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#63115 01/05/04 12:17 PM
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Need some tips on how to get husband to engage in negotiating. He continually avoids talking about what his needs are, what he's expecting from me, how I can help him feel more loved. He just won't talk. Any ideas?

Some history:

My husband and i have been separated for one year. We are both in counseling and have been going for one month. The counselor has just recently told me to cut all contact even sexual contact because my h is not giving anything in return. My h and I have a divorce hearing scheduled for February 13.

#63116 01/06/04 04:13 PM
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Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Here's a few links to help you get started:
The Basic Concepts
Welcome to MB!
Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiations

Why did you separate in the first place? Who has filed for this divorce, you or your husband(H)? What kind of relationship do you have with your H now that you are separated? Do you want to save your marriage? What are your expectations?

Again, welcome to MB... read, read, read!

#63117 01/06/04 04:51 PM
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My h and I have been together for 14 years, married for 7, 2 boys 10 & 11.

I left my h in Oct 02 because I refused to put up with him ignoring the kids and I. For the past 7 years he'd not hugged or played with his kids, nor said ILY to the 3 of us. Didn't talk just came home from work and sat. Was rude to me. For many years he wouldn't even hug me.

We tried in November to date but then I found some condoms in his gym bag. when I asked about them he said he didn't have anything to explain and that he had not used them. I didn't believe him because the very next day they were right back in his gym back. So I went and filed for the divorce, moved back into our house and he moved out 12/1/02. I tried on and off since then to reconcile while he's at every turn rebuffed me. First by ignorning me then saying I asked for the d I could have it, then by dating other woman while occasionally sleeping with me. In April 03 I pushed for mediation and that is when I found out about ow. She dumped him after finding out about him sleeping with me...my h said he though I forgave him coming home was not what he wanted to do. Then I find he signed a 6 months lease on his apt while he led me to believe he only had a 6 month. Lot so lies, double talk from him, I was unsure what to do...sometimes I jumped from it's over to I don't want a d. Until May 03 I became definite that I didn't want a d and stood firm while he continued to be on one minute then off the next.

Finally in October he said we were through because as part of not wanting the d I filed for a continuance and didn't tell him. He said that back in Dec 02 he'd come to terms with the d and considered us over at that time. Said he had feelings for me still but since I wanted the d, that I filed for the d that I would get what I wanted. He couldn't trust me anymore to now file another d should we get back together. So then for 3 weeks he was silent. I called once to beg him to consider counseling. Nothing. Nov 17 we went to court to have the judge consider the continuance or grant us a d. She asked us if there was a reconciliation desired by both of us...I said yes he said no not at this time. My lawyer stepped in and told the judge that my h was very up and down that 3 weeks ago we'd been dating and the judge asked my h how long he was willing to give the reconciliation. He said 90 days.

On the way out of the court room, I asked what he'd want us to do with our 90 days he said go to counseling. He took me to breakfast asked me to come over to his apartment. I said I didn't feel right sleeping with him. He said why not we are married still at least I didn't ask after the d! I said no not till you can make a commitment to us. he said what more do I need to say? I agreed to a continuance, I'm going to counseling, etc....come to my apartment! So I did we slept together. Since then we've been seeing each other quite a bit and going to the same counselor for individual counseling. Yet he remains the same unfeeling nonresponsive h I've always had. He has no urge to be with me...last week he told me that the boys and I had to leave his place cause he wanted it to stay clean. This during the Christmas holidays. He was very rude, put all our stuff out by the door. RElayed this to my counselor who then recommended that I cut all contact until Jeff comes out and says he wants to be a husband and father.

I want to engage my h so that he can tell me what he wants to be happy in our r. He won't tell me what I can do different to please him. I rarely if at all have contact with him unless he calls (this before the counselor gave his recommendation), I do not talk about our r except to complete the assignments the counselor gave me, I'm upbeat round him and try to get him to have fun doing things with me, I'm appreciative, and loving. Yet there is no extras, no conversation, no hugs, etc. What gives?

Cindy

#63118 01/06/04 06:15 PM
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First things first, if you want to work on reconcilling with your H then withdraw the divorce petition. Don't use it as a weapon or a punishment for him.

You might find "Surviving an Affair"(book), Just found out, and Steps to Recover from an Affair useful.

Feelings of love can be rebuilt.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From The Love Bank:
All of my remaining basic concepts will help me explain the answer to those questions, but the general principle is simple: Couples must make as many Love Bank deposits as possible and avoid making withdrawals if they want a happy and fulfilling marriage. And to achieve this, behavior must change. A husband and wife must learn to do things that make each other happy, and learn to stop doing things that make each other unhappy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Deposits occur when we fulfill our spouse's Emotional Needs... do the things that make our spouse happy. Withdrawls occur when we Love Bust... do the things that make our spouse unhappy.

Do you know what his most important Emotional Needs (EN) are? What are yours? (Emotional Needs Questionaire) How about Love Busters (LB)? (Love Busters Questionaire)

Is your H still in contact with the Other Woman (OW)? If so, you might want to consider trying Plan A.

The NM forum probably isn't the best forum for you to get the kind of responses you need. Try reposting your story to General Questions, Emotional Needs, or Plan A/Plan B forums. They get more traffic.

As for that councillor... try finding someone more pro-marriage. Individual councillors (ICs) are looking out for your individual well being. They may not be considering the well being of your marriage. Try getting a marriage councillor.

Finally, please remember that we can not change or educate our spouses. We can only change and educate ourselves. That is what MB is for.

Best Wishes.

PS. Is it possible that your H may have or have had depression?


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