</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish the problem was spending more time with her but she has put us in huge debt with her spending</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm. I guess I didn't make myself very clear.

How do you know whether she needs more time or more financial support? How do you know what her ENs are? How do you know you're meeting the correct ones?

Your response above makes it clear that for YOU a lot of the problem is debt. What is the crux of the M problems from HER point of view?

Regarding the debt, have you guys tried to POJA some of this? It would help ease tension in the M if you could agree on what spending habits are acceptable within your M, if you can agree on major purchases (and also on what constitutes a "major" purchase), and if you can to agree on how the debts are to get paid.

I'm glad the last couple of days have been good ones!

Shad, taking another woman home is wrong. You acknowledged that, but your wife became upset. Why does she think she has the right to do what she has done and at the same time she gets upset at your actions? I am not trying to excuse your action. It was wrong. But it just shows how selfish and self-centered wayward spouses can be. They can act in any way they wish, destroy your love, destroy your self steem, but don't you dare to do any of those things. Is your wife the jealous type, maybe overly jealous?

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: Why-me? ]</small>

Shad, you've gotten some good advice here. But there's one thing I want to comment on.

You mentioned that you gave up your government job for one that is more lucrative but that you don't like, to satisfy her EN for money. I'll operate on the assumption that you liked the government job you gave up.

Unfortunately, the money clearly wasn't the be-all and end-all, since it cut down on the time your could spend with her, which pissed her off, in spite of the newfound oodles of cash.

I think one of the things that gets missed here sometimes is that Plan A and meeting emotional needs are all well and good. But sooner or later, you need to do some things for yourself, as well. In my case, one of things TBXW didn't like was that, after I finished school, I was interested in doing good works rather than in getting rich. She wants to be rich, and doesn't seem to care how she gets there.

Unfortunately she never told me this... I took a lesser-paying job at a smaller company, so that I'd have more time with her and the kids. Turns out she didn't want that, she wanted the money.

Now that we've split up, I'm recommitting myself to the good works-type job that I want. It's not what she would have wanted, but that's irrelevant now -- it's what I want.

By all means, do what you feel you have to do to save the marriage. But do NOT become a different person just for her. Do NOT sacrifice the things that are important to you, just for her. Sooner or later, you have to say to her, "this is who I am. Within that frame, here's what I will do in an effort to make you happy." If it's good enough, terrific. If it's not, well then... perhaps the marriage can't be fixed. But there's no benefit to changing yourself into somebody completely different who you don't even like, just to serve the needs of somebody who's already cheated on you.

"Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got."
-- Janis Joplin

Thanks for all the input and advice. I am still dealing with all the emotions of the roller coaster. My wife is back to her usual self pre A, she told me today that she is getting a quote on new flooring for the house and wants me to call a plastic surgeon to treat her spider veigns. Man I cannot believe what world she is living in but, it is not reality. I should just leave her so she could get a shot of reality. She has got a part time job and that should help with the bills but, she wants to spend her money the way she wants and mine to. I really am not up to argueing about the money because she says that is what drove her to the OM. We took the EN survey and it showed for her her top EN was Physical Appearance, Financial Support, Conversation, and Recreational. I have lost 25 pounds and have been working out. I still try to meet the financial support but it is getting out of hand and I talk to her alot on the phone at work, man its tough. She saw mine was Sexual Gradification and has met that need well but has not even tried on the other needs. well I'm rambling now will get back later wife wants to go to dinner with the kids that will cost about 40 bucks and I took her to lunch also. Go Figure

Shad,

Good job that you both took the questionnaire and know what each other's needs are!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really am not up to argueing about the money because she says that is what drove her to the OM.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can definitely understand why you'd be reluctant to bring up anything money related. However, by avoiding the one item that causes the most tension and frustration in your M, you're setting yourselves up for future problems and frustrations (perhaps including more As).

If Financial Support is one of her top ENs, you both need to be able to discuss it. The fact that you end up arguing about it says to me that at least one of you engage in LBs when this topic is put on the table.

It also sounds like the spending decisons in your family are not enthusiastically agreed to by both parties.

It appears to me that the things you both need to work on are:
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Learning to discuss finances without LBs</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Learning to POJA spending decisions</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Employ the four ground rules of successful negotiations</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
If you present this to her from a loving perspective, she should be open to it. "Honey, I know that Financial Security is important to you. I also know we tend to fight when money matters are discussed. I have found some tools that will help us in our conversations so that we can talk about this without fighting. Would you please look at these tools with me? It is very important to me that I be able to make you happy, and I think these tools will really help me with that goal."

Well I just found out thru cell phone records that the WW and OP have been talking on the Phone this whole time. Man, I just can't bare all the lies, this is getting way to bad for me. My job is not doing good and I just want to get out of this relationship and leave. OP has moved to another city farther away since he could not find a job <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . He moved to the city where my WW is from and her family. I don't know if that means anything because her family is on my side. She told me and the kids that she wanted to go see her family this weekend by herself, before I found out that he had moved. I told WW that I still could not trust her and that she needed to stop lying and she told me she would not call him anymore and would not take his calls <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I do not believe her. Well I need input from you out there as where to go. I do not want to fight with her because that will only make her call him again. Maybe its time for Plan B with summer and the kids being out I should move out. Any suggestions <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My WW pawned her wedding ring during the A with the OP to pay for her cell phone bill. She told me today that she wants another one since, she says she needs one now. I got the ring out of the pawn shop but have kept it hidden. I want to renew our vows and give it to her then. I also want N/C for over 2 months before anything can be discussed as far as the renewal. any Help will be appreciated.

Bad day yesterday found out WW spoke to OP yesterday for 2 hours on the phone. She told me he called and she answered it to tell him goodbye and NC. Why do I think she is lying and still hopeing it is the truth. Help Help Help 2.5 months since Dday.

Stop the divorce proceedings, cancel all credit cards, ask her to balance the checkbook, and Plan A your butt off.

Inform OM's parents that she's having an affair with a married woman with 5 kids - and inquire how many bedrooms they have. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Did you confess your affair?

WAT

Thank you Worthatry,

I have cut my cards up but she will not. I am still Plan Aing and have found out OP is still calling. I will not leave my kids and will not go on with the D. It will all be up to her now I need to focus on the children and work to make this marriage work. again many thanks.

worthatry, I have not told her about my one night stand because, it was when she was out with OP and I was trying to make myself think I did not need her no more. We just ate lunch and I said something about the A and she told me if I can just talking about it and then she got mad. Lunch was bad, I don't understand why she has a hard time talking about the how and why's. I need them answerd so I we do'nt make the same mistakes. I am still hurt because its only been a week since they talked for 2 hours.