Hi. Not sure where to start but here I go. I have been with my husband for 28 months married for 8 months. Prior to marriage hes done things unintentionally ( I hope ) thats hurt me. Started off while I was working he decided to go to the movies with a "friend" (Female) and told me about it the next day. I expressed my being uncomfortable with that, and he got upset. Ok, a month or so goes by and he's on the internet. I walk up to tell him something he immediately turns off the monitor. Not before I saw a female screen name. I questioned this and he gave me one story. The following week I brought it up again and he gave me a different story and got angry with me for bringing it up again. I "stuffed it" . Several months later he went out of state with his sons and I was to join him a week later. He forgot to bring something that was in his van and asked me to get it and bring it with me. I went into his van found the item and a nude pic of his ex girlfriend. We'd been living together for 7 months at that time. I expressed everyone had a past including me but I didnt want to be reminded and felt it was inapproperiate to please clean up his stuff and place it elsewhere. OK. There have been several instances similar since then. We get married. He is talking with his friends while Im standing there as well and refers to his ex wife as "my wife" 2 days after we were married. I'm feeling like chopped liver. OK so weve got problems Im sure. Collectively Ive not been anle to let go nor has there ever been any reassurance or healing. Then he says were not happy "duh" and he needs time to assess if he wants this relationship, so he's going to move out with a female friend. Again this is not setting well and he doesnt see it. Weve done the marriage councelling thing but thats driven us further apart. What to do and Id like someone elses perspective. Thanks.

If he does not change, how long can you stand to stay with him?

I really dont know but I made a vow a committment and Ive got to. Not only that, I really do love him with all that I am.

Ok, then you will have to get over his porn use or tell him it bothers you and to get rid of it. Or just put up with it. At least he is not having an affair (that you know of)...

"Then he says were not happy "duh" and he needs time to assess if he wants this relationship, so he's going to move out with a female friend."

Dear Baba,
It sounds like he has an affair going on

Dear SADBLUEEYES

You need to read "Surviving an Affair" by Harley

Mengott, I think you are right now that i read it again. I think he is having an affair.

Dear LsadBeyes:
I have read your post and would like to ask a few questions: Did you and your spouse live together before you got married? Is anything else going on inside of your marriage...financial difficulties, his age approaching mid-life, change in situations with children leaving home or going to school?
You stated he has moved out with another female? I am sorry that he has done this. You should ask yourself if you can live your life without this man? Is he giving you a fair shot in making this decision? Is he dragging you along with 'His' decisons?
If you have not gotten any solid evidence then you will drive yourself crazy 'suspecting' his entire life with you. Since he has moved out, he is most likely taking care of business elsewhere. Are you going to try to save your relationship if he will give the other woman...or women up??
You can buy items at retailers for keeping track of what he does on the internet and his emails. Many are stealth and can be installed easily without his knowlege they are in use. You can then check things out when he isn't around. That is for when he returns home.
He may need help with the porn thing. Many men have this obession with porn. He is not meeting your needs while he engages in this. He should not have to jump start his motor with porn unless he is addicted to it. There are several books that speak to this issue.
I know this is painful to you. You will get through this. Look at your past choices and draw from your experience there. You will have made good choices and if not, then what could you NOW do differently...Think of this as a assignment to figure out how this is either similar or different from the past.
Ask for help from your church. Marriage is honored in churches and they will have people that can talk with you and help you through this ordeal. If it is not meant to work out, then you will have learned some valuable things to carry with you in future. I will pray that you and your spouse have the insight and wisdom to reconnect your marriage. Peace

Dear BaBa2: I don't agree with your statement that LSBE should put up with her spouses' porn viewing. She has told him that she is upset with this then WHY should she have to deal with any issue that she finds hurtful or offensive??
Porn is not harmless. It is a classic sign of sexual addiction. It is an obession with the addicted and they rarely can control its' progessive nature.
She is telling her spouse that an area of their relationship is hurtful to her. He should take into account her feelings and try not to do anything hisself that is harmful to her....Peace

I also said she should talk to him about it. Heck, I would not put up with porn in my marriage. But what if she cannot trust him and still thinks she has to stay married to him because of HER committment to marriage? Where does that leave her? Stuck to an untrustworthy spouse with no way to leave and no way to change him. I hate dillemmas like that.

I wouldnt really classify it as porn. He had one nude pic in his van of an ex girlfriend that I accidently found 7 months after living together. But what bothers me is the repeated incidents without the emotional reassurance and comfort so that Im able to put it away instead of stuffing it cuz that doesnt work. Yes hes agreed to go to church marriage councelling. Happy Easter!

