WELL I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS AND MY HUSBAND TOLD ME IN DEC 1998, THAT HE HAD AN AFFAIR IN SEPT 1995. WE WENT THROUGH COUNSELING WITH OUR PASTOR'S WIFE,AND WE HAD BEEN DOING MUCH BETTER. EVEN THOUGH I STILL THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. <BR>MY HUSBAND IS IN THE MILITARY AND HE HAS A LOT OF FEMALE FRIENDS AND HE USED TO HANG OUT IN THE BARRACKS A LOT, EVEN THOUGH HE'S STOP. WELL MY PROBLEM IS TRUST. I ASKED HIM REPEATEDLY DID HE HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH THIS OW,AND HE SAID NO, REPEATEDLY. THEN HE ALL OF A SUDDEN CONFESSED BECAUSE HE SAID THAT HE FELT GUILTY. THE LYING IS WHAT HURT ME MOST.BUT WE HAD BEEN DOING BETTER. I ACTUALLY FELT MY LOVE FOR HIM BEING RENEWED.AND THEN YESTERDAY, AS I WAS LOOKING IN OUR TRUNK OF THE CAR, I FOUND A PICTURE OF HIM AND ANOTHER GIRL. SHE WAS STANDING, HE WAS KNEELING, AND HE HAD HIS HEAD BETWEEN HER LEGS AT HER CROUCH AREA, IT LOOKS BAD, EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE DRESSED. HE SAYS THAT NOTHING HAPPENED, THEY WERE JUST JOKING AROUND AND THAT THEY WERE DRINKING AND HAVING FUN. I FIND THIS VERY DISRESPECTFUL. THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN IN AUG 1997,in the military, soldiers have lots of single friends and he was in his friends room in the barracks, i was home at the time, AND OF COURSE HE IS SAYING THAT IT SHOULDN'T HURT ME BECAUSE IT WAS ALMOST THREE YEARS AGO.<BR>I DON'T APPRECIATE HIM HIDING IT, WHY WAS HE EVEN KEEPING THE PICTURE. HE SAYS THAT HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HER, OR ANYONE ELSE.BUT HOW CAN I BELIEVE HIM? HE LIED TO ME FOR THREE YEARS.HOW DO I KNOW THAT HE WON'T COME TO ME IN TWO YEAR'S AND CONFESS THAT HE ACTUALLY DID HAVE SEX WITH HER? IT'S HARD TO TRUST HIM.DO I STEP OUT IN FAITH AND JUST TRUST HIM. HOW CAN I GET TO THAT POINT, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I AM ABOUT TO WALK OUT ON OUR MARRIAGE BECAUSE I AM AFRAID THAT HE IS LYING TO ME. I AM TOTALLY CONFUSED ABOUT EVERYTHING. IF ANYONE HAS ADVICE PLEASE HELP. HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE OR TRUST SOMEONE WHO IS A LIAR? IS IT POSSIBLE??? <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by tchoun (edited January 10, 2000).]

I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I know that you must be confused and in a lot of pain. I can not offer you any advice on how to trust again. I think that just comes with time. It would be hard to tell if that picture really means anything, but I agree that it is disrespectful to you. Where were you when it was taken? Keep us posted and I hope someone here can help you with the trust thing. As I said above I believe that it just comes with time. <BR>Nancy

Welcome <B>tchoun</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>First off...<BR><B>Turn off your CAPS LOCK...</B>... Typing in all caps is hard to read... and is used when you want to <B>yell</B> in print.<P>Here is a traditional welcome wagon spiel I put together...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! If you are lacking trust in your H... you need to be looking only at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>As far as the "trust" issue goes... Dr. Harley has an simple <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Trust is the belief that our spouses will be honest with us and will protect our feelings. (page 158 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Counsling is a good idea... Counselors that understand and/or promote the principles of Dr. Harley can be searched out!<P>If you get the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>, you'll get a lot of insight on this and other issues.<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 10, 2000).]

I just need to tell you one thing do not do an early return of dependents if you are far from "home" I did and it is making it He** trying to work anything out. if you are not told(like me I had no clue) you have a choice if you want to go or not.<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> LMS20ish@cs.com <P><BR>

I just wanted to tell you that I understand how it feels to question trust. My husband had an internet affair two months into our marriage. The only way I found out about it was confronting OW then questioning him. What hurt the most is catching him in the lie and watching him try to convince me that nothing happened. It has been almost a year since that incident and I have still only 75% of the trust back. He's upset at me that I don't trust him. I tell him that's what he gets for betraying me and he responds by telling me its getting old. I guess he just doesn't understand that it hurt me tremendously to the point where I question his every move and that him loving me doesn't heal all wounds. To be honest, there isn't much you can do personally (ie. set rules) that will gain the trust back. Some things I've learned I had to let go and realize that it doesn't mean anything- its just for fun however, he also has to realize that you have feelings to and his behavior has a direct link to your feelings and actions. If he loves you and more importantly respects you, there are certain actions he will stop doing. We always can't say "oh yes honey, I understand it means nothing...you go right ahead and do what you want with whomever, just as long as I know you still care and love me". I'm sorry, that just doesn't cut it.