Hubby tried to come out to see us on the weekend,Saturday but didn't make it, and didn't call after saying he was coming. I was waiting all night and all day sunday, and very disappointed. He finally called on Monday morning and said, "Sorry"., sounding sheepish. I was hoping for an explanation, but none was forthcoming. I lied and said "well I wasn't really expecting you anyway." (In other words I don't believe you tried very hard.) I guess he really did, because he was upset when I saw him on Monday after work, and now he hasn't called me all week and I am a wreck as usual. He had been calling pretty often for a couple of weeks.

I am torn between calling him to apologise or just letting him be. He doesn't actually have a phone, I would have to track him down by calling his friends to see if they have heard from him.

Usually it is me who calls, seeks him out. Maybe this time I shouldn't, but I hate for him to be hurting about this. On the other hand, maybe it will teach him to pick up the phone, so I don't worry and wait.

Call or not call???

Which plan are you in?

L.

I'm in plan A, perpetually.

I don't think you should call him. He is acting very inconsiderately. Next time he calls you, be pleasant, but I wouldn't wait around for him all weekend again.

Don't call.

Sorry! I have no explanation. Just gut feel. I know you are anxious and hurting and this may sound a little cruel, but as long as he knows you are making the effort, he'll make less. He sounds lost now anyway. He needs to find his way back to you. He needs to need you, for good and bad.

Anyway, I don't understand what you are apologizing for. Did I miss something?

I made it through another night without calling!

My gut is telling me the same thing, to be still, that its time for him to pursue me.

I don't know what I am apologising for ! He was very inconsiderate not to call and to leave me sitting there all day waiting. But he said sorry and I guess he was really trying to come out, so now he is hurt that I would think he wasn't trying. But in the end it is his actions I have to go by, not his words. I think he was very frustrated because he was trying, but he could have come out on the bus anytime. He choose not to. He is feeling sorry for himself because he is not legal to drive, and he is living in a tiny room etc.

I think he wanted me to say "its okay, I know you tried", but its not okay. He wouldn't do that to his friends- he would have more consideration for them. He would have at least called them.

I will let him sulk. Its his loss if he doesn't phone or come out to see us. And it is his choice, I am not begging or trying to coerce him, or persuade him against his will.

Anyway, I can't really call him, I can only call his friends, and ask if they have seen him or if he is there, which I won't bother to do.

Well , he still hasn't called me.

I fonally called his friend last night who said he had't seen him,(but he would lie for him).

He isn't calling because he is feeling sorry for himself and angry, possibly guilty.

But I don't understand! the past few weeks we were getting along better, he was calling me every night from the motel when he was working out of town, we had a really good visit before he left, no LB, lots of sex- I was treating him like a king, and he was happy.

I wasn't chasing after him, jsut letting him know I am here and that I want to be with him.

Last weekend he sounded like he wanted to come out, but he got drunk on the friday and worked on a car all saturday. He messaged me saying he was comng for SURE, and I waited all night all the next day. No phone call, until Monday on his way to work, and by then I was worried and upset.

I drove in on Monday evening, caught him just leaving work, so we met for supper.I borught up that I am willing to move to the city in th efall, and live together there, if that is what he wants. He said "I guess i better start saving up for an apartment. He was in a totally different mood, angry, full of self pity, and didin't want to talk said I stressed him out in the morning enough. (Afterwards I wondered if he thought I was stalking him?)

He walked off angrily and I haven't heard from him since.


I don't understand what happened. Have I made myself too available? Pressed him too hard?

I am trying to just relax and let God deal with him, but I am upset that he hasn't called. I don't even know if he is ok.

Maybe I should back off. Go about my life and let him be until he comes to me.

I want to be with him, but my first concern is to be a friend to him, whether we are together or not, and to see him healed. Maybe I should not have mentioned living together, he might be feeling trapped?

Or maybe guilty becasue he is involved with someone else and doens't have the courage to tell me? No that doesn't make sense, because he got a place on his own, and because just a couple of days before he was souding hopeful about the future for us.

I think he has to come to me. He reminds me so much of a dog that has been abused, and who comes a little close, then backs away if you make any sudden move. He doens't trust me. He is hiding.

Oh Shul! I want to make you feel better, but I'm afraid I don't know much about these things.

You're his wife. Of course you want to be close to him! And it is very natural that you care for him. It takes two very strong people to maintain a long distance relationship.

But maybe he needs to find himself first. People who are lost are not able to give. Perhaps he is too burdened by the current financial situation? Perhaps he needs to be certain he has a stable job first before he can provide for you and your child? It looks like he doesn't know what he wants at this time. Of course he enjoys being treated like a king, but he's very unfair to you if he is unable to reciprocrate.

Shul dear, I know how you feel, the anxiety and restlessness in waiting for him to call. It would drive me nuts. I am also wondering what is bothering your H. Do you think you can ask him? I don't like to make assumptions of how my H feels, I'd rather him tell me. Our Hs are not always the same man we thought we know, especially when there's a crisis. If he hasn't got an ow, can both of you work out an arrangement? Say he calls every Friday and you guys meet up every fortnight? There must be a plan that would lead to a more stable marriage, and BOTH of you need to work at it, not just you. What's a reasonable plan for him to maintain?

Thank you Ruffled,

Yes, both of us need to work at it, adn right now it looks like I am the only one.

He is either: dead, in jail, in hospital, out of town and ignoring me, in town and ignoring me, or with someone else, ( or he has amnesia and has forgotten who he is?)

Either way, there is nothing I can do. Which ever it is he will call when he feels like it or else I will get a call eventually.

I have been making my self sick over this, adn I am stopping right now.

In fact I might not talk to him when and if he does call.
I ahve prayed and told God I can't do this anymore, he is in His hands.

If this is a game he is playing, I'm not playing it. He knows how much this upsets me. I have no family, just me and our daughter.

When I was 15, my mother disappeared for 3 weeks, which was not unusual. We didn't even look for her. She turned up at her mothers one night, overdosed and died on her couch. Thats why it upsets me so much.

I have had enough.

I agree with Ruffled:

"Don't call.
Sorry! I have no explanation. Just gut feel. I know you are anxious and hurting and this may sound a little cruel, but as long as he knows you are making the effort, he'll make less."

It's like a see-saw analogy I read about:
Whatever you worry, talk, or take responsibility for, the other spouse can relax and slack off about.

"He sounds lost now anyway. He needs to find his way back to you. He needs to need you, for good and bad."

He may be feeling pursued by you contacting him; if so contacting him will make him want to resist you even more.

"Anyway, I don't understand what you are apologizing for. Did I miss something?"

Just because he may act bummed out or angry, don't assume you are to blame or that in any way should determine your decisions. It could be he's annoyed if he's feeling pursued by you. Or it could be he's frustrated because your (valid) expectations of how a husband/father should act interferes with the agenda of his midlife crisis and/or affair. It could be that he is reminded of his failure as a husband/father when he has ocntact with you. It could be he is trying to manipulate you with his moody behavior. It could be because the OW is making demands on him that conflict with what you and your daughter want/need from him...

Who knows?!?

But it is HIS responsibility to sort it out and give you honest info so you can make choices about your future.

Until then, why even bother contacting him anyway? I would just make other plans even if he claims he is coming to visit you. Are you the same poster who has a daughter? If so, I agree with your decision not to tell your daughter when he says he's coming - to protect her from disappoinment when he stands her up. If he calls and leaves a message I would wait a few days before even responding.

Also, you seem very worried about him. I did the same thing - worrying about my WH even though he was treating me and my daughters VERY cruelly. IMO you should let his family, buddies (and possibly OW) worry about him right now. You should just focus on taking care of yourself and your daughter.

He called last week adn said he might be out to help with the house if he didn't have to work.

But he didn't come , and on Sunday I was in the city. I dropped by a friends and they said he was just there with the ow. So I went to her house, thy were just taking off in the truck, but they saw me and he got out she left and he and I talked.

I asked him whats wrong, and is he with her?

He said yeah, they are friends, and he has sex with her. He said sorry for not calling. We went for coffee.

I asked him to call his daughter even if he doesn't want to be with me. To try and call her and see her once a month. He said yeah. He said he misses me and that he would rather be with me.

I told him that even if he doens't want to be with me, I accept that, but I still love him, as a friend, that I care about him, that it hurts me to see him doing this to himself. Throwing away the onnly ppl who love him.

He said that he was going to come out on Saturday, he bought a van, and that he mainly is using the ow for rides and sex, becuase she is the only person around who will drive him and he is sick of having to rely on other ppl for rides.

I asked him why he doesn't call me , have sex with me, and he said its because I am too far away, no way to get here etc. ( I am an hour away).

He said he likes sex with me better, that I have a better body etc.
He said he is not emotionally attached to her, its just casual , more like masturbation.

I said why don't you want mein that way, and he said "I wouldn't use you like that"

I warned him about STD's, he said he is using a condom always.

He said he will be out later this week, after work.

I have been praying about his whole thing. I know he has emotional problems, that he is terrified of rejection, thus of intimacy, and of failure.I am a mirror to him.

But I told him not to be afraid of me, that I won't reject him , if I was going to I would have already by now. That no matter what I am for him, and that God loves him.

He cried.

I am not taking this adultery personally, it is a symptom of how troubled he is.

I guess I am here for him no matter what. I will keep praying, and in the meantime I have to take care of my daughter and my job. God is looking out for me, in everything. I am praying about selling the house, I might make enough to just pay the debts, but it would be a fresh start. It hurts me to go there now.

I won't call him unless it is an emergency with our daughter, and I won't ask him to come out, or for money etc. I will leave it up to him.

He said he will get me a number for emergencies, but he hasn't yet.

I am worn out.

Just an update:

I am told my husband fits the criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder, and it explains why he is so torn , and why he doing such self destructive things.

I am getting some good advice on how to help him, and he is responding.