Whew! I just spent almost an hour panning back to try to understand all of the hubbub that's gone down around here lately. Sad. But, actually I'm not at all shocked. Surprised it doesn't happen around here more, considering how deep and strong the emotons surrounding our situations are. <P>Truth is, all of us need more life lessons dedicated to teaching us how to treat others (especially those we love) in a kinder, more user friendly way. None of us would be here if this weren't true. I don't care who you are - betrayed, betrayer, innocent bystander. And the past few days is evidance of this. <P>Crap happens. People get mad and they fight. It happens here, it happens in REAL life. I'm not about to leave because of a few poor examples for human behavior. But I do have to say that as I stay here longer, my true feelings are going to start coming out more. I believe in honesty, and in toughlove. <P>Since I have been coming here (initially dragged here by Jason) I have posted from my heart and done my best to offer hope and support to those I felt I could reach. I plan to continue to do so, when it's not too draining and when I have time (a commodity in high demand and scant supply.)<P>In reading back, ohh there's sooo much I'd like to say in response to a few posts ... not all positive .. I'm trying to let it die .... If it ever so much as begins to come up again, I'm all over it, baby.<P>In closing I have to say I am both sad and happy that Unseen2 has decided to leave. I'm glad that he feels he's grown so much. I can see it in his eyes. He is a different man than even four months ago. I'm glad he was able to vent. But I can't count the times that reading someone else's posts on how horrible their cheating wife is did set him off into a depressed mood. That's only an effective way to cope for awhile. <P>He may have a thing or two to say still now and then. I think he just got sick of all the purile antics here. <P>So, I'm not gone, just busy and I have a life outside of MB ... THIS IS HEALTHY.<P>Khyra <P>

Hi, Khyra. I agree with you...honesty and tough love are something that I believe in wholeheartedly. And like you said, crap happens. It's kind of a universal thing, that crap. Be it constructive crap or destructive (should I be symboling c%#p?)<P>Stuff that comes from the heart can never be wrong. It's feelings, we all got 'em. But like you said, it's healthy to take a break. I'm not on here very often but I've learned so much from others experiences, like learning that stepping back from a negative experience (Plan A'ing in essence) and being nice usually turns things around when my H and I are starting to get in a tiff. Plan A has been very good to me. <P>Take care, wishing you and Jason the best.<P>

Thanks a bunch, Connor. As always, your support and level-headedness comes through.<P>K

Hi Khyra,<P>Nice post! I see it the same way. Suse and I have been here over a year now. Our marriage is so much more secure and solid than when we first arrived here. <P>But, the work's not done. It never is. We as individuals evolve and mature. Why shouldn't our marriage?<P>We're here because we get something out of investing our time. Obviously. That's why any of us do what we do. But, the rewards can be different for different people.<P>For Suse and I, it's twofold. One, we keep learning. Learning about ourselves, others, and "life". We also derive some deep satisfaction when our experiences help someone else. Sometimes, our own history of stupidity, stubborness, and fear can be the catalyst for change to avoid the dumb things we did. Then....we feel very good.<P>So...we'll be around as well. Maybe not posting every day...but around.<P>Take care.

Khyra -- Your post, while unfortunately timely, is one that may have to be brought back up to the top from time to time. I've been coming to this board fro over a year and posting for over 6 months. During my time here, I have seent his type of behavior occur on more than one occassion. In fact, I must admit that I too have fallen victim to the "heat of the moment" as well.<P>This forum is a place of learning and healing. It is alos a place of love and friendship. . .and as you and others have expressed so well, some times it is a place of very tender emotions.<P>I too tend to believe in tough love. I like to think of it more as realism, but that may just be a romantic fantasy.<P>I will be staying around for as long as I feel I am learning or am able to offer some type of help to others. So many here have shown me compassion, understanding and true friendship. I still have a lot to repay. . .<P>God bless

