Hi, all,

My Wh moved out 5/6/02 at my request. I asked him in February, but didn't actually move until May. I think he was hoping I'd change my mind like I have in the past. He really didn't get motivated to meet my ENs though.

So he's been out for about 3 months and we've commited to reconciling. We spend most free time together with the exception of this week (he was away last week and took 3 days off to spend with his boys).

For the most part I'm enjoying our living arrangement. We have our own space and can be alone if we want. We also don't have the issues we had with our blended family. He said my kids disrespect for me wore on him and it was one reason he turned to other women. We have very different parenting styles - me too timid and him way too strict and domineering. With the separation I've worked on my relationship with my boys (mine are almost 8&10) and we've made wonderful progress. I was with him and his boys the other day (his are almost 13&15) and I cringed when he was "disciplining". He gets sarcastic and cutting. I like my calm household now. His boys never agreed with our getting married but they weren't vocal about it (only just before the wedding when they told H they wouldn't come around if we married).

I enjoy the time spent with H when we're one on one with none of the kids around. We can focus on each other and our marriage without interferance.

So I ask - is it possible to enjoy a marriage living apart? Has anyone ever heard this happening before and it being successful?

I look forward to your comments or suggestions!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Free - it sounds more like boyfriend/girlfriend who could have a long-term relationship, but could not blend their kids and parenting styles. I can imagine that working but not as a marriage, or at least, I haven't heard of it.

This is a little bit disconcerting to read, since I expect (hope) to remarry some day. Despite the problems of blended families, I'm thinking it's even worse to try it with a woman, in her 40's, who has no experience with kids. Especially since I have 3 and not just one.

I think you have to put up a united front, and even where you disagree on parenting, it's not in front of the kids. That applies to first marriages equally well. If he is sarcastic and cutting with his kids, and you are too timid, then it sounds like you could both learn from each other.

Good luck,

Tom

Free2BMe,

I agree w/ tmmx, it is a boy/girlfreind relationship ... dating each other but no commitment ... M is much more than that. This is my 2¢ ... WS will use anything to justify their A, it is part of fog. There are a lot of coparenting conseling around, check w/ your local family service. W/ his boys ... they are almost out of the door in 3 years & 5 years, they have their choice ... for now they have to follow their dad or they could follow his ex. As part of poja, find a coparenting counseling.

-RH-

Hi Free,

I know we have spoken a lot off the site and I wanted to comment about how timely your post is to both of our situations.

I don't want to steal away your post but I too feel like I am having the same problems and if I can get advice from anyone on the boards that would be great.

My H moved out the end of May and after a week was sorry he did. However, we stayed sep till just last Friday. Then one week after he moves in we have two days of arguing over taking care of the kids. Just like you, I am too easy on them in his eyes and I think he is too hard. Well, my and (and I to a certain extent) thinks that because we may not be able to see eye to eye on this that maybe we should not be together.

Just like you, we had been getting along very well while he was out. And I agree with the other posters, it was like a girl/boyfried relationship. Although, my H does not agree with that analogy.

SO, I too am lost as to what to do.

need2bhappy,

When we are at stand still, we need 3rd party to find the common ground. Coparenting conseling is great when you have to deal w/ kids in the middle. Check your local Family Service. Or your local church might be able to help out. Don't let it linger ...

-RH-

Unfortunately my exH poisoned my kids heads when my H and I married. He told them they didn't have to listen to us and that my H (their stepdad) was NOT their step dad.

My ex has changed his tune, but the after effects are slow to change. Things have changed though and that's positive. My boys miss my H and their step brothers. They are now listening to me and respect me more. If they disrespect me or others I send them to their rooms and now they go instead of telling me NO.

This separation has been positive in that each issue (marital and parental) have been separated and not intertwined. I can work on both without the other interfering.

I love my H with all my heart and I waiver between wanting to be with him forever as H and W or loving him from afar.

I just think I need to breathe, enjoy the time we do spend together and let counseling have it's chance.

Thank you all for your comments ~ they truly are appreciated! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

need2bhappy, your situation is a tad bit different. These are yours and H's biological kids. I don't think it's right for him to use parenting as an excuse to leave. I do think you should try to get him involved in a parenting class or something along those lines (I know, I know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). You both may need to compromise and do things a bit differently (doesn't need to be drastic). Your kids are young and very close in age ~ I remember those ages with mine and it was so hard. It does get better and easier! You have mentioned your H gets his time to go golfing with the guys each week ~ why not discuss a day each week where you do something for yourself outside the home?! Good luck! BTW, did you discuss what your pediatrician said?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Free,

Who said good guys/girls doesn't win at the end ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... have faith & patience ... your kids will learn in the long run, including your step kids ... They have choice to be miserable or to be happy into one single extended family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Even we said about being girl/boy freinds in your situation ... if you do it to give both of you a time away or a cooling period it should be fine. Make sure A is ended. -RH-

Hi RH,

Sorry, I didn't think I had a response. I'm trying to be patient. Counseling was postponed until next week when I'm out of town. We really haven't spent quality time together since Saturday afternoon and that was short lived. He hasn't really told me his plans this week, I just sort of ask what he's doing and I get partial answers. I don't "feel" he's putting an effort into our reconciling. We touch base on the phone, but our communication really stinks and we both end up frustrated in the conversations. I try to Plan A and keep upbeat and positive even though I feel major disappointments.

I think we're drifting apart and our marriage is dying a natural death!

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Free,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I think we're drifting apart and our marriage is dying a natural death!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Time will tell & waiting is a very hard job ... and hope the counseling will help both of you.

-RH-

Thank you, RH,

Normally I'm in control (or so I like to think) of our so called recoveries. For the first time I'm really just sitting back and waiting, watching.

I spoke to H last night and he said his 12yo told him he was very confused. He said why would I kick WH out them spend so much time together. For one, we told all the boys together that it was a joint decision to separate so H must have said something different. Anyway, H said he told him that we are still married and trying to work things out. H said he told him why we separated, but I'm not sure I believe him. I guess we can't protect the kids from the truth forever.

During our talk we joked about how we'd live separately until all the boys were off to college, which would be 10 more years for the youngest to be out.

I'm just still confused at whether I can live under the same roof with this man and give him more of my heart. I miss being part of a couple, but I don't miss the stress involved with him.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How are you doing, Free?

Hi, OneDay,

Thanks for popping in and asking about me.

I'm doing okay for the most part. I took my 2 boys on a 3-day mini vacation to an amusement park last week and we had a ball. I enjoyed the time with them.

As for H and I, well, we're just plugging along. H "forgot" to go to his IC appt. last week. I'm thinking he didn't really forget since he hasn't rescheduled or mentioned it to me. I won't bring it up and I won't move forward if he pushes this aside.

H leaves on another business trip next weekend. He'll be gone for 3 weeks out-of-state. It was up in the air whether he was going or not and now it's on so I'm wondering if he's really going for business (or if it was really called off, but he's still going to meet a woman).

For the most part I'm not stressing about what he's up to. I don't check his email half as much bc really nothing is there and I believe he has one I don't know about. It's so weird that now that we're not together I don't stress as much even though we're still acting married. Does that make sense? I would think I'd stress more since I don't have such access to him.

I'm undecided (still) as to whether I want to reconcile and move back in. It's been 3 months and I fear I could be losing the desire for the marriage. We have spent some great quality time together and I do love him, yet I don't have that desire to share my space.

Time will tell!!

Thanks again for checking in with me.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 05, 2002, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>