And I would agree with Doc that she didn't see the trigger of the age thing w/ the kids..I guess I've had those triggers too with my own children over the years..and didn't realize what they were..but mine started so young from toddler so age 2 till I was a teen..and my dad left for a woman who is 5 years older than myself..and started a "new" family..and for me..my dad would leave and come back so many times over the years..<BR>be gone 6 months be home 6 months..so during the 6 months he was gone I had a little repreive only to have it start again..when he returned..(another reason I have a problem<BR>w/ H's job and his being gone and here and gone and here) and his drinking..it triggers all these same emotions..and w/ him wanting the sex when he comes in town..it's even harder for me..and when I can't and don't want sex I get the verbal slams as to how it's my fault he's got this "problem" and how I need to take care of it..and yes I feel guilty that I can't be the wife he needs..<P><BR>okay...I need to calm down and get my head straight here..and get my emotions in tack..<BR>can barely see the key board..will post more in a bit..

okay, I think I have my compsure back enough<BR>to write a little more..<P>I guess I know on one level I shouldn't feel "guilty" that I am not what he needs in a spouse..but it also makes me angry as hell..<BR>not at me..not at him..but at the abuser..<BR>and I need to allow that to sink in..and be able to express it to the person it needs to be directed at..something I was talking to my counselor about yesterday..I just need to be angry enough to do that..and be ready to give up those other relationships..and realize that they aren't healthy for me either right now..until I know for a fact that there is a change in their lives as well..I know that for one of the abusers he's changed..and has come to me seeking forgiveness..and he's in counseling..for himself...and our relationship has changed because of it..I must learn to accept that I may never get the apology nor the relationship a child needs w/ a parent..and be ready to deal with that..not just for me..but for my children as well..because they may never again see their grandfather because of the decisions I am needing to make for myself...I guess I just don't know if I have the strength right now to lose all of these relationships at one time..I guess THAT is where that faith comes in...<P>I guess between this post and the one on the other board it hit a nerve..Thank-you...<P>

Thornedrose,<BR>Done on this thread, continued in other forum.<p>[This message has been edited by Still Praying (edited October 13, 2000).]