This is my letter to my coach re. my SO's realization day!

Hi Coach,

Yesterday I placed a voice activated recording on his office. I came home early and he was ready to leave at 5 PM which is pretty abnormal. He said he's been exhausted from the last 2 days that we didn't sleep talking about the A and his discoveries re the OW.

I played the tape after he left and heard the OWs voice on his mailbox pleading and begging him to take her back and his responses while he was listening to it was just Too bad too bad...and f--k you b****h! She told him on the voice mail that she's going to wait by the parking lot at her work until he comes whenever or forever. So I called him on his cell pretending not to know anything and asked him if she had called. He said no and not to worry about it. Dropped him some hints that it will hurt me most if he does again etc...

I played the rest of the tape and in the middle I heard him talking to his close buddy about the following:
a. He moved out to focus on her and her alone. They had broken up this year but since it was such a powerful feeling that he didn't want to go to his grave not knowing what if he had tried and really found true love etc..
b. He also moved out to think on his own and see if he will miss me as we have never broken up for our 5 years together. He also said that our first 2 years were perfect but after he found that something was missing bec he found himself needing so much attention and he couldn't get it from me bec. I was focused on so many things such as painting cooking magzines etc..and talking to my sisters. He admitted he's the biggest infant.
c. He told him that his fantasy about her is gone bec. she can't even do normal things without *****ing and all she cared about was money, herself and she's obsessing about why he still hasn't sold our house car etc..He realized that on a normal day she wasn't the perfect woman he had thought she was coupled with all her lies and cheating...(they deserve each other)
d. BF is a great girl but she didn't have the X factor ( this he explained to me in great length)

While I was playing the tape he came back home at 6:15 to my shock and the first thing out of his mouth is: "BF I really love you and I have realized all my mistakes and I'm truly sorry for ever hurting you. I want us to work in rebuilding our R and I want to move back in to prove to you everything." (and this he didn't know about the tape yet)

I looked at him and say do you? and he was puzzled and i told him about the tape and my discoveries and of course he was shocked and tried and begged and pleaded and explained all the details. I don't know why I didn't kill him at this point but I was just dumbfounded and numb. I told him to leave me alone as I do not have any answers nor feelings at this point. I took a sleeping pill to forget this night and twice he called at 11 PM which I told him I'm not interested in hearing anything and one at 4 AM where we talked for an hour.

He cried and told me that when he moved out and gained his independence that's when he didn't want it. He missed our regular routines of waking up to each other, cooking breakfast, shopping for spring flowers, going to COSTCO little things that has nothing to do with the "X factor" that he told his friend. He realized that the X factor is not the most impt thing in a R but the comfort and security and deep love and connection you have together. (boy it took him 4 months to figure out...) I told him that you have laughed at my MB friends bec you think they were crazy but now what do you think about all the principles and truths there?

They were 100% right and I'm stubborn and was pulled by the addiction of the A. I wanted to test myself and her and if it worked then it was true love. But I had all the red flags from her and I wanted to see what your MB friends are saying is true and they're right...etc..

In the end I told him that right at this moment I am unsure about him and will need to see his words sync up to his actions. He gave me all his passwords, accounts etc and he told me you can bug everything incl my car I don't have anything to hide anymore. I said we will see.

This morning he came home early so happy to have found himself and the true meaning of love. I told him that I needed to see his action plan for recovery as it's not going to be "yes Honey I'm taking you back and that simple." He said he will give it me and show it to me . At this point he thinks that taking a break and a vacation is what we needed.

I have not let my guard down yet and this he knows because I have trusted him twice and he's broken it hundreds of times.

BF

I know that it sounds bad this situation but I think that what he wanted to say is that what all of us here knows and that sometimes it's only when they move out and play the fdntasy of their life that they discover the reality and who really are important in their lives! So there's hope for the BSs whose WSs have moved out.

Thank you for that story. I am glad he came to his senses. How long was he moved out? In my situtaion I am 6 months pregnant. H wanted to say at our house for the baby and see the OW. I went to plan B one week ago. I have not talked to him. He emails me about mowing and that is it. I am moving on with the nursery and planning for my future. Any suggestions that worked for you during his time away? Did you talk to him or plan B.

Durham,

He moved out Apr. 12 but our situation is kinda different. His office is at home and he made me believe that he was moving out to think and clear his head. Didn't know that he wanted to give his A a chance so he'd come to the house every morning and stay until dinner as the OW leaves in the city which is about 45 mins away fr us and she goes to school M-Th fr 5-9 Pm so he had all the time in his hands to be with us til 7-7:30 Pm and leave and be in his apt and then call me.

I had no clue that it was his intention so while he's in the house I plan A'd to death and really no LBs at all ( I have conquered this a long time ago ) and I think this is one of the biggest impacts on him , seeing how loving and still supportive I am inspite of his moving out. (guess coz I have no clue)...which is why he kept it hidden from me bec. he already had the red flags from the OW he just wanted to confirm his fears and suspicions and he discovered all of them when he moved out.

