Busted Hopes here. Stop me if I'm wrong, but to make a valiant effort to save a marriage and both go to counseling, wouldn't it be a sign of commitment to break it off with OW? It seems to me a wasted amount of time and money if he is keeping the OW in his back pocket in case we don't work out. He is so worried about "hurting her". What about me?

THis is what is so confusing....and hurtful.<BR>Van the counsellor advise him "no contact" if he wants it to work. This is what I do not understand....it is a competition...between you and OW.<P>This should and must be discussed at the counsellor....all your feelings about this.<BR>If you have "had enough" and only you will know, then plan A/B him and wait. In other words be there for him in plan A as much as you want for you(to deposit love so that he knows you have not given up on him and are receptive to love deposits he makes, but withdraw in some ways as well.It sounds like your H really wants th marriage to work because he loves you and does not want to lose you. He is not asking you to change and this is not about you. In plan B you will work through how much more you will take, and if he is sincere (and it sounds as if he is, but is VERY confused) then it is up to him to sort out his life. Even in plan A/B you can decide what and how you want to do this.From what I understand, in our monogamous society, he will have to choose, you cannot make him.But let him know that if he comes to his senses,(and you want to) then you will work together with him and ow has to go.<P>Got your e-mail and replied

Thanks, willbok. I do feel like it is a competition between me and her and I am just so tired of it all. Maybe that is because I just went through 9 months of feeling good about us and it was such a blow to find out it was all a lie again. Maybe it is because I just went through major surgery. All I know is I am tired of all this mess. Yes, I realize I have no control over him and he is the one who should make up his mind. I believe he is very confused also. Hopefully therapy can help him gain some rationale and reasoning before we even attempt joint marriage counseling.