I've been married for six years this Sunday, 8/20. And I have really let things get out of hand. I love my wife very much and I still seemed to always place my needs ahead of hers. And now that's all coming back to haunt me. I can remember all the times she complained she wasn't getting enough attention, or how pissed she would get when I neglected to get her a card, or a gift for days like Valentine's or her birthday. I've never been good at showing my affection for her or anyone and I truly believe that I have no one to blame but myself for the situation we're currently in.<P>Just this past week or so, she dropped the bomb on me - saying that she thinks we should separate for a while so she can think about things. She says that over the past 5 years, my lack of emotion and signs of affection with her have taken this once very emotional, loving, and giving person and made her become numb inside towards me. She says she needs time to think if the relationship is worth the effort and wonders if she could ever love me again to the point of intimacy. I'm making every effort to show that I wish to change - I want to become the husband she wants me to be. I've never needed anybody as much as I feel I need this woman. After reading the material in this site, it appears that she has entered the emotional state of withdrawl. We are still currently living under the same roof, but we don't sleep in the same the room. My efforts to show affection are seemingly falling upon deaf ears and sometimes I get the feeling that she resents me even trying to show how much I care about her. I've taken this whole thing very hard and she knows that as well, we've spoken about this whole situation and she keeps telling me that it's going to take time to figure out what she wants to do. She doesn't want to come back to me for all the wrong reasons, like because she feels sorry for me which I know she does. (although I'm not sure why, she has put up with alot and has every reason for wanting to hurt me or get out). She will only try to reconcile if she feels in her heart that we can reach the point of total love for each other and reach an emotional bond and have those feelings of intimacy that we once had. To top the whole thing off, we have a little girl that is absolute perfection and the one true joy in both our lives right now. My wife says she has felt like we were roommates with a task of raising a child. I know what I must do now to keep the relationship going thanks to the information I've found on this site and I've never been more willing to see a marriage counselor in my life, but until she gets the feeling she is looking for I'm afraid I'll never get the opportunity to use what I have learned and my newly found enthusiasm for what marriage is really all about. I just didn't get it. I understand now that marraige is a union of the souls, everything you do should revolve in atleast some way around the person you marry and that giving of yourself is perhaps the greatest joy and gift you can give to your partner.<P>I guess with all this background information, I should ask my question(s):<P>How can I help to get the rebuilding process going?<P>I don't expect her to just come back and everything to be alright. I've been given a swift kick to the privates, a real wake up call, I just hope it isn't too late to salvage this one. What should I do? If anything.<P>Please be kind - I never intentionally meant to hurt my wife, and I never picked up on the pain I was causing her, and I never realized how important the role of emotions are to a relationship. I wish I could've found this site sooner, it may have saved this marriage.<P>It has felt good to get this out here. I'm looking forward to your responses.<P>Trying To Avoiding Divorce,<BR>Doc

Doc, hang in there! Listen to the feedback you get here, it has help me eventhough my wife filed for divorce. <P>You are still in the game and is certainly very hard when they emotionally distance themselves.<P>Express your desire to work it out and let her know that you will go to counseling (marriage). Try not to control her ( boy is this hard )!<P>

My goodness,<P>what a golden opportunity, you and your wife have - to fix the "taking for granted" mode that can lead to bigger problems.<P>Its pretty obvious how much you and your wife love each other. <P>Tell her over and over, just like you did here, and let your actions prove it. That would certainly melt my heart. And if you are guilty of missing all the anniversaries and birthdays, you have til Sunday to come up with something thoughtful and romantic for her - not an expensive present, but something that takes time and thought and effort on your part. It sounds like she wants from you, exactly what you know you haven't been giving her.<P>Don't pressure her, if I were she, it would be consistent effort over time, to show it is true change, that you mean it - that it isn't just temporary - <P>But that sounds like exactly what she wants - to know that you love and appreciate her. good luck.<BR>

Doc,<P>All the feelings that you poured out on this board should be what you tell your W. Don't try saying it - I suggest you write it down in a letter to her so that you can get it just right, delete some things, add others, edit, edit, edit. So you can say what you need to say...then the next move is up to her.<P>You will need to be soooooo patient. Try not to ask too many questions right now but let her know that <B>you</B> have seen the light. But don't push her into it, because there can always be shadows created even if it's only a candle. You're going to need to let her find her own way.<P>I feel a great deal of hope for you and your family.

I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to read my story and respond in kind. I truly hope that everything works out for us, but the I have not yet seen the light at the end of this tunnell.<P>Thanks again.<P>I just don't understand how I could have missed all the signs that this was coming.<P>I can see them all clear as day now, but why didn't I react to them sooner. This may only be a question that can be answered in therapy of some kind. What's wrong with me, besides the fact that I was born a man!<P>Still Fighting For It,<BR>Doc

Being born a man does seem to be a curse at times! We seem to only respond when it is a crisis! At least that is my way of doing things. Be patient, ask GOD for guidance, and seek assistance from those who love and care for you.<P>I know how difficult it is to do these things as we want it fixed now!<P>Hang tight, this can be an opportunity!

Why me, Doc?"<BR>Here's a hug for you because you did realize what your wife has needed and do have a chance at your marriage. Some men never figure it out and if some of them do, they are already divorced. All I can tell you is, DON'T give up trying. Don't believe that she resents you trying. She probably doesn't believe you and thinks that you will go back to your old ways. Things...that are important always take time...especially when there is hurt involved. Through time, your wife will eventually see that you have changed and now understand her needs. I will tell you though that with the trying that counseling would be so beneficial to the both of you. In therapy, she can talk to the therapist about her feelings and what maybe really bothering heras opposed to talking to you directly, since probably to her, she feels that you don't hear her anyway. Why would she feel that she could talk to you when she has tried in the last few years and you haven't listened. I think through counseling, together you can start to create a bond and work towards saving your marriage. I hope the best for you and thank god you realized now. My hsuband still hasn't realized it and it's been also 6 years.

Thanks for the positive vibes.<BR>I'm trying hard not to get frustrated.<BR>It stormed here last night and I know my wife does not like it one bit, she always used to let me comfort her during times like those. Since we're in separate rooms at night right now, I didn't get that opportunity and I really missed it.<P>I think marriage counseling for both of would be great, but she's not ready for us to do that. She is currently receiving therapy on her own, she's only gone once so far, she will go again today. After the first one, I felt like she really tried to distance herself from me. Things aren't totally lost she just doesn't or can't trust me right now to continue being the man/H I want to be. She's afraid and rightfully so, that I will fall back into the mode of taking her for granted. I hope she gives me another chance to enrich both of our lives in the long run.<P>Thanks again for your support.<p>[This message has been edited by Why me, Doc? (edited August 18, 2000).]

Doc, encourage your wife to continue therapy and start therapy for yourself. Show her you are ready and willing to make changes in yourself.<P>Words mean little now and she must she action. I truely understand your frustration as I could be right there in minutes.<P>Trust GOD, stay in the now, and keep connected with people who care!<P>