I was never in Plan B bec my coach never recommended it either so it could be different in your case. I know it's hard on you with the baby and all but when he gets that lightbulb moment you will see he'll be there. If and when you talk just make it brief and make him do the chasing but remind him of the Plan B letter and what you require for him to come back.

Good luck and hugs to you!
BF

Hi BF

I went through a similar situation to yours. My Fiancee at the time was lying so much. I lb'ed and did all sorts of things that weren't good. I also settled for a lot of his foolishness because I didn't realize that he had intended to do what he had intended to do which was to be with the OW and I was making a mistake by not seeing the situation for what it really was.

I guess I was in denial. But you live and you learn so I don't count the whole experience a complete failure.

I would like to commend you for hanging in there and sticking to your ground. Doing a great Plan A and then allowing him to move out and seeing the truth of the matter for what it really is.
That would seem to have been a difficult decision to make. Especially deciding to do a good Plan A but also not LBIng and keeping your cool.

Oh and BTW, my fiancee used the tactic as yours of telling me he needed to have time apart from me because he needed to clear his head also.

I came to find out that he really was wanting time apart because he wanted to be with the OW.

He took for granted that he could have a rendevouz with her then come back to me. This is really when I should've kicked him to the SUper curb. As you indicated in your post they are really in the fog sometimes until they are forced to see the light of day.

You mentioned in your post that your told your fiancee that he needs a plan for recovery. Have you also designed a plan for what you would like to happen or how you would like for the both of you to move toward recovery? If so, have you shared it with him? Does he know what you expect, is actually what I'm asking?

I wish you the best and hope that everything will turn out in your favor. With some concentrated effort, as yours definitely seems to be, he may come around and recognize that the OW has to go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hold tight and keep on keepin' on.

Freetobe,

Thanks for sharing your story.

I actually need to vent right now after another waffling night when he's kinda taking back some of the things he's said. Oh boy, I know I should expect these things but I lost my cool and just told him how very very tired I am of putting my heart out in the streets for him to trample on everytime I give him a chance. I hang up on him over the phone twice last night (great LB) I know but I just felt this will never go away - even if he sees the OW probably screw another guy right in front of his face he'd still be in love with her. I said why don't you just go and marry her...etc..

I was so mad last night and still am today but after reading some of your responses I have to admit that I flipped out over something that is very human in nature. Oh it's so hard to be a saint!

He did say however that he wanted to talk to my coach to understand why he feels the way he feels so I might give him her number.

UGGGGHHHHH!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
There I'm feeling much much better.

My WH stopped by our home last night to pay bills. I am in Plan B so was not home. He left me a note that said: If you need anything or want to talk please call me. I guess he thought I would be there. I have no idea what that means but am not calling him. Plan B gives you quite a bit of control and makes you feel better about your life. Afterall, you can only control yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...even if he sees the OW probably screw another guy right in front of his face he'd still be in love with her...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So here's a thought for you all...

have you ever considered that one of the reasons OW (OP) can do anything, be any kind of person, and yet your WS still "loves" them, is precisely because they do NOT really love them?

think of a teenager's infatuation...is it "love"? most parents know the answer is NO...do they have blinders on? YES...will it end eventually? YES...but not if the parent keeps on nagging and harassing, etc.

let it go...

their standards for YOU are much higher because deep down, they care more about YOU...

does it make sense? NO...but it certainly is part of human nature...

we hurt those we love most...???
we treat those we've hurt with contempt and anger...???

as BS, we are learning NOT to do these kinds of things anymore...be patient...eventually your WS can also learn this about YOU!

cheers...awed

P.S. Durham...way to go!!! Keep your resolve to remain in Plan B...you need to do so for you and your M...

durham

I'm also pregnant. In a way it makes things harder. At least for me it has. My husband regrets what he did now, but I don't feel the same way. I'm not sure if it's that my love for him has died down.

You are doing a good job in plan B. It's a good thing you are not going to contact him even though his note says to do so. Keep strong until he wakes and smells the coffee.

Durahm,

Do you really have to allow him to come into your home?

By leaving notes in your home and in your mailbox he is ignoring your requirement that any necessary contact be done through intermediary.

This is something I have to get tougher on - no contact with WH unless through intermediary. I am tryign to figure out the logistics to make that happen from now on.

IMO Plan B has your WH pretty shook up already and is working pretty good so far. It will have an even bigger impact once he can't leave notes for you anymore and has to go through intermediary only.

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Betrayed Finace,

Some other reasons (besides ones already posted) why the fog-addled don't see OP's flaws:

They usually got into affair thinking it would be brief and never amount to anything permanent. So they aren't jugding OP's behavior the way they would a marriage partner.

They may be embarrassed to admit they are 'in love' with somebody so inferior, so they have to pretend the OP is wonderful.

This may also be part of reason why they don't want affair exposed to others - not just shame for having affair but also ashamed of who they got involved with (but pretending they aren't ashamed).