Hi all,<P>This is my first post -- so a little about my story. . .<P>Two weeks ago, my husband cheated on me while I was out of town. It was a one night stand with the daughter of one of his co-workers. There is no possibility of the relationship continuing because the OW father is furious with my H and the girl is devastated by what has happened and does not want to come between us.<P>Our marriage has been in withdrawal for a while and so when my husband cheated, he thought it was justified because it was "already over." Instead of feeling remorse, my husband wants a divorce -- says he doesn't love me "that way" anymore. <P>After reading the Basic Concepts, I can understand how things got to be so bad. But it came as a surprise to me that he was ready to bail. I do still love him very much and I want to save our marriage. He says he will not get counseling ("if a couple needs counseling, they shouldn't be married") and he wants it to be over. How can I bring our marriage back to intimacy on my own? I'm willing to do whatever I have to do -- no matter how painful -- to bring about reconciliation.<P>Where do I start? What do I say to him? How do I approach him in a way that won't drive him further away? Please help. <P>KristyAnn<BR><p>[This message has been edited by KristyAnn (edited August 15, 2000).]

KristyAnn, <P> I'm sorry about your situation...but, I'm glad that you found this site.<BR> I'm sure others will be along shortly to offer what advice they have, but for now you get mine... hope this helps.<P> Let your husband know that you are willing to work on this marriage. That you want to be with *him*, warts and all (don't say that). Hard as it is, don't smother him.<P> Have you read about Plans A & B ? If not, check them out. The folks on the Plan A/B forum can give you all the info. Here is a very condensed version...<P> Plan A is done face to face, basically. You commit *no* lovebusters (as humanlly possible, anyway)... and you try to meet all of his emotional needs. Thus, rebuilding a loving relationship with him.<P> Plan B is done from afar... usually, WS is living elsewhere. You have no contact with him, unless it is regarding the kids. That way, he cannot drain your lovebank. Also, he gets a real taste of life, without you. This is usually a last resort.<P> How long have you been married to/with your husband? Do you have children? <P> If you haven't already, post this on the General Questions forum, too. There are a lot more people in your situation, that may have more info for you. Most of us here in D/D are just that.<P> You sound like you want your marriage to work. I commend you for that, and I wish you success. Now, breathe! You have embarked on one of the nastier rides in life. We are here and will be more than happy to support you in your sad (and eventually, happier) days.<P> Cyber hugs goin' out to you,<BR> ((((((KristyAnn))))))<P> Mynabird<P> <BR>

Dear Mynabird,<P>Thanks so much for your timely reply. <P>My husband and I have been married six years next month. We don't have any children between us and there are two of my children still at home (boys ages 9 and 15). I am older than my husband (he's 30, I'm 41).<P>I have let him know that I love him and want our marriage to work out. He says he doesn't believe me. He says it's been so long since I showed him love that he can't accept that I still have feelings for him. As I mentioned in my previous post, we have been spiraling into the pit of withdrawal for some time. Lots of withdrawals and no deposits -- we've been emotionally bankrupt for a while. <P>The shock of his recent indiscretion and revelation that he wants a divorce have made me realize how selfish I've been in fulfilling his emotional needs. We have actually been not fullfilling each other's needs, but I feel like I've held out too long in trying to get my own needs met. I just pray it's not too late.<P>I will definitely post under General Questions and I have already printed out Q&A on Plan A/B for studying. I also printed out questionnaires, however, I'm not real optomistic that I could get him to complete them right now.<P>I have backed off for now and am waiting to hear from him. He went to see his family in another state and will return tomorrow. I don't think he's planning on coming to our home, although I'm not sure where he would go. It's hard, but I'm not going to contact him. He will have to call or come by eventually to pick up his mail. It may be the opportunity I'm looking for to talk to him -- or not. I'm not sure what to do when the time comes. Any ideas??<P>Thanks, again, for your support.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn

You're welcome, KristyAnn.<P> Well, when he does show up, put on your best "face". No screaming, yelling, accusations, digging, or judgements. No matter how hard it is. <P> Next, tell him again that you want this marriage to work. Tell him that you have found some info that is very helpful for you. Tell him that you printed up some copies for him, and then give them to him. Don't force it. If he says no, then tell him that they are there if he should ever become interested. Ask him if he would just consider filling out the questionaires, so you could see what you had been blind to.<P> Then, tell him you love him. Don't grovel. Try to keep the tears at a minimum. Stinks, doesn't it? Come here to vent, cry, be furious...<BR> <BR> Offer him dinner. Ask him if he would like to take a walk. Hopefully, he isn't planning on moving out, because it is rather difficult to execute a good Plan A from a distance. <P> He is probably expecting WWIII when he gets home. Suprise him, and start Plan A. It is very hard to do, when you are this fresh into the game. Know this, most (not all) wayward spouses *do* come around... unfortunately, it sometimes takes a looooong time for them to get their heads out of the "fog".<P> BTW, don't show him the Plan A/B info, he will think you are trying to manipulate him. That info is for you to use, to work on getting a loving marriage back. He will not understand it at this time. K?<P> Good luck, hon. Keep posting when you need to.<P> Mynabird

Dear Mynabird,<P>Thank you! Thank you! That is some of the best advice I've heard! <P>I will do just that. Look pretty, be nice, not pushy or whiney. I don't know what his living arrangements will be yet. But I will take that as it comes -- without giving up.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn

Lol! I'm sorry, I had to laugh (if not ironically). It will seem that you have to do allll the work, for a while. You have to act all nicie-nice... and he tramples your feelings. <P> Just repeat this to yourself, when the going gets tough, "Mynabird would say no, no, no! That's not how you do it!" <P> I just want you to realize that you are in for a rough time. You will feel unappreciated, under-valued, and mistreated. But from the success stories that I have read... most of the WSs that have returned to home and hearth do mention to their spouse that they felt such remorse at treating them so badly. And they do notice that you are trying as hard as you can... just takes them a while before they can admit it.<P> Again, you're welcome, KA. Now, go get some sleep (if you can~ if not, drink lots of warm milk and put on some music that is guaranteed to put you to sleep... Gregorian Chant, perhaps?)<P> May God bless you , too!<BR> Mynabird~~ signing off for the night... bbl

Mynabird...<P>I have not been back to MB in a while and had to read both the post from you and KristyAnn twice over, amazed at the path and beliefs you both target to travel.<P>I wish you both success in your work to find you way back to your partners. You both are very unique and if I could say one wise word to your mates it would be that they are very lucky men to have a partner that has the focus and feelings you both seem to have on trying to save you marriages.<P>Now divorced, as the betrayer, I too let too many years of "Withdrawl" and the terrible love busting polarization creep into and become a dominant force in my marriage. I really admire each of you for your vision to try and balance the earthquake like emotional hurt with your inner wish to "Hang In" and make it try and work. My confession about my EA to my wife as my first step in taking responsibility for my actions was the beginning of a path that saw hate, vegence and a posion about her feeling for me that never even gave us the chance to try and rebuild.<P>I never could move past being a flawed and very terrible person in my wifes eyes...so I must ask...how do you both do it? How do you muster the balance to feel the terrible pain, yet try to move forward and want to rebuild? Sorry for just butting in on your posts, but when I see individuals like you both that are so extreme to what my wife felt and behaved that I must just ask and try to understand how you do what you do to find your way back!<P>I pray that you both find your way back. You husbands both I hope some day understand how lucky they are to have you both. If I could speak with them they would at least understand not to accept your behavior without celebration and validation that you both are truly special in how your are approaching this event in your lives. Peace and success to both of you.<P>mrrlk

You made me smile ,mrrlk...<P> Unfortunately, my marriage didn't make it...or maybe that fortunate? <P> That said, I have nothing against marriage, at all... I hope to do it again, someday. My xH left for his OW, and didn't come back. I look at it this way...*his* loss. <P> Believe it or not, I didn't hate him for having an affair... I was more angry about the lies and deciet. It took me a long time to deal with my feelings about this. It hurt to be so blatantly lied to. <P> My pet peeve is lying. I will not accept it from *anyone*. Other than that, I have had a very long time to get where I am, emotionally... believe me, I was *mad*!! <P> Now, I am happy with myself. I am happy that my xH has managed to cut out a nice, calm life for himself... even if he did walk on me to get where he is.<P> Mynabird

