I love my husband. He means the world to me. On the other hand I am having a hard time (to say the least) accepting his kids in OUR lives. Before we married I told him, I did not like that he had kids and I promised him that I never would. I never told him that I would accept his kids. Now this is what he wants.<P>Anyway after a fun filled weekend without the kids (they live with their mom and he gets them every other weekend) he told me on Monday that he really had a happy weekend with me. We rarely have a happy weekend. He asked me if I knew why. Although I felt that it was probably because we did not have the kids, I chosse to keep my mouth shut to "keep the peace."<P>Later that day, I told him that someone had asked me, if I knew what it would be like being married to man with kids would I have made the same decision. Without hesitation, I said NO WAY!<P>This man is truly my knight in shining armor. But dealing with his ex harassing me (as if I had something to do with their marriage) and whining kids and lack of money because of circumstances that he chose, NO having him in my life is not worth my sanity. Well I told him how I felt. <P>He then went on to tell me about my ex and how he cheated on me. (I don't know how this came up.) He then says would you have rather be with him? What all did he do FOR you? So I told him yes, I would rather have some control in my relationship. I can not control anything that deals with him. Since then he pretends that he is not angry about that, but he has been distant. I do love this man and I want to make a fair compromise, but as far as I am concerned, my emotional needs are not being met and it will be VERY difficult for him to meet them having his kids in the picture. I am not asking him to leave his kids, but I have needs. I want to be honest with him, but not hurt his feelings. IS ther hope for us?

When you marry a man with kids, you have to accept the "whole package". Did you spend any time with his kids before you two got married? I hate to say this, but you will never be totally "rid of" his children. He is their father and as such, has responsibilities toward them. What kind of a person would he be if he DIDN'T want anything to do with his own children?<P>Maybe some family counselling would be in order here. A person with children comes to you as a "unit" - like it or not. I know this is not what you wanted to hear.

I never had intentions of "accepting the whole package" and I was VERY clear on that when I married him. These are his kids, which have nothing to do with me. Yes, I did spend time with these kids. They are young and happy, wonderful children. I am not asking him to not be a part of his children's lives. They deserve to have a father, I do realize that. But I also deserve to have a husband. My emotional needs are not being met, because of his children. <P>Can there be a fair compromise? I have tried all that I know. I am always the one with the short end of the stick. I am trying to meet his needs, but he can't try to meet mine. Yes, he met my needs before we were married. Now, his ex is constantly giving him problems and he can't meet mine. I can not do all the work here. I love him. But as I said earlier, I was having a good day when someone asked if I would do it again. NO WAY! But, I did mean for better or for worse, but it is not getting better. <P>We have been to counseling. His children love me. I don't feel the came way for them because of what they are taking FROM me. I am trying to build a marriage, but it just seems that I we are all tearing it apart.

How long have you been married?<P>I believe you both married with unrealistic expectations. You are literally asking him to choose between you and his children, a virtually impossible task for a parent.<P>We have primary custody of my two daughters from a previous marriage, and his son, also from a previous marriage. Do we pull our hair out sometimes? Yep. Do we SOMEtimes wish things were different? Yep. <P>I'm trying to imagine what your unfulfilled needs are, with your H having visitation only every other weekend. What is missing?<P>I do understand the frustration of having a meddling Ex. It seems there's no end to the lengths they will go just to cause trouble!<P>Tell us some more. We'll try to help.<P>Laura

Thank you so much for your concern and advice. My husband and I met before his divorce was official. So when we met, I told him how I felt, good and bad. I figured he was just a friend so why not tell him, I hate to be with guys who have kids. After 8 months of our dating we became seriuos. He still had no divorce papers (his ex requested more and more from him which is why it took so long). <P>Before he was having to pay child support, he bought diapers and clothes for the kids and whatever else they needed. Also his ex, was not allowing him to see the kids. (She did not have to because there was no order for her to do so.) <P>So, he bought things for me and spent time with me. I enjoyed that. When his divorce was final, he began to see his kids. When they were around, intially, I stayed away. I did not want to be bothered. I only started to spend time with them when I saw that it hurt his feelings. (I LOVE children, just not his and that hurt him.) I told him I would try. His kids fell in love with me. <P>Anyway, now that he is paying child support, he has very little left for me. And even though he was buying things for the kids before the divorce was final that did not matter, he had to give her back chils support for those months before the divorce also. <P>I bring home four times more money than my husband. First of all that is not fair. He did choose to have kids. But again he is offended that I wish to spend my money on children in my family and none on his. <P><BR>The two of us filled out the emotional needs questionairre. I need financail support (I support both if us), Conversation (whenever we try to solve a problem about his kids we only argue),and domestic support. <P>His kids affect all of these things whether they are physically present or not. I love this man. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But I am tired of not having my needs met. His needs must be met also. But what I have tried to explain to him is that in order for him to have an attrative spouse, he has to be able to give me money to get my nails done and my hair done. I love him, but I am tired of sacrificing for him and I get nothing in return. Loving kids other than his is different for me. I don't feel anything with his. I get excited whenever someone brings their child to see me. I dread knowing that his are coming. I know that sounds cruel. My husband does all that he can, but it is just not enough.

kd31700,<P>I read you post and am very confused. You say you bring home 4 times what your H does. You then say he is spending too much money on his kids. If his child support is taking half of his salary, then you still bringing home twice what he is.<P>Then you say you need money to have your nails done, etc. but he isn't supporting you. <P>You then say <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>So, he bought things for me and spent time with me. I enjoyed that. When his divorce was final, he began to see his kids. When they were around, intially, I stayed away. I did not want to be bothered. I only started to spend time with them when I saw that it hurt his feelings. (I LOVE children, just not his and that hurt him.) I told him I would try. His kids fell in love with me. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>You also said you didn't like being with men who had children. But you LOVE children, but not his.<P>Are you confused? I sure am. <P>Given that I am very confused, I will just make a stab in the dark based on what you said and then you can correct me OK? <P>Your problem is jealousy. You H spends time with the children that you want with him. He must deal with Ex and that really bothers you. You are bring up other issues to avoid the real issue that will make you look bad.<P>Now if any of this is true, then let me say there can be no compromise on jealousy, you own all of it. Second, if jealousy is not the issue, then how can he compromise on the children and the child support. Both are mandated and all he can do is give up seeing the children.<P>Now is the issue that you DON'T LOVE children, you just tolerate them? <P>You see I am not here to condem however you feel. Maybe some of what you feel isn't warrented, and needs to change but the first thing that has to happen for anything to improve is that you be honest with yourself.<P>You asked about being honest with H about how you feel, but from reading this post, it seems that you haven't really been honest with yourself. If you need to be kept in a financial situation where all of your income is for you to spend on whatever you want, rather than helping support your spouse, then you need to be honest. It isn't going to happen in this marriage.<P>If your need is full time and attention from H rather than H spending time with children, then it seems unlikely that will happen.<P>If your need is to never to have children around because they "mess up" things, then it is never going to happen.<P>If all those are true, then I wonder why you married the man in the first place. You are probably wondering the same thing.<P>So before any real honest suggestions can be made to you, you need to really evaluate what is bugging you and why. If it is primarily the ex being a real jerk, then perhaps something can be done. But you need to decide a few things before we can offer you any concrete advice or for that matter before your H has a chance to help meet your needs.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited October 05, 2000).]

kd--<P>I've been thinking about your situation. My response isn't sugar-coated, I hope you don't mind. <P>I must admit, when I read further, I thought whew, this is one selfish, frivolous sounding lady! I mean, to fuss about professional hair and nail styling versus her H doing what he HAS to do for his kids....<P>But then, I was refreshed by your honesty. We ALL feel selfish at times. <P>Your situation started without an accurate picture of life with the kids. Your H was able to lavish all his attention on you. Who wouldn't like that. Now, with your H's divorce finalized, child support and visitation set, thus enters the "real world!" Vastly different, isn't it? But surely you had an inkling that things would change.<P>Jumping to another thought (sorry), you relate comments made by your H, and your first marriage. Sounds like whatever conversation technique you used put him on the defensive. His question was would you rather be back in that situation (instead of with him)? Yes, your answer hurt your H. He probably felt defeated and didn't hear the REASON you gave him. He heard that you don't want to be with HIM. <P>Well, now...what can your H do to make you happy? You DO make more money than him--defeat; you like kids but not HIS kids--defeat; he has to divide his time between you and the kids, AND all the other have-to's in life and you don't like it--defeat; you twist a personal want (hair, nails) into being one of HIS needs for an attractive spouse--defeat.<P>I honestly do not understand how you expect to make a marriage work in light of your refusal to cooperate. Yes, I read your complaints and your H probably CAN do more to help. But do you realize he might be laden with resentment toward you himself? My H has learned, the quickest way to upset me is to knock my kids. And I've learned the same lesson, his son is a PART of him. Maybe it's easier in our situation since we are blending a family with kids on both sides, more empathy. But like it or not, that's what you ARE...a family. I would imagine it's crushing to your H to hear how you want to spend money on other kids in the family, but not his (who are also now yours)? Wow. <P>I submit to you...your emotional needs are not being met because of YOU. Not his children. You are pouring your resentment onto their little heads. And onto your H's head. How about trying a different perception here? And instead of bemoaning a past situation, ACCEPT and BETTER your current situation? <P>Yes, your needs ARE very important. And so are HIS, JUST as important. Can you both sit down and express your feelings calmly, ACCEPTING that they are the way they are, and FIND a compromise? Just your way doesn't cut it, and just his way doesn't either. Find the together-way. <P>(And when you successfully find your together-way, could you send ME some tips?) <P>Oh, one more thought (then I'll hush!). I think you might resolve a lot of your own resentment toward his earnings figure if you both consider it "our" money, and quit thinking of finances separately. <P>Laura<p>[This message has been edited by Lucks (edited October 05, 2000).]