I'm new so please bear with me. My wife and I had a great marriage for 11 years. We were the couple other couples wanted to be like. Than last August my W started to act odd. At first I thought it might be a mid-life crisis. She suddenly was gone a lot and didn't have much time for me or the children and when we were together we just seemed out of sink. Eventually as the odd behavior increased she saw her doctor, the doctor asked about her marriage and she told her it was wonderful, they told her she was clinically depressed and was just reaching for anything new. She was given a script and for awhile it helped. Then the odd behavior increased and I honestly thought she was having a breakdown of some sort. Then in October my 10 year old son told me that mommy was seeing some other man. Nice huh? When I confronted her she said that it was a friend of a friend of our's that had died and he was just stopping in to talk about the dead friend. She went on to tell me that he stopped everyday and that she would ask him not to if it really bothered me. I felt bad for not trusting my wife but asked that she tell him not to come back. Then in November I caught her leaving his house. She had an excuse and I bought it, after all she couldn't possbily be cheating. Then as more and more things added up I confronted her again and each time she promised nothing was going on and I would end up feeling guilty for not trusting my wife. Just when things seemed to be getting back on track with US I received two voice mails at work from this guy telling me in graphic detail that he was having sex with my wife and had been for sometime. I confronted her she admitted to "spending time" with him but that is all. Eventually I came to find out more she has moved out for a couple of days, filed for divorce, cancelled that and now tells me that she never wants to lose me.
Here's where I get confused. She lied, cheated, and broke our trust but I am the one that is supposed to fix things? It is my fault she had the affair!?!? I always thought we were responsible for our own actions. I don't think when she gets to the pearly gates St. Peter will say, even though you haven't asked for forgiveness come on in because your husband drove you to break your marriage vows. I'm hurt, angry, and mistrustful. I can forgive the affair if I knew she was truly sorry but it just kind of depends on the day of the week. I know by dwelling on it I am driving us farther apart so how do I get past those feelings when she won't help. She just seems to think if we act like nothing happened everything will fix itself. Each time she refuses to acknowledge the hurt SHE has caused it opens my wounds further.
HELP!!

This isn't going to be easy. When did you find out about the affair (A) ? Has your WW (wayward wife)ended all contact with the OM (other man)?

It's true that even though your wife is responsible for 100% of having the A, you both contributed to the breakdown of your M (marriage).

Start reading as much as you can on this site. The road you about to travel isn't easy, and it isn't short. This will equip you with some of the tools for your journey, and explain a lot of what you're feeling.

One day you'll want to put it behind you...the next you'll want to hammer her for information to see what she's really done to you as a person. Unfortunately for us the BS (betrayed spouses)... it becomes our job to pull the WS (wayward spouse) out of the FOG they live in.

Keep posting... you'll get a lot of responses and a lot of help, as well as a place to VENT..so you don't do that to your wife.

That's what none of us get. It does not seem fair, but is the way to save your marriage.

Thanks for responding... I found out FOR SURE when I came back to work after Valentine's weekend. The new guy was kind enough to leave me details. Then have found more details, without trying I might add, off and on ever since. W says she no longer is seeing him but how do you know? You start reading something into everything. Now that it's out the other guy calls, drives by, we actually got a protective order against him about a month ago but then when my wife left for the few days about three weeks ago she let him come over to her new place. My 3 and 4 year old broke that news to me.
I've read on this site for two weeks several hours per day and I understand where I need to get, I guess, I just don't see how you get there.

dazed and confused

That's the same way all betrayed spouses feel when the arrive at this site. Now that you know that she's had an affair (A), it is up to you what to do next.

You can take the "easy" way out and cut your losses, and file for a D, or, you can choose the MB philosophy, that marriages can be saved after an A.

It's pretty much up to you. In your case, it sounds like you have (had) a good wife, who made a poor decision. While its not your fault she had an A, it may be partly your fault that your marriage wasn't strong enough to be A-Proof.

You are in the very early stages here. You need to rush out and grab two books, Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Read SAA first. It will give you a "plan" to save your marriage, if that's what you choose to do.

Also, there are many wise people on these forums who will give you sage advice on questions you may have along the way. This site is definately a Pro-Marriage site, and people are tremendously supportive of your efforts, but will give you a 2x4 upside the head too, if its needed.

Remember, saving a marriage will take more of your efforts, energy, patience and dedication than probably anything you have ever done. You need to start with Plan A, which you can read about here on the website, before you get your copy of SAA. You need to understand your wayward wife (WW) is in a complete fog, and probably is incapable of having much in the way of relationship talks with you right now. She will only say things that will hurt and confuse you and make you wonder what happened to the lovely lady you married. Read other threads here, and under recovery, to better understand this dreaded FOG wayward spouses (WS) live in, and it will help you better understand what you will be encountering.

