Not much new with me, a had a prior link going here but I seem to have lost it, kinda of like my formerly loving wife!

In Plan A with a wife who betrayed me in an affair. I've tried to get her to
end the affair, and go into counseling with me. No luck. When I bring the
subject up she begins to talk about how different we are and then brings
up my various faults, and blames the affair on me. She then quickly leaves the room.

My faults. I'm an introvert, somewhat of a couch potato. I enjoy intellectual
pursuits, she gets her kicks through social events. She is a party animal. For example, this last Saturday I spent the day reading a book and watching sports on TV. She laid out back by pool, talking on the phone planning her next event, sunning herself. According to her, this is proof that I am an
old man (50), and she is the young one (51) living the active life and how incompatible
we are. Yet, the day before I ran 6 miles as I like to get my exercise by jogging.
I run 4 times a week. I don't know many men my age who exercise as much as I do, and I don't get it, her new mate has a pot belly and a bald head, and can't walk up a hill without losing his breath! Believe me I'm no G.Atlas, but I'm not a sluggo. She complains we never go on trips, but in last 12 months we went on 2 cruises! HAH! Its not that at all. Its all smoke!

She is just looking for a way to rationalize and justify her backstabbing behavior. One thing I haven't done is told her MOM (the other Wife is informed) that she had an affair. I definitely wanted to follow the plan A guideline on this, but MOM is old near 80, on medication for heart, and she said it would kill her. So I'm not going to do it, Plan A or not!

Yes I'm an introvert of sorts, and she is the extrovert. In the past this has never been a problem because we sort of offset each other, when I was too laid back, her efforts pumped me up, and when she was going overboard I'd pull her back to reality, now it’s nothing but a problem to her, she has found her true love in an extrovert, more like her 1st husband.

We live in separate worlds now, sharing the house. Kind of like a Plan A/B-1. My son (18) has a room at home and is just completing his first year in college. Its civil, between us, no yelling or
screaming, but it looks impossible to rebuild. I want to reconcile but each day
I live with her, I lose respect and I coming to the realization that maybe I don’t love her anymore..she definitely is an Alien. While she doesn't want to work on our marriage via a 3rd party counselor she is perfectly willing to live with us in the house INDEFINITELY as roommates. BIZZARE thinking, it could work, but that’s not for me. What kind of fraud would that BE! Most of her friends in the neighboorhood don't have a clue of what goes on and think she is MS. FAITHFUL. What a hit that would be on her reputation. One friend I informed about the A, couldn't believe my wife was capable of it, and lost all respect for her.

I plan to file for divorce in a couple of months if the my PLAN A advances keep getting shot back in my face, and long term find another mate more compatible with me. My son and I plan to buy a house and live together near his school which is a little further commute for me to work, but not much. Its a nice area, with a golf course and I like to play golf with my friends. I'm not going to make any sudden changes in my job or try to do anything radical, I look forward to the day when I can share my life in peace & harmony with somebody again and stop being told how bad I am by a cheating backstabbing wife.

I am sorry for your pain. She will look back and not believe she did this. Please keep reading here. It can work out, but you may need to go to plan b if she doesn't end the affair. Only you know how much you can take. I am a female BS, some of the guys will give you great advice here.

Keep reading about needs and Plan A if you can. Give yourself a deadline, if she will not give up the OM, see an attorney and go to plan B.

I know how much this hurts. Sounds like an emptynest MLC for her. Jersey Girl

By the way, is he married? If so, maybe you should call his wife and let her know. JMHO, but this could be a huge LB.

Yes he is married, I know him well, and I called his wife to inform her the very night I found out. She already knew. I haven't talked to him though, don't really want to, he is a total slime ball disguised as your buddy. He basically injected himself in my wife's life and stole her and in my complanency I didn't do enough to stop it. Maybe, had I done something, but my foot down about all the holly/jolly "friendship" activities they were doing, but I was blind! Does plan A advise I call the slime ball and object to his behavior and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay away from my wife? I don't think anything would helped by that.

BTW, ss there a index with all the code words I see in the postings here?

Thanks

A, OP, LB?

Hi ST,

Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes

It was taken from the Just Found Out board.

Hope this helps.

L.

<small>[ May 29, 2004, 01:13 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Dear Shock,

Are you familiar with Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend? I am studying the materials. Plan A does not mean being a total doormat. Cloud talks about Loving Confrontation.

I talked to a couple guys, over the years, whom I felt were getting too close to my wife. I just laughed in a shrill tone, to give them the idea that I was not wrapped to tight.

It sounds like you could use some boundaries with your wife. You don't need her full cooperation to get started. First thing is to check your own habits to see if you could find a way to be more considerate.

Your description of the situation is not delineatd in problem solving terms. You can go to MC by yourself, and invite W. I ended up in some marriage counseling sessions solo, so what? I used the time to advantage. Sometimes my wife came, sometimes she did not. Big Deal.

