Hi Kevin, I think if your w made a gear size comment, it may or may not be true. Size does not matter... it might feel good, but there are lots of other things that feel good too. <p>I just wanted to add to your list of female opinions... I know males and females typically see sex very differently.<p>I see it as an extention of closeness, a becoming of one together. A true love bond thing. I cannot have really good sex without being at the right emotional level. I once was with my H, lately no... and I will admit even while seperated we had some pretty good sex, but I have stopped it for now... since my EM's are not being met by my husband. <p>He benefits physically way more than me... I needed all the talking, holding, loving supportiveness, etc. that I used to get in our relationship ... In fact a while back in our marriage.. many yrs back when I was younger... I8 could not even have bim touch me... unless things were right emotionally between us... but... things changed... b/c I had so much anger at my H and wanted the marriage to work... I got to a place where I decided I could enjoy sex, even if we weren't in the right place together emotionally... that may have been bad.. but I guess at many times the good sex kept us close throughout the storms... my H is an alcoholic so there have been lots of abusive nights verbally when he was drinking, yrs of me fighting with him during and about the drinking... not enough money, and all those sorts of terrible problems that go with a heavy drinker.. <p>I guess on one hand I can advise sex even when all em's aren't met b/c sex makes you close and for men, I know the sex , physically is even a bigger need than for many women--- so obviously you are more concerned...<p>I go with some of the advice I saw in some other responses.. that for right now your W may be in withdrawl- I unfortunately have to face this with my H.<p>He is no longer seeing the OW, but he doesn't express a real desire for affection from me , etc. right now... he is very cool towards me... and in fact wants very much to blame me for all the problems and even say it was my fault he left and the OW was not part of what was wrong here... she was just a symptom of our bad marriage.. I as a BS do not buy that. I own up to what I could do better, and what I did do wrong.. but not that the whole affair did not matter... or is not part of the current troubles between us....<p>Anyway.. give her love, but don't pressure her... don't smother her... WOmen love romantic dinners, love notes, how about a poem... even a love song... if you can't sing or play an instrument.. write her one... cook her dinner... all those other things that make a woman feel special.. How about a little lingerie as a gift..? Or even cologne, earrings, etc. Make her feel pretty and sexy... remember what you did that got her to be in love with you in the beginning when you married and do it again...<p>Do not pressure her.<p>Good luck, all in all I am saying I do not think size is what matters to women... but I do not know your wife... but I think any comment if she made one... may have just been a mean jab... which during reconciliation.. things are often more difficult than during seperation... as wounds are opened and aired in search for recovery. <p>Are you or your W getting counciling to make it through this rough time, if you aren't I recommend it.. together or seperate.. I think help to make it through the rough days of recovery is always good.<p>Take care, Lisa [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:
<strong>I go with some of the advice I saw in some other responses.. that for right now your W may be in withdrawal- I unfortunately have to face this with my H.<p>
Anyway.. give her love, but don't pressure her... don't smother her... WOmen love romantic dinners, love notes, how about a poem... even a love song... if you can't sing or play an instrument.. write her one... cook her dinner... all those other things that make a woman feel special.. How about a little lingerie as a gift..? Or even cologne, earrings, etc. Make her feel pretty and sexy... remember what you did that got her to be in love with you in the beginning when you married and do it again...<p>Are you or your W getting counciling to make it through this rough time, if you aren't I recommend it.. together or seperate.. I think help to make it through the rough days of recovery is always good.<p>Take care, Lisa [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Withdrawal
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
for 18 months after D-day - she is just being damn selfish.<p>Give her love etc. etc. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Read my story - hell I have given her love in every way possible over the last 18 months. Gifts, dinners, lingerie, poems, cards, love-songs, what did I get for it? As soon as my back was turned and I was out of the country - she goes and meets the OM [censored] at our favorite weekend spot AND my daughters best friend sees them. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Counselling: [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I have been for counselling. She got mad about it - doesnt want ANYONE to know what she has done - has told me counselling is a load of c**p and doesnt believe in it.<p>Sorry, this is one bent-up lady and I dont think I like her anymore.<p>Hell, she has thrown enough tantrums, broken crockery, broken furniture, threatened to OD on sleeping pills - I had to drag her out of the bathroom and get my kids to help me get them away from her.<p>She has gone much too far this time.

Kevan: Did you or any of you out there see the TV show last night "Once and Again"? The characters are Lily and Rick and they hit the bedroom boredom, insecurity conflict right on the head. And this IS THE ANSWER.....What a woman wants is the same thing that a man wants, she wants you to have that LOOK of confidence that says "I am gonna rock your world." Tell me it isn't what you want. If she came to you like she was full of sexual energy and wasn't gonna take no for an answer, like she was gonna use you and abuse you like a blow up doll, tell me that you wouldn't respond to that. CONFIDENCE that you are a sexual god. That is all the EQUIPMENT you need.

