I am one who just found out my H was having an A for the past 6 months. He has chosen to say good bye to her and work things our with us but we have been there two other times each time he says he is going to be honest and he wants to make it work but then he changes his mind or dumps some new thing on me that he said he was honest about but wasn't.

This time he broke things off with her and has claimed not to have talked to her in the past two weeks. It has been an unbeleiveable emotional roller coaster. He told me all the details of the A I asked alot of questions. And I want to move forward.

I want our relationship to work however I feel like he is still not in this with me. He was very honest in saying that while he said he was in this for the long haul he could only say that with his mind and not his heart as he was in love with her and missed her greatly. They had the best sex ever and she was his best friend. At thsi point he cannot seem to remember where we once were. I have read many of the books noted in this web site and while they all say there is a period of withdrawl no one says when you know that that time is over and you can begin to work on your relationship. And what do you do in the mean time.

I am not one to just sit and wait. My fear is that if things don't change we will wake up months from now no farther ahead.

Will he ever let go? How will he quit thinking of her all the time? Or will he? Is ther any hope?

I have acknowledge where I have failed in this marriage and where I know I let things get to where they are he too has his share of things that did not help. He never told me he was unhappy, that his needs were not being met I kept asking and each time I asked if things were Ok he said yes when in fact they were not.

I do not know what to do. We cannot spend every minute of every day dealing with problems I need to find a way to move forward. I wish I hated him it would be much easier but I still love him and because of that I for the sake of our marriage can forgive but will take time and a greater relationship between us before I can begin to forget.

My hope is that someone out there has been where I am and can help me understand what I can do and if he will ever let go and give us the chance he claims we deserve.

My greatest appreciation for any help.

A read your story the way that your H (husband) has betrayed you several times before, and that he does not now show deep remorse.

In this I see many red flags waving. Read all you can on this site. In addition to the forums there is quite a lot general stuff about surviving A's (affairs). I would read all I could come over, particularly about serial cheaters. If he is a serial cheater the likelihood of a future healthy M (marriage) is lower then in most other cases of infidelity. I am sorry to say so!

There are several good books to read. "Thorn asunder" are held highly by many. If you two read it together it may open the eyes of the WS (wayward spouse) to what he has done. In this site you can buy "Surviving an affair", by Harley. It is a good book. "Love must be tough" or something like that is also a book recommended by many. I don' know the author.

I think you should study all you can get on the serial cheater. Study their likelihood of change, and so on. The serial cheater considers himself to be a 007 James Bond, with a license to lay down women. When discovered he will act remorseful in the hope of improving the "weather" at home, but there is no real change. He still believes in the license. Take care!

LL,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am bumping you up hoping someone will come along to give you some advice.

It seems like he is the one that is keeping you two from moving forward. It sounds like he is still in the withdrawel stage. There are lots of good books but I think the best book for someone who just isn't remourseful is the ebook - there is a link in my signature.

I know you can hang in there for a while, I know that it was so hard for me for the first year. It was hard, mainly, because my H just didn't take responsibility for anything - everything was my fault or either it was something that he jus "couldn't help." When he finally woke up - boy, he could have kicked himself in the rear over and over.

It is also not unusual to find out more and more in steps - so when you find out something new, try not to freak out. accept that he did what he did, and then the other things will not hurt you so bad. If you can seperate what he did from what you did, too - it will make it much easier. No matter what you did, his having an affair was wrong. FOrgivable. But wrong, still.

Lucy

Here are some things which happened to me that appear to be typical about the WS during Withdrawal heading towards Recovery.

* Peculiar and wavering state of mind. Attribute this to their own desire to continue the A, in spite of knowing its wrong, and, also the realization that huge amounts of damage have been done and they have NO IDEA how to deal with it.

* Deep, DEEP down inside their hearts, they are experiencing two diametricly (SP?) opposed feelings of grief. One for the marriage they damaged, the other for the OP. Again, they don't know how to process both feelings at the same time.

