This is probably going to drive some people to get mad - I do apologize for this - it is not my intention.
There are times when I get so frustrated with my WW that I have thought why not forget about God and go and live a sinful life. Go find some woman that is willing to do everything that my wife feels she is entitled to with this guy. Purely sexual. Purely pleasure based. Of course she is emotionally being fulfilled - or so she wants me to believe.

Is it normal to feel this way? Has anyone done this? Has anyone on here done it again after repenting both as the first timer or the one doing it to get even? My WW has accused me of having an affair - it hurt me when she said it because I find it absolutely abhorable and have never been close to it happening......

Thoughts...am I normal or just allowing deception to creep into my mind and thoughts...

I think you're normal.

I've always been of the opinion that we are all capable of having thoughts of doing the wrong things, bad things, maybe even evil things. It what we do about those thoughts that determines what kind of person we are, what kind of person we become.

Just because I've had thoughts of traveling all over the country, finding every single OM and WH out there, and knocking the stuffing out of each and every one of them, it doesn't mean I'm crazy. Now, if I started doing it.....then it's a different story.....

Thinking something and doing something are two very different beasts.

From a womans point of view, you're definitely feeling the same things I did when H moved out. Didn't exactly have an affair (he was moved out and living with OW), but I met someone after he'd been moved out about 3 months and did something stupid. I can remember feeling "lost" and unwanted. At the time it felt great to have someone reaffirm that I was a person and was desireable to someone else.
I will say it's one of the biggest mistakes I made. It pretty much ruined any chance at reconciliation that I had. Apparently what was good for the goose wasn't good for the gander. He wanted to come back, but "couldn't stand the thought of me with another man..." Double standardd, yep... But it's where the cards fell. So I guess my advice is no matter how you feel about it now, don't and wait it out. Instant gratification doesn't last long and you end up feeling guilty about it.

Joe,,

I had all of those thoughts,,,, I felt like I was unwanted and inadequate. One night another woman gave me some conversation and was saying things like,,, your wife must have been crazy to cheat on you,, you are very attractive,,, I would never do that to a man like you.....etc. It was all it took for me to have a one night stand with a total stranger. I definately regret it.
Yes I told my wife,,, she did not seem hurt by it at all,,, she has said that she felt so guilty of her betrayal that she just did not feel justified to hammer me about mine.
I told her my ONS was no better than her affair,, we both made bad decisions that will affect the rest of our lives.
So... I f you are asking me did it make me feel wanted,,,,, yes it did but only for the time I was having sex with her. Did I get what I needed....NO WAY all it really did was add another log on the fire....something else for me to regret,,, as if I did not have enough allready. So you can take it from me,,, it does nothing to help your marriage all it does is hurt you,, your wife and children. I found out the hard way.

Yes - I've thought about revenge sex - or just meeting some guy to have an EA with - because I'm lonely..Since my WH is a serial cheater he has more than 1 women going at a time - it seems unfair that I have noone...and he has fulfillment at home, work, at bars, hotels, etc. He has denied me a normal sex life for many years and I deserve more..And I'd tend to think a lonely married women would be ripe for the pickin and could easily get picked up for a ONS, PA or EA..these are exactly the type of W my WH looks for..
BUT - I won't do it...I have too much self-respect to lower myself to the standards my WH is living by...though, at 47 my time may start to run out..How can I judge his decisions in my mind if I do the same thing? How can I call his OP's a homewrecker if I too become one?

I want my WH to be with me..and he won't, so I sit and wait and Plan A my butt off..working on improving myself, looking the best I can, treat others with respect, and look forward to the day that this all ends - one way or the other..

Life isn't always fair...But, you can put money on this one...if I do end up single - I'll NEVER fall into the arms of a M man...

Why not commit adultery yourself!
Because it is adultery...

I've thought about it a lot. I told my WH that I thought about it and it scares him. It's just for revenge. And to feel wanted. But, mostly revenge because I want him to know how much it hurts. Maybe he could feel some of the pain I feel.

I've not done it though and I haven't put myself in a position to meet anyone to do it. I want the chance to repair my marriage and I don't think it would be repaired if I did it. It would just open all the old wounds and hurt everyone.

But, yes, you're normal. Good luck hon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe he could feel some of the pain I feel


I felt just like that,,,, but afterwards you still have that pain... and you add the pain that your WS has.
truth is I didnt know the pain of shame and guilt, it brought me to my knees to tell my wife I was also an adulterer.
The pain of being betrayed alone is bad.
Dont add the pain of guilt and shame.
its like this.... you will be inflicting yourself with more pain,, and you will also inflict your WS with the pain of betrayal,,, if you have any hope of saving the marriage I definately do not reccommend revenge. Take it from a husband who has tried that flavor.

I think about this all the time and really I have to be honest, any and all of us are capable. I have, from talking in other posts on this site realized a couple of things that my pain and anger didn't allow me to see, one that this is common, it's not unusual, it's not abnormal, this happens all the time, and those who do end their relationships often do so at great personal expense while those who try to perservere most of the time end up better than when they started.

