On March 21st, my world world came crashing down. It's the night that I found out my wife was having an affair with her old boss. But first....how did I get here: My wife and I have been married for 6 and a half years. We have three daughters, ages 5, 3, and 9 months. Our 9 month old has been diagnosed with developmental delay but at one point, we thought she would be blind, crippled, and retarded (she may not be any of these).

I have known for a while that our relationship has been having trouble. We had lost that intimate connection between us. We would only have sex every three months or so. I had reached out to her over the years, asking why there was no passion in our relationship and why our sex life was so bad (kinda selfish in a way, always about my needs).Each time her response was indifference. Financially, we are in good shape, money was never a problem. Her mother died in Sept and with the baby's problems, stress was unbelievable. We hated to be in the same room as each other. In Jan, I had another "No spark, no passion" conversation with her and she agreed there were problems. She said we felt like roommates and nothing more. I told her that I was questioning my feelings for her but in reality, I was playing mind games. I did love her and was trying to "scare" her into changing. Well, what I didnt realize was that she was questioning her feelings for me. She says she began soul searching
right around the time her mom died.I realized my error and told her that I did love her and wanted to make things work.

She began to confide with her old boss about our marriage problems in Oct. It turns out that his marriage was in equally bad shape (he has two boys). They began this emotional affair and it has led to a physical one sometime in Feb. I found proof and confronted her and she lied and lied until it was obvious she was caught. She admited everything: sexy cards and cell phone bills don't lie. The next day, I decided I had to make a choice: anger, resentment, hatred, and bitterness or I could love her and forgive her. I chose to love her and forgive her and I told her that. She couldn't believe that I could make that decision so soon but I told her that she didn't know what was in my heart. It's four days after the truth came out. I'm still at home. I've been in counseling (Christian) for 5 weeks and she is seeing her own couselor (about three weeks now).

I told her that the affair has to stop and she agreed but I feel that her correspondence with him will continue and that is essentially continuing the affair. We still sleep in the same bed and we still talk about other stuff. I know she has feelings for this guy as he connected with her emotionally. She tells me that if our marriage ends, it won't be because of this guy; it will be because she can't rekindle her love for me. I love her dearly and want to make it work. Please respond and tell me what you think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told her that the affair has to stop and she agreed but I feel that her correspondence with him will continue and that is essentially continuing the affair. We still sleep in the same bed and we still talk about other stuff. I know she has feelings for this guy as he connected with her emotionally. She tells me that if our marriage ends, it won't be because of this guy; it will be because she can't rekindle her love for me. I love her dearly and want to make it work. Please respond and tell me what you think. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to the forum. You are correct that if correspondence continues....so will the affair. Without a complete end to all contact...your marriage cannot recover. If she is able to do that, I think you two have a good chance of rekindling your romance witht he right coach. Please go buy "Surviving an Affair" it will help both of you immensely. Consider going to one of Dr. H's weekend seminars...they are wonderful. Good Luck...keep posting. So sorry you are hurting. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks for your thoughtful response star*fish. I have read the SAA book and it is very inciteful. After the affair was exposed I told her twice that all contact had to end. She knows I feel this way. But you can't force her to do anything. In fact, constant badgering may only push her further into his arms. If she's going out with her "friends" for the night you can't force her to stay home. As long as she is aware of how you feel, that's all you can do. The decision to want to work on the marriage has to come from her.

This is so sad. Sorry that you are here. You will have emotions that you have never before experienced. Do not lose your temper and do not say anything that you would later regret. The situation as you describe it does not justify her actions in any way. Her sharing your private situation with her boss, gave him an understanding that she was searching for companionship away from you. You have to inform his wife ASAP to make sure the affair comes to light and they are not encouraged to continue. The Christian counselor will tell you to forgive as Christ forgave. That is one of the hardest and most confusing things because biblically adultery is an abomination to God.
You say that </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She tells me that if our marriage ends, it won't be because of this guy; it will be because she can't rekindle her love for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds as if she is trying to protect the guy. Spouses who are in an affair can say the strangest things. They will look for all sort of excuses. Pay attention to her words and actions. Good luck.

Actually, There is plenty that you can do. They are called Plan A and Plan B....and they are both strategies to end affairs. Read the main site about Plan A....and then look at these guidelines put together by cerri:

Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)

Here's more....from Zorweb:

Doormats and Lovebusters:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> PLAN A

The major mistakes I see in Plan A are:

1) The BS doing nothing to interfere or attempt to break up the affair in acceptable ways.

