Ok here is my story: Found out about WS affair on 1-1-02. Tried plan A for a week. He had contact, actually my own fault, I ran into OW somewhere, and felt 'confident' enough to befriend her. Thats all it took. (did not yet understand concept of total seperation) Anyway, H moved out about 2 weeks ago.<p>Here is my problem: H moved to a 1 bedroom at same apt. complex we already lived in. We have 2 daughters. We talk several times daily. He still has things where I live. We have had sex since our seperation. It was all we had left in our marriage! We have a date tonight. He is still seeing OW. He is getting EVERYTHING! And I continue to let him! But he hides his contact with me from OW, unless it concerns our children. But its not hidden from mutual friends. I feel like I am in the middle of a gameshow!! We had a situation the other day, and I actually felt like I was getting 'caught' by my H 'girlfriend' having sex with my H. And the sad thing is, if I had of, the only thing I could have done was laughed and asked her what the heck she expected. I need to TOTALLY seperate myself from my H and I cant. We have so many casual things we discuss daily, that it makes it difficult, plus the fact that I want to show him I am capable of being happy again. I am so in love with him right now, more than I have been in a very long time, when I should hate him more than ever! Am I just addicted to him? I feel crazy!! Thanks for listening!
heather [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

I am so sorry that you are going through this....<p>Right now you are going through a whole range of emotions. Be sure that you assemble a support system for you - friends, family, counselor, priest or minister, and most importantly God.<p>There will be no quick fixes for this, but it's good that you found this site, so that you will be able to know your options.<p>First, read all the info. on this site, and SAA (Surviving an Affair) and His Needs/Her Needs. This knowledge will give you an understanding of the situation and help you make some good decisions. <p>If you want to save your marriage, then you probably want to do Plan A - which is finding out what your husbands EN's(emotional needs) are and what LBs(love busters) you have been committing. You can print out the EN and LB quesitonaire from this site and try to fill them out as if you were your husband.<p>Then work on meeting his ENs and stop LBing. In Plan A you will feel like a doormat, but the goal is to show your spouse that the marriage is a safe place to return to, that the conditions that caused your spouse to leave no longer exist - this can take from 3-6 mos. This is not easy! Especially since the WH(wayward husband) is causing so much pain. But it is doable and it has worked. This is why you need a support system.<p>The impulse reaction is to kick out the cheating spouse, but that is why you need to educate yourself about divorce, and about the marriage builders principles, so that you can make an informed choice.<p>Statistics say that affairs don't last forever, and your job is to work on youself while you are waiting the A(affair) out.<p>There should be some posts for new members on the Just Found Out Board and on the GQII board- just do a search for New Members and Acronyms. These posts will have alot of info. for you too.<p>This will be a rocky ride, but keep posting here, ask questions, and read, read, read. K

Hi, you have taken a huge step by finding this site. no kidding. There are many of us here who know exactly what your going thru, we all need to keep each other in check from time to time. <p>Make sure to check out WATs Quick Start guide in my signature, it has been very helpful. There are quite a few books that you should try and get, your local library should be able to get you a copy or you could buy them from the bookstore here. Read Surviving an Affair, aka SAA, will really help you put things into perspective.<p>You may be in a good spot with your H living in the same complex, it will give you a better chance to show him how much you care. For most of us our WS has moved far away or in with the OP, so look at that as a blessing.<p>It wont be easy but keep posting/venting/reading, it will help. Take care

Thanks for the replys. I have purchased SAA and HN/HN. I am trying, I am learning, etc... my major concern is the fact that I still have SO much contact with my WS, that he is getting ALL his needs met most of the time by the both of us. I am trying to figure out if I need to cut off all contact with him, to make him see what he is losing. It is just so dang hard to not want to see him anytime he wants to be with me. <p>I actually went out by myself last night for the first time in years, and I had a great time. He has encouraged me to go out and meet people, but when I talk to him about things I have done (not being unfaithful in any way), just talking with people, men and women, or if someone asks me out, it seems to really depress him. To me, that means he still cares, so why is he just walking away. I am so confused, and I am willing to wait for my H to come out of this 'fog', but what if there is really no future for us, because he really thinks we can never be happy again. I know we have both made many mistakes in our marriage, and I am willing to work on mine. How long do I wait for him. I am just a happy, very positive person, and I dont want to sit around hurting all the time, wondering if he is ever gonna come home. I just cant do that. I can not make myself unhappy waiting on him. I love him and all I want is for us to try, really try, which we have never done before. I just feel crazy sometimes
heather [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