You should also consider getting with your Dr. and getting some anti-D medication to help you through this. It's not easy to hold you marriage together until the A is over and your WW comes out of the fog. In fact, many will tell you its the hardest thing they've ever been through.

Good luck to you...

SD

Mr. E

As you probably realize your W isnt the person you thouhgt she was, thats what makes it so difficult to take.

WS's lie great, thats how they get away with things, they use that trust you have built up over years to scheme.

Kinda like a con-artist but much more savage.

It's common for the WS to kind of realize what they did and want you back. The problem is you accepting your wife for who she really is. Thats the hard part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> because you need to erase your memory or somthing?

I havent been able to accept it almost a year and a half later. Im still pissed off and ANGRY!

Some people here call it a rollercoaster ride, I like to call my new life the "Jerry Springer Show" accept this show doesnt seem to have an ending yet.

Bog, I certainly can relate to the roller coaster. About the time I think we are really making headway something takes us back to square one or worse. The bad part is when they are going so well and then suddenly there is a major change it is difficult or maybe impossible for me not to jump to the conculusion that the A is back on.
I want more than anything to make our marriage work but I also know I can't do it all by myself. For my part I know that I must either reduce or eliminate my expectations since at least at this point I know they will not be met. What i'm struggling with is how to put the hurt and anger away and not let it rear it's ugly head when MY needs are not met. We went to a marraige counsler and her advice was "just lay your anger down". Oh okay, how bout another pearl of wisdom like don't worry. If only it were that easy.

Your going to have great days and some really bad days, you may even get a nice week. I put my wife though hell and back and still do.

They can take it though, cheaters are very resiliant beings <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , thay can do/take just about anything and it doesnt seem to bother them much. I used to see my WS as a monster somtimes, i mean a real monster like transformed with an ugly head type of thing and i smacked it once. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I laugh at myself now when i think back, WTF was i thinking?

Your W probably isnt continuing the A, but you can never again trust her like you did before, which is the saddest part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Oh well, it aint going to be easy but i hear things get better with time, tick tock, tick tock...

Mr. E
You're obviously here because you want to save your marriage.

I've come to the conclusion there are 3 roads people when it comes to marriage and affairs.

#1. Goodbye, Seeya, don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.

#2. What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander...i.e. revenge affairs.

#3. Us....here...the fools that can't walk or run away, feel the shame, anger, hurt, betrayal and sometimes simply disgust...yet...here we are. There's a reason I'm here...there's a reason YOU'RE here.

This is something I ask all new members...
give me a list...of why you want your marriage to work? Why do you want to take your wife back into your heart after what she's done?

Jersey,
* because she is the love of my life
* she WAS/IS? my best friend
* up till six months ago she was a great mother
* I want to watch my children (3,4,11) grow up in my house with both parents
* even after what she has done to me I don't want to hurt her
Those are the 1st ones off the top of my head.

That's what you hold on to Mr E.
Find the strength in the things you hold dear to your heart.

Your wife IS your best friend...I KNOW that feeling. It only comes once in a lifetime doesn't it ?

I looked at my situation as a wake up call. We know that if we don't treat those that we cherish most with kindness and compassion, someone else will.

You're getting a second chance. She's not leaving...she's still hanging tough...you're her best friend too.

We are all human...she made a terrible judgement call...THAT'S it.....she is coming out of her FOG...and will be the person you once knew.

Keep coming here...keep reading...keep posting...when you feel like you want to throw in the towel...take out a family picture...or a picture of your wife with your children.....it will remind you...keep you in pace...like a string on your finger.

This isn't easy...I won't lie to you...I struggle every single day....trust me....but I once had to ask myself.....here is this person..and BOY did he comes with lots of things that made me NUTS....but I decided I wanted him with all his little quirks...than to have a life without him.

He's STILL that person....now he just has MORE faults...LOL.

Hang in there....we are here for you...we'll get you through this.

Welcome Mr.E,

Just wanted to add in that there's a great group of people here who will support you.I don't think there's anything worse for me,other than the death of one of my daughters,than going through Infidelity.I think about my WH dying and that would have been easier,honestly.I would not have the pain and humilitation of the absolute betrayal than with a death.So even in recovery it can be just as hard to deal with but we soldier on anyway for what we believe in and love.We hold onto the hope that we can make our marriages better than ever and hope to be one of the successes here.But the commonality is we are forever profoundly changed by these events.That is our bond.