2) Plan A’ing for too long, to the point that it becomes a lifestyle with great payoff for the WS and little for the BS.

3) Tip toeing around the WS by not telling them how the affair is hurting the BS. Basically acting as though the BS is afraid to upset the WS in any matter. This can lead to great emotional abuse of the BS.

4) The BS does not do Plan A for the WS or for themselves. It is done to break up the affair and begin marital recovery.

5) Totally misunderstanding what is and what is not a love buster and thereby never setting proper boundaries.

While becoming a better, more patient, more loving spouse can be a side affect of plan A, that is not it’s purpose. Plan A is a strategy to separate the spouse from the lover. (Or perhaps to pull a spouse out of deep withdrawal, but that's not your issue right now.) Nothing more, nothing less. Plan A will not save or restore your marriage. It is simply a tool to show your spouse that you recognize the contribution you've made to the deterioration of your M, and that you are willing, able, and determined to change those things.

Plan A is also about meeting needs as much as you feel you can. If you can make love with your H and not go away angry and resentful... go for it!! But if not, then Be pleasant, courteous, thoughtful, respectful. No demands, no disrespect, no losing your temper, no dishonesty, and no doing things that annoy or offend your spouse. (annoying behavior does have a qualifier when there is an A, and we will talk about that too.) Plan A is not about being perfect, being a doormat, or being a perfect doormat!

Plan A can be done in a letter if that is all you can muster. Plan A should have a deadline, as it's not an indefinite lifestyle choice. Most women cannot do Plan A as long as men. Some cannot even do it for a day, the pain of knowing their H is with OW is too great. Most women plan A for about 2-3 weeks, most men for about 6 months. Plan A is not a life style.

When it is said that the BS should do nothing to break up the affair, it’s a bit of a misleading statement. Plan A and Plan B are attempts to break up the affair. Acceptable and unacceptable ways to break up an affair.

It is unacceptable to try breaking up the affair using tactics such as threatening or using violence, stalking either the WS or the OP.

Acceptable ways to put pressure on the affair in Plan A/B:

1) Plan A and then if necessary Plan B.
2) Tell everyone: your parents, his parents, your religious leader, your other loved ones and close friends. Ask for their support in ending the A and saving your marriage.

3) Tell the WS that they are hurting you (the BS) every time there is contact. Do not give the WS the impression that you can get by.

4) Tell the WS that they are offending you grievously, that you are hurt beyond belief and that you are in pain. All of this helps break the shroud of secrecy and protection around the affair. It puts pressure on the affair.

5) Confront the OP. Tell OP that you love your WS and that you want your marriage to survive. Tell OP that he/she is contributing to the destruction of your home and your family. Beyond this do not contact the OP. Do not set up a relationship with them. They are incidental to the problems in your marriage. Given time the affair will almost always end whether or not you and you WS remain together. Affairs are based on fantasy. Tell the OP’s spouse.

6) Tell your children. Yes... tell them. They already know, so give them the gift of honesty.

7) Now, in the interim, there are things you can do. Confront the OW.

8) If your spouse is in the military talk to the Chaplin, their commander, family support and anyone else you can to get support. Their commander can put a lot of pressure on them, change their assignment to interfere with the affair, and so forth. Criminal charges can be filed. And so forth.

This will make the WS angry. The Policy of Joint Agreement does not apply. The marriage has already been breached. Telling is a way of stopping the bleeding so to speak. A way to end the A, to pick of the pieces of the destruction he is wreaking.

Affairs do not survive in the light of day. Doing everything you can to end it is encouraged. Once again, this is against every instinct we have, but it works.

Affairs do not last long when the OP is meeting limited needs and the WS is just having a wonderful time having their cake and eating it too. All the while the BS is.

Plan B is risky. At first it will certainly push the WS into the arms of the lover. But almost all affairs die a natural death. And that is hastened by being exposed to the light of day. Affairs exist and thrive only in secret and in fantasy. Once the harsh realities of life... kids, schedules, finances, laundry (!!) intrude, they lose their appeal.

Soon the arguments set in, withdrawals to the LBnk are made and the A comes to an end.

