whatr do I do about the journals, the pictures, the computer documents. I know she still has them. Do I risk a fight? Pushing her away?

Goodevening, onmybday.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get the shakes, can't eat, can't sleep, can't think, can't breathe, cry randomly. Then the next minute I am fine and then it starts over again. My best friend is an MD. I will be talking to him tonight. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let us know what he says. Many people choose meds. My family doctor talked to me, examined me, and said no. You do what you gotta do to take care of yourself. Listen, onmybday. Your health is the most important asset to you right now. Sleep, eating, prayer (or meditation) will all keep you strong. You need your strength right now, friend.

It will take you awhile to hear this .... you did not cause your wife's affair. Don't be embarrassed. It was her choice. We betrayed spouses may not have contributed our best to the M .... but the choice to have an affair belongs to the wayward spouse. As does the responsibility to change the behavior. We can create an atmosphere/climate that shows them exactly how good life can be ... how much we love and are committed to our marriages .... but ultimately we are all free will souls.

Don't feel like you have to hurry to tell anyone(your parents) what is going on. In the case of a wayward spouse continuing contact ... yes exposure is essential. But in the case of a wayward spouse ending the affair, I think it is a judgement call. I told my pastor, my family physician, and three very close friends. The people here at MB actually know more about my situation than anyone else on the planet (well besides that formerly wayward husband).

He just came over and asked me what I am doing. I told him I'm on marriagebuilders. He said, "We have built marriage ... thought I'd mention it." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

It gets better, onmy. I'm praying your wife is able to reconnect to the love she has for you.

Please get some sleep and get some nutrition in your body. I don't know if you are the praying type, but prayer or meditation feeds the soul.

forgot ... on the mementoes question ... I hope you get some other opinions here. I'd say too early to confront. But more wise, experienced souls here may offer different advice.

I was lucky in this respect. To my knowledge, my h trashed whatever links he had with OP ... without my even asking. I was too numb to ask. By the time it occurred to me ... it was already done.

She came back to our bed last night. Didn't cuddle. That's ok. Just happy she was there. She is still confused. I actually was able to eat lunch today. Very small, but something. Our 2nd MC has moved from Th to tonight. I'm glad. Her IC starts tomorrow. She is going to a different C for her IC. I think I wil start my IC w/ our MC. IDEAS/THOUGHTS?

In ref to the momentos question of mine. It really hurts that she wants some of those things in the house (journals, computer files, pics). I think she might be waiting to make sure she wants to stay.?? I don't want to confront and push her out. Maybe I should wait to bring up until she is 100% sure she will stay. I can be patient. It is more importsnt to me that she stay so we can work it through together.

Told my dad last night. He was very conforting and supportive. He's going to keep it from Mom until I'm ready. Probably later this week. We work at the same company and I want to keep work a safe place. She is very motherly and will have a hard time drawing the boundry. I need it right now. Work has been a good reprieve. I'm there now, but no-one here knows.

I talked to ny best friend last night (MD) he said I needed to eat and sleep and that if I couldn't call him. I slept more last night than the night before (which was more than night before...). Ate lunch. Breathing.

Glad to hear you are eating at least. I know I didn't eat anything for the first 4 days. Then it was my daughter's b-day and I HAD to eat something for appearances.
IMHO, the momentos things have to go. Although, it's different in my sitch, as my H knows he wants to work things out. I just told my H that I wanted every part of her OUT of our lives. It's hard, too, b/c my daughter liked her, and mentions her now and then.
One day at at time, that's how we have to deal with all this. So, keep breathing and keep being strong, even when you feel like your life is literally crumbling around you. I think IC counseling would be great. I wish that I could afford it myself. I hope that it will help you and that her IC will help her.

Hey! Checking in on you, onmy!

Glad to hear she moved back into bed with you! Great progress! That is huge!
Glad to hear you are eating something and getting some sleep! You need your strength to stay focused. Short term fix that worked for me …. I took Excedrin PM to help me sleep. It worked for me.
Glad to see you are able to set aside the immediacy side of your hurt to table the mementoes issue for now. That can come later.
Are you doing a Plan A right now?
Re: IC and MC. I think going to the same person for IC and MC has worked for us. That way she has the whole picture. But I think the most important piece is that the counselors HAVE TO BE PRO-MARRIAGE. It is amazing how many aren’t. I also wanted to make sure we saw someone who had experience and training with couples counseling. I’ve read some posts here that people sometimes had to go to 2 or 3 before they found someone they both were comfortable with and had a pro-marriage philosophy.

Let me know how you are doing, onmy.