I realized a couple things, first of all the situation that my W was handed in which the A started, I myself handed to her. You take an emotionally immature and insecure OM (best friend or not) and a confused, lonely and somewhat emotionally immature WS, let them live together, what is the result? I mean I was stupid to allow it to happen, I was stupid to come back and allow what I saw that made me feel so inadequate to go on.

I made plenty of mistakes. My W did something that I can't say I wouldn't have done under the same circumstances, the only difference now is that my W and I are together, we are not involuntarily separated, she is not treating me like yesterday's lunch, and she is not threatening to leave.

If I were to go out and seek physical or emotional pleasure from another female it would not be situational based, it would be meditated, I would allow myself to be in that situation because I want it to happen. In the end I would be worse than my W as far as what I did because I would have planned for it to happen (I'm not saying Eric did, but I know myself and to be in that situation there would have to be motive, it doesn't just happen.)

So what I'm saying is, that while I can sit here all day and think of ways to get her back and concentrate on what she did to me (DING-DING-DING) I'm learning that I need to concentrate on what I'm doing to myself, what I'm doing to our relationship, and where I want to be. At the end of the day it's still with my W, EA or PA and all.

She hurt me tremendously and the thoughts that I have some times I really don't think that I should have to think about, the conversations that we have to have some times I really don't think that we should have ever had to have, but the truth is that we are here now as many on this site have told me and we have to move on together, I have to move on and improve myself.

I have to be in control. Using "hector" (yes I named him Hector) to go out and seek revenge is the single most hypocritical, irrational, and idiotic decision I could make. I only hurt so much because I love her so much and things that I love are genuine, she can't fake the way her eyes glisten in the sunlight, she can't fake the way her hair smells, she can't fake the completeness that she gives me, so despite all the lies, despite the A, despite all of the pain in the world, there's a reason I'm here and it's worth holding on to and trying to revive.

That's my dollar and two cents. Thanks.

It just makes things worse.

1) You will have Guilt
2) You will be using someone else to get back at your wife.
3) You be even emptier then before.

If you can not get what you need from your
marriage, end it. Don't envolve other people and
perhaps other marriages.

Do you really want a woman that would have an
affair with a married man in the first place?
If you did end up together in the future,
how could you trust each other.

If you want something else, leave.

I do know how you feel. It was the same
reaction I had when I found out about my
WS. I just calmed down and am trying to
see if there is anything left to save.

If not, then I will begin the process
of looking for someone after the divorce
is over.

Joe,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thoughts...am I normal or just allowing deception to creep into my mind and thoughts... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are very normal. In some ways you would like them to feel all of the emotions that you have. A revenge affair could be a way to do that but it can also cause your marriage to spiral in something that is irrepairable. And of course, you know that two wrongs don't make a right.

You may be hurt but you still have your morals and belief system in place. It is very hard to violate them and not destroy yourself. My H was a very moral man, he hated men who cheated, he had no respect for them and now he has transformed himself into something he hated and he has to live with that the rest of his life. Don't hurt yourself more. Don't devalue yourself.

It is a thought that haunts me. You see my WW is my only ever sexual partner, and until this A I was hers. She now has the knowledge of what it is to have sex with another person and I do not. For one thing the OM is a massively experienced lover with 3 marriages and many many partners behind him. His technique will be way beyond my own I am sure.

I am not sure if I can cope with that thought or if we can ever recover a sexual relationship. i feel physically sick everytime I think of it, which is often.

So would I commit adultery myself? I hope not.

Nope.
It's liking taking heroin after you find out your son is a drug addict. It's selfish, self-destructive and will not add to recovery in any way.

Hello all,
I'd like to respond to Bob, and perhaps to more of the BH here who are doubting themselves sexually after d-day.

OK I'm going to be a bit explicit here so please stop reading if you're easily offended. But the main issue here IS sex.

First of all - you need to get of the "comparing with OP" train asap. It's something instinctive, as well as the anger, but it's not going to help anyone.

I'm a woman. I'm a BS. I know about the "images haunting you" (I found a video of them, so go figure) but when I hear your stories I guess I had a small advantage that helped me overcome this images. I have had several relationships and my H only had been with only 1 other partner before we met.

This is what I know in the "What woman want" category:
- Size only matters if it really doesn't fit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .
- "Large" is no good if a "selfish creep" is attached to it.
- A man's looks are unimportant. A man that makes a woman feel beautiful will win her hart. However, the looks that you ARE responsible are your weight, your shape, your breath <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , your clothes, your personal hygiene! Very important, big turn-off if neglegted!
- Unexperienced partners can be wonderful lovers and "experienced" ones can be repeating the same thing over and over again - basically masturbating inside a woman. Don't you wonder why these men have to go from one partner to another all the time? If they're "that good"?
- It's not the person we have sex with that makes it "happen". It's not about acrobatics. It's our own fantasy surrounding the situation. If you fantasise about sex with a certain person and then it happens, it WILL be fantastic unless the other person is a real clutz. So dear BH or BW - start fantasising about your partner instead of having your own A. You'll be amazed at the effect.