The time to go to Plan B is when: You are LBing more? Not sleeping well? Poor appetite? Losing your ability to concentrate? These are things that you need to take into account. Plan A is not sustainable indefinitely, and the more your love bank drains, the harder it will be to continue.

The 2 biggest mistakes with Plan B are not going to Plan B in time, and not insisting on the conditions for recovery. NO ONE wants to do Plan B. It goes against every instinct we have. But MB is about going against instincts. Harley says it over and over again on every topic he covers. Doing what our instincts tell us to do only gets us into trouble.

A Plan B letter should be short and to the point. It must include these

1. I love you

2. I married you for life. I want to stay married to you.

3. This thing you are doing is too painful for me to bear; it is destroying the love I have for you.

4. As long as you have contact with this person, I cannot see or speak to you.

5. When this affair ends, I would love to discuss reconciliation and recovery with you.

6. Until then I ask that you not contact me. All issues relating to children/finances/etc should go through____ who is acting as intermediary.

There is so much emphasis on ending the A and plan A, that people lose sight of the fact that ending the A is just one of two equally important parts in rebuilding the M. The second, and probably toughest part, is recovery. If the BS has very little love left for the WS, the recovery part may already be doomed because the BS will not put the sufficient effort to work his/her part and may use the WS's equally lukewarm response as enough proof to jettison the M and head straight to divorce. This is why plan B is an important component to the goal of rebuilding the M.

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COMMON MISCONCEPTION ABOUT LOVE BUSTERS

Many BS believe that insisting on no contact would be viewed as a love buster by their WS. Technically, it's not. A lot of posters talk about a LBer as anything that the WS finds unpleasant. That's not the case. If it were, then honesty, especially radical honesty, would become impossible.

A Love Buster falls into one of these categories:

1. Demands. Insisting that your spouse do something for you regardless of how it would make him or her feel to do it. Refusing to accept "No," to your request, graciously. Either overtly or insinuating some threat if your wish is not complied with.

There's a whole layer of subtleties around Demands. And it is defined by the one being asked to do whatever. I tend to be VERY sensitive to demands. My H saying something like, we need to change the oil this weekend, or I need you to come and look at (whatever his current project might be) will almost always fall into the demand category for me.

Also, we cannot insist that our spouse NOT do something. Although technically this is not a Demand but a notification that they are in violation of POJA, unless you are both on the same page about that policy, it will be a love buster.

The way to avoid making demands is to state what it is you would like, and then to ASK, "How would you feel about doing______?" This statement forces you to take your spouse's feelings into account, and to accept,"No," courteously.

2. Disrespect. This is anything that imposes your value judgment on your spouse. It can be as small as rolling your eyes at something he/she says, or as large as name calling, put-downs. One that is common for BS's is to question the WS's morals, standards, ethics, care of children.

While we may all agree with those assessments, to state them to your spouse is disrespectful. You can THINK whatever you want, but you need to monitor what comes out of your mouth.

3. Angry Outburst. Losing ones' temper and having a screeching tantrum is easy to recognize.

But an AO can be quiet and just as cutting. It's an action that is punishing in some way. (This does not include removing oneself from abuse or pain or neglect.... unless you hurl a rolling pin at his head on your way out the door.)

Threats are included in this category. So if you are planning to go to Plan B, then you need to make the plan and do it. Threatening would be an AO.

4. Annoying Habits. Things like slurping coffee, snoring, leaving your shoes all over the house, and collecting junk. All these are annoying habits. Things you do that make your spouse insane with irritation.

5. Independent Behavior. Monday night football, affairs, shopping with the girls, hunting, your religious practices. Lifestyle choices that are planned and executed without the enthusiastic agreement of both parties. Business travel falls into this category.

6. Dishonesty. Leaving your spouse in the dark on any of these subjects: 1. Past history 2. Present activities 3. Daily plans and schedule 4. Future plans, hopes, dreams, 5. Feelings and reactions... particularly to your spouse's behavior 6. Anything else you know to be true about yourself

Now, no contact in order to protect yourself from further pain does not fall into one of those categories. Will the WS be unhappy with that? Duh!!! Of course he/she will. But his/her unhappiness will be the direct consequence of his/her betrayal of you and his/her vows.

You are not hurting the WS. He/she has chosen to hurt themself by hurting you. No one, and least of all Harley, believes that you should be in pain in order to save your marriage. If you ever get a chance to hear him, he speaks about this all the time. That his concern is with YOU, the BS. He does not want you to suffer any more than you already are.

If your spouse is unhappy with n/c, then it's up to him/her to do the things HE/SHE needs to do in order to have you in his life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Still having a very hard time with how aggressive you should be with NC. If she has heard you and knows how you feel, then why keep beating it into her. After all, you can't force someone to love you.

Also, Plan B talks about NC with the wayward spouse so she can decide between me and the OM. I have three girls, two of which I usually pickup from daycare after work each day. If you have NC with wife, what do you do here? What about family functions?? If I'm forced or willingly move out, what do you do about contact with the kids?? NC with them would feel like abandonment. These three beautiful girls deserve more, don't they??

Unbelievably hard to lie next to her in bed knowing that she's thinking about her ex-boss and how torn she is right now. I've been very respectful and helpful and have done NO LB since I found out 5 days ago. Actually, haven't done any LB since she said she didn't love me anymore 6 weeks ago.

InGreatPain - Your story is so similar to mine. From the way the marriage was before the A, to the state and feelings you are having.

Good Luck to you.

LWNBTS, So what is it that you are doing try and save your marriage if, indeed, that is what you have decided to do?

From D-Day and even before she would admit to the affair, I wanted to save the marriage. And as much for the kids as for me. I love this women.

Yet right now I want to walk away. She won't read the books, and says that MC is for me not for her. She knows my feelings on the NC, and I even said she has to be the one to enforce it. Yet last night she put herself in the position to be with him. Right now I'm the bad guy because I'm making her quit VB which she loves. I just can't see past the crap that is happening now. I'm hoping that it will pass before I go home from work. I think I want to tell her it is over, but not because I want it to be, but for the shock. I know that is wrong, and worse yet she may be happy by that. Begrudgingly she says she will quit, so I have no reason to still be dwelling on it. But last night hurt.

I still do want to work it out, but I think I will be the only one working on it. I can't answer for what she is thinking, I can only think she wants to pretend it didn't happen.

LWNBTS, It seems that we do have a lot in common unfortunately. But if I could give you just one piece of advice, it would be this: Relax!! You can't fix this in a day, a week, a month. But you can make it worse. Stop confronting. Stop being angry at her. If she doesn't quit VB, than so be it, it's her choice. This is an Inch by inch battle and you can't try to grab 20 feet. Show her that you are different. Be respectful, courteous, and helpful.....and quit pressing her to see how she feels. This is all you can really do now, I think she knows the rest.

What great words of advice. Now I only hope I can listen to them. The lies and decite won't just won't end. Yesterday was my Birthday, got an IM from another freind on the team asking how it was, I guess my wife told them she was not staying out because it was my Birthday, she didn't come home till 1pm. And 10 minutes ago, I find out the OM has signed up to do the same Triathlon as my wife. Again pushing the envelope on NC, and pushing me further away.

'Relax' is definitely what I need to do. The triathlon is months away. The next VB game is not for 2 weeks. I keep telling myself that, but instead I want to tell her what bull this is. And how unfair it is to me and our recovery. I know it is step by step, but I really want to jump 20 feet ahead.

Thanks for the advice.

InGreatPain, did you expose the affair to the OMW, or to any freinds and family?

