulfilling his needs. It was not often enough. I had lost my drive. My husband and I have both been working two jobs to pay for our house that we bought just last year.

Last night was a good night. My H came home from work in a good mood and initiated SF. He showed me a lot of affection last night. It felt wonderful.

Usually he is distant, but not last night. It was just him and I and no "ghosts"! Maybe what I said to him the night before about the OP moving on got through to him.

I know what you are going through. My W is doing me the same way. She works with the OM and doesn't want to quit her job. She sees him almost every day. It is tough. You have my prayers!