hey Heather,<p>PLAN A
PLAN A
PLAN A<p>right now you have the best chance to work things out, if your WS is still living with you. Start getting YOUR life in order, Plan A is about NO LB, and trying to be the best possible person you can, only your actions are going to change his mind, and he has to see what is different, dont talk about, DO IT. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You should go out, dont talk to him about it, just go, have fun, get in touch with yourself, i am at the point now where I feel confident and am aware no matter how much talking I do with my WW, she is going to do what she wants, I cant controll that, but I can control my attitude towards her, show her that I still care, act excited when she calls, do my best to show her that there is something worth coming home for. Yes your right, it almost seems like a waste of time, but the truth is that I want to be a better person, a person that I can be happy with no matter what. <p>Most people try and Plan A for about 6 months before going to Plan B. Plan A is all about getting your self mentally ready to move forward with YOUR life, regardless whether or not your WS is able to regain normailty. <p>Keep reading/venting/posting it really helps.
Take care of yourself in all aspects and the rest will follow.

Hey Digital-<p>My WS does not still live with me. He lives in the same apt. complex where I live though. I have been Plan A'ing, he just makes it hard sometimes. Like yesterday, he for some reason got very mad at me, I really have no clue what I did, except went out the night before and had a good time. So now, I will not tell him anything!!!! I was just telling him about how I met this guy, and he was a radio personality, and I did not know it until later, and I just thought he would know him because its astation He listens to, and the guy was a sports announcer. No 'date' was involved no nothing. But I met several people that night, male and female. <p>So later that day when talking to him again about getting our girls, he was a total a** to me! He was trying to argue with me, told me we could not be friends because he hates my guts, he does not ever want look at my face again or speak to me again, I am a fat Bi***! which Im not [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I recently lost about 35 lbs, and he thinks that saying that will hurt me, but sorry, I know I look good! (sorry, thats my conceted attitude) I just like to feel good about myself, and now I do so I try to keep a good attitude about my appearance! <p>Anyway, he came to get the girls last night, he got mad and left, and I am tired of him controling my life and messing up plans I have, so I took them to his house. Then he calls and tells me I will never see my kids again! Im not worried about that because I have several police officer friends, who will take me to his house to get them. But why does he have to act so stupid? I actually told him to have his OW call me to discuss visitation with our girls, because I would rather deal with her than his dumba**!<p>But he is making me not even want him anymore, and is actually making being without him easier for me. I am just convinced he is CRAZY!!!!!!!
heather [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Heather,<p>Well first let me just kinda sum up what it sounds like is going on, first you should not be telling him about meeting other people, its a LB, think about how you would feel if your WS thought it a good idea to let you in on some details of his current events. I know probably not what you wanted to hear, but its true, Plan A is where you are able to reflect on your relationship and look for things that would be considered LB's, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, critisizms, during Plan A is when you are being tested not only by your WS but also you. <p>It is very hard when the WS is acting so, eerily out of this world, nothing you can say or do is going to change their minds right now. You are also at a high risk to have an A of your own, which may mean you should consider not letting yourself get into a situation that might be difficult to get out of. <p>My WS has taken a month to visit her relatives 1500 miles away, so i am hoping that the next 30 days prove to be an "awaking" for her. Other wise she is going to be getting an apartment with OM who is 20 years old, no idea what he just got himself into. <p>Right now things are seeminly eaiser on me knowing that she is not with OM. When she gets back that may be a different story, first my WS has never lived on her own let alone held a full time job, not to mention that she has our 18 month old S. She is about to get a rude awaking and when she has to sign that 1 year lease there will not be much I can do to get her out of it. I guess it looks like I have a year and a month to get things working. At least I can tell where this is headed.<p>I hope I have given you some encouragement, keep your chin up and um, how bout a picture? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