Suggestion for Kevan<p>Try typing up a list of things you wouldn't object to and put them in a coupon book form.
She hands you coupon and you follow through<p>Some suggestions are (if possible)<p>You kiss her 100 times through the day<p>Discuss one fantasy you would never go through with. <p>You do housework in the nude<p>She does housework in the nude<p>Let your imagination be your guide.. as long as you are comfortable with it.<p>Then give her the coupon book with instructions for her to use whenever she wants. <p>Put the impetus on her and see which ones she runs with. This takes the pressure you feel off you and puts it onto her. <p>It sounds like her problem let her work on the solution too.

Kevan;Basically, I just wanted to know why you are hanging in there.....I don't want the ""For the kids" or the "I love her" answer...I want to know what is in this for you....why are You still holding out?<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: freddyb ]<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: freddyb ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by freddyb:
<strong>Kevan;Basically, I just wanted to know why you are hanging in there.....I don't want the ""For the kids" or the "I love her" answer...I want to know what is in this for you....why are You still holding out?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Why - that is a very good question....<p>Hoping, maybe, for a resolution?<p>Yes, whether you may discount it or not I AM HOLDING IN THERE for my kids - they have been through so much trauma with this already, they are both writing exams at present.<p>If I leave - she will throw it at me that even though I have put my kids first, I would now be walking out on them.<p>This also is my home, I also work hard in it.<p>This may sound very coarse - but whether she goes or whether she styas I will continue my life as I see fit AND NO LONGER UNDER HER CONTROL.<p>Yes, we had another fight last night - the end result - I was told that I am selfish, insensitive, uncaring, selfcentered, do not think about her feelings - AND THAT EVERYTHING BEHIND IT ALL IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE BACK TO SOUTH AFRICA WITH HER.

If you truly feel this way, then put your kids first and put yourself first...from the tone of your previous posts.....and yes, I have read them all.....the only person that sounds selfish is her.<p>You have held out this long and all it is bringing you is this pain.....I don't know if I would be that strong.....

Look, Kevin -<p>I feel for you and the situation with your wife.<p>Let me make a single suggestions - get some counseling... If your wife doesn't like the idea of counseling, approach it as mediation. I'd suggest that you say to her, "what's the worst that can happen? It won't work.. The best that can happen is that something changes!"<p>For whatever reason, you guys are not able to get past the hole that you're in currently. I'm not saying it's your fault or her fault - I'm just saying that this is the point where you are at.<p>With a 3rd party, your wife is less likely to fly off the handle emotionally. The 3rd party is also able to help your wife (and you) cope with the issues that are destroying your relationship.<p>Please give it a try. If you can't afford it, or don't have insurance to cover it - try approaching any local church (I'd suggest them more liberal non-denominational factions) - Most of them will be willing to try and help you for free.<p>
My wife and I have issues regarding the frequency and amount of sex we have. This forum has brought to my attention that I'm in pretty good shape compared to many, but I recognize the issues it causes (as a male) to be without for any significant lenght of time...<p>-D

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Darin in Austin:
<strong>Look, Kevin -<p>I feel for you and the situation with your wife.<p>Let me make a single suggestions - get some counseling...
-D</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks.<p>Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Wife not interested in the least, says she doesnt see why she should discuss her private matters with a stranger, and how I have the cheek to go tattle-tailing to everyone in sundry about what has happened in our marriage.<p>She says she has never agreed with the professions of counselling and psychiatrists.<p>Thanks anyhow.

This will be my last post here....I was up all nite on an issue related to my W and I and not having anything to do, I looked through these posts again....<p>It all boils down to this...<p>Everything that everyone here has offered to you, you have an excuse as to why it won't work, why it CAN'T work...<p>I ask again...Why are you hanging on? What is the purpose? Take your kids and get away from this insane influence..you speak wanting to spare the kids and not be selfish...well if it is your house and you paid for it then kick her little butt out and assert yourself in your life and protect yourself and your kids so you can go on and LIVE your life....<p>You can not be helped if you refuse all the help that is offered and some of this is really good...I am going to try and use it for me...<p>I wish you well, and peace and I hope you find your happiness eventually...<p>God Speed

I agree with FreddyB - If this woman doesn't want to help with the situation, then you've really got no choice but to move on without her.<p>You could try approaching asking her - what's better: To continue living in this situation which you both really dislike or discuss your "personal" lives with a stranger?<p>I'm not a big fan of psychotherapists either.. I grew up with a father who had a PhD in child psyc, but it still took him 20 years to become a reasonable father. I'm an engineer... If you want, you can have your wife email me and ask me about how counseling has improved my marriage... My email address is listed...<p>-d

K:

It isn't what is between your hips that is affecting your love life, but rather what is between her ribs.

A woman that is in love with and excited by being around a man can be very excited without even touching.

That said, it sounds like you are making a solid effort. Do you a point at which you will decide if you have had enough?