Okay guys....I'd like to answer your questions with some really good concept based advice. You are both floundering and I promise you...that much of what works to end affairs and rebuild marriages is counter-intuitive. So I'm going to respond to several things that each of you has said. Just so you give my thoughts a little weight....please know that I am in the process of being certified as a marriage coach with SYMC, IAC and coachville. I currently mentor couples in crisis for Penny Tupy at SYMC...and I have quite a bit of experience helping people deal with infidelity, Plan A and Plan B. I have also used these concepts successfully to rebuild my own marriage and have been in recovery for two years now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have read the SAA book and it is very inciteful. After the affair was exposed I told her twice that all contact had to end. She knows I feel this way. But you can't force her to do anything. In fact, constant badgering may only push her further into his arms. If she's going out with her "friends" for the night you can't force her to stay home. As long as she is aware of how you feel, that's all you can do. The decision to want to work on the marriage has to come from her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Never in a million years would I advise "constant badgering" it is against every MB principle on this site. Reread the stuff I posted to you...there isn't a "badger" in it. Feeling statements are not badgering which is a lovebuster and not Plan A at all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As long as she is aware of how you feel, that's all you can do. The decision to want to work on the marriage has to come from her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ultimately...yes...but right now, in Plan A...you are trying to entice her back to the marriage and make the marriage an attractive alternative to the affair. But enabling selfish behavior because you are worried about her getting upset isn't the answer either. It's a hard balance to find...but an important one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Still having a very hard time with how aggressive you should be with NC. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aggression is not a part of it at all...ever. Again, there is a huge difference between letting your wife know that continued contact hurts you....and demanding she stop. Demands are lovebusters. What you are looking for are "respectful requests". "This hurts me. Please end contact and give our marriage an opportunity to recover." Have you read "Boundaries" by Townsend...it might help you understand the difference between making demands, ultimatums and setting good boundaries. Demands and ultimatums have an implied threat or punishment. Boundaries are about you...not her. It's the difference between saying "If you do this I'll leave you." or "If you continue to do this, it just hurts be too badly to stay."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If she has heard you and knows how you feel, then why keep beating it into her. After all, you can't force someone to love you.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You keep using these phrases like "beating her" and really good feeling and "confronting statements" are about YOU...not her. You don't make judments, demands etc. You talk about what you feel and what you need to do to protect your love for her because these kinds of behaviors are destroying it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also, Plan B talks about NC with the wayward spouse so she can decide between me and the OM. I have three girls, two of which I usually pickup from daycare after work each day. If you have NC with wife, what do you do here? What about family functions?? If I'm forced or willingly move out, what do you do about contact with the kids?? NC with them would feel like abandonment. These three beautiful girls deserve more, don't they??

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No Contact has nothing to do with children. You still see your children and remain in contact with them. You have visitation and still pick them up...but you avoid contact with your spouse...which gives each of you a very clear idea of what divorce is REALLY like...one of the true consequences, and you use an intermediary to arrange these things. Family functions? Well, again, what would you do if you were divorced? During no contact you don't go to family functions your wife will attend....and the same thing goes for her. It's hard...but it's one of the realities of real divorce.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Unbelievably hard to lie next to her in bed knowing that she's thinking about her ex-boss and how torn she is right now. I've been very respectful and helpful and have done NO LB since I found out 5 days ago. Actually, haven't done any LB since she said she didn't love me anymore 6 weeks ago.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are in great pain...and still you worry greatly about causing her any. Not love busting is not about sparing her the consequences...it's about confronting the affair in respectful ways that are about you so that SHE can see the consequences and understand clearly what she is reaping. It does not punish.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still do want to work it out, but I think I will be the only one working on it. I can't answer for what she is thinking, I can only think she wants to pretend it didn't happen.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You ARE the only one working on it. That is a hard pill to swallow...but true. Right now...both of you have FOGGED spouses. They are in withdrawal. They are still addicted to their affairs...and the things you need from them like remorse, accountability etc. will only come...when the affair is OVER and they have clear heads and can recognize what they risked for this selfishness. That will take time. I'm sorry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Stop confronting. Stop being angry at her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anger is a normal and sometimes you will be eaten alive with it. Control your lovebusters and expect to be angry. Do your best however to understand that it is your logic and not your anger that will serve you best right now. But do NOT stop "confronting". Confrontation here on mb doesn't mean what it means out there. In MB land...confrontation is never an argument. It's not angry. It doesn't punish. It's about how the affair makes you feel, and it is an important part of helping your spouse come out of the fog. Remember...up until now...it's been easy to live in "fantasyland" and secrecy. Confrontation helps your spouse see the "real" picture and how ugly affairs actually are. It is part of shedding light and waking up a fogged partner.

Good Luck Gentlemen! My prayers are with you. Hope this clears up some confusion.

Oops....forgot to add one thing. Stop being afraid that she won't "like" being confronted with the selfishness of her actions. Of course she won't like it!! It is destroying her fantasy. But it is a necessary...very necessary part of having any chance of recovering your marriage. You don't "like" the affair do you? Is she concerned about your feelings? You must not be so afraid of her anger that you miss the opportunity to end these affairs...because the longer they go on...the more entrenced they become. Exposure and confrontation are not comfortable...they aren't supposed to be. Your intuition will steer you wrong in the this regard...because you are thinking it will drive her away. Thirty years of experience with couples dealing with infidelity proves the opposite. If the affair does not end...the marriage cannot recover. The more comfortable it is for your wives to continue...the longer they will. Done properly, with respect and without love busters...these are very powerful tools to end affairs. Be strong. To ignore her actions...is to enable the affair. You become a party to the affair by allowing her to continue while you remain silent about how you feel about it and how it affects your family and children. Be strong. Blessings!

Listen to starfish guys. She is an expert. You are still very new to this, and your self-esteem is probably at an all time low. But stick with marriagebuilders and we will get you through this.

Starfish....thanks for your help but I need more.
To update you: The other man's wife knows about the affair, he told her. My wife continues to say that if our marriage ends, it won't be due to the OM (I believe that this may be true). What this OM has done for her is shown her feelings she hasn't had for so long. He has shown her that passion and emotional intimacy really are very important to her. She feels that she has been too content in our marriage. He has shown her everything she has been missing in our relationship.

She says that she has just realized that she hasn't loved me for years and that she has been affraid to admit it for fear of hurting me (i believe this somewhat) . After her mother died in Sept, she says for the first time in her life, she has been "soul searching" and is finding out a lot of things about her self. Her counselor says that for my wife's entire life, she has put other people's feelings ahead of her own. My wife now feels that life is too short and that she needs to start doing things that make her happy. I mention that I am not the same person that I was 6 months ago (I'm a Christain)and that I really do know what she needs now. She says that may be true but she doesn't want her emotional needs met by me anymore. She's not sure why we continued to have kids when she was questioning her feelings for me, she says she thought things would get better. I'm anticipating her to ask me for a separation sometime soon so she can see if she misses me. I don't know what to think of this but I will most likely have to grant it to her.

Ooooh -
You are moving too fast. You are very new in this and need to slow down and take your time. Plan A should last several months, then there is always Plan B.
All this stuff your wife is telling you is fog talk. She may also be grieving the loss of her mother. So get on board with us, and don't let your self-esteem go down the drain.

Believer, she has already penned the separation letter so that she can see if she misses me. I haven't gotten it yet but I figure it's coming soon. Anyways, the letter says that she can't look me in the eyes after DDay and its too uncomfortable for her with me in the house. We talked last night but her responses are the same as my previous post. If I do get the separation letter, what is my next move?? Been doind a version of plan A for only a week.

Great Pain,

She says that she has just realized that she hasn't loved me for years and that she has been affraid to admit it for fear of hurting me (i believe this somewhat) .

Believe what you want to....but I wish I could write a book about the "script" that WSs use to express themselves...because this would be in it! I hear this every day. Fogged spouses REWRITE history. Not only aren't they "in love with you" but often they are convinced they NEVER were!!! Yikes! What poppycock! Don't you believe it for a second! This is textbook phrasing....and it's all about the "infatuation" and addiction of the affair. When they end the affair...and their heads clear...believe the song will be different.

After her mother died in Sept, she says for the first time in her life, she has been "soul searching" and is finding out a lot of things about her self. Her counselor says that for my wife's entire life, she has put other people's feelings ahead of her own.

Sounds like a very destructive counselor from my view. You see....individual counselors are only interested in individuals...not in the "partnership" the "marriage". A good marriage coach treats the marriage like another "entitity" that needs protection. Much of what an individual may think is selfishly good for them...destroys marriages.

My wife now feels that life is too short and that she needs to start doing things that make her happy.

Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy....it's supposed to make you married. And building security, safety, compatibility...gives you more freedom to be happy than most people can achieve alone. This is fog talk.

I mention that I am not the same person that I was 6 months ago (I'm a Christain)and that I really do know what she needs now. She says that may be true but she doesn't want her emotional needs met by me anymore. She's not sure why we continued to have kids when she was questioning her feelings for me, she says she thought things would get better.

More typical WS talk here. It's normal for her to be in withdrawal from you while an affair is present. Ignore it....it's not "real".

I'm anticipating her to ask me for a separation sometime soon so she can see if she misses me. I don't know what to think of this but I will most likely have to grant it to her.

If she stays with the same counselor...frankly I anticipate this too. And you can't "grant" it or "deny" it....it isn't yours to do. You must concentrate on what you can control....and that is YOU. Please....I beg you....get a good marriage coach..I recommend Penny Tupy www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com and learn why moving into Plan B if she leaves is the so important. As I said before....much of what you must do now is counter-intuitive...so don't trust what she says...don't even trust what you think....get help. Do it now. Hugs!