I'll second DMac & ES about being here... DMac & I find we "cycle" on & off the board repeatedly. Some of it is outside time pressures, some of it is feeling like we've already said everything nine ways from Sunday and have nothing new to add. But we lurk a bit to try to keep up, and eventually start feeling more refreshed and eventually a story pulls us in again. Those instances when either of us has felt we've been able to mentor someone a little, and help them through the mess, have been incredibly rewarding.<P>One of the really interesting things about both of us being on the board is that it has served as a catalyst for us to revisit and discuss *our* issues... we have done SO much talking and reviewing and refining of our thoughts over the last year, just by discussing things happening on the board. Even the "flare-ups" here have been helpful, as we've wound up discussing different personality types and the things *we* feel are important about living our life. I'll tell ya, it's been a real education! <P>I'd actually recommend joint posting by a H & W as a way to keep from sweeping residual feelings under the rug... "normalizing" talking about the affair instead of [censored]-footing around the fact that it happened forever... cleaning up loose ends, so to speak... and *helping* someone else who is going through it kind of makes things more right with the world somehow... brings some good out of bad. Karma! <P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by suse (edited January 16, 2000).]

Wow, am I glad to see I'm not the only one here who feels this way. I agree with Duncan - as long as I am recieveing something positive in return as well as being able to GIVE positives I plan to stay. I just can't come that often for above mentioned reason. <P>Empty, you too said something poigniant - you still have so much to give back. Me too! Even tho you technically don't "owe" anyone a thing, it's nice to be able to be there for those who have given to you in times of need. <P>Suse, I like what you said about this being a place to tie up loose ends - there still are a lot of 'em for us too. This helps me stay in touch with my feelings - I wonder if I left this place if i wouldn't be as in touch as I am today.<P>Thanks, guys, for all the input, it's wonderful to know someone cares what I think! <P>Carrie

Khyra,<P>I am struggling with finding a balance....the situations that took place on the board.....well, they happen, and coincidentally, I think, occured along with the exodus...although, I spent a good part of that night crying..thinking..why the he!! doesn't someone ever muzzle me?...felt guilty for days...regarding heartache...but I had to be true to myself, my ethics, and soul..I cannot sit by and sit on my hands....offending people is never my intention,...but well, like you, sometimes I have to stand up and open my big fat mouth...<P>for instance, heartache felt she had to leave....she would never feel secure here again...they could be lurking....i understand and can respect her decision...I also urged her to re-register and not fill out a profile, if this place meant as much to her as it did to me....each has their reasons....<P>I believe I am hiding from my life and marriage here...when I can find and apply a compromise and balance, I feel very strongly about returning....Deut and I would not be where we are without this place....I can honestly say this...but, my life is mess, and it's time to renovate!!!!!!<P>listen girl, that chat night was a blast!!!<BR>I had to pop my head in here on your thread to leave you my e-mail:<P>sacred_rain@yahoo.com...should you wish to use it...<P>take care of you, jason, and the little one to come....<P>Dylan

i've been doing this board for well over a year and see very few old timers. i find it harder and harder to find a message that moves me to respond. like someone else wrote, i've written everything i kmow from here to sunday, or whatever. <BR>i found this site when i was going through the turmoil of an affair, a separation, and couln't get enough of it. now, it's been over a year since i saw or spoke to my ow. my w and i have been living together now for 9 months. there are still some residual effects of the affair, she still asks me if i'm sure we're together and i still think of and even dream of the ow sometimes, but not very often. today, i was going through some boxes in the basement to strainghten some things out. i came across an old picture of us and her two sons. i looked at it for some time. i saw how attractive my w was then. i felt a sense of being fortunate for having her all these years. i'm feeling better now.<BR>i hope all of you do too.<BR>life is an endless road, rock on.

Dylan,<P>I applaud you for what you said in Heartache's situation. You stood as the rock she needed to lean on. You and Heart were (are) both in the right - your speaking up is something that draws me to your posts and to building a friendship with you. <P>Chat was fun, I hope we can keep that up. I'll bet Unseen will be back to chat eventually. <P>Franky, <P>I'm touched you thought to respond to my post, since you rarely do post. Thanks for supporting me. Usually, I feel inclined mostly to respond to betrayers, with a few exceptions, when I think I can help or want to be supportive. I do realize how very truly lucky I am, everyday.<P>Khyra

OOPS!<P>In y faultless wisdom, I have neglectd to mention that I too have been guilty of a few "purile" acts - I recall the argument I got into w/ my H on this board ...<BR> <P>Ok, you may now flogg and beat me mercilessly about the head and torso with bars of soap stuffed in smelly tube socks while I whimper silently ...<P>THE BEATINGS WILL NOW BEGIN .....<P>Khyra