* Emotional detachment. Knowing the pain they have caused, they are much more inclined to hide from the pain, rather than face it straight up. This allows them to keep the fantasy alive.

* Argumentative and combative. WS's can be an endless fountain of LB's and disrespectful remarks designed solely to make the BS angry and respond with a vengence. This allows them to stay emotionally detached, and shift the BLAME for the affair having taken place to the BS.

* Sullen, quiet, withdrawn. All this a result of a combination of the above items. Look how much of an emotional drain it is to be the BS. The WS has an equal amount of emotional drama to deal with, it's just way different than what we, as the BS are going through.

* Complaints of being smothered. Of course. BS's are in Plan A, doing all the right things, and at the same time seeking answers, remorse, groveling (LOL), revenge, love, EN's, and some sense of the WS explaining the affair and returning to the marriage. And this is what the BS's expect in the first HOUR after DDay! Way too many emotions are in play, and both parties have needs that cannot be properly met by the other for several weeks, until the fervor of emotions wains, and people are thinking with clearer minds. All of these things take time, and effort. Words to a foggy WS are like throwing cotton balls at a crocodile.

* WS's are all about them. It's me, me, me for the longest time. It's still all about the selfish mode they assumed to allow the A to happen and continue. Plan A, sort of keeps that in place. That's where care and caution need to come into play, so that as the fog lifts for a moment, a BS may have to employ "tough love", without LB's and DJ's. Timing and delivery are everything during this stage.

* Continued contact. Most of the posts I've seen here refer to more than one broken promise of NC before it truly takes place. Setbacks are common. My WW had 4 breeches in 5 months before I believed this last "promise" might be the real deal. You all know how your situation is unique and problematic in this regard!

* Lack of interest in learning how to recover. They are in such a state of denial, among other things, that they "don't need to recover". I finally "coerced" WW to read SAA aloud with me, but it was just a courtesy to me that she did it. It meant nothing to her, because at the time, she was still living the fantasy.

All these things seem to be pretty typical. I'm sure other posters can add more. Time, time, time, is the final answer, but the time spent needs to be filled with carefully executed Plan A, (lifetime version). Mix in some boundry setting, so the WS has some consequences for errors in His/Her ways, and hang on for the ride. Make most of the times that you have together pleasant for both of you, and choose NOT to talk about the A, recovery, OP. Those talks should be semi-occasional, and not drawn out to become confrontational. If they get confrontational, call a time out, and set a time to talk later, when tempers are in check.

I don't know if any of these things might explain some of what you are going through, but I bet it might. You need to grow an emotional "coat of armor" for this withdrawal. Remember, you were at one time the love of his/her life. The swampy FOG creature speaking to you now is NOT that person. Don't let their words penetrate your armor. Disattach from their hurtful words. They mean NOTHING. It's not your spouse speaking. Continue Plan A with a vengence, as it's the fan that will slowly blow the fog away.

I hope this may help you on the new rollercoaster ride, called Recovery.

Best Wishes
SD

A thank you to each of you who have shared your advise. Havingneer thought I would be where I am and being one who does not ask for help I appreciate your suggestions greatly.

It has been a couple of weeks since I posted my note and have been continuing my constant roller coster ride. From one lie to promising never to lie again only to find the latest phone bill with more evidence that he has attempted to contact her again and again. He claims he did not talk to here or leave a message but he wanted to know how she was doing.


He won't let go and I am not sure how to deal with the lies (I am not doing a good job of it!) I finished the book His needs Her needs and at the end was taken back by the comments that while a loving and more fulfilling relationship can be built the spouse will not lose that love for the lover.. how do people go on knowing that their spouse is in love with someone else yet making a go at it with you? It feels like the affair will never end.


Last evening I told him that he needed to be done with here forever if we were going to make a go at it. I got the usual I am trying.... Anyone know when they finally get out of the withdrawl and get into the relationship.

I find it interesting in the books that you are to meet each others needs but I find it very difficult to do that when he doesn't care what mine are and he won't let me meet his!

Stuck today but holding on!

Thanks again to everyone!