You're in for the long haul so I wish you the best toward recovery.It will be hard.Take good care of yourself so you can endure.

O

Hello,

Did I understand this correctly? After you have gone through all of this hell and you both getting a restraining order against this OM because of his stalking; your wife goes away and allows him to visit her where she is staying? You have got to be kidding. How amazingly humiliating and disrespecting to you. What a message she gives to you. I doubt that the affair has stopped or clearly it will continue in the future again. Amazingly that she would allow him to visit her again after all of this. You need to think clearly the reasons why she would allow this. She is still lying to you on multiple levels. I am very sorry for your pain but her message to you seems quite clear. I wish you luck.

What you need to understand is that the wife you married died when she started lying and cheating on you. She has been transformed into another person with a different set of moral values and ethics. She is NOT your friend. She is not a good mother if she could bring around her lover while the children were still there. You have a right to know WHY she committed adultery. She has to show you that she takes responsibility for the affair. She has to show you that she is remorseful for breaking her marriage vows. IMO this cheating behaviour by her may have gone on for most of your marriage. You may want to consider getting a paternity test to confirm whether you are the biological father. I would also suggest getting tested for STDs.

<small>[ April 10, 2004, 11:59 PM: Message edited by: yosh ]</small>

Thank you for your replys. To answer some of the questions. Yes, she saw him again after the protective order. In fact right now we are going through a big ordeal because he vandilized the condo she rented when she left and the cops are says they can't do anything because she allowed it to happen?
OctoberGirl, I can relate to the pain you are talking about both from the loss of a child and the affair. We also lost a child.
As far as the post about past affairs I really doubt it but don't rule anything out. Up until last fall we were together almost constantly and when we weren't she was with our children. It's only been since last fall that she started needing to go into the office late and run errands on the weekend without the kids and having "secret" phone calls. I can't remember who's post this was but I sense and understand your anger. I feel the same way depending on the day.

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: craving_peace ]</small>

Thanks craving.. it's funny WS says that she doesn't know why she did it either and I think she really means it. I think in her case it just felt good to not have any responsibilities. I was still paying the bills and making sure the kids were cared for and this guy is single and didn't care if the mortgage was paid or the kids fed. There is a lot of anger on this site and I have more than my fair share so it is nice to get encouragement.
She actually drafted a letter telling him that she had made an error in judgement by not enforcing the protective order and that any further contact would result in a police report and she let me mail it so I know it went out. He's attempted contact since then, including gifts, calls, and the vandalizm since that time but the problem is that the cops don't take the PO seriously now since she didn't enforce it for a period of time. As the cop told me how can I make him stop contacting her if she doesn't stop contacting him? She told them she made a mistake and doesn't want him bothering her anymore but they don't care. One cop said this is just a lovers quarrel. It'a a MESS!

Mr E

I am glad she sent the NC (no contact) letter. That was an important step and if she continues to stick to this she will be able to shake off this jerk. She needs now to be sure he cannot reach her through email or phone. Can you block his phone number or can you use caller ID and simply ignore his calls? Simple things but they will allow him to get the message that this is OVER.

Good luck and I hope you will continue to show her you love and understand her even while you continue to insist on NC..It is the only way out of this 'mess'.

best of luck & a hug,
c_p

I know this all must be very difficult for you.

On DD I was so freaked over being caught the first thing I did was call a divorce lawyer. I didn't know how my husband could ever forgive me.

His reassurance that he still loved me and that we would get past the A was so helpful to me. I didn't see the attorney.

Believe it or not, even though us WS's are the guilty party, we need some assurance, too. I was worried that H would be so angry he might physically hurt me.

Just some insight from a FWS.

We've done all we know to do unfortuetly it doesn't seem to be enough. He has now changed his cell # so it comes in private name and # so we put another kind of block on to catch calls that aren't identified but for some reason his come through. Phone co. says nothing they can do. Even if we don't answer it is upsetting to all. We also live in the country and he likes to just drive by and honk. We now know he has been convicted of phone harrassment of one other woman and had charges filed twice so he's been down this road before. The scary part is my wife own's her own business and is there alone at times. The way we got the protective order was that he came in after her after the cops had warned him. Surprise surprise Mr. E was inside waiting. I got to break his shoulder that time so it was partially worth it. Just wish I hadn't stopped at the shoulder. The guy isn't right. He has done so much now I believe she is truly done with him but everytime he does something it just kind of sets us all back. If this was the old west he'd be in boot hill right now.