I really need help on this one… I’m completely confused.

I don’t know how many of you have read my previous posts, here’s a small recap. My SO has had several online EA’s. I’ve boiled it down to his self esteem issues. He uses these women to boost his ego in a BIG way. I’ve caught him 5 times, I’ve always confronted him and it’s always turned into a HUGE mess. He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions, instead he blames it all on me for spying and “trying to control his life” he knows exactly what to say to really upset me. For him a good offence is the best defense is putting it mildly. He’s never been violent, but he does threaten to throw my D and I out of the house, ends our relationship, tells me I don’t love him… all the bells and whistles.

I thought things were going really well…… each time I would check, I would feel bolstered that there was nothing there. Until about a month ago that is, I’ve found out that he’s chatting again, and e-mailing one woman in particular daily. There was a sexual content to their e-mails that seems to have disappeared of late. He tells her that he’s divorced, poured his heart out to her about his marriage (before me) and omits our relationship completely.

She is lapping it up and burying him with ego boosting phrases. I’ve suspected that he’s also be involving himself is cyber sex chats with other women.

I’ve been plan A’ing to the best of my ability, but last night just about killed me. I was out of the house for a few hours with D, I came home and he was coming on to me strongly. All I could think about was why he was so “randy” WHO had he been chatting with to put him in that mood.

I found out this morning that he was indeed chatting last night, I feel cheap, used, like a play thing for his desires.
We made an agreement long ago that he would tell me if he felt the desire to chat again, he hasn’t. He agrees that he uses chat as an escape and ego boost. I sent him a very long letter last week, expressing my desire to rebuild the friendship that we once had. He tells me that he doesn’t feel that he can talk to me, that I’ll just get angry with him. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I expressed my desire for both of us to get better at opening up with each other. He agrees that it’s something he wants to do as well.

I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t know if I should confront him. I have no where to go if he kicks me out, no job, no family here, I’m feeling really helpless.

PS...he has seen a counselor in the past, but now refuses to go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CtrlAltDel:
<strong>I don&#8217;t know where to go from here, I don&#8217;t know if I should confront him. I have no where to go if he kicks me out, no job, no family here, I&#8217;m feeling really helpless.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{{((((CAD))))}}}}. I am a true beleiver that there is no better half; there is only an equal half in M. You should never "confront" H, you should "talk R" to H. A lot of BS misundertood by not initiating talking R during plan A. If you could control you emotion and avoid LB'ed ... you should talk to WH !. Don't tell H about his online addiction but talk about you ... your feeling and how you feel about the M, use word pictures if you have to (read The Language of Love).

Now, about yourself ... actually for a woman w/ a D, you get better help than man. Check w/ local woman activist & county social worker. Also as part of your plan A ... you should start to learn how to be independent ... you want to bring something to the table for negotiations. Check local trade school run by the city & county, get your self GED is you havenot graduate yet. In San Mateo, CA, you could pay $75.00 to take Cisco Classes (cost about $5K, if you have to take it privately), $25.00 to take Dental assistant or paralegal training vs couple thousands if you finance it for yourself. Check Forgiver & Seahorse posts, they could give some inspirations.

As a reminder ... you always ask to yourself what good does it do if I bring this to his attention ?. You should try at least once to "talk" to H as a loving & concern W to find a solution for his addiction. If it doesn't work then you should never brought it up again and you know you have a long way to go.

-RH-

RedHat&#8230;thanks for the reply, I was hoping you would lend a helping hand here. I&#8217;ve lurked for ages, I&#8217;ve come to respect your insight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

With the financial inequities in our relationship I&#8217;ve never quite felt equal to him in our R. I have started doing things for me, toddled my butt down to the local college to pick up my transcripts so I can re-apply for a better position. WH was completely behind me about this until last night when he voiced is concerns about it. Baggage baggage baggage is all I can say. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I&#8217;m getting really tired of living in the shadow of his former relationship. I&#8217;m still not sure where it all stands, but I made sure he understood where I was coming from without LB&#8217;ing at all. I was actually doing my best to re-assure him that I wouldn&#8217;t get my degree and then leave him (gist of the baggage episode)

I thought a great deal about what you said in your post, flipped it around a few dozen times yesterday and today and your right, I need to TALK to him about my concerns without bringing up my knowledge of his current activities. I suspect that he will evade the question or deny any involvement. Yup&#8230;long way to go, BUT it hasn&#8217;t happened yet so I&#8217;m not going to be negative about it.

Thanks RedHat&#8230;..PS&#8230;are you a programmer or just a fan?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CtrlAltDel:
<strong>Thanks RedHat&#8230;..PS&#8230;are you a programmer or just a fan?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your are welcome. I am a programmer, I like the underdog to Microsoft <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-