Please give me advice is there anyone out there who has marriage has survived their spouses affair while there is contact? I have posted on another site and the message is always no contact. My h works in close contact with the ow 3 days a week and thinks it is impossible to change things. I found out about their 2 year affair 7 weeks ago and we are in counselling and in many ways we are closer now but this no contact thing is getting to me. Our MC has of course told him she would prefer NC and that the healing process will be longer and harder for me but he is adamant that he is committed to me now and they have a totally business like relationship. I have told no one of their affair and am on the brink of revealing it to all unless he asks her to leave. He is a dentist she is the hygienist and he has a partner who he says will be affected if she goes. It is hard enough dealing with the betrayal but to know she is there with them 3 days a week is killing me more.
Today he said that when I discussed her leaving that the punishment doesn't fit the crime. Can you believe it??
Can anyone tell me if they have survived a situation like this??

Very normal for the wayward spouse to not completely want to cut ties. Even if their relationship has gone professional. 2 YEARS!! That's a long history between them. NO Contact..!! No Question. He has options. I see him using the other dentist as nothing more than a mere excuse.
NO Contact.

sheeba,

Keep asking and try to find a different answer ... sorry, honey. Read this How should affairs end ?

The answer is NC.

Get this warning from the master ...

Some affairs are discovered by the spouse, but even after discovery, the affair often continues unabated until it dies a natural death. If that's the way your affair ends, even if your marriage survives, it will probably not amount to much.

I suggest you consel w/ MB directly.

-rh-

Well I have at least had a breakthrough, today he told his partner about the A. More as a warning that I might come in and cause trouble I think but at least he is aware and will put them under scrutiny. We have read all the MB stuff about NC he knows this is the best possible scenario for healing, but just keeps on about the business rammifications and I do accept these as real, I just wonder if I can get through this with her around. I guess it is a challenge, but I feel I am condoning their actions if I let the situation remain.

sheeba,

It is not good for you now and it will not be good your M recovery down the road. However it is your M and your life to live. You might salvage M but you might never have fullfiling M.

If you choose to do this, get medication, buckle up for 'coaster, vent here a lot. Get your system support list handy.

-rh-

Thanks redhat My H thinks I need medication. Have you used it? Will it help? I have cried alot today and felt so tired and sick, couldn't face chores or seeing anyone today.

sheeba,

I was on paxil for 3 months. Yes, it helped a lot. Please talk to your doctor, you are in depression.

{{{{((((Cyber hug))))}}}}

Hang in there -rh-

Hi, it sounds alot like you are going through the same thing as me, and I sympathize with your feelings. It IS very difficult, because you really don't believe that the affair is truly over, or you know there is the chance it will rekindle. When they keep putting themselves in the same situation which made it easy to have the affair to begin with, you know the temptation is still there, and it is always in the back of your mind. At least that is my feelings on the subject. I told my SO that if we seriously try to work this out, we will have to move. But, truthfully, my situation is slightly different as my SO is not voicing and desire to stay commited to me. He says he doesn't know what he wants. But, anyway, just know you are not alone and there are others in the same situation who you can vent to and talk with. And yes, medications can do wonders. My SO and I discussed this just this am, as I feel he also needs to be on med. Just be careful and choose the medication wisely, discuss possible side effects in detail with your doctor. I am a nurse and I am aware that many antidepressants cause significant weight gain. Not that weight gain is more important than your emotional well being, but I find that when you are going through this sort of thing, your self-esteem takes a huge plummet, and a perceived negative change in your appearance can add to this. I have been on Effexor in the past with very good effect and no weight gain. There are many options, good ones, and this is only my personal opinion. I hope this helps.

I know how you feel, really I do..I found out about my H's A (of one year) 3 mos ago, and they work together also, but not "on top" (no pun intended) of each other, - only at the same company, so she comes and goes through the hallways, at lunch, etc. for her to bump into. He's claimed NC for two months, and I believe he's really trying, as he's given me his passwords to vmail, cellphone, etc. She's called him a couple of times, but he tells me he doesn't talk to her and she then hangs up. It's a horrible feeling knowing they can see each other all the time, as it eats away at you. I keep telling myself, "she's going after him".."he's not going after her any more"...and hopefully he's got the strength to keep her away from us. I'm trying to have more and more faith in him to believe this, or it makes me nuts. You're in a tough spot, but it's good he told her associate. I got him to end the A by telling an associate of his, who approached her to leave him alone, and that's ended a lot of this crap. Your gut feeling will tell you if he's really telling you the truth or not. I still falter back but try not to LB on him...otherwise we take too many steps backwards again. Good luck to you; pray for strength to get through this..I do, and it does come to me most of the time.