I just confessed to an E/A.

Please, to anyone that is even thinking about getting involved with someone else - DON"T!!!

The pain that I have caused is far worse than I can imagine and I am so ashamed. I am so sorry.

For chackler:

It is a comfort that you show remorse for your E/A. That is very helpful to the spouse who was not involved in the E/A. I know because my husband confessed to an E/A six months ago. It was devastating to me. I had no idea. I was very trusting. I have asked him why he was driven towards another woman and he can only tell me that he was not in his right mind. I find that answer unacceptable and would like to know from someone who has been in his shoes what causes a spouse to stray? I have yet to understand because I was and am still deeply in love with my husband and I showed it daily. I admit that my time was divided between him and my two children and perhaps they took center-stage sometimes, but I find it a poor excuse for my husband to stray when I am taking care of him and our family that we have created together.

I appreciate your posting and hope you can work things out with your spouse. My husband and I are on the road to recovery. He ended the affair immediately after he confessed to me, and we are beginning a new life together. It is very difficult, though, and I am very hurt by this whole experience. But each day gets better. I remain hopeful that my husband will stay forever faithful to me.

Chackler,
Please give us more of your story. I know it's difficult...but it will help you tremendously.

You'll find out what to expect from you and your spouse, and the insight is invaluable.

Hooray for you for having the courage to confess. Yes, everyone hurts...including yourself.

I'm sorry your here, but we'll help you.

It's kind of hard to explain everything without it turning into a long rant but I will try and be short... Also, I don't know all the cool "lingo" here so please bare with me.

A friend from the past caught up with me and we re-established a friendship. He found me attractive and me, being the gullible person that I am, fell for his comments - you are pretty, funny, etc... We met once for lunch, and nothing happened but it was obvious there was an attraction. At the same time is when I started distancing myself from my husband. Even though I didn't see it this was the starting point of the EA, at least that's where I think it started. We communicated by e-mail, a little at home but mostly at work. We met again for lunch and the attraction was there, but nothing happened. He told me that he wanted to sleep with me but I said no, but emotionally I was growing attached to the guy.

Hubby picked up on it and I finally told him that I was attracted to another man. After much crying and talking, and deciding to start counceling, he asked me to stop communicating with this man. I lied and said I did, but I didn't. I kept it going for another month I believe, in fact, we were to meet today believe it or not. Yesterday I called out sick due to a migraine and started a chat with the other guy. During this whole time my hubby had a feeling that something still was up - he knows me too well (which is a good thing!!!). Anyhoo, somehow, due to computer problems, our chat was saved as a temp file and he found it. It all came out last night. I have since ceased communication, hubby sent him an e-mail to stop communication with me and I have asked our IT department to block his e-mail address which they did.

I don't know why I did this other than to think that I was being selfish and instead of trying to address the problems in my marriage I tried to escape? I don't know, I am still trying to figure it out really. hubby wants reasons and because there are so many different things running through my head I don't have a clear cut reason, which probably isn't helping him.

My husband is a wonderful man and he did absolutely nothing wrong, this is all on me. I just wish I could explain my behavior. One thing is that it's all very super addicting and before you realize you are in trouble, it's too late. There are other factor's too obviously but that's all I can think of right now - the addiction.

Hope this helps, hope you can help me/us out. I showed him this site last night so he's been checking it out. Believe it or not this site helped me to keep the EA from going any further. I just wish it never got that far in the first place.

Hi Chackler,

I think you are on the right track and from what you have written here, I think your marriage can definitely survive this betrayal. It is not going to be easy, but you sound very remorseful and intelligent and you seem to realize that this is an addiction and that it is now time to remove yourself from the addiction and start addressing the issues that lead you in this direction. I think that you will do well. It is never too late to start getting better.

My own H has been involved in an EA for the last eight years (yes, you read right - 8 years!) and it's been hell for me. I actually found out about six months ago that it was never really over between the two of them. My H also says all the right words; I'm not sure what the OW says to him, but I've read the emails that he sent to her and it seems like HE is definitely the driving force in the relationship. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

This has been so painful for me and I know that the few people that know about this have asked me, why the h*** I am letting him do this to me and why I don't just move on with my life. I used to say things like "I would never let a man cheat on me." - well, you don't really know what you are going to do until you walked a mile in that person's shoes, don't you?

I love my H very much and I want nothing more than for us to have a good relationship, but at this point, I am not even sure if all this is even about me anymore or our relationship, but rather himself and his own demons. I'm not even sure if I can help him anymore.

Recovery is not always a breeze, but I think there is hope for you and your husband.

Take care!

Kati

chakler, it was brave of your part to come forward with the truth early on before it became physical. Do not get me wrong, but the emotional affair is bad enough. You and your husband should use this as a wake up call to find out what is missing in your relationship.
Do you have any unmet needs? Do you think you are insecure and that is a weakness the other man saw and was using to get to you? Was he really a friend in your past or something more? Back to the insecurity question, but did you have a normal home life growing up? Any abuse (verbal of physical)? How do you relate to your parents? Was there infidelity or lack of respect in your parents' home?
Hopefully you will find help and answers to your questions in this forum. There is a wealth of collective experience present here. God bless you!

THank you for your responses...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think you are insecure and that is a weakness the other man saw and was using to get to you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm horribly insecure, I don't know if the other guy picked up on it, probably did. I am in counceling right now and we have gone into my insecurities - lots of little demons going on in my head! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was he really a friend in your past or something more? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, he was just a friend, nothing more, and not even a good friend I would say, more of an aquaintence (sp?). We did get along but just ran in different circles when we worked together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Back to the insecurity question, but did you have a normal home life growing up? Any abuse (verbal of physical)? How do you relate to your parents? Was there infidelity or lack of respect in your parents' home?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bad childhood, verbal and some physical abuse. There was absolutely no respect between my parents. Sure they didn't divorce but at times I wished they did. One of my brothers use to beat me up at times too. As to any infidelity between them I don't think so but I don't know for sure. My father passed away about 5 years ago and my mom has gone downhill mentally ever since.

