I am sorry I have to be here in this forum. You are all great company, but honestly I would rather be waking up next to her, having coffee together, walking together; sharing our daily life; but this time around with more depth than ever and total honesty. This is what I still long for even after a year divorced and 22 months in crisis.

But I continue to wait for the most difficult type of all people; a person who refuses to initiate or respond to anything. From time to time, I try to communicate with her; not in a pressureful way, but with honesty, patience, empathy and even a touch of humor. But she just gives nothing back. She just busies herself with work, spends a bare minimum amount of time in our children`s lives, and does not seem to care about anyone but herself.

But now I have reached the point which many of us must surely come to. I have to know what her true intentions are for the future. It must seem odd to all of you that I keep waiting for this woman after all this time, but I just had not figured out any other way. Now though, something has changed and I just must know.

Just recently on our one year divorce "anniversary", I sent her the following sincere message where I asked from her a direction. You see, she has never entirely discounted reconcilation. She has always considered it possible. But now, my waiting is over. The message I sent read:

"One year ago, I opened up an envelope which declared our marriage void. If you are certain that you will never want a future for us, please tell me and I promise you!, I will completely cease pursuing you and begin a new path. If however, you are still uncertain about what you want, plese tell me this also and I will continue to wait in faith. Think of all the years ahead. Aren`t we worth a second try?"

After nearly one week, I have received nothing back, absolutely nothing!! And I doubt I ever will receíve anything. She will just delay and delay until the whole meaning will be lost. The fact is that she does not know what she wants. But why? I have never known a more confused, indecisive, procrastinator in all my life. But, my message could not be clearer. I am asking her to make a decision; to either try again for us, or free me for good. The problem remains that she herself is chasing a "non-committer". The man she is pursuing refuses to make a decision with her and therefore she refuses to make a decision with me. Nasty triangle.

I have been sticking it out though for a reason other than my Love for her. We also have two children and I sincerely believe a reconciliation would be best for them.

Has anyone experienced this kind of frustraing non-communicative person? For 22 months, I have been Standing Patiently in front of a brick wall.

Do I re-send the message to her? Or do I take her non-response as an "I don`t know" response; which means that I just continue to wait? Maybe her silence means more than I think it does; or then maybe she just does no understand the gravity of my question, or then maybe then she just does not care.

Trying to Stand Patiently, but failing

Are you trying to do things for yourself to have a nice life? Please don't make it all about her. Sounds like she is still pursuing her fantasy. I would start having a nice life, and maybe she, or someone else will join you.

I agree with Believer. My wife is doing the same thing as your's. She told me I was tring to hard She said if I sowed some sign of not wanting to be with her she might feel different. It is so hard to act like you don't love some one, But some time we have to if we really do care. Remember the old saing "turn it loose if it comes back it was ment to be".

She sounds alot like my W also. We arent divorced yet nor have papers been filed to my knowledge. She just keeps doing the bare minimum to keep me hanging. SHe goes to MC and thats about it. The rest of the time she is nasty and will not give me any indication that she is going to come home. She says she doesnt want a divorce, and niether do I, but her actions are making me want one a little bit more al the time. I dont know maybe thats her plan. Buddy, I dont kow what to tell you but I think I would have givin up by now. I would hate to do that to my kids, and like you I think thats alot of what is keeping me from bolting. I do love my wife, but I'm only gonna wait so long.

Hello Standing,

It seems to me that she has responded to you. By ignoring you and refusing to communicate to you she has made it clear where she stands. Not making a decision is a decision. Good grief she divorced you and pretty much refuses to respond to you and does little with the children yet you are wondering where she stands?

I do not mean to be hard on you but you kind of sound like one of those guys who keep calling up a woman for a date and the woman either says she is busy or never returns the call. The man then tells himself she still answers the phone sometimes so I do not know where she really stands.

I think your children and yourself need to find happiness with a woman who can love and appreciate you and your children. Your wife divorced you, apparently refuses to respond to you and treats you as if you do not exist. It is time to be realistic. If someone wrote to you what you have written what would you think? It really seems it is time to stop wasting your energy and your life on someone who does not wish to spend her life with you. Do you need to have a piano fall on your head. I have never understood why people must hear the words in order to move on. Judge a person by their actions and not their words. She divorced you and does not respond to you or your messages so you are asking should you keep writing her again? How much is enough for you? I really feel so sorry for you. Please think about getting into individual counseling so you can move on and make a better life for you and your children. I wish you luck.

Wow. That was such good advice, bryanp. I'm not separated or divorced, at least not in the true legal sense. But, I can relate to this situation completely. My husband totally ignores me and blows me off, yet I feel the need to keep "chasing". I feel he can't possibly be this cold, he has to feel something. We've been married for seven years, for goodness sake. Hard to believe it's all been a waste. Don't wanna let go. Can't face the music. I tell myself I'm stupid, and need to be slapped. This man is SHOWING me how he feels, without saying much of anything. Deep down, I do believe actions speak louder, yet I keep turning a deaf ear. I can't accept my marriage is over.

Seems like this is what's happening here..even though you are divorced, and have been for over a year. I feel your pain. I'm in denial, too, and wish I wasn't. I want to get on with my life. I hope you can find a way to do that as well.

Well, my situation is a little different. WS told me to "move on" because he was staying with his OW. (She was pregnant). I never sent a Plan B letter and honored his wishes. We were not in contact for 6 months except for 1 letter I had written him explaining how I felt. OW had misscarried by that time. I never tried to contact him after that letter and always hoped he'd write to me which he never did. I happened to see him out one night (2 months after the letter), and the first thing he did once he saw me was come up and give me a hug and told me he had wanted to call me so many times but couldn't.
We talked a few times and saw each other for a while after that. He told me it was so hard for him, and that he hadn't forgotten about us, there were so many things that remined him of me. Also that he'd learned a lot and OW was nothing like me. He even broke up with OW and we talked about getting back together again until low and behold OW is pregnant again. And again he chose to stay with her for that reason. He has been with her a total of 16 months now and yes I still want him back desperately! In a sense I have moved on, dated, etc. but all I can think about is WS coming back and I never give up hope. Right now I'm in another Plan B. Only you can know what is right for you and remember miracles happen every day. Sometimes WS's are so full of guilt and many are so confused they don't know what to do. Whatever you do I wish you luck!