My husband and I have been separated for 3 weeks. It all stems from my infidelity two years ago....(a one nighter, which I had planned to be the end of my marriage...I was so frustrated). My husband said he forgave me almost immediately, but has held resentment the whole time, causing him to bring this up over and over in argument. Although I told him EVERYTHING including the most sickening details, his friends do nothing but feed him lies, which I can not defend myself from.... Two weeks before he left the house, he mentioned that he did not want to wake up one day and hate me. He also stated that he did not want to just stay together out of obligation. We love each other,I know....During this separation, I have realized my shortcomings in this marriage and before, and have taken responsibility for my flaws and errors. My fear is that he has not.
My husband and I have talked, and want to work this out, but I don't have the tools that I need to have to deal with this on my own. I want him, but am afraid that I will be subjecting myself to emotional abuse if he doesn't come to terms with what I did, and get past it. I am in counselling, but he is not into that idea. My husband is now thinking about coming home, which I want, but we need so much work......I realize I haven't given up much information in this post, but this is long story....I just need some sort of guidance from someone who has been there....I need some suggestions on how we set up a game plan to continue our marriage and heal....Things will never be the same, but niether of us want it to be...however, rewriting the rules after 11 yrs is a daunting task....Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Hi. I just wanted to reply real fast to your post. I think that its great that you want to make your marriage still work. I am on his end of a similar situation. we were together 10 yrs. I found he cheated..we are now divorced. but....we do still love each other so we have tried to make it work. problem is that he lost all trust with me and I cant get over the feelings of resentment from his actions behind my back. I havent yet figured out how to get thru those feelings...but I know now that I should have dealt with the feelings before going back to the situation. I jumped back in with my eyes closed and cant stand to be in his presence because of the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish it would go away...but maybe that is something your husband needs to get worked through in order for you guys to be a family again too? just my thoughts on it. anything is possible if you both want it ...but sometimes time is the thing that will heal the situation. Love, if it's real love...will never go...so just try giving it a little time. the worst thing is if he comes back and he is miserable...(been there) because he wont be able to give himself to you completely because of the walls that are up. good luck sweetie!

Hi JennNLarr11,

Sounds like you started to do what was needed and that was to be honest with him. As bad as it may sound to you or as sickening as it may be, that is part of the healing for him.(the questions) You need to be honest, up front and put on your battle gear(not really) but expect this type of behaviour by him.

A concern, actually a couple. You said you planned this one nighter? What kind of problems were you going through to get this point? An affair will never solve any problem, even the largest. The other concern was that you also sound like your are blaming your husband for not responding. How much did you talk when this happened? or Did you expect him to just get over it?

You say that he forgave you immediately but what did that all detail? I know that in my own case, I forgave my wife constantly and still do. I believe that there are different types or levels of forgiveness and hopefully will reach that point of the all out "I completely and totally forgive you", but this could be a long way away. Holding on to resentment is something I am still dealing with and yes it does bring up the bad memories easily. He will need to get to a counselor soon. He may also be in withdrawal himself and not wanting to deal with it. You will need to read up on this site and how to Plan A.

It sounds like you have a start on your game plan already. Read as much as you can without pressing it on him. Slowly bring him into it. Realize that he may be going through quite a bit. Keep posting here with questions and venting and give some more info so we may all help you.

Thank you for your replies. Now would be a good time for me to explain my situation more fully. My husband and I have had a very rough road. We were married for less than 2 weeks when my husband's ex wife dropped their two boys on our doorstep and left. I have had custody of them with my husband for 9 yrs, and although that was difficult to accept, I have loved these boys like they were my own.
When I met my husband, I was independent, and felt good about myself. As the years have gone by, my self esteem has been all but destroyed, and his drinking and choosing his drinking buddies over me and our family, proved to be devastating to me. At the time that I had this one night stand, we were on vacation. Just the two of us, with a large group of his friends. One of my closest and dearest friends was in the same town, unplanned, and met us at a restaurant. She turned to my husband, and said, "you are so lucky. Your wife is such a great person." My husband returned her comment with a shrug of the shoulders, and a "whatever". There I sat, with my dear friend, and the man who turned out to be the other party in my infidelity. He sat there stunned at what my husband had just done, and I just smiled...this was the way I had felt in our marriage. Unappreciated, and insignificant.
At that moment, I decided I could not go back to that way of life. I would do the one thing that would make my husband never want me again...I would cheat. My self esteem was so low, that I felt i had to butcher myself and my reputation to get this man out of my life forever. Under no uncertain terms, infidelity would be the last nail in the coffin of out marriage....my husband had told me that for the past 9 yrs of our marriage, so i believed that to be true.
Immediately after it happened, i had regret. I could not bear to accept that that would be how I would end this marriage. The other party in the cheating, said, "then go to your grave with what happened. Find another way to end it, and I will never speak a word of what happened".
The next morning, while this person was on a job site with numerous other acquaintences of my husband, he began spouting off, saying that we had sex, and that I was going to leave my husband for him, and come north to live with him. At this same time, I was driving home with a husband who was vowing to make things better, and that he wanted so much more from our marriage....I planned to go to my grave with what had happened....almost immediately following that conversation, H's cell phone began to ring. Four days after the infidelity, I came clean to my husband, knowing that this was the end....Husband left, and 20 minutes later, came back...saying that he forgave me, because people make mistakes, and he loved me. For the next several months, we talked, cried, and talked some more. This was two years ago.
Since then, the stories have circulated, including all of the embellishments that were created that morning on that job site 300 miles from my home. Shortly after the incident with me, the man I cheated with, left the company due to harrassment from my H's friends, and left town with a rental car and lots of money from the cashbox. The boss began calling my husband, and trying to rile him up and anger him into confronting, and beating down this other man.....all to avenge the company's owner...this proved to be too much for my husband to handle, and he rehashed everything, stating that other things happened that I did not come clean about, including two other sexual encounters that weekend. I was stunned, but could not defend myself. My only peace is that I know I told him every horrific detail. My husband's basis for leaving was that I was not completely honest with him. He has been drinking a great deal since, but has been leaning towards returning home.
My concern is that he has not come to grips with the drinking, and the neglect over that last years. We were both ignorant in this marriage, but if I am willing to forgive his drinking, and lack of priorities, the slate should be clean on both sides......Just last night he mentioned what happened 2 yrs ago. I told him that that marriage is over, and when he is ready, we can work on this new one.....until then, there is no point in discussing this further.
I have definate expectations here, but number one, is the well being of my children and myself. Stability is my number one priority for all of us in the home...I have all four kids...two step, and two biological, while he plays both sides of the fence...I am in no hurry to go anywhere, and will continue to work on my kids....TOLD YOU THIS WAS A LONG STORY! Thanks for "listening"

oooooooook- I am confused on the message boards- how do I see if anyone has ''answered'' me? and what/where is Plan A? I absolutely can't pay for phone or any other counseling... I have the questionaires about EN/LB etc...printed out -how do I use them? please help- Tillie1960@aol.com

In reading what you had to say in many ways I felt as if you were telling my story. I had an affair on my H for 6 months,I ended it just over four months ago. I also was very honest with my husband every step of the way,he chose to stay. It has been a very difficult road for both of us and I know that it will continue to be quite bumpy for a long time. I have learned to accept that it is going to take a long time to hopefully heal all the pain and distrust that my affair has caused,I also had felt for a while that I just wished he would move forward,what I realized that this was my own guilt speaking to me. If he acted like everything was fine then I wouldnt have to remember all the destruction I did cause. I dont have all the answers,the one thing I do know is that your husband needs to talk,you need to talk,to counselors,to people that have been through it but most importantly to each other. I know that the only way we are going to have a chance at getting through this is talking about things all of the time,whether it be that something doesnt feel right,a flashback or whatever it might be. Lastly,although you are entirely responsible for your choice to have an affair as I am,our marriages didnt fall apart solely because of that choice,your husband needs to be willing as you do to look at all the other factors that lead to it and also what prevents it from healing,good luck and god bless.

LEAVING THE CITY OF REGRET

I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet, I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it. I'm talking about my annual "Guilt Trip".

I got tickets to fly there on "WISHIHAD" airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I got my baggage, which, I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been.

No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say international because people from all over the world come to this dismal town. As I checked into the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting the year's most important event, the Annual Pity Party.

I wasn't going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the towns leading citizens would be there. First, there would be the Done family, you know, Should Have, Would Have and Could Have. Then came the I Had family. You probably know ol' Wish and his clan. Of course, the Opportunities would be present, Missed and Lost. The biggest family would be the Yesterday's. There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share. Then Shattered Dreams would surely make an appearance. And It's Their Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life, and each story would be loudly applauded by Don't Blame Me and I Couldn't Help It.

Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occurred to me that all of this trip and subsequent "pityparty" could be canceled by ME!

I started to realize that I did not have to be there. I didn't have to be depressed. One thing kept going through my mind, "I can't change yesterday, but I do have the power to make today a wonderful day".

I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as encouraging. Knowing this, I left the city of Regret immediately and left no forwarding address.

Am I sorry for the mistakes I've made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way to undo them.

So, if you are planning a trip to the city of Regret, please cancel all your reservations now.

Instead, take a trip to a place called Starting Again. I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myself and the New Starts are so very helpful.

By the way, you don't have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival. You too, can find this new town, ust ask the Lord to show you the way. Now I live on ICANDOIT street.