Another suggestion to get the images out of your head. I wasn't able to make love to my H for 5-6 weeks after d-day because of that. Then I decide to "take it back". I reclaimed his body. I went "everywhere" so to speak - making new memories, erasing the old ones.
When the images want to come back I tell them to get lost now. I think I'm going to burn something symbolically to get rid of them for once and for all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for you, Bob Pure, stick to your name. It's a good one. You are still in shock. I was in shambles for 3 or 4 months. Relapse at 6 months. Then I learned a lot about myself and how to set my boundaries and now, at 8 months past d-day I'm doing much, much better.

You have your W there with you. Good. She'll have withdrawal and you'll be in shock, prepare yourselves, don't take things too personally. You are BOTH not yourselves right now. Your W will be suffering from tremendous guilt. Be there for her. She'll be eternally grateful if you do this for her in her time of need.

Brownhair what a wonderful, honest and useful post that is you have given me. {{{brownhair }}}

I am not sure it helps me right now because I am a mess but I will return to your advice when I am able to believe it.

I still know that this PA my WW has had with this serial womaniser has been the best sex she's had in years - I had not been able to rouse my W to previous passions for a while before the A.

I am not sure I can make love to her again knowing I won't match the excitement of her PA.

Also my W is in my bed but she deliberately does not respond even to my cuddles right now. She is still in the pain of withdrawal poor baby, and I am sure my touch is no substitute for the OM right now. Its so hard not to be wanted by the woman I love and who has loved me so hard in the recent past.

PS regarding weight - i HAD put a few pounds on over teh past couple of years, but guess what? I've found a highly effective diet in the last two weeks...20lbs shed in 10 days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good God, almost another joke. It must be a manic phase <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It's normal and it is one of the most dangerous times to be a BS and still maintain your side of the vows. But you don't want to do it ... look at how much pain you are in... do you really want to give that to another person, even if that person has brought you to this pain?

Plus being a WS also does a number to your self esteem, worth, value, it challenges all you think you are and hold dear, and makes you less -- it's a madness that you don't want to enter.

Besides to wrongs don't make a right.

way2

Dear Bob (sorry to threadjack JoeCM, I hope this is useful for you too),

I had a few talks with OW. She sounds a bit like your W. Actually when she came out of the fog after a few months (so hold your breath..) she couldn't understand how excited the whole thing had made her. Now that she wasn't having anymore romantic feelings for my H anymore, she was actually scared that she could have been so sucked in by the sexual thing. It was like a drug. Afterwards she felt used by my H.. Felt like she had been "just a thing" because it had been just sex. Even though they had agreed upon this, that it would just to have sex. Funny how it can turn around.

I told her - I have read this somewhere and I really do believe this - it's the fear that makes the adrenaline flow.. fear because you know you're doing something wrong. Add to that the fact that many WS fight the physical attraction for some time before they give in to it. That's like a foreplay that lasts for months. Well.. of course that gives fireworks. Unless OP is a real clutz <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I had to make myself look at the A in this way to sort out the mess in my head. To stop comparing myself to OW. I was overweight (but lost 26 pounds since d-day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) and she's almost thin. I was turned off by sex after two miscarriages, bad surgery that made sex painful and a depression because of the loss etc etc. OW came like a 100 times every time they were together. OW said she'd agree to threesomes.. going to sex clubs.. Now how could I compete with this sexual avalanche?

Well.. I didn't have to. My H just needed to be convinced I wasn't having sex with thim just to please him. He loves me. He wants to spend his life with me. He realises he has been a total selfish jerk to do things that would hurt me so much and it's eating away at him sometimes.

Bob you'll need patience. Find ways to keep yourself occupied. Do physical stuff to get the frustration out of your body. And keep posting here!

I feel the same way about getting revenge and finding someone to fill the void I have right now. I just want to feel someone's arms around me and someon to WANT me. I don't know honestly if I could ever follow through with that but I sure feel like it sometimes. I just want to be wanted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

brownhair you are such a star. It seems the best and most worthy people are victimised by WS.

Your comments are highly rational and I not ethem well, thanks, though I cannot today see how my WW will ever come our of the fog she is in despite the affair both EA and PA being a month in total.

I have no choice but to front up and be the husband she doesn't know she needs right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich:
<strong> I feel the same way about getting revenge and finding someone to fill the void I have right now. I just want to feel someone's arms around me and someon to WANT me. I don't know honestly if I could ever follow through with that but I sure feel like it sometimes. I just want to be wanted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear TreeReich,
don't you think this is EXACTLY how our WS felt when they started the A?
Except for the revenge part?
Except for the fact that they did NOT know the pain they would inflict and we DO?
So don't go there. Not even in your mind. This is "Satan whispering in your ear"!!
Since you are registered since March 2000 then can I presume your spouse had an affair 4 years ago? And that things still haven't worked out for you? Did you look into the EN section and did you work on this with your partner?

If you still feel this way after 4 years.. then something is wrong!
But please correct me if I'm the one who is wrong here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 02:22 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>