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My husband and I have been having small problems now for about a year.... Since the first of Jan. they have become worse and I am afraid I am going to loose him. I have an anger problem and I also have lots of trouble communicating what I really want to say to him. I don't know what to do. He says he doesn't know now if it can be fixed and I really don't want to loose my marriage. He is the love of my life and I can't image spending one day without him by my side. Most of our problems seems to be he says I am too hateful and he is afraid to be around me. I don't mean to be grouchy towards him and I have tried perfusely (excuse the spelling) to apologize to him over the past few days. I never knew the problem was this bad til now.... Now he says its too late. What do I need to do? Any advice at this point would be appreciated. I do love him with all my heart and don't want our 10 year marriage to end this way. I never want it to end. We were so happy in the beginning and now we are like two people who just live in the same house. I don't know what to do or which way to turn. HELP!

Catbird --<p>Welcome to MB -- I see this is your first post with us. Make yourself at home; it's a good place to come for suggestions and advice and just to have some ears to listen to you. <p>You may want to repost your message over in the General Questions II forum--it's a lot more active and you'll get more feedback. <p>I hear your pain and confusion; it's hard to know which way to go at this point for you. I suggest that you get into counseling ASAP to work on anger management and communication issues. But that may not be quick enough for you, even though you'll get some skills early on to help-- Individual counseling and maybe joint counseling. You can even counsel by telephone right here.<p>Your H is incorrect; it's not "too late." A ten- year marriage is a sizeable investment and needs to be tended to like a garden, not left to go to weeds. You want to work on this problem, does he? Will he be by your side as you and he go through this process of recovery? <p>Read the excellent advice already here for you on this website. Read the MB Dicussion Forums: General Welcome for all New Builders, if you haven't already. Get to know the great resources here. Read the Plan "A" stuff to get a good direction and focus with your thinking. It's about making yourself better while meeting the EN's (Emotional Needs) of your partner = a solid way to go. <p>You sound worried right now but you need to understand that this is all fixable, especially since the escalation started only back on Jan 1. You're doing the right thing by seeking some help and support now rather than later--we're here for you. <p>Please post again and tell us how you're doing. We care...<p>Ammon

Thanks for your reply..
I just learned that he has been talking to her on the net since November and now he says he is in love with her and can't work on our marriage cause he can't love us both at one time. He started packing his things lastnight and I guess he will be moving out today. I tried to talk to him and even though I'm not sure why, begged him to stay and try to work on it. The funny thing is I love him enough to work on the situation and even forgive him for being with her. He just doesn't want me to. He doesn't care about me or our marriage anymore so I guess It is over.....<p>Thanks for your advice. I wish I had found you guys sooner.<p>Pray for me that God will help me deal with this appropriately.

catbird --<p>I'm very glad that you've found this board and you can be certain that we'll help you all we can. <p>You have to hang in there. You cannot see the total picture at this point; you don't know what's around the corner. Things look bad right now but continue to hope and to pray and to love him and work on what you can. You can't control him anyhow; you can control only yourself, so that's what you work on. Counseling for you will help not only you but potentially your relationship = a win/win thing. Read the Plan "A" material here on this site (as I suggested before). <p>My thoughts: He's not "in love" with OW; I know it and you know it but he thinks he is, so he's acting on it for now. Actually, I agree with him that he can't (won't be able to) work on your marriage while he's involved with OW. His statement about "can't love both at one time" is generally how these things work (even though he's not in love with OW). When and if he gets clear of the affair, physically and emotionally, then he can get reinvolved with you and your marriage, but usually not until that time. <p>So, it's a waiting game of sorts for you but you can't sit idle. This is the time to work on yourself and get some of your anger and grouchy issues addressed.<p>Of course you love him and want him to stay and work on things with you. You say, "He doesn't care about me or our marriage anymore so I guess It is over....." Remember that you're involved now in a process and it has to run its cycle, play itself out. Today, that's what things look like; tomorrow...? Today he doesn't care about your marriage or you. Today it looks like it's over. You don't know the outcome here. My experiences have been that it's far too early in the process to be able to say anything concrete or definitive. I'm not trying to give you false hope, but a more realistic view of the whole picture--which isn't complete yet. <p>It's very hard to know what to do or what the "right" thing is. I'm glad that you want to forgive him and the A so you can free yourself and move on but, as you said, he doesn't want to hear that right now. His attentions are elsewhere and he thinks that your forgiveness doesn't matter, but it does, for you and for him (he just doesn't know it yet).<p>Read all you can here about how these things generally go. Most A's are dead within 6 months, either dying a natural death or one participant ends it. Could you hang on that long--or longer? None of this will be easy or pleasant, in fact, it will be very painful and traumatic. Is your marriage worth that pain? I'm trying to get through exactly what you're going through and I'm still hanging in since my d-day back in August. My W's A began last spring so I'm already over the average time limit. Things don't look like they're going to work out for me in my case but you're too early to tell. <p>Please post again soon; I'm concerned and want to help. I'll be on and off this board most of the day and into the evening. Remember, your H is in the "grass is always greener over there" phase, but we both know that that is rarely the case. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong.<p>Ammon

catbird --<p>Two additional thoughts:<p>First, Let's get your initial post moved over to the General Questions II forum; you're not getting any responses here in this forum except mine. Do you know how to repost this over there?--Copy it here and paste it in the GQII "Post New Topic" screen.<p>Second, unfortunately I am not surprised that there is an OW (albeit internet) in the picture. All too often, when relationship problems like you've described are present, the reason is an EMA--the A isn't the cause of these problems, but a symptom of them. Now that you know about your H's A, you can begin to work on the issues that you and he have identified, even if he's not working with you. <p>I feel your pain and turmoil and I'm sorry for you. Nobody should have to go through what we're going through for any reason. I do care...<p>Ammon

Catbird --<p>Haven't heard from you for awhile, so I thought I'd check in to see how you're doing. <p>Hope things are going better for you. Please know that I'm still here if you want to chat or vent or something...<p>Let me know how you are. I'm concerned about you...<p>Ammon