Krisy Ann,<P>First I think you have already soaked in what Mynabird has said, and that is GREAT, that all made PERFECT sense to me for sure!! Secondly sorry that you have to be here, but so glad you DID come here for help in sorting out your thoughts!<P>I am in the process of a divorce right now, but, I am still in Plan A. My STBX still get along well, there were no affairs, as far as I know and NOT on my part, but I have a couple of suggestions for you that did help me before when I was trying to keep my STBX stay with me as my wife. They worked for me!<P>My BIGGIE was my "special place(s)". I would find me a spot that made me feel happy, since I am an outdoorsy kind of guy, it was always a park, or a wildlife refuge or feeding the pigeons downtown or something like that.<P>It was and IS always a good healing place for me to sit down think and sort out MY feelings, to think about what I need to do to work this out. Now I use it as my tool to get MY life back on track!<P>So find yourself a place or places to go, be BY YOURSELF, to think, cry, smile, laugh and feel good again! I do talk to people, but to me it is much more soothing to feel myself within if I can think on my own too! But don't close out people, LET THEM HELP! You will (I hope) be surprised at what you can do for yourself in an hour or two of just being alone, thinking, sorting and even crying!<P>Hang in there, Like Mynabird said, I hope that he doesn't move out, cause it makes it hard to Plan A, I know that for a fact, but still if he does, keep happy and make the most of your time when you DO see him.<P>And again DON'T SHOW HIM PLAN A/B stuff, as Mynabird said, that is YOUR secret plan to have.<P>All my best wishes Kristy Ann!!!!<BR>hang in there<P>Drew

~~~ But, I hope I never have to go through that type of situation, ever again! <P> Mynabird

Dear Mrrlk,<P>For me, my strength comes from a firm belief in God. I wouldn't be able to be where I am two weeks from D-day with out HIM!<P>He has taught me to be forgiving, because if you can't forgive other, you can't be forgiven. And I'm sure we all know that none of us is perfect -- we ALL make mistakes. I've made my share in the marriage by perpetuating conflict and withdrawal. We spend to much time trying to be "right" and never giving any ground for the sake of love in our lives.<P>God said through Paul, "And these three remain: Faith, Hope and Love, but the greatest of these is love. Sometimes its hard to get over being human and just letting God's perfect love dominate our lives, but its something that makes our lives fuller. I know that at the other end of this, with or without my H, I will be a stronger person, deeper in my faith and happier (someday). Right now, each day is a battle and I get through it only by HIS grace and mercy.<P>I'm sorry your wife was unable to forgive you. I think everyone deserves to be forgiven if they truly repent of what they've done and ask for forgiveness.<P>Someone recently said to me, "When facing difficulties in our lives, you can either get bitter or better." I'm going to get better. Anger, jealousy, bitterness, etc., only create a heart that can't heal. Better to let go of those things and be complete.<P>Hope your life gets better, too.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn

Dear Myna and Drew:<P>Thank you for your continued words of encouragement. Drew, I think the "special place" idea is a great one. I've been thinking about signing up for swing dance lessons, getting more exercise and spending more quality time with my kids. These are great "places" for me to be, but I think I'll take your advice and find a place of solitude -- just for me. I have more hope that there is something that I can do to move in a positive direction for our marriage. <P>I know it will be hard, but I am willing to go the distance. I'm going to start making deposits in our Love Bank every chance I get and, although it will be easier for me not to make withdrawals, I will have to work extra hard at trying not to allow him to make any. I'm sure its not possible to prevent any withdrawals on his part, but I'm praying that with patience and perseverance, our Love Bank can begin to grow. I'm also sure it will take some time. It took us a long time to get so depleted, it will probably take even longer to build it back up.<P>I'm not so naive as to believe that this will give me any sort of guarantee that he will come back to me, but at least I'll know I tried.<P>It's good to just "talk" and get things out. I will keep posting. And let you know how Plan A is going -- maybe look for some more help as I'm trying it.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn<p>[This message has been edited by KristyAnn (edited August 15, 2000).]

Another thought for Mrllk,<P>You made me smile, too. It was nice to have some positive support and complements for the decisions I've made. I, too, hope that someday my husband will realize we are both lucky to have each other.<P>Keep posting, your words are an encouragement.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn

Dear Myna,<P>As I was thinking about putting Plan A into effect, I was thinking, "I'll do this . . . I'll do that . . . I won't do this . . ." And I would think of Mynabird saying "No, no, no. That's not how it's done!" LOL<P>You've been a great inspiration for me. Please keep posting. I need your support.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn

Any time, Kristy. <P> Eventually, people will have a chance to respond to you. Don't be disheartened by what may seem to be very few responses, at first. I've noted that you will get more responses if you post on some of the other threads. People will recognise your nic when they see it in more places, and will start to check out your threads.<P> I think that *you* will be a great asset to MBers. You have a fresh outlook, and you are willing to go the distance. You are stronger than you realize. <P> Quick question, how have your children been dealing with these issues? Are they aware of what is going on? Sorry, more than one question... I'm bad about that. You've been married for about 6 years, right? I'm assuming that they have some type of relationship with their step-father... how are they?<P> Hugs,<BR> Mynabird<P>

Kristy,<P>First off your VERY welcome for the tip. I think it is VERY important for people to talk and share with others so much, BUT equally as important is to have your own quiet time!<P>I even go as far as taking a tablet or paper with me and jot down my thoughts while they are fresh on my mind. I will admit I have been a bit lax on this lately as I have been full of other issues, career change, a possible move out of Nebraska, and other stuff like that, while still having to go through the stuff like separating belongings, money and all that with the STBX.<P>But if you can find a shady spot under a tree, around a lake, or just in a park to sit, think, smile at the squirrels or birds or whatever, and think about and write down your thoughts and feelings it can be a great way to develope and even stronger Plan A "attack" for yourself.<P>Even though I am so to be single, my Plan A'ing at least salvaged a friendship! Sometimes that friendship is hard cause it is hard to have someone you've been in a very committed relationship for 8 years with to just be a "friend" and not my wife, but hey, why make it hard if it doesn't have to be!<P>It is amazing what a pen/pencil and a tablet can do for your mind <P>Good Luck and DO keep us posted!<P>Drew

Dear Mynabird:<P>My kids are very sad about what is happening. My 15 y.o. son has been such a wonderful support for me. I try not to lean too heavily on him, be too weepy around him, nor do I give him gory details. He is still a kid after all. He cares about his step-father very much. They have had some difficulty establishing a good relationship, but my son says he feels like they made it. He wants very much for us to work things out. <P>My 9 y.o. son has much less information about what's going on, but he does know that my H wants a divorce and I tell him I'm trying very hard to work things out. Sometimes, he's wise beyond his years and says, "At least you'll know you've tried." Out of the mouths of babes!<P>I also know my husband cares for them a great deal. He hasn't really opened up about it, but I know it has to be hard for him to think about leaving them even though they are not his own kids.<P>My kids know I love my H very much. And my approach with them is to ask them to pray for me and for my H. Love conquers all things. I don't breed contempt or malice in their hearts -- it's just not in my heart to turn them against him. I want healing, not hurting.<P>Thanks, Myna, for your caring about me AND my kids. You have a big heart, I can tell. I've been trying to get as many posts out there that I can. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn

Hugs for you *and* the boys... You are doing wonderfully by not turning the boys against their stepdad. He will definitely have a tough time dealing with those particular issues. <P> I've known of step-dads that were traumatized by divorce because they miss the children so much. As a matter of fact, one guy I know *still* takes care of his stepd from his first marriage, because he basically is the only father she ever knew. His xW left him, but he will drop anything for that little girl.<P> You are doing a great job, hon. Apparently, you are a very good mom, too. <P> Btw, loved the tick-tock comment, lol...<BR> hang in there,<BR> Jeri<P> PS~~ Now, get off the puter and take the boys to have ice cream for *dinner*...you guys deserve it! Hey, think calcium and protien if you add nuts! You can even add fruit... If I were a nut, I'd be a walnut.

Mynabird wrote...<P>"I think that *you* will be a great asset to MBers. You have a fresh outlook, and you are willing to go the distance. You are stronger than you realize..."<P>Possibly a more accurate statement...from my limited perspective..."I think that you both are a great asset to MBers! You both have a fresh outlook and are willing to invest to help go the distance. The two of you...are stronger than you each realize..." We all can gain something from each of you...thank you!<P>mrrlk

Thank you Mrllk,<P>I really would like to help others. I have seen lots of other posts that provide hope, encouragement and inspiration and if something I can say will help to spark someone to reach just a little deeper inside themselves, then I would love to offer whatever I can. And Myna has a gentle and tender heart for others, too. I can tell -- she has a gift.<P>I feel like I'm not as able to give as much as I'd like right now. My story is pretty fresh and I'm still in a semi-state of shock. I know as time goes by, I will be able to be a better support to others.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn