Hello. I am trying to figure out where the "red flag" is raised in a mutual relationship. I currently have contact with an old friend and lately our conversations have been border line flirting. I do respect him and wish to keep our friendship, however the temptation is there. How do I address this issue? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Try to think what you would like your husband to do under a similar situation. Would you want him conversing with the knowledge that this may lead to flirting or something else?

If you feel like your conversations are ok, then you would have no problem sharing the information with your H.

More importantly though, what need is this filling that you don't have in your current relationship (assuming you are married).

Be careful. This is how many A's start ' "harmless" flirting and email conversations.

Estelle listen to Krissee for she knows what she speaks of.

first of all, there is flirting, and then there is *flirting* The *flirting* is extremely dangerous. Very inconsiderate! As well as an selfish act!

Some experts say that flirting is suppose to be ok. If you can learn how to use it, to benefit you nad your partner. This is assuming that there is an established and healthy relationship. (If these even exist)

IMHO, bring, and keep your flirting to each other!! Maybe your spouse will become just a little more excited,,, hmmm, be creative


.

Stephan, thanks! Thought that in order to "flirt" it always had to be considered with a stranger. (As naive as that may sound!) These conversations are often what it leads to, not what I generate to happen. It seems to me that he has a hidden agenda. We always think that the grass is greener on the other side.....maybe that is what he is thinking. Little do we know that marriage is work, and not some walk in the park. He often asks me "what my husband does for a living" as if this comparison will make or break his ego. Your suggestions are welcomed, thanks for the insight.

Dear Estelle,

It seems that you are responding by E-mail, so if you feel that things are heating up a little too much, you can just take longer to reply. As a married man, I have contact with some old girl friends, who are now married. I try to be considerate of their husbands feelings of jealousy. I avoid contacing married women too frequently. Even if I feel like contacting them, and the time of say is OK, I will stop myself, if not enough calander time has pssed. You could also say that you need to take a break for a few weeks, or a few months, as you need to get your focus on keeping your marriage on an upward track. One concept of keeping things on an even keel is that you need to create a surplus for stormy weather.

Heading things off early, is usually easier than trying to get untangled from having gone to far.

Your husband should appreciate your trying to think ahead.

I have suggested, in other posts, that power in the community is a factor for husbands to consider in managing the fidelity of their wives. Your old friend's question of what your husband does for a living indicates that he is trying to see how much trouble he may be risking, in continuing to advance with you.

You post important questions that some spouses wish they had thought of a little earlier.

Best wishes for good judgement,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ August 31, 2003, 02:10 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Dear Quipper, I have heard that expression before "reserve for a rainy day." Though I was single at the time, I did not know what it meant. But now I do. I cherish this relationship on a mutual level, and that only. I desire to grow old and share stories about raising kids, and giving and recieving advice about husbands/kids, etc. It seems to me that since our relationship never flourished into an actual romance, his curiousity has peaked. I was very much in love at eighteen, and very immature about relationships. Thirteen years later I am not the same person. I would not trade my relationship of thirteen years,(to my husband) for all the gold in Alaska. It is sad that he has been with his W for almost seven years and don't share the intimacy that they should. Her job is demanding and requires frequent travel, as well as his job. How do I approach this situation in a tactful way, without embarassing him? Or maybe it is time to say Good-bye?

Estelle,

the grass is greener on the other side.....maybe that is what he is thinking.
Maybe there is a part of yourself that as well has wondered? If your honest with yourself, your answer will be yes. Its normal. In fact its normal at times to even think, and feel we *hate* our spouse. Relationships are as our weather,,unpredictable. We need a little rain along with the sunshine, te generate, creat *our* rainbow.

marriage is work think about it, two people completely different, now in a relationship. Yes marriage can be hard work,,, if both partners are into their relationship 100% to 100%, it lessens the load.

*We teach our partner how to treat us*
Think about that?? Would his(husband) flirting behavior be acceptable from you? Some couples are comfortable with this,,, others take this act as a threat,,,

He often asks me "what my husband does for a living"
In most cases, this is testing,,,
Its really dificult to determine the true motives,, you actually didn't provide the true nature/subject/depth of conversations. I do know this is and can be all it takes, to start the beginning, of affairs. *Not in all cases*
If you feel uncomfortable, theres a reason,,
What other questions does he ask? I'm not referring to actually answering me,, answer yourself? Do you discuss this with your husband?
If so, how does he feel about it? If you don't discuss this with him, why? Are you hiding something? Now, how do you think he would feel if he was to find out about this,,

No one knows the true intentions of anothers mind, nor their true thoughts, as well as true *attitude.*

Request info from him about his wife,, then ask him if she knows the two of you,,,
(fill in the blanks) talking/discussing,sharing
whatever it is you consider that goes on between the both of you,

This is, again just my opinion,,

Krissie said,,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More importantly though, what need is this filling that you don't have in your current relationship </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">communication is only 7% verbal,,ACTIONS and non verbal communication speak much louder

I'AM A STANDER!!!
http://www.rejoiceministries.org

<small>[ September 01, 2003, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

When I first ask this gentleman about his wife and how they find time to see eachother, I let in more than a response. He probably figured I was "interested" In all honesty, I'm not. I was flattered at first, but when consequentionalism set in, reality set in too. He ends all of his e-mails with "warm regards" and lets me know that if I ever need anything to simply ask. I did not take this the way I should have, being that I gave him the benefit of being happy and caring. Should I have something to worry about? I don't feel threatend, and I did share this with my H. He told me to take it as a compliment, but leave it mutual. Over time, it has stayed mutual on my part, but curious on his. I have since stopped writing him because of this. Just wanted some outside input. Thanks.

