I have not been on for quite awhile so here is a brief synopsis before my question....<BR>My husband had what I consider emotional affairs with three women through internet chat rooms in 1998-1999.... One of which culminated in a physical affair. We separated for about two weeks, during which time, he decided he wanted me back. I went and he made promises.... these promises he did not keep, although contact with OWs was minimal -- one or two emails. We also got off the internet for a time.<P>Then, for business reasons, we got back on the internet. The same emotional affairs started up, and I made an ultimatum, No more women on the internet, or I am OUT. Needless to say, I left in May. <P>Now he is saying he is ready to change. He wants his family back. Because of my employment contract, I could not move back until next summer anyhow. But should I really think about it? Should I trust him again? Does God want me to try? Legally, we have court orders on custody, visitation and support, but we have not started divorce/separation proceedings yet.<P>Am I in my rights (in the eyes of God) to ask for conditions? What is reasonable? I can honestly say that I do not love him anymore, but I am not sure what God expects of me. I believe that I could love him again, but trust would have to be rebuilt. I don't know if I want to try. Starting over with another relationship is certainly complicated. But it might not be any easier to be with him.<P>Obviously I am very confused!!! Can anyone offer guidance out there?<BR>Thanks.

NoraP,<P>Of course you can ask for conditions...<P>...if he really is ready to reconcile and <B>work</B> on the marriage!<P>Even in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... (around page 59)...<BR>...there is a discussion of <B>extraordinary precautions</B> (to) be taken to guarantee separation...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)<BR><LI> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)<BR><LI> Accounting for time<BR><LI> Accounting for money<BR><LI> Spending leisure time together<BR></OL><P>I have been in Plan A for 14+ months...<BR>...there will have to be conditions for my W's return...<BR>...although in my case...<BR>...I know in my heart of hearts... she will not come back.<P>Praying for you... <P>Jim

What if you approached it differently? What if you approached your situation saying that there is no way you would divorce your husband no matter what? Not that he needs to know that, just for your knowledge. I think maybe by doing that you may force your mind to come up with a different solution to your problems.<P>Infidelity is definitely a BIG problem in your marriage and I don't think God would have any problems with you setting conditions(rules) for your husband if that is what it takes.<P>I also think that you are to be commended in the fact that while you currently do no have any "feelings of being 'in love'" with your husband, you have enough faith that God would help bring those feelings back into your marriage, if you BOTH are committed to making it work.<P>Listen, my company is all about the Internet, and while I know the benefits it has to offer, I also know the evils it represents. My advice about the Internet is a simple basic concept most people overlook - put the computer in the same room where everyone congregates. Make it so that the screen is viewable from anywhere in the room. You don't need privacy to use the net! Finally you need to drill into your husband's head that just because he does not see the other women he writes, does not mean that it is not real!! Ask him if there was no Internet would he be calling the 1-900 sex lines on the telephone?<P>Keep praying for guidance. Look to God for your answers. Ask and He will answer you, just be sure you are LISTENING for the answers.<P>God Bless!

Just a few more thoughts...<P>Check out my posts starting at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000288.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Concepts in Christian Scripture </A>.<P> <P>Jim

TY for your responses.<P>In my case, he would take me back in a flash. But he is not ready to give up his 'friendships' he has made on the net.<P>The computer has always been in an accessible location. He is a master of the minimizing!!!! I even sat and watched him play cards.... but he flirted and teased and talked with women even then. Sad case I am afraid.<P>He does not believe these relationships are affairs... nor that they are addictive. But I believe both.<P>I may have to divorce him for financial reasons... he is piling up debt and I need to sever my finances from his. But I think I can just put the ball in motion and leave it there, without completing the divorce. If I don't sever my finances I put my job and therefore my children's livlihood at risk.<P>Oh and he never used 1-900 numbers... but he used the phone constantly before the net... it was his main way of relating, to both men and women. But he is relating... it is not really JUST about sex... in fact for him, it is not about explicit sex but suggestion.....and then it snowballs.