We start counceling next week thank goodness. I just want to figure out all that happened so it doesn't happen again, ya know?

Chackler,
You're off to road of recvery. Good job.

Can I make a few more suggestion?

I-You said that your husband (H) called the OM. That's great but the OM should hear it from you himself. Otherwise he may think it wafalse or coerced.

I don't mean for you to call or see him but would suggest that you write him a no contact (NC) letter. It should be very short and to the point.

Besides insuring that the OM gets the message, it will also help your H. It is a demonsration by you of your recommitment to the M despiter your mistake. Tell your H you want to send this letter. Have him help you write it or at least peruse it. Have your H mail it so that he knows that you didn't write a PS on the letter to say, "I'll always remember you" or other tripe.

The following points should be addressed in the letter:

1)Your relationship w/ him was a terrible mistake
2)You love your husband very much and want to work on the marriage
3)He should never under any circumstances try to contact you
4)If he does or attempts to you will immediately tell your husband

Do not end the note with "have a good life" or "sorry the friendship is ruined"

Simply sign your name.

II. Take it from me on this next one. It happens alot around here. Happened in my case and hopefully not in yours.

OK You got caught. So you admitted to the EA. So far so good. Alot of WS who are caught admit to this. The evidence points to an EA: cell bills, e-mails, lunched together.

Sometimes the WS has also had a PA but they only admit to the EA. If you had a PA, you may believe that it wouldn't be advisable to admit it especially if the evidence doesn't quite implicate you. WRONG! You need to tell your H and you need to tell him now!

Eventually the truth will come out. Whether in a year you feel guilty or whether someone saw you at the hotel, whatever....It will come out. It's best to tell him now at the very start of recovery.

I discovered the truth 18 months after the original DDay. It took us right back to square one. Actually it was worse than square one because she had continued to lie to me. All of the answers to my questions concerning the affair were lies of ommission. We wasted at least 2 years with the effect of this false recovery!

Hopefully it was just an EA that was discovered in time.

cwmac

Thanks for the advise!!!

Hubby sent the no contact e-mail and I was with him. So far, this man has not made contact with me and I don't think he will. Also, my good friend here at work has blocked OM's e-mail addresses so I can't e-mail him nor receive e-mails from him. I know OM well enough to know that he won't contact me. He has a lot to lose if this got out so he's protecting himself. I was the one that lied and continued the relationship, it was me all along. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Funny, it was an EA but it was coming to a head (sorry, best way to put it). I told the OM no sex, no PA and I really wanted to break it off. I thought if I could make it to counceling I could let it out in a "safe" environment. I realized that was wrong and I was being a coward. I didn't have the guts to end it when I started to get tired of it all. I didn't have the guts to face my husband and tell him the truth. I just chickened out. I also believe a lot of it is selfishness. Kind of you want the best of both worlds. Doesn't work that way and I realize now that I don't want to live in that kind of world because it's just so fake and I am not one for being fake.

I have told my hubby my password to my e-mail account and I like the idea of us having one e-mail address so I think I want to go for that. OM doesn't know of that account anyway so that's good. I just wish this person never contacted me in the first place, I just wish we never worked together long ago because we never would have met and this never would have happened.

What scares me though is that if it didn't happen with this OM, would it have happened with someone else? I hate to think that but who knows? I just don't, can't have this happen again. Hubby deserves so much better. I am truly blessed to be with him and I love him so much. I can't let this happen ever again.

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: chackler ]</small>

Chackler,
Maybe I missed it but did you ever say if the OM was married?

If so you & your H need to tell her.

cwmac

Your situation is very common and almost predictable. Insecurity is a common denominator in many affairs. Your early life experiences and home life unfortunately are at the root of the problem. You need to go through individual counseling to dispel those demons from your life. You may have the most wonderful spouse in the world, but remember the expression, "the chain is as strong as its weakest link". If someone else pays attention to you or compliments you, because of your insecurities, you may be drawn once again. What is important to realize is that you are important and you have been blessed. Look at the positives and do not think that this experience was entirely your fault. You have been honest and your husband will be instrumental in your healing. God bless you.

Hi again!

I never realized how my past abuse really affected me until I started counceling. I thought my childhood was normal - go figure.

My husband is such a blessing. He told me he loved my like how Jesus loves us, though he know's that can hardly compare to the actual love God has for us. He loves me unconditionally, through all the pain and sorrow. He said he doesn't want to belittle me, make me feel bad or use this against me in any way. Can you believe that?! I can but he is such a better person than I. I don't think I could be that loving.

I still miss the OM but it's more on a friendship level than anything else. I realize that I can't contact him again, or re-establish a friendship and that is fine with me but it's still hard sometimes. Then again, all this came out this week so the pain isn't instantly going away. I just wish I could take my husband's pain away, more than anything I wish that. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

chakler, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I saw your post and I had to respond to it. Your story is very similar to my wife's. On the surface she seems very strong, but somehow her experiences growing up affected her, and as a result us. It has been over a year since discovery day and it has been the most painful experience in my life. One of the hardest things for me was to see her crying and suffering and not knowing why. I then felt her anger and hostility for reasons which were not clear. Affairs can be such a destructive force and there are individuals who have no regard for the damage that they do to a marriage.
I was very sure of myself and was very optimistic about everything, but since D-day my world was turned upside down. It is good that you reacted when you did and did not allow your situation to become physical.
May God be with you and your husband.