Today is really going badly. This morning was fine. We even went out and had lunch. Thought we were having a great conversation, but then...we got home and he found a reason to leave the house again. No warning, no conversation about it, Nothing. It looked like we were going to spend the day together, then he decided to go over to his ex-wife's house and finish up some work there. Anything to get out of the house, away from me and this situation. I AM SO CONFUSED. As soon as we got home from lunch he told me that he was leaving to go over there.. (would rather deal with someone he hates than be around me). Damn it hurts. I can't quit crying and I can't seem to get past this. Right now I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there until this is all over. The not knowing what is going to happen is driving me crazy. He hasn't gone to a counselor yet or made a decision as to if he is going to stay or leave. I am being patient. I have told him that I want this to work and I will change some of my behaviors so that I am not so overbearing and demanding. We even talked about the good times some today. What happened??? Am I losing my mind?? It HURTS SO BAD. <BR>When he left, I had starting tearing up and he tells me "You are still my wife". What does that mean? I wish I knew. I have always been such a strong person, but now I feel like I am so weak. Part of me thinks he is going to stay and try to work this out, the other part says he's already left, just keeps his clothes here. There is no other woman or anything else like that. I almost wish there was. Then I would have someone to be angry at. I feel so helpless and alone. Never knowing what tomorrow will bring. I used to be sure of myself and our future. I also know that we can never predict what tomorrow will bring, but I always knew that I would have his love and support. He is my best friend. How do you cope with losing your H and best friend at the same time? When do you give up and start over? Why? I can't decide if it is harder to have him here in the house or away. Everytime he walks out the door again my heart breaks. Everytime I see him I just want to hold him and tell him I love him, but only to be met with rejection. Then when I do start crying in front of him I feel guilty because I am making him feel bad. What do I do??? Where do I go???

I have much empathy, I feel your pain.......<BR>esp. the part about wishing there was another woman. I will add you to my daily prayer list. Something that helps me , (not always able to make myself do it, however) is doing something nice for myself, like exercise or a hot bath. Also when he is not around, let yourself, cry......really hard it is cleansing stress relieving, causes endorphins that fight depression..............hold your head up, you will be ok, God bless you.............

Please be sure, you are not alone...<P>I know exactly how difficult this is for you, my H is my best friend too and I would just love to be able to put my arms around him and say the things you want to...<P>When there isn't an OW it does make it harder, because it all seems so pointless and hard to understand.<P>My H has sort of said it's over and we have separated, but then he give me so many mixed messages, I am in limbo and it's so frustrating and whilst you don't want the end to come, at least you can then start to move on, however painful it is.<P>I get sick of people telling me to be strong (which like you I usually am) this is a loss and as such is a type of bereavement and you have to allow yourself to grieve. I hope with all my heart that you can work things out......<P>hugs<P>nep

I feel your pain. There are no easy answers it's just a wait and see game. <P>JIll

-Carol- NEP- Thanks, I need all the prayers I can get right now. Thanks for the sympathy and understanding, I am also in limbo, everyone keeps telling me to get out and do something. I just dont feel like it. Today I cleaned the pool, but thought, WHY?? I feel like my entire being is on hold. I am scared to death to do/say anything right now for fear that it will be the "wrong" thing. I wish that he would go to see the counselor with me or at least talk to me so that I know what I can do or what to expect. I am not afraid to be alone. I am afraid to be without him. I have always felt like he completed and complimented me. I also felt like I did the same for him. I know that most (not all but most) of the problems are caused by me and the way that I treated him. I did not show or tell him how much I appreciated him. I did however take the time to tell him whenever I thought he was wrong or did something the "wrong" way. I told him today that I wished I could turn back the clock and not have done/said those things, but I can't. All I can do is say that I am sorry, and that I will not get back into the same routine. <BR>We have always had so many other people in our lives (friends and family), and since we have lived together and been married, we just quit taking time out for just us. I always involved friends/family in our activities and just assumed everything was fine. He is very much the "family man" and very family oriented so I didn't think anything about it. I just wish now that I had payed more attention to what was going on and what I was doing to him. I wish that the words "I'm sorry" were good enough. I wish that I had my husband back. Guess that last sentence says it in a nutshell. <BR>Sorry these posts are so long. I just feel like I need to get it out and even realize that I am not the only person out here with my life on "hold"...

I know how much you hurt. I was there once, too. I yelled at God a lot. I spent a lot of time and money on the counselor - just for me, for my own sake. I knew that I could no nothing about him but I could work on taking care of myself to more nearly meet his needs. <P>I'll add you to my prayer list. I know this is a tough time and I pray that healing will come to both of you as well as to your marriage.

Don't be so hard on yourself...he's an adult too and if he wasn't happy with some of your behaviours he should have made you aware before now...<BR>You are not to blame for all of this...OK..we all contribute something to our situation, but don't lay the blame solely at your feet, that isn't fair....<P>I am feeling exactly what you are feeling and the best way I can describe it is that someone has placed a knife in my heart and twisted it....! Despite feeling there was noone else, I've since found out there is...but in the form of an internet/phone affair....that has really rocked my self esteem....<P>I wish that I could say it would be alright, but who knows....you will survive though..we both will, but we have to deal with this pain first...<P>hugs<P>nep<P>