If you even question it, you know in your mind that it is not right.

Recently my wife had an affair that started exactly the way that you
described. It was with a friend of ours that emailed her until they
both could not stand the temptation. If I had asked anyone prior
to this, they would have said she would be the last person that
they would have suspected - it CAN happen to you -

Please spend your energy on your marriage - it will be worth it in
the longrun ! Trust me as I know-

Should I have something to worry about?
Sometimes we're our worse enemy,, yes i think maybe thee is something to worry about?
Leaning more towards yourself,, *

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was flattered at first,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*Flirting with disaster*

take it as a compliment what happens when we do something that *feels* good?
what happens when we receive a *feel* good?
hmmm, maybe one day your husband hadn't noticed you,,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have since stopped writing him because of this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> excellent choice

We teach others how to treat us!!!

<small>[ September 02, 2003, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

Hi Estelle, choosing to cut off contact is a wise choice because this was heading in the wrong direction.. The attention that you were receiving was flattering and the attention you were giving him was something he wasn't receiving from his w. Use that energy for your husband because his intentions seems a bit different from yours.

I think that you may be right. Though I don't know this individual well, I think he suffers from loneliness and is acting human. We all look to the attention we get outside of our homes when it is not to our satisfaction. Besides that, he is a very caring and humble person. This is the good in him, I chose to see THAT side to him instead of the MAN-WANTS-DESIRES side. Not one of us is looking to map out an affair. Our conversations took place after quite some years on non-comunication. The first thing we would remember is the feelings we shared, of course that is inevitable to reminince. However like I said before, people change, situations change. What man does not want to be desired again from a love crazed good looking girl? I will keep my feelings towards him professional and stay the distance.....besides I do get this attention at home, and am not looking for other resources of affection.

Good thing you saw the light before things got too heated. I was party to the same type of innocent flirting that led to constant emailing and and eventual A. I thank God every day that I found this site, I was in the process of getting ready to end my marriage. Things are great now, feel like a couple teenagers. DO NOT CONTINUE WITH THE INNOCENT FLIRTING.....

What do you do? Stop. Stop the second it starts. Someone asked me how a person could avoid an affair. My answer was, Don't put yourself in the position in the first place. Stop game playing immediatly. Let that person know you love your husband and are not available.

I did not realize it was flirting until I had to think twice about his responses. Then I figured it out. I am hoping that we can straighten this out as friends, in a mature fashion. Can anyone tell me, how to address this issue without looking like a moron? My question to anyone out there, is it possible for a mature man to love one woman uconditionally? It seems that it's like winning the lottery these days. Comments? Inputs? All welcomed!

Not one of us is looking to map out an affair.
And most affairs start this way.

I am hoping that we can straighten this out as friends, in a mature fashion. Can anyone tell me, how to address this issue without looking like a moron?
Whatever you do, do NOT say anything about being interested. Also, if he starts to say something about it, shut him down immediately.

You could tell him you were just not thinking about what was going on and apologize for giving mixed signals. Perhaps you realized that you were giving out more signals than you really intended.

CHRIS-CA123, I recently got a phone call while away from home, the gentleman who left a message was either who I am suspecting. My husband offered to take a message, however he was not willing to. If my gut feeling is right, how do I end this? I am not having an EA or a PA. This infatuation with the OM towards me has to end? Help.

I think you're right, Estelle....it was probably him. It sounds like he's probably a decent fellow, but not getting his EN met - so he's looking. I've always appreciated those that were honest with me despite how it might hurt my feelings. I'd suggest you contact him, and tell it to him straight up - Tell him you value your marriage more than anything and that you don't want to jeopardize it in anyway. You may want to just say that continuing your communication in this way does not make you comfortable and that you'll not be in touch with him anymore (yes - STOP it now! My H stayed in touch with OW for a while because he'd developed a relationship of caring for her as a person and felt guilty for getting her hooked on him....don't put yourself in that stupid position, please!) You may even mention that you sense he is seeking comfort outside of his marital relationship and advise him to put his energy into romancing his wife. You might want to even mention MB as a source of support for him, rather than yourself.
Whatever you do - be clear, but kind, in letting him know there will be no more communication because the situation causes too much risk that you're not willing to take. Hopefully, a kind turn-down will wake him up to the fact he's treading into dangerous territories and he can get to work on it where it counts - his own marriage.
Good luck! (Feels good to be desired, huh? Glad your H gives you that already!!!!)

<small>[ September 14, 2003, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: lrwest ]</small>

Dear Estelle,

You seem to have two options. You say that you have stoped writing him E-mails. So one option is to continue to stay stopped.

The other option is to reply to his last E-mail, and say something like, "I feel that my E-mails are encoraging a deeper relationship than I am comfortable with. For now, and the foreseeable future, I would prefer to break off communication. If you change your address, it would be ok to let me know your new address, but I feel I need to stop contact between us at this time."

You raise the question whether a man can love one woman unconditionally. There is an unconditonal component to love, and there are contingent parts of love. You seem to be asking some other, unstated questions, so I will ask you to break that one down for us readers.

Ceaser's first wife died in Childbirth. Ceaser divorced his second wife, because one of his associates dressed as a woman, and met with Ceaser's wife, secretly in the Ladies' Bath. Rumors got out about the affair, and Ceaser announced that he did not believe that his wife was having an affair, but that a wife of a man a great as Ceaser, must be above suspicion. The expression is: As pure as Ceaser's wife.

Thanks for posting concerns on remaining faithful.

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling