Hello,

I discovered this website this evening and have spent several hours going through the material. It's excellent stuff and I wish I would have discovered it a long time ago.

I'll try not to drone on about everything that has led up to this point, as I'm sure it's familiar to most of you.

Basically I'm a man who's been married for 13 years. I have 2 kids aged 6 and 7.

Our marraige has been one that most people would be envious of, and I figured that nothing was wrong with it. Turned out that things were deteriorating for my W since shortly after the birth of our 2nd child.

I see that what occured was fairly typical. I was focused on things that distracted from filling the emotional needs of my wife, completely missed her reaching out to me, and in the last couple of weeks I discover that she is meeting men online for more than just friendly chat.

After confronting her about many inconsistancies and lies, she finally agreed to cease contact with all but one of the men. He lives several states away, and since she works nights (as well as the guy) I know that they are still in frequent contact. He is actively trying to draw her away from me, and I even sent him a long e-mail asking him to stop contacting her so we can try to work things out.

My wife's position is that it took me five years to wake up and see where my priorities were, so she should be entitled to having as much time as she needs to decide where she wants to be.

I know there is still part of her that doesn't want our relationship to end, but at the same time, she's afraid to trust me that things will get better.

We're starting counciling on Tuesday, but I know she will be very resistant to breaking off contact with this guy, and is planning to fly down to meet him in person in a month or two. So she can find herself and see if the "grass is greener" so to speak.

needless to say I have a problem with this. But how do I address the situation? in her mind it all comes down to an issue of fair play, and that if ultimatly if she were going to choose to stay with me, it would be with the full knowledge of the life that "could have been" rather that returning to me with a strong regret of never knowing if she made the right choice.

We tend to both be logical people, so on the surface she seems to have a point, but emotionally I'm having a very rough go of it.

Any input would be welcomed.
Thanks,
SkepticRob

Dear Rob,

you're right to be "skeptic".
Of course it's very important that you should meet each other's EN.
But her wanting to have a fling with this man.. hmm.. there's no way that can be justified. Then you should have to meet some women on the internet too, or what? Because maybe you also need to find out about ze greene grasse?
No really, that's no way to restore a M (marriage).

Please try talking to her and ask her if she wants to really work on your M. After all there's not just you two to consider, you have two little children who need the both of you in a healty M.
If you talk to her, do it respectfully. Have you read up on Love Busters and POJA here?

If she doesn't want to work on the M now, I think it would be best if you treat her relationship with this internet guy as an EA (emotional affair) and start plan A on her.

You cannot MAKE her work on the M. You cannot MAKE her love you. But you can do the things that you know will fill her emotional needs so she'll realise that you are still there for her, that you really want to change and make this M work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But her wanting to have a fling with this man.. hmm.. there's no way that can be justified. Then you should have to meet some women on the internet too, or what? Because maybe you also need to find out about ze greene grasse?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, she encouraged me to do that. I can't say if it was to justfy her behavior, and I can't say I wasn't initally intregued by the idea, but I realized very quickly that I wasn't interested in anyone else.

Update: I printed off a lot of info from the website, and she read about half of it this morning, so I know she found it interesting, and is at least somewhat open to it. and she's planning on reading the rest of it and taking the EN questionare (her suggestion)

I haven't delved into her opinion of what she's read so far, simply because I know it would seem pushy. She needs time to think about it, and when it's sunk in, I'm sure she'll be ready to talk.

It bothers me that even though everything is out in the open, I don't think she's discussed the affair with any of her friends. But she seems to be going through this alone, and I'm sure that makes it harder for her to cope with her own emotions.

Rob - Would your wife consider posting here? Please invite her. It is a great place to be, with lots of success stories.

Fill out the EN questionnaire, and get busy meeting each others needs.

Also it is suggested that you spend at least 15 hours a week doing pleasant things together.

Not to hijack this thread, but where can the EN questionnaire be found?? Thanks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Would your wife consider posting here? Please invite her. It is a great place to be, with lots of success stories.

Fill out the EN questionnaire, and get busy meeting each others needs.

Also it is suggested that you spend at least 15 hours a week doing pleasant things together.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if she would. Personally, I don't think she wants to hear any success stories yet.
We will do the EN Questionarre, though.

It's going to be difficlut to get in the time together as she works night shift 5 says per week (including weekends), and I work mon-fri during the day. (This also gives her plenty of time to spend on the phone with the OM.)

Opposite work schedules are very damaging to a marriage. I would look into changing that.

You're right. Interestingly, they've been off for the majority of our marriage.

Well do the EN questionnaire. It works very, very well.

A couple of months ago I was talking with a guy at work who is usually very happy. I asked him if everything was alright, as he looked very sad. He told me his wife was on the verge of leaving him.

Since he doesn't have a computer, I printed up two copies of the questionnaire and gave it to him. Last week he came up to me laughing and told me that he is doing lots of dishes now and helping with the kids. His wife is happy, and meeting his needs. Looks like they will make it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SkepticRob:
<strong> [QUOTE]Actually, she encouraged me to do that. I can't say if it was to justfy her behavior, and I can't say I wasn't initally intregued by the idea, but I realized very quickly that I wasn't interested in anyone else.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would be interesting to ask your W if this means she would want to go a swinger's bar, perhaps. Not to really do it but just to make clear what this is all about: not about friendship but about getting naked with other people <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . At least you could go there together ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Don't get me wrong - I'm not in favor of such places but some couples seem to be. After seeing the video of my H with OW I'm disgusted for life of the very idea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . So be careful what you do.. it IS a big deal.

But from your more recent posts I guess you did a much better thing by printing out stuff from MB etcetera. I guess she really needed you to show that you want to work on things. Maybe the EN questionnaire will help you both, and I would also consider buying "The Five Love Languages" (Gary Chapman) or checking out the website www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Hope you will both be posting!

Nah, I don't think I could do the couple thing. Just the thought of her with another man tears me up inside. I haven't had much sleep lately, and haven't been eating much. On the plus side, the lack of sleep helped me find this site, and I've lost 3 pounds in under a week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I so know what you mean <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I have lost 28 pounds since d-day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

perhaps there's a bestselling book there:

"Pain, Panic and Stress"
Achieve your Weight Loss Goals
Through the Simple System of Infidelity.

Easy low to no calorie diet with only one excersize... Pacing 30 miles per day.
So simple to do you won't even be aware of your progress until your pants start dropping down more than your spouses!


I can't believe I just wrote that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

SP

I'm not going to give you any advice because it would be against MB concepts. However,
your post reminded me of a story I read not long ago on one of these sites not sure if it was MB or not...anyway very similar situation.

Wife basically wanted to swing, H like you first bit intrigued but after a few days said no way it would just destroy us lets try to do something about us.
W went ahead anyway & I think the H might of as well. She flew out to where ever her 'om' was, had a fling for some time.

She was on the site so remorseful but her H & kids had moved out & wouldn't talk to her...just seemed like such a wasteful thing to do.
If I remember the correct address I'l send it to you by private message & maybe you could talk to or better yet get your W to talk to this woman over the net. Maybe talking to someone who has been there will help her decide against her plan.

Because your wifes plan has got DIVORCE stamped all over it!!!

<small>[ September 04, 2004, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: aussie2 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she... is planning to fly down to meet him in person in a month or two. So she can find herself and see if the "grass is greener" so to speak...We tend to both be logical people, so on the surface she seems to have a point </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The time to see if the "grass is greener" was BEFORE you were married. MARRIED people don't have that option. If she wants to stay married, she needs to seriously re-think her "plan". It's likely that her plan may kill all the love you have for her. Does she see THIS logic?

Good luck, Rob. I hope you can get through to her. Has she agreed to any kind of counselling?

Natalie

We are staring counciling on tuesday. The last couple of days together have been pretty good though. One good thing is that I caught on early. she's only known the OP for a couple weeks. Seems like a smooth talker though.

To a certain degree it's probably fo the best that it happened. I think we both needed a wake up call to the problems and issues that we had, and the way I was pre-A, it probably needed something like that to open my eyes.

I was making my whole family miserable because I thought I was. Turns out that I had forgotten where my priorities laid. It was a squeaky wheel gets the grease sort of thing. I figured that if the relationsip seemed good (or at least stable) on the surface, then I didn't need to worry about it. So I focused all my energies to my career, trying to be the kind of provider I thought I should be. Putting off my families needs until I got one more project done, or after the next meeting, etc.

I thought I was doing everything for them. But what they really needed was me in thier lives, putting them first.

I think deep down I knew that. But I was so tied to being the All-American, "Leave-it-to-Beaver", perfect father, I stopped being a good husband and father.

For those men with WW's that may be reading this, I know my story is familiar to many of you, I've read several posts that mirror it.
and if you are going through a similar situation, let me go through some things I've discovered that have made things somewhat better and give me hope:

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know my wife fell in love with me once, it's a matter of showing her that I am the same person that she fell in love with the first time, and I'll never make the same mistake again.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She can already see the changes I've been making (for Ex. I've been treating my kids with more respect and kindness, and haven't felt the need to raise my voice to them in days, where before it was happening several times per day)</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We've started really communicating, being up-front with each other about everything</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm a known value. She knows everything about me, from my personality to my own personal and somewhat disgusting male habits (and no, I am NOT providing a list) and she is OK with them, as opposed to the OP whom she knows little about, and could be anything from a total jerk who can put on a good show to a psychopath.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We agree more than we disagree on things.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She knows I'm a good guy, and those are hard to come by, which she can see by looking at the relationships of her friends. Why start over?</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's spent so many years breaking me in. Women put a lot of work into relationships, turning guys from a near-neanderthal state into a real man that can brush his own hair and is capable of doing laundry without ruining anything. That's a lot of time invested to just throw away. (although I still cant vaccum the way she likes it.)</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I've joked with her that this whole situation is like an election, where I'm the Incumbant and the OM is the challenger. There are a lot of similarities, and I was thinking of mailing her some campaign literature, or start putting signs up in yards.

Sounds very promising. Now make those changes, and keep them up. We women notice, and are pleased. She may not show it right now, but will be thinking very hard.

I have been making those changes, and I feel more like the kind of person I've been wanting to be. I never wanted to be the type of person I had become.

I can see that she's taken notice of the changes, but she's still skeptical and reserved. It's difficult to tell if she wants me to jump in and just be who I am, or if she wants me to ease into it until she's comfortable and ready.

For now, I'm easing in. I think too much too fast would be potentially more damaging. But I can tell that she's taking notice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Rob
My H had an online A and this is so painful.If you know of her plans to meet this guy stop her before she goes.I had suspisions but because I trusted my H I never followed thru and sure enough he flew to her state and that is when the PA happened.

His A has changed my life,I am no longer the person I use to be,his affair killed that person.We are no seperated something I never thought would happen to me.

Your W is very lucky that you are willing to make the changes to help your M work out.My H alwys said he would try harder but never did.He went back to being the same person he was before the A.

I do hope she opens her eyes before it is to late.Keep showing her that she is important and doing the things you are even tho I know how hard it is when they are doing very little for you in return.

Best of luck.