I am new here. I know some of you are still hoping to reconcile with your spouses. I am hoping to reconcile. But just recently I finally started proceedings for a disolution. I have realized that he is not coming back. It is three years since discovery and he has been involved with the OW for eight years that I know of. I'm pretty sure of that because of all the searching through records I've done. We have been married 31 years. The reason I have decided to go ahead is that I just can't live with the humiliation any more. He is very public with the OW. We have been separated for 19 months now. He travels with her. He takes her out. Everyone knows. Here is what I am struggling with the most. How do you deal with the fact that they, the cheater, are so happy? How do I deal with him telling me that he is finally happy and fulfilled in a relationship? What was our marriage for 31 years? I feel like it was a lie. According to my husband, he had been unhappy for a long time. Why didn't he tell me? He never gave me a chance. Instead, he just replaced me with her. By the way, she is 20 years younger than me and very beautiful. He spoils her and dotes on her like he never did with me and has for years. Why should she ever give him up? She has told me herself that she is in love with him and will never leave him unless he wants her to. He actually has told me that if he knew himself and understood his needs as he does now when we met, he would never have married me. He tells me this because he says he feels so bad about how things have turned out. Doesn't he realize that this is like a kick in the gut? To be told that my marriage was for 30 years a lie? He still is always nice to me, responds when I call, invites me to family events, but yet she is still there. She lives only a mile from me. I see her driving around town now and then in the car he bought her. I can't even go out in peace because always I am looking for her. And, when I see her, it consumes my thoughts for the rest of the day and maybe the week. I would like to kill her. Sometimes I can't help it and I call him and rage at him. Useless and counterproductive, I know. But the urge is just too strong sometimes.<P>So here he is so happy. He actually looks great. He travels with her and takes time off from the office that he would never do for me. And she did nothing, nothing, nothing. She wasn't there when we were starting out. She didn't raise his child by herself while he was consumed with work. I try and try to get rid of this rage but yet it is the one thing that hangs on. Are there any of you out there who had your spouses leave you after a long marriage who are dealing with this? With their happy spouse living their life to the fullest? I feel like a shadow. Yes I am in counseling and yes, I've been told to get out and meet people, etc. I have many friends. I'm just not interested in dating and I've never been asked, anyway. I'm a 61 year old woman. It's not so easy to meet someone. And, even if I did, why would I ever risk going through again the worst pain I have ever been through? Oh, and everyone likes her. All the family that I thought was my family, his family that is, they've all met her now. I know that blood is thicker than water, but I truly felt these people were my family. Now I find out that they really aren't. I was just attached to him. Not that they aren't nice to me and not that I'm not welcome at family functions. I am and I go to them. I go to them because I will not back down and let them be comfortable with siding with him. I will go to remind them that I am there and that I was a part of their family for a very long time, some for all their lives. And I go because I know she can't go if I do. But it is very, very hard to visit with them and be friendly with them when I know they also see her and spend time with them as a couple and when I know that some of them even knew for years before I did. Some family. This makes me feel like a fool. But I will not stop going because they deserve to feel uncomfortable. I can tell they do and they deserve it. <P>So how do you deal with the anger? Here are two people, my husband and the OW, who have totally destroyed my life. The OW has taken all that was mine and he has let her. There is no fairness. There is no justice. There is no god. I was never much of a believer before but now I am definitely not one. Everyone keeps telling me to wait and that it will fall apart. Well, it's been eight years. He has tarnished his repuation, destroyed his family, and lost lots of money and all for her. For her, it seems, he will do anything. I never asked for much. Why couldn't he have done just a tenth for me what he has done for her? Why am I worth so little to him and she is worth so much?<P>I know there are no answers. Maybe I just have to accept that I will feel this way until I die. What a life.<P>Discarded

I wanted to say too that she didn't just destroy my family, my husband daughter and I, but she took my family away from me as in my husband's family. Nothing will ever be the same again just because these two had to be together.<P>discarded

