Hello All, This is my first post, and this is somewhat hard for me. It has been almost 2 years since my H dropped the bomb on me. And he dropped it on me on our 6th wedding anniv. of all days. He said he started talking to the OW because he needed someone to talk to; well I had been trying to talk to me for years about the weather, work, sports, animals, stars........etc.....you name it.
He shut me out a few years after we were married. Well, I guess my question is...how do I stop hating him (at times) for what he has done? We are Christians and I know I HAVE to forgive him, and I have, but some days it is all I can do just
to be with him, it some times makes me sick to look him in the eye, some times I'd just like to spit in his face. We did go to counseling for 6 months, but it was so expensive. It did do some good. He gets very mad now if I question him about the possibility of another A, he thinks I can just get over and things go back like they used to be, NOT!!!! Can any body offer me some advice? It would be much appreciated.

Get the book 'Surviving an Affair' from Hartley. It has helped me significantly in being able to put things behind. It takes time though. It has been more than 3 years for me. I finally feel recovered. Even if your Husband is unwilling to work with you, the book will help. My wife wasn't very involved in my recovery, so much of it I did on my own. She would get very angry at the mention of it as well. There is a recovery forum that has lot's of help as well. The most important thing is that it takes time. The hard part about forgiving is that it's not just a matter of forgiving the original A. It's also a matter of forgiving all the injury that the A causes. It's easy for the WS to understand and take responsibility for the A. It's much harder for them to understand and take responsibility for the internal injury that the A causes in their spouse.<p>The good news is that you can recover with or without this. Counseling is expensive, books are cheap. There's another that's highly regarded called "Torn Asunder". My wife and I are still working through a lot of problems. But the anger relating to the A and the terrible feelings associated with it are pretty much gone. At this point, I have to put forth a LOT of conscious effort to get emotional about it at all. I never imagined that to be possible even after 2 years.<p>Have you talked together about any kind of plan that addresses the issues that led up to the affair? You can avoid discussing the actual affair and focus on things that caused the seperation allowing it to happen.

I know how hard it is. I've been thru it twice, for the same affair. Except my H lied for 6 years about it, so I have to face it again. Back then, he had what he called an EA with my former best friend. It was awful and resulted in a 9 mo separation, him almost losing his business (her H was H's partner), etc. I thought I couldn't get any lower. We ended up back together, had lots of counseling, prayer, etc. I thought it was okay.<p>Then last summer I found out in counseling that they had both lied (to protect themselves and each other). It was sexual, including making out at our office and MY BED which breaks my heart. He also wants it to be 'all better' since he's had 6 years to work thru it. I've had 8 mos and am very resentful. I had to stop taking the antidepressants that were helping me when I got pregnant. <p>It helped him somewhat when he read "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com to see that I had to express my feelings and he had to see it. this helps to prevent future affairs also. I like the book Torn Asunder a lot also. <p>I don't have any easy answers. Don't let $ stand in the way of counseling. We have spent $5000 thru the years on it and it's well worth it. We are on a very limited budget but I figure it's cheaper than a divorce! Good luck...I feel for you