Hi I guess I need to re-clarify. He went to the movies with a female while I was at work and didnt bother to tell me till I saw a dent in his van and questioned. Then there was the IM issue with a female
's screen name and when I walked up he turned off the monitor stating that it was a friend who lost a child in huston, then the following week a different story. Then the next was after we had been living together for 7 months and he asked me to go get something from his van and I discovered a nude pic of his ex. Then several months after that there was an exchange of personal info ie: email 2 ways pager etc whith me in the center then there was pics of his ex wife in his office 3 months before our marriage still up. All this time all I have felt was emotional infidelity. Does any of this make sense?

LSBEyes: I am glad your spouse has agreed to go to counseling within your church. They will protect your investment(marriage) and not try to consider divorce as a means to an end. I would agree with you that his behavior is emotional infidelity. If he will read the book, HNHN by Dr. Harley he might have insight into your situation. I will continue to pray for you and your spouse that you both repair and rebuild your commitment together. Peace

THANKS Unusual Suspects. I need all the prayers I can get. Well the latese is he's decided not to move in with her. Claims nothing going on just needed time to think. I let him know that would have been the last straw. We attended Easter services together and it was very touching. He seems to be making an attempt at this time. Were doing alot of MB reading and yes I will follow your advice and get that book too. Thanks again and God Bless.

Well heres the update. I printed all the info from this web site I could read them and gave them to my husband to read. Its been three weeks and hes half way thru. Not one of his priorities. So then I buy His Needs Her Needs, read it all the way thru. OK Havent had any quality time to talk and work the issues. Nothing is getting done. Waiting on him to complete the reading process before we begin, but Im still emotionally starved. If I bring it up then he says Im *****ing. I just really want it to be worked on and resolved, but doesnt seem to want the same. I dont expect to go at my pace but I work an average of 10 hours a day clean cook have sex etc and can still find the time to do my homework. Well at the end of my road <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Havent gone to any church counselling. He hasnt worked in 3 weeks, hes been busy setting up shop. OK today he feels like running away cuz he cant deal with our issues. I begged and pleadded with him before, now Im burned out. I told him to go if thats what he wants. Not looking for an affair though the opportunities are out there. I made a committment to myself him and God although he hasnt kept up his end. I do however need that emotional nuturing , and from what Ive read everywhere Im afraid thats where things will eventually lead. He doesnt get it or seem to care. Work is good for me. Family is fine. Just the issues between he and I really suck. Thanks for listening. God Bless

LSBEyes: thanks for the update. I still think you should go talk with a woman from your church that has had to deal with these issues. You will have another person to talk to about how you are feeling. Also, they will listen and try to guide you with Biblical principles in mind. I think you should stop begging and pledding. It makes you appear desperate. This will give him all the power in the relationship. You have made a request and given enough time, he will either honor it or not. Do not give up...God moves much slower than we would like. He is always working even when we can't see it. I would ask you to take time for yourself each day. Twenty minutes at least to do something for you. I think you are very wise not to give up with this issue. You did take those vows and God is watching how we handle certain things in life. Be obedient to God's word and he will bless you. Peace

Well the mostest and latest post. Today he moved out. Staying where for how long I dont know. But I do know he cleands out all his stuff left me a nasty hurtful note and BAM! Now Im having a drink and trying to deal with this. I really do need a friend somewhere. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well the mostest and latest post. Today he moved out. Staying where for how long I dont know. But I do know he cleands out all his stuff left me a nasty hurtful note and BAM! Now Im having a drink and trying to deal with this. I really do need a friend somewhere. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> LSadblueyes@yahoo.com

LSadblueyes you have inspired me. Inspired me to sign up for this message board and give you some better advice than you've been given so far.

My advice is this: Get some self-respect and take charge or your own life and happiness. This will almost certainly require that you dump the piece of trash you have married.

I am assuming that you have given an honest, accurate and relatively unbiased description of events. If that's the case this man has no respect for you and staying with him would only prove that you have no respect for yourself.

I'm tempted to expound at length but I've said the important bit and will restrain myself.

Disclaimer: My opinion is based on the information provided. There may be a multitude of other factors that I'm not aware of so in the end you'll have to make you're own decision. Again, get some self-respect and take responsibility for your life. Do not allow your "husband" or any other person to walk on you.

Note 1: Husband was quoted above because while he may technically be your husband it certainly doesn't sound like he's accepting the roles/responsibilities of that position.

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: Awfki Whistler ]</small>

Thanks unfortunately thats what Im forced to do at this point. I do have my self respect and I do have some pride but unfortunately I still love my husband <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and that part sucks. I just dont trust him because of obvious issues. If he isnt willing to work on his stuff Im realizing we cant work on ours. Im not sure how to start over but Im willing to try. Thanks for everyone's input.