Discarded, although on the surface our situations are a little different - I can really identify with how you feel. My husband, too, pretty much said that if he had known who he "really was" he never would have married me. He also sprung on me that we have been unhappy for a long time - and I too felt like, well thanks for telling me!<P>We have only been married 4 years to your 30, but I also feel like it has been wasted time in my life. I suppose that I am thankful to have found out after "only" 7 months.<P>Yes, it is disgusting and unfair that they walk around happy and without a care in the world. After I found out about the A and he said he would end it, he would come home after work (they are co-workers) whistling! Whistling while I was 8 mo. pregnant trying to hold onto my sanity. <P>You have every right to feel as angry and hurt at them as you do. I've moved away, to be closer to my family, but mostly because I can't bear to watch it - them. <P>I have heard of a program that I am going to look into for myself - called Divorce Care. I found some info under that name online -might be helpful. <P>I am so sorry that you do not have faith to hold onto because it truly gives me real strength, but I won't go into it if isn't working for you. <P>I don't have any great answer, Discarded, I don't even know that this helps but I do know that almost everyone here has felt or does feel just as you do. So please post often and let us know how you are.<P>Peace<BR>M.

Discarded, <P>I can fully understand how you feel. It is very difficult,especially when you have been married a long time, have so much invested in the relationship, and then have them do this to you. <BR>I can only say that you need to get rid of the resentment (I know, easier said than done). But it will eat you up and rob you of any life you still want to have. Divorce care is wonderful, check with your local church or family services group and get involved. Also consider individual counseling, it really helped me. <P>Do you have hobbies, desires to do things and never had the opportunity? Now is the time to do it. It will give you focus, and a new outlook. <BR>This is a depressing time, I have been through it myself. I was so consummed in resentment and hate for him, I didn't want him to have any life. But then I woke up and realized that I cannot change the past, or his choices, but I can live for the future and make myself the best I can be. <BR>If your H is happy, then so be it. You can also be happy again. Life will be different, but can be as good as you want it to be.<P>Keep posting here, we know where you are and can be a good source of support as well. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

I appreciate everyone's replies. I have looked into divorce care but I am just not interested in a faith based program. As I sad, what little faith I ever had has been lost through this. I am getting therapy. At first after he left the final time, I was going 2-3 times a week. I am down to twice a month now. I guess it and medication has seen me through the worst. But what I am facing now is what is left? Yes I have gotten through the worst, but what is left? Not much I'm afraid. A marriage that for years was the bedrock of my life which has been exposed as a sham and a farce. A grown daughter whose sense of family and whose faith in marriage has been totally shattered. And this seems to be the worst, a spouse who seems to be happier than he has ever been in his life. I mean, how do you deal with the fact that for years I begged him to work less, tried to interest him in doing things together, and was always rejected. So, I had just settled with the fact that he was a workaholic. Apparently not! Now he does these things with HER! Now he takes time off work with HER! Now he takes trips at the drop of a hat with HER! Why didn't he tell me years ago he couldn't be happy with me? Then I would have had a chance of rebuilding another life. Yes, I have hobbies and I am trying to develop new ones. But, sometimes I look around and see that it's just a bunch of pathetic women like me who are widowed or dumped and trying to fill our hours. Also, the betrayal by his family is just devastating to me. I know they don't see it as betrayal. They tell me they just don't want to be in the middle. They tell me that I am always welcome. But I know they know her. I know they see her and I know that some of them knew about her long before I did. And they didn't tell me. They didn't care about my marriage. And these people were my family. Really my only true family because I was never close to my own. They were my family. I was there for them and they were there for me for years until this. I didn't just lose my husband but I also lost his family. How do you deal with this? I feel my life has been blasted to bits and I'm left crawling around trying to pick up the pieces. And I never will be able to pick them all up.<P>

It is just so hard to see her, the OW. I saw her today. She turned the corner at an intersection while I was waiting at the light & pulled into a gas station on the corner. I know she saw me. I know she knows I saw her. What does she care? As I pulled around the corner I saw her hop out of her car in her little shorts. So then I am sunk mentally for today and maybe for days. I try all the tricks to block it out. It works for a few minutes sometimes, but I am just not strong enough to keep it out in the long haul. Eventually I just give up and it overtakes me.

Your posts made me cry. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain.<BR>I can't offer you any confort but I had to respond. I want to give you a big big hug.<BR>I'm so sorry. nobody deserve this kind of treatment.<P>I know it's very hard, but please try to focus on yourself, because thinking about OW or your H, or his family will just hurt you more.<BR>That's all I can say..<P>Take care...<P>Meg

His family is horrible. Period. Thirty years is a LONG time to be a part of a family and then just be let go like that. There are ex-boyfriends and girlfriends who get more respect than that in my family! I am appalled. <P>I am assuming you are a nice, decent person. Even if only for that reason, they should have more respect for you than that. Yeah, yeah, they want to show support for the H, but wrong is wrong. SHE would NOT be welcome in my house is she were my son's whore or my brother's. <P>As to how to live with their happiness? Someone said the best revenge is success. You live with it by making the best out of your own life. Who says it has to involve meeting someone new? If dating is not your thing, what is? Surely there is something that makes you happy? You know, if your love was writing, a solitary pursuit that probably garners no praise or recognition, and people thought you were wasting away alone, wouldn't that be better for your soul than either going out and spending time with people you don't want to be with for the sake of putting on a happy front, or pining way for him? You have no one to please but yourself, so why not do that? When you are truly happy, you won't have time to begrudge him his or even worry about if he is.

At first, I was so filled with anger towards his family, that is towards the ones that knew and didn't tell me. But I have to also say that there have been times in my life when I knew about affairs, not of family but of friends and didn't tell. I always followed what Ann Landers said about it, MYOB because maybe they don't want to know. Well I feel very differently how. How I wish someone, anyone would have told me. I know now that if I ever find out about someone else's affair, I will tell the betrayed spouse immediately and damn the consequences! His family makes me feel welcome. They invite me to things, but I know they always check with him first. I get the feeling that he minute I stop going to things, he'll start taking her. My daughter has never met her and has sworn she never will, so at least he can't take her to anything she goes to. I do know he would never do that to her. But, as to the rest of his family, he has once sister who died four years ago and I do believe that she didn't know about this or, if she did, at least never met her. His mother is not living, either. But, his father has met her, I know this for sure. And this is a man who I continue to worry about and check on. He has two brothers. One is a widow and will soon be remarried and the other is divorcing and seeing someone else. He did not have an affair, though. His wife left him. But, both these brothers have met her and have vacationed with them as a couple. Sometimes I think I am just unrealistic and selfish to feel betrayed by this. But I do and it is just one more hurt. I do spend a lot of time alone and it is getting better. It's just that some days are so much worse than others and yesterday was a very bad one. It is so depressing when that happens. It's like it happened yesterday sometimes.

Discarded...you might as well be describing me. Everything you are feeling, I am feeling. After 15 years of marriage my ex walked out on me and 3 kids (ages 14, 11 & 9) to shack up with the OW. His family (whom I love dearly) have welcomed her into their life like it's nothing. I am angry, enraged, hurt, sad, you name it. Sometimes I don't even know how I feel because there's so much and it's so varied. At least I know it's not just me. Everything you described is exactly how I am feeling. My ex comes to pick up the kids in OW's car with her dog in there with him. They go on weekend trips and to amusement parks and have all kinds of fun. He takes her on elaborate vacations. I used to BEG him to take time off with me for weekend get-aways and he never would. Like you, I raised his kids while he was busy working and going to school. What did I end up with? I have no college education. I work for peanuts. I'm overweight. Who would want me now...not that I ever want a relationship again anyway. Who needs this kind of crap again? I don't intend to ever let myself hurt like this again. Better alone. I am so full of rage towards her that it frightens me sometimes. I despise her. And not only does she have MY husband, but she gets my kids every other weekend too. Their affair has been going on for a year and a half. There is NO sign that it will ever end. Ex is happier than ever and has absolutely no problem telling me. He says we made a mistake getting married, we were too young, he never really loved me, yadda, yadda, yadda. This is the best thing, not only for him, but for me too. At least that's what he tells me. Funny, I don't feel any better. Oh, but he does. My life is nothing. I have no one who cares if I live or die. I honestly think if I disappeared tomorrow no one would even notice. I am not special to anyone. Thanks for letting me know I am not the only one feeling this way. Sometimes here people are so dang positive it makes me want to puke. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen & discarded,<P>I care.<P>I feel many of the same emotions as you. What we all need to do is find something that fulfills <B>us</B>. It is so hard to let go, but I must...for the sake of my own sanity. I really do miss the X, and I know that it isn't going to go away overnight - no matter how hard I try. Everything about the affair & OW seems to come back to slap me in the face - it just sucks. <P>I have seen a difference in my kids since the divorce, to the positive. They are no longer so quiet, like they're waiting for the other shoe to drop...what's going to happen next? My 14 yr old talks w/me more now than he ever has. So, I see the positive and try to go with that. I know it will take me a lot of time to heal.<P>Love & Hugs to you both. <P>Claire

Keri,<P>You must be a lot younger than me. I am 61. I am not overweight but I have had health problems. I look in the mirror and see an OK looking person for a 61 year old, I suppose. You can lose weight and can go back to school and yes, you might even meet someone. I feel that many avenues are closed to me because of my age. What would fulfill me is to have my marriage back. I always thought of my marriage as a lifetime contract. You stand by and with each other. So now he's not happy and no more standing by me. Why won't he fulfill his half of the contract? I fulfilled mine! The only reason I couldn't try and fulfill his needs is because he didn't tell me about them. I realize now that I should have paid more attention to our sex life. It embarrasses me to admit that it was down to 3-4 times a year. But he wasn't complaining, so I thought that he, like me, simply valued other things about our marriage more. What a fool I was. <P>I am trying very, very hard to let go of these issues with his family. At least, like you said, I now I'm not the only one who feels this way. These people were my family. They say they still are. But if they really were, why would they welcome her? Am I being unreasonable here?<P>

Claire,<P>I understand what you are saying but for 31 years my life has been about my marriage and family (HIS family). We also socialized a great deal, nearly every weekend. We had a big circle of friends. I say HAS because all these friends are couples and now, of course, I now longer fit in. Oh, the wives are happy to have lunch with me or the occasional dinner if their husband is busy but mostly I am avoided. Sometimes I feel like I have a disease. I guess they just don't know what to do with me. Also they are his friends, too. And since he is the man with the profession, the men care more about keeping his friendship I think. Some of them have actually socialized with him and OW, I know. This makes me feel like the old shoe that when they do invite me, it's just because of pity. He's the important one and now she is because she is with him. I do have some wonderful single girlfriends who have really been there for me. Isn't it funny that I remember feeling sorry for them when their husbands dumped them for younger OW? Now I'm in the same position. But they are good friends and I am grateful for them. But I am really at a loss, a complete loss, as to what to replace a marriage with. What hobby can replace a marriage? What interest can replace a marriage? I feel like half of me has been ripped away and I will forever be half a person.

When I was married, we spent most of our time with HIS friends and their wives as well. I was with him for eight years, and very, very rarely would he come with me to MY girlfriends house and spend time with their husbands. Even when I was married, my girlfriends would only get together with me when their husbands were doing something else. That is the way things are alot of the time. Men won't spend time with their wives friends. <P>After our divorce, I lost all of these "friends", who were never really my friends to begin with. I was only an attachment of him. This taught me a very important lesson. Either a) find a man who will spend time with me and my friends too or b) don't spend as much time with a man's friends. Most of the girlfriends I have now have learned this lesson as well. In all aspects of my life, I've learned that it is not good to be too dependent on a relationship for anything. Not for friends, not for family, money, children, you name it.<P>If the wives of your husband's friends are spending time with you, I wouldn't think it was pity. They are going against the grain and the normal state of things to be around you. I think they probably like and respect you a great deal. Odds are pretty good that they don't like what your husband did either, but don't feel comfortable telling their husbands to end their friendship with him.<P>As far as his family goes, well, I used to say to my ex that he could be an axe murderer and his family would still support him. We spent alot of our time with his family too, because they lived closer. His parents did not want us to get a divorce. I'm sure the only reason my ex stuck around for a year was to make it look good to his parents.<P>No parent wants to believe bad things about their own child. I understand that the worst things must be going through your mind when you think about the OW with his family. I'm sure they miss you very much, but they are his parents and they are going to put him first.

