Hello all,

I have been reading a number of posts here for the past month and trying to gain some perspective. Here is my own sad story… I suspected my wife of less than 2 years was having an EA on the internet with her high school boyfriend. She initially contacted him in early September and I noticed an escalation of their friendship right away. I told her I was uncomfortable with this. She claimed that he was only a friend and she wanted to make connections with her former high school classmates. I had a bad feeling, but reluctantly agreed as long as she was completely open and honest with me…

Fast forward to the end of October. She received a book, saying, “I only asked to borrow it from him… I don’t know why he bought it for me,” and 20 copies of his CDs that he made for her. I knew that something more was happening, but each guarded confrontation ended by her saying, “If you want me to stop and not have any friends, then I will.” I said, of course you can have friends. She pointed out that her friends were friends with their exes while in other relationships. So, I bottled it all back up and prayed for the best.

She also withheld physical contact at this point. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “There is something wrong with me. I don’t know what I want any more. I need to talk to someone about it.” I asked her if she would like to speak with the priest that married us and took us through pre-marriage counseling. She declined. As I have always been concerned about actions that might drive her away, I relented…

Until I discovered an online posting that she made a week later. She indicated that she had a crush on him, that she would like to kiss him and would rather not mention her fondest memories. I was crushed. I went and spoke with our priest and told him of my concerns. I thought maybe I was over-reacting. He said that this was a crisis and that it was something that we needed to get help with. Unfortunately, we have been living on a zero-gain budget with no spare money. He said it was out of his league, but he would try and help if we would like.

I spoke with her that evening, telling her how I felt and that I had spoken with Father M. She said that she was sorry, she knew it was upsetting to me, and she would not talk with him again. I installed a keystroke logger on my computer, just to be sure that nothing untoward was happening. She also told me that she loved me, but was not sure if she was in love with me any more. This hurt. I decided to seek out free help and see what I could find. Luckily, this was one of the first sites I found and has been a treasure trove of information for me.

Assuming that things were finally on the mend, I began following Dr. Harley’s advice about marriage busters. I did much soul searching and discovered that I was guilty of many infractions and needed to work on myself to make sure that this was our low point. Between the first week in November and 18th, things did, indeed begin to get better. She was happier, we were more intimate, and things looked good. She had been sending me provocative photos of herself and the spark seemed to have reignited. I asked her very tactfully if these photos were only for me.

Unfortunately, I found out the morning of the 21st of November that she had, in fact, sent a group of these images to her ex-bf, along with a sexual conversation IM. As I didn’t initially think of this situation as an affair, I had avoided the affair information on this site. So I broke down completely. When she woke up, I confronted her about the photos. She said “What are you talking about?” I said, “Stop lying to me.” And she stood, shocked, and said, “I’m sorry.” We talked for 6 hours before I finally decided that I had to get out of the apartment. I knew enough to know that I didn’t need to be angry or yell at her, so that she wouldn’t think that I was the bad guy. I told her that I needed to go talk with my best friend (a guy) who lived a couple of hours away so that I could figure out what to do. I sent an email to OM and told him I knew what was going on and asked him to stop (he was just divorced). Though I probably shouldn’t have gone, I needed to get out and get some perspective from someone that I absolutely trusted. I did contact her throughout the rest of the day, and each time, she broke down crying and apologizing. I could tell by her reaction that she really wants to make this work and so do I.

The past two weeks have been difficult. I know what she is going through- I am an ex-smoker and know what withdrawal feels like. But at the same time, I feel like I am going crazy. I try really hard not to use marriage busters, but sometimes I have a hard time when she is being hard on me or disrespectful. I listen, am understanding, rub her back, and try and talk with her, but she seems to act the same. She wants no physical contact with me (again). I write my feelings out in “love letters” (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) so that the “filter” (me) doesn’t cloud the message, but she doesn’t open up to me. I know it will take time, but this is so hard. I know that, so far, she hasn't made contact with him. She tells me everything she is doing during the day. But still, the taker says “don’t do anything else until she starts giving back,” but I know this is wrong. I also selfishly feel like I am the one that has to do all the changing and all she feels like she needs is to not cheat.

Still no counseling though, and we really, really do not have the money for it, and she is not willing to talk to anyone about this.

I know it will be difficult, but I am willing to do what I can to save this marriage. I am reading Dr. Harley each day and trying to keep things in perspective. I am also taking St. John's Wort to help with the mood swings (it helps).

I know that she is working too, but right now I feel selfish and want some return... Stupid Taker <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Sorry such a long post, but I needed to vent and get some impartial outside perspective and most people here seem to be reasonable and understanding. Thanks for being here and thanks to Dr. Harley for creating this site and providing help to all of us.

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: hurtinfla ]</small>

*************EDIT*************

My wife and I are both 27. They were together when she was 17. We dated for 2 years before marriage. She hasn’t seen OM since 1998. But she did tell me that she loves him and will always have feelings for him and memories of him. I don’t know if this is still the fog, so I explain to WW that I understand that these things take time, but that I want to make sure that she wants to be with me and only me, because I can’t share. She promises me that she wants to be with me and wants to work through this. So I have that going for me.

I was raised a very conservative Christian and waited to have sex until I was with the one I wanted to marry (True love waits, but I waited for love rather than marriage). I have since become very liberal in my views, but still view sex as something that should only with strong commitment. So, the only person I have been intimate with has been my wife. She has been intimate with others since she was 16. We had many conversations about this pre-marriage. In fact, she knows that it is one of my major insecurities (though I do have many). I think that’s one of the reasons this hurts me so much. I always was afraid that she was comparing me to her previous lovers and, in fact, it seems like she decided that one of them was better.

That said, I have become aware of the many LBs that I was committing and have decided to be a better person. My problem is I am very analytical and hard on myself, and I take blame when things go wrong. That is one thing that I am learning though- I may have been aloof at times and boring to my wife, but I did not do this all on my own. As long as I have lived, my mantra has been “It’s all my fault.” The past two weeks have been an exercise in admitting that it is not all my fault. It takes two to break a marriage. I am working hard to try and get through the feelings of betrayal, broken trust and emotional pain. I do love her very much and, honestly feel like I would heal quickly once she decides to commit fully to me.

But I still have trouble with the LBs when she says things like, “I don’t want to hear what some stupid website says about this situation. It can’t tell me how to feel.” It makes me feel like I am the only one making positive changes for the relationship right now and the only thing she is changing is she is not actively cheating on me… which is a stupid selfish thought… Stupid conflicting emotions.

It’s nice to hear words of encouragement though. Thanks Curly.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

After being married for so many years, one thing I understood: Either "is there" or "is not".

From your e-mail I conclude that in your case there "is not". Everything is achieved through strugle, or rather say it does not come naturally.

So before the kids will come around and more resentiment will be build around your relationship
for the sake of both parties: GET OUT while you can.

I am sure that for each one of you must be someone out there, and if not, then you learned about it in the hard way.

Good luck and lots of currage.

Did your wife say why she had the affair? What emotional needs was the OM meeting that you weren't in her own words? (Think about this -- you don't have to post it.)

I'm not an expert, but from what you have written, it sounds like your wife has a very serious character flaw. Sending the same pictures to both your and the OM leads me to believe she is sorry she got caught and not sorry for what she did to you. That is almost like flaunting the affair in front of you without your knowledge. That is beyond a simple affair -- which is wrong in its own right.

I'm not suggesting any course of action other than a complete evaluation of the person you are with. She sounds like a complete opposite to your Christian values, but I could be wrong.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Be sure to read all about the emotional needs on the home page. Try to start meeting each other's needs. If you start meeting hers, hopefully she will start meeting yours.

You should also be spending at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together. That is very important.

Stick with us and we will help you through this.