Today is one week. I was good all day at work but tonight she has class like she did last week. Last class thank goodness. And I'm trying not to totally freak out. I need to pay bills tonight and I'm hoping that that will keep my mind off of things. She started her IC today and I asked how it was but that I didn't want her to tell me if she wanted to keep in private. It has come up in MC that she has needs in that area and I have been smothering her. I see that completely. w/o going into it, I have a serious fear of abandonment. Her role models are KAtherine Hepburne and Murphy Brown. You can see that she has a real independent streak. I Had some problems getting a job for a while that led to me trying to live thru her. She needed space and I was just needy. I was totally into her needs the first 5 yrs but when we moved and I lost my job I just stopped filling them. I know that that does not excuse her A's but I can see what led her to the point where she made bad decisions. Anyway, I so want to know what happened in her IC, but don't want to push her away. I plan on just being supportive and asking how things went. If she wants to give me details, she can.

My stomach is in knots. Got the shakes when I got home. At least I'm eating a little and sleeping 6+ hours a night. Just trying to make it through the week.

Took a couple days for my H to share some of what was discussed in his IC. On the other hand I told our IC/MC she can tell him anything she wants from my ICs. He has always had a higher need for privacy.

Listen, onmy. Don't blame yourself for your wife having As. It is good to look at how together you can make a stronger marriage. The his needs/her needs survey on this site or in Harley's book can be helpful to get to know what each needs in a M. My H wouldn't do it ... I had to ask questions in more general terms and apply it to the concepts.

He's been very committed (a rock) getting us where we are right now. But he just can't get into all these self-help type books or surveys. Just not his thing.

One day at a time, friend, one day at a time. Baby steps forward. It does get better. She's with you, she's willing to do counseling. Those are big. Keep reading. Plan A your butt off.

Have you read much about the "fog?" If not ... you should. Many wayward spouses are in a fog in the beginning. It will be helpful for you to know and understand it.

Sleep tight. May God shine a bright bright light at the end of the tunnel to guide you two on your way.

heart,

thank you.

ONMY
Just saying hello this morning.
Let me know how you are doing.

Had a very good day. I'm making a list of things I want in life. She asked me to do it for myself. I have tried so hard to give her what I thought she wanted I neglected myself. What she wanted was me to take care of myself. Well, I get well into the list when I relize one of the things on it I want to do w/ her is something she was planning to do w/#1 right in front of me. They never did it, but still. Ruined my otherwise good day.

Set up my first IC. 10 days from now. Wnated it next Mon but not available. We have MC on Tue and I am not available b/c of work the rest of the week. I'll be fine until then.

My trip to visit my best friend has to be cancelled. his wife and kids will be in town. I can't see the kids right now. They know me so well they'll know somethings up. I can't have them asking me about her or I'll break down. It's not the kids problem. They don't need to know.

Got the book SAA today. 3 chapters in. Should I ask her to read it? Hope so, I already did. They example A is what I'm dealing w/ Makes it hard to read. I'll keep on though.

Those damn triggers. One day at a time. Wish I could fast forward.

Good Morning! I am so glad yesterday was better! You are doing great.

It was a great idea to ask your wife to read SAA. I hope that she does. Doing the ENs together would be wonderful. Then you can start meeting each others. Another book you may be interested in picking up is Five Languages of Love. It talks about how we show love and feel loved. VERY worthwhile to read.

One day at a time, OMB. While it would be easier to fast forward it wouldn't be helpful. I'm afraid you'll need to work through this to really build a stronger marriage.

Have a great day today!

Something else just occurred to me. Build in casual fun time together. Time that doesn't deal with affair. I had such a hard time with this in the beginning. bc it was on my mind pretty much nonstop. But it is so important. My H and I needed to be reminded how much we really enjoyed each other to stay connected through the rough waters.

AM was ok, but the afternoon turned blah. She is going to her friends out of town to get some 'personal space' and to talk to her friend. I was going to go to my best friends, but it got cancelled. I now have the weekend all to myself in the house. I feel blah. To top it off I just got a letter telling me we're about to be sued. What a way to start the weekend. I hope to catch up on sleep this weekend. do some reading. On my way home we talked on the phone while she too was on the road and she said she talked to her dad. he suggested she talk to a family friend. one who has cheated on her husband w/ a MM and is now D. What a bullet. Thanks dad. How exactly is that supposed to help? I'm trying to fix things to make us stronger and his advice is to talk to someone who did that. I just don't get it.
Looking fwd to a blah weekend.

Just changed my signature. She hasn't not been in an A since 7/00. As soon as the 1st ended the 2nd began. Do I want this? We were trying to get pg in Spring 03 when she miscarried. Was it mine? b/c of other complications she was in hospital for a week. almost died. I was scared to death. I can't remember a time she was truthful. Do I want to fix this? Fix what? It's been broken as long as its been fixed. 2 weeks ago she was tlking about trying to get pg again. I don't know what to believe anymore. If anything. Don't trust her. Don't trust me. Why do I keep looking thru her things? for answers? If I hadn't gone looking tonight I wouldn't have known the timeline of the first one. I wish I didn't. Now what? Everything I look at in my own home is a lie. I have to try to get past this. Why do I still love her. Is that love dieng? Do I want it to? I don't want to have to start over. I don't want to continue. She is out of town right now w/ a friend. I'm alone for the weekend. I've been alone for 5 yrs. Is it really worth all this? I want to fix things, don't I? With everything she has done, might still be doing. How many lies can I survive?

onmy
gone all day. have about 10 minutes before my h will be in here chasing me off computer ... we're going to a movie tonight.

Listen .... everything you put in your post .... it is normal for now. Most of us exp the intense feeling of betrayal and struggle with the lies. I'm still struggling with that. It takes dedicated, sincere work on the part of the WS to help the BS feel more secure. Totally open book ... no secrets .... willing to account for where they are all the time .... radical honesty.

it is also normal to search through things. I spent entire days searching through the house for old phone bills, old credit cards bills, old calendars. I also searched sock drawers, pockets, and his work bag. I was honest with him ... he knew I was snooping. He also knew why. I think it is a compulsion to reconstruct the betrayal. It is normal.

When you guys see your mc talk about this. your mc can help your wife understand what you are going through and help you understand what your wife is going through.

Hang in there. The best advice someone gave me at the beginning was not to make any major decisions while emotions are running so high. Work on the M. work on being strong and healthy yourself. Whatever the future holds ... both the work on your m and your own well-being will benefit you.

Call a friend to talk to. Would it be okay to call your wife and just tell her you miss her? Nothing more heavy or involved than that. Just hello, how is everyone, I miss you. Don't let the conversation go to anything A related or R related. There is time for that .... for now Plan A action!

I gotta run but will check in again tonight.

I'm praying God give you some peace from your pain, onmy. And some comfort with uncertainty.

Hi, onmy.

I've checked in several times over the weekend to see if you have posted.

I hope you were okay this weekend.

I posted on the GQ2 section over the weekend b/c there was more traffic. Post was called New Discovery. Please read to see how my weekend went.

I was freaking out part of the weekend when I was alone. Went out w/ a friend who doesn't know and talked about other things which was nice. On Sunday, Talked with a friend who is a pastor and she helped me calm down. Was feeling good when WW got home last night from the weekend trip to her friend. Slept ok (actually got 8 hours) but woke up around 5:45 and just snuggled as hard as I could. Kept walking her up by accident. I know that didn't help things. Trying to be patient w/ her. I would just love to hear her say 'I love you'.

At work right now. Have gotten progresively worse all day. Sitting here right now w/ the shakes real bad. Have MC tomorrow. IC next Monday. I'm having a real hard time concetrating and am running short of patience. I know I'm stil under 2 weeks, butsomethings gottta give. How long can this fog last? I am just not myself. Trying to eat, but its hard. Had a nutritional shake for bfst. Will try to eat a brownie for lunch. Plan on eating an ok dinner at home w/ wife. Just being near her calms me down. When we are apart I am a mess. I know I can't be w/ her all the time. She needs space. I need to give it to her. Her big issue is that I am controling. This situation isn't helping me be less so.

I am really worried. How do I stay calm? I need to get some work done.

been a few days since i posted. she's back in the other bedroom for last 3 days. she says om isn't issue its if she even wants to be married. b/c of work we were apart except for monthly visits for 9 monyhs. this was when she had 2nd A. she says she liked living alone. no rules. last night we went offer finances and b/c she hasn't found as much wk as we hoped w/ her business we are pretty far in the hole. i knew this would happen w/ a new business so wasn't worried or suprised. she just lost control and kept crying. didn't want me to confort her. i know she just feels more 'trapped'. i don't feel that my plan a is wking at all. it doesn't seem to matter how nice/supportive i am. nothing. it just stays the same or gets worse. i am confident that if she was working full time she would have left already. fear is what is keeping her here. i hate to see her hurting but there is nothing i can do. i have no control here and even though i fianlly accepted that yesterday, it doesn't make it any easier. at mc the other day she asked about the love bank. said that if it was that easy couldn't you pick anyone off the street and fill each others love bank and fall/stay in love? how long can this fog last and did last night just make it thicker? ifeel like there is fog in the middle of a moonless night in a tunnel.

onmybday

I'm so sorry. I know you are both hurting. I don't have enough experience to advise you. But I am going to go and see if I can find some folks wiser than me to check in here with you.

Continue what you are doing .... Plan A .... taking care of yourself .... seeing the MC.

I'm still praying for you.
heart