Although we did not have a very active social life, more of our friends were my friends than his. His friends tended to be people he saw at work and that was it. One of the many factors that I think precipitated his depression was when his one really good friend seemed to inexplicably withdraw from him. <P>But it doesn't matter - she just found him new friends.

Nellie1,<BR>I know this probably doesn't help much, but I think you have a very good handle on why your ex is acting the way he is. <P>When I was deep into my depression, I was convinced I had no friends, that my family didn't care about me, and noone would really care all that much if I went away, including my H. I hope your ex has the courage to get help someday. It may be too late to save your marriage, but not your kids. It was a good 5-10 yrs before my dad was fully recovered from the effects of alcoholism.

I wish my husband did act depressed! He doesn't. He acts like he has never been happier. He says this is not about her, it is about us. But, we did not have these issues before he met the OW. Then, all the sudden, he should never have married me. It must be at least somewhat about her.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by discarded:<BR><B>He says this is not about her, it is about us. But, we did not have these issues before he met the OW. Then, all the sudden, he should never have married me. It must be at least somewhat about her.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think it's ever really about the OP. They are there to fill a void. Some people are better than other people at filling that and bringing something nice into our lives, but I really feel it is more about the void than it is about the one who steps in to fill it.<P>Whether you see it or not, I believe your marriage DID have issues before the OW got there. Maybe you didn't see them. Maybe your H didn't even know what they were, but even Helen of Troy can't walk into a tight bond and break it because of her stunning beauty. There has to be something more. A moment of weakness. A feeling of not living up to life's promise. A midlife crisis. A feeling of not being worshipped. Whatever. If your H hasn't addressed that, it WILL come back to haunt him in his relationship with her. Take some comfort in that. Too many of us have been there to know that this is true.<P>I know it feels like the end of the world. Your friends are gone. You feel too old to start over and you've invested so heavily into your life, which was your husband and his family. What is left? <P>Well, YOU ARE! And that's a pretty wonderful thing all by itself!<P>Have you ever seen a toddler Be? He will do whatever he is doing with all his attention. He will laugh unconsciously and when he hurts himself, he will cry as if his heart has never been so broken. When he is done, he will find something else that engages his mind completely. He goes to bed happy and wakes up ready to just delight in it all again. What a fabulous way to be.<P>I find that the most wonderful lesson in how to be present in every moment. You know, kids don't worry about the future or the past. They experience what life gives them right then. <P>Yes, your family has been horrible. Yes, it is painful that your H has betrayed you after your years of devotion. No, you are not asking too much, but this is what you have. I can't tell you what joys you have in your life, but I bet if you opened your eyes, you could. You'd be cheating yourself if you closed your eyes, crossed your arms and said, "I don't want to play anymore" because you don't have the hand you want. Isn't it better to be like the child and just go for it with no fear, knowing you will fall ocassionally, but that it will all be alright?<P>Go ahead a grieve. It's a hard, hard thing to overcome, but you can. And you will love yourself even more when you come out on the other side, I promise you that. This will test your self esteem, your determination, help you find your desires, and maybe even give you a few pleasant surprises. <P>I hope I don't sound like I am lecturing or rushing you along. I just believe in you and know you will make it when you are ready.

discarded,<P>You mentioned I think that he spent lots of money, and that he seems like he has "never been happier". Could he be bipolar? <P>TheStudent,<P>I have seen a lot of signs that my H does think no one cared enough about him. He even told me that he always thought I cared more about the dogs than he - and I have no clue what made him think that. Even one of our kids said they thought he was jealous, apparently of the relationship of the kids with me. <P>Yet he makes very few attempts to nurture the relationship between himself and the kids - he seems to leave it all up to them.

Nellie1,<BR>In the up-side down thinking of a depressed person, he might believe he is actually DOING THEM A FAVOR by staying out of their lives. It is hard to comprehend, I know. Those times when I slip back into my depression, I have to consciously remind myself of all of the things my family and friends have done to show they love me. It is really hard sometimes. <P>Popeye,<BR>What you said about "filling a void" is so true. I suppose we are all looking to fill a void in some way. Like you said, some are better than others at finding constructive ways to do that.