Good luck....this is a awful hard time....we have similar stories....my husband has been having an affair with his ex girlfriend(who he had sex with before me)...i waited till i was married to have sex so he is the only one...but we have only been married a year and he says that he will always love her and desire her....anyways...the only difference is that he doesn't want to change...he is only sorry cause he got caught....i had to resort to plan b cause plan a wasn't working at all...i left him yesterday....it is hard but i know there is an end sometime....i don't know how it is going to end....that is the stinky part....but i do have strong christian beliefs too....and that is the only place that i am finding some peace....i know that the Savior is the only one who has felt all the pain that I have and can help me heal...good luck in your persuit....keep typing here and talking with people who have gone through or are going through the same stuff...it helps a little to know that you aren't crazy for feeling the way you do

Thanks for all of the support. We have had many discussions. Quietguy, I asked her how she could send to both of us, and she said she didn't really think about it. He was far away and I was here. It's the same way WS can do what they do without fully comprehending what BS feels like. Lack of empathy. As for our values, well, I am a very liberal Christian and she is very liberal as well, grew up in the Epsicopalian church but is very unhappy with the amount of self-righteousness among many believers today.

Believer and myrtlerose, thanks for your words of encouragement. WW and I have been talking about this quite a bit, though we made it a point to get through Thanksgiving weekend without bringing it up- not an easy task, but one that seemed to reap large benefits. She knows she hurt me and said that she "would be stupid to lose a prince like me." Since I'm neither rich nor famous, nor do I think I'm particularly good looking, I do take her at her word. She also has said that she is sorry that she caused all this pain, and that she is sorry that I have to deal with her unhappiness during withdrawal as well. We both know our problem-it came out during pre-marriage counseling. We are both stubborn communicators.

Though micutz has negative thoughts about this situation, I do believe that we can work through this. We used to adore one another. I still adore her, even though there is pain. No one is perfect, and I know what I have to do. If things don't work out, I will at least know I laid it all on the line and will be able to live without what-ifs.

Thanks everyone and please, keep it comin' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So has she stopped all contact with the OM and has the A been exposed?

She has stopped all contact with OM. I sent him an email letting him know I knew what was going on and imploring him (as he went through a divorce just before they started talking) to stop interfering and let us try to work this out. He lives 1000 miles away, and is newly single, so he's looking for anything he can get right now, and I understand that.

She also sent him a NC letter. She has avoided IM (the source of her contact with him) and tells me everything she does online during the day. I also have been doing some periodic check-ups and detective work of my own and everything since D-day 2.5 weeks ago has been on the up and up.

We have had long talks, and I have learned that it was my depression and emotional absence from the marriage that drove her to look for someone to talk with. She said she had absolutely no intentions of doing this. She has been on my side of this situation in previous relationships and is struggling to figure out how she could be so cruel- she knows the pain I am going through and yet couldn't help herself because for 2 months OM made her feel appreciated and listened to everything she said and her feelings grew for him. It is absolutely amazing how right Dr. Harley is in his descriptions of the feelings and emotions that each of us is going through and why these things happen. It's really a great tool to have this knowledge available.

That said, she really, really wants to make this work. I have very gently asked her if she does, in fact, truly want to be with me or if she's staying because she doesn't want to be alone. She argues that she loves me and would be a fool to lose me, but she is trying to figure out why she did what she did so that she won't do it again. I truly believe that things will get better and that, as long as I learn how to be a better husband and stop committing so many LBs, and as long as we both work on keeping each other love banks full, things will be better than they were before.

Have you gotten any help for your depression?

As I said in a previous post, I am taking St. John's Wort and have noticed a huge difference in my mood. I honestly feel better now than I did before my wife's EA even began. It's strange, because this does hurt terribly at times, but I still have never felt as low as I did before the EA began. So, I know it is something that I need to pay attention to and I know that it's not normal to brood all the time.

I also have noticed that I am much more willing to do things for other people when I am not swallowed by the self-loathing. I like the way I feel now, aside from the excruciating pain that comes when thinking about the EA, but otherwise I feel like I can take on anything that comes my way. And that is such an empowering feeling. I never knew... if nothing else good comes of this, I now know that I do have the capacity to handle severe stress and I have the support of my friends and loved ones to rely on in times of need. I am not alone.

Keep hanging in there. I was the WW 15 months ago and confessed it to my H 3 months ago. He too confronted me then but I denied it-I was in such a fog and looking back it was like it wasn't even me.

The hardest part for me right now is trying to figure out how I could do such a thing and risk losing him and my family. How did I become that person? But I know I can't let that define me and I have the ability to be who I want to be.

I'd encourage you even though it's hard to still try and meet her needs. Listen to her, take the time to hug her or just hold her and be close to her. She is still in the process of clearing her mind and she'll realize how ugly it was what she has done. Keep talking to friends, your priest, post here and try your best to not react to her but respond.

My husband could have just as easily thrown the towel in on me-my A was with my best friends H. I truly loved my friend but became so blinded-I miss her and lost a dear friend. My H is determined to work through this and I know he's going to stick with it as long as I'm here-which will be for a lifetime. Don't run from her...wait patiently, take the time to heal, try to relax and take care of yourself also.

She'll see your love for her!

I have been there for her and am not planning on going anywhere any time soon. I see her making a concerted effort and as long as I am not betrayed again, I have no qualms. I have been making a point to ask her if there is anything she needs or anything I can do for her to make the withdrawal any easier. She says she knows she did wrong and she apologizes profusely for hurting me. She said when she got caught, she thought, "I'm scr#wed," because she thought I would be gone. She also tells me that I don't deserve to be treated like this and she doesn't deserve to be with me.

I am making a very concerted effort to avoid the LBs and short circuit the angry outbursts when they come, and the urge does come. It's one of the things that drove her away, and now, at a very tough time, I have to change my reactions. But I can do it and want to do it. If I have to, I do vent through writing or sometimes on the way home from work in my car, but make it a point to greet her with a smile, a hug and a kiss, and I tell her that I love and appreciate her. She seems to be making good progress, but we all know that only time will tell.

So, momtothree, like your husband, I am not willing to throw in the towel. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. True love can forgive all. Thanks for your wonderful words of encouragement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Be careful on the St. John's as I recently read that is works for a while then your body becomes immuned to the anti depressant that it releases. Also the FDA is currently studying the herb to see if it works at all. So far it isn't looking great.

Just a warning in case you feel yourself going backwards, you might want to consult a physician about taking a prescription AD.

HINY

Today is a bit difficult. I sometimes get suspicious, but have been checking and asking WW about her activities. When I get suspicious, I want to ask her and, so far, she has proven to me that she is being trustworthy. But each time I ask, I worry because she is afraid that I will never be able to trust her again and it seems that this constant following up on her is reinforcing that belief. Any suggestions about how to do this in the least destructive manner possible to both of us.

I know it is hard on her to not only deal with the loss of OM, but also to deal with a suspicious FH. I feel like I'm dealing with a teenager at times, with the eye rolls and the heavy sighs... It would be funny if it weren't so painful. I'm trying to be understanding and broach each topic gingerly, but it's tough to keep trying when it seems like I'm always the bad guy.

It has been nearly four weeks since D-day and so far things have been progressing slowly but surely. My wife has been completely open and honest with me about everything, including letting me know when she goes online, who she emails, and what she has been doing. She also knows and allows me to access to her email accounts and accepts that transparency is a necessity.

This morning, however, I discovered that OM tried to contact her via email yesterday. I know that she had nothing to do with this, and do not blame her for this attempt. This is the first attempt he has made since D-day. She didn’t access her email account and knew nothing of this until I told her (I was not too happy when I found this and couldn't get by without telling her why I was gloomy). She hadn't seen the contact attempt, and I haven't had a chance to see the actual message as the server went down. I do, however, feel very angry at OM and am glad he lives 1000 miles away. I would like 5 minutes alone in a room with him to “explain” my feelings. I know this is not necessarily healthy, but it sure does seem like it would feel good.

I asked my wife gently if she knew anything about this, and she said no. I completely believe her in this. My beef is with OM. I know WW is still going through withdrawals (though she told me last week that she loves me very much and wants only to be with me, and if I will let her, she will do everything she can to earn the understanding and love I have been showing her) and I would rather not have these inconsiderate intrusions on his part in the name of “innocent friendship” slowing our progress. Things have been going well and I don't want to lose momentum because of a selfish jerk. We already sent an NC letter. Is there anything else I could/should do?

Hello,

If the OM is married then please contact his wife.
She needs to be informed. Otherwise there are no consequences to his actions and no motivation for him to stop. Good luck.