References to Boundaries:

BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE (1999), by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Available in Leather, ISBN 0-310-24612-1, Hard back: ISBN 0-310-22151-X, and Paper Back: ISBN 0-310-24314-9 (Soft Cover) Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530.

Boundaries in Marriage Workbook, Paperback, ISBN 0-310-22875-1.

Boundaries, Face to Face (2003) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

cloudtownsend.com
www.drhenrycloud.com
www.newlife.com

Boundaries Course Video, with Cloud and Townsend, comes with the Boundaries in Marriage, the Particpant's Guide and the Instructor's Guide.
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=1813624&sourceid=1500000000000000040820

Blessings

<small>[ May 29, 2004, 02:25 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Instead of going along with a plan A which does not seem to be working you should to do a 180 degree(www.divorcebusting com) that you are finally convinced that you need to move on with your life. See a lawyer and start separating your assets etc. and start looking for a buyer for the house. I would reinforce the image that you are moving on by telling her that you are releasing her from any marital obligation to you and at the same time will not have any obligation toward her.

Yosh,

Due to numerous complaints, I've reviewed your history of posts here at MB's Forums. You've not once started a topic, explained what your story is or particpated in marriage building. Not one single post have you made that mentions how to follow Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders principles - not one single post supporting the choice of marriage. Every single post you've made involves why people should separate, divorce, not follow Harley principles, etc.

I attempted to write to you previously, and your e-mail address was not valid. I turned off your posting privileges. I see that somehow you've returned. And I also see that you are still posting unhelpful, even anti-marriage sentiments.

You are no longer welcome here.

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Tempest ]</small>

Yosh, my plan A has been thus far been ineffective in the sense that it has failed to yield results yet, for now I'm staying positive, I have another month left to try, and then its plan D, in July. I've decided not to do a plan B. I plan to pick up and become more active in things away from home with other people including women - no affairs or sex mind you, but I want to get out more with interface lunches and such, and things after work, in groups. When I was younger golf was something I played 1-2 times a week, now I'm lucky to play once a month. I can pick that up now too. The small talk communications link between my wife and I is pretty good, even as she remains in contact with OP. I don't yell or scream, I'm 100% on an even keel and plan to stay that way, even when she hits my hot buttons by being critical. This I know, I'm not responsible for my wife's affair she is, and she is not going to be sucessfull in pawning off her guilt onto me and making my life miserable. I'm going to be smiling and ultra happy at home, whistling and such, acting like I don't have a care in the world. I'm working on changing my attitude not her's right now and I'm 100% certain I'll come out this just fine. Thanks.

Dear Shock,

One idea in Divorce Busting is that the wayward spouse often has the idea that the faithful spouse will not change. By demonstrating an ability and willingness to change, you help save your marriage.

Yosh seemed to be helpful, at least in this post, with his Divorce Busting suggestions. Here are some more references:

Website: divorcebusting.com
MB Thread on 180 Degree Divorce Busters


Stop Divorce Website
Stop Divorce website

You have not really described your relationship in terms of the MB Emotional needs. If you have not recently reviewed the MB articles and questionaires, you might gain some insights.

MB Emotional Needs:

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

You may be wise to review your situation with an attorney, to see what options you have for maximizing power in potential civil suits. Have you considered a suit for alienation of affection? What types of proof are required to win? To avoid dismissal on a Motion to Dismiss? Sometimes filing a lawsuit that cannot be won, but cannot be dismissed, can create an atmosphere, over a period of several months, that is helpful in negotiating a more favorable compromise, or de-facto win.

Blessings,

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 01:00 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Talked to an CA attorney, it will cost me about 4k for a divorce, I'll have to give up 1/2 of all (assets - liabilites) plus I'll have to pay supposal support of about 2.5k per month. Since we were married for 20 years, this support can go on indefinitely unless she gets married. Looks like I'm going to pay up the nose even though I didn't cheat, she did. I sure hopes she comes to her senses and accepts my Plan A offer, this will be quite a financial setback for me if we eventually divorce. New low for me tonight.

Dear Shock,

I am sorry that I am part of the reason for your despair, in that I did suggest talking to an attorney.

Yet that makes the $68.00 for the Bounadries materials look cheap.

Loving confrontation is what Cloud preaches. If your wife is cheating on you, then you need to work on your marital boundaries.

I am working on Boundaries, so If you want to talk about the 6 types of conflict, and the 10 Laws which apply to the 6 types, post back. Discussing how to nakd Boundaries work is hlpful. Do a serch on the MB site for Boundaries, and you will see that a number of other poster's have high regard for Boundaries.

Have you read the Love Diet? That really turned my marriage around. Your descriton of the differences between your wife and yhourself, indicate to me, taht you are not finding ways to apply the Love Diet. I try to contact my wife 3 times a day with sweet nothings. Can you post your list of sweet nothings? Her is TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN's Garage of References. Cehck out hte Love Diet, At Least. Love Diet and TOOMUCHCOFFEMAN'S Suggested Resources

Blessings

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 10:15 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>