OK, so I am wrong for talking to my WS about things HE is encouraging me to do? OOPS!
I just think someone forgot to give me the handbook that goes with this game. Whatever....I quit. I dont even want my marriage anymore. The way my H acted last night totally turned me off. I cant want someone who acts so stupid. Now I know how I look when I act stupid. Boy will I think before I act now!!!<p>I just want a divore and custody of my girls. I may just be pissed right now, who knows how I will feel tomorrow?<p>I am not at risk for an affair, I'm already guilty. Nothing much, just dinner, a couple of dances and a kiss. Not an affair to me, simply because of what he is doing, but I guess by MB concepts it is. OK, here goes the guilt trip. Do I have to leave now? Am I just as guilty as all the WS out there? ugh......<p>I hope your WW wakes up. It is very hard on your own, especially when her 20 year old buddy leaves her stranded. Sorry to sound so negative, but thats mighty young to walk into a family. I wish ya the best of luck though! My H signed a 1 year lease. Thank god! He lives in same apt. complex we lived in already. I got great news today! I thought my lease had 2 more months, but it only has one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>heather [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Heather,<p>one thing for sure is that tomarrow is a new day, full of new things. I know I have experienced the thoughts of just letting this go, it IS alot of work, and there is still much more suffering to come, oh great! But regardless of that, that wich does not kill us only makes us stronger, and its true, just think, in 1 year from right now i bet if you were to come back and read this post you would like, I cant belive I said that!<p>If you are going to show your H that you are serious about making this work you will have to understand that you can NOT get involved with anyone else, why? you know the reason, don't stoop to his level. Thats kinda what Plan A does, it forces us to accomodate those less fortunate than us. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It also forces us to deal with real life. By learning how to fix your problems rather than let them get swept under the carpet you will be ready for what ever R you CHOOSE, you wont be setteling for anything less than the best, and you will with out a doubt be able to care for your next spouse on levels you never knew you could. The MB principals are not just for your M, its for ALL things you do and all people you are in contact with.<p>It will get better, honestly it will. How is your D holding up? You now have alot more time since your WH is off doing his own thing, when was the last time you went rollerskating with your D? maybe its about time, eh? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I just feel like it would be so much easier to give up. Why should I try, he tells me all the time he just wants a divorce. Then sometimes he wants to wait. I asked him the other day if we ever had a chance to rebuild our marriage in the future, or if knows we will never be together and we should go ahead with a divorce. He told me that he can not predict the future, so if I want an answer right now, it would be the divorce. To me that means he knows we are over. It just hurts too bad to continue loving him. I just dont know if I can keep suffering this way. My life has just always been simple, not all this drama and gameplaying. I just think it would be easier to move on. It would be so much more simple. I dont know how to decide if its worth the suffering I would have to do to keep trying.<p>I know I cant get involved with anyone else if I want my marriage. I cant get involved with anyone right now even if I dont want my marriage. That particular guy, thankfully, talked me to death, so I have no intentions of ever seeing or talking to him again. I cant change what I did, but I can prevent any further mistakes, huh. I sound like I want my marriage, dont I? Gosh Im so confused.<p>Ive never taken my D skating. Shes 2 1/2, she bust her butt! My other D is only 16 months. I do spend time with them. I know I am a good mother. We just do the Mcdonalds and Chuckie Cheese thing now!! We'll go skating in a few years, so I can bust my butt! My children are awesome and I thank God everyday for them, because without their love, this would be so much harder. My 2 1/2 year old is so funny, she puts a smile on my face at the perfect time, when I need it most. She is very smart and a great talker, so you can just imagine the things she says!!<p>I thank you for your replys! I look foward to your responses. Its great to know I am not the only person going through this type of stuff.<p>So have you talked to your W? How is she? How is your S? I cant imagine how much you must miss them both.
Oh, I was just curious about something- if you dont answer, no offense taken- But is your wife in her 20's also, or did so just go for a young guy? Just wondering.
heather
[img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]