Hi, <P>Feeling really bad.<BR> <BR>About a half hour before H was due, his mum phoned me. She said she had just spoken to him, wanted to know how I was. I asked her if he'd said anything, he apparently said nothing's changed. REALLY got me down, there I go again, expecting SOMETHING. So today I went from, I'm gonna LB, to NO WAY am I gonna LB to, what's the use? to just keep out of his way. By the time he got here I was churning inside, very, very low, nervous, anxious, depressed and really p****d off with my life. I should have gone out, I see that now, and if I feel like this again, I'm going to be away when he comes. So I guess I learned another lesson. <P>I didn't LB about the OW. He came, he was nice enough, but wall up again. I had one of his favourite meals cooking. He was supposed to take the kids this weekend but more feeble excuses why not....this just made me sick. But I kept THAT in too, I just said, well I didn't tell them, so they won't be disappointed. <P>He stayed for half an hour, played and talked with kids for nearly all of that, and some bills with me. <P>So far so good...I had had to leave the room several times because I wanted to LB, but I held it in. <P>BUT, when he was leaving I asked him if he’d like to come back later for dinner. He said (dogfaced expression) no. I then said, well you've only seen the kids for half an hour, and I thought it would be nice....gives me all sorts of excuses why not. <P>I then said, "You know we have to talk about what's happening (me going back to Oz)". He said "Yeah I know". I told him I thought he'd been avoiding that and he said no he wasn't and "Maybe it's time to talk." So Mr Social Butterfly can't talk to me until next Thursday. <P>I decided to try something I read over in GQII the other day about saying to him "Please go and find that lovely man I married who loved his family, and bring him home to me." He said "I've been trying." Someone over there said it worked for her...I thought anything's worth a try. So I said it. Trouble is you're supposed to say it without crying....I cried. I apologised. I also told him we loved him and missed him. He said, "Do you think there's nothing left in me? (he meant no love for me...so he admits he feels something?)" I said that I knew there was that wonderful man in there still, and please would he find him for us. He just stood there, not saying yes or no, then said gotta go. Off he went. <P>So now I'm a crazy wreck again....I just don't think I can do this any more.<P>When I told him I loved him, he said he wished I hated him.<BR> <BR>I feel that we have to talk about Oz to make it more real for HIM...I have set the wheels in motion (got my folks enrolling the kids in schools) but I haven't booked tickets. I am on a time frame thanks to him and school terms and Christmas coming up means I may not be able to just hang around anyway...I HAVE to leave this country when he does in January anyway, because we are here on his work visa, then he's off to another country....if it is up to him, he'd just leave it till the last minute and then it's all a rush, in my hands and completely horrible. <P>I DON'T WANT TO GO...but I know I don't have a choice unless we reconcile. It is beginning to be unbearable to just look at him...I'm getting that "Get out of here or I AM gonna hate him feeling." I am resentful and angry that this had been pushed on me. He asked me once why I thought I'd be doing better if we were in Oz, I said, at least I wouldn't feel like I was being forced to go, if I did it would be my own choice. <P>I am starting to find it really hard to cope with the kids, and every time I've hugged them today I've cried. I feel like that isn't good for them, and I ask myself why am I crying? Because of another fruitless interaction with H...so don't interact with him, and you'll get by. <P>This IS unbearable, and I am fully prepared for him to say he still doesn't want me....in that case I will go ahead and book tickets as fast as I can and get out. That's how I feel. I have fought with everything I've got for the last eight months, PlanA'd for 6 months before he left, and it hasn't been good enough. IT ISN'T GETTING BETTER. I'm sick of feeling like this. <BR>
