Well this morning just after I replied to a post I found an e-mail that I wasn't supposed to see and found out that he and his daughter are moving. His XW was supposed to sell their old house and move into an apartment. Well.... Guess who is moving into the old house? H hasn't told me yet. I knew that it was coming by the way he was talking to me yesterday when he picked me up from the airport. Wont even look me in the eye. I am wondering if he is planning on telling me this weekend? If not, I am going to confront him and just ask him when. I am tired of playing a game here. If he is leaving, then leave. I feel like H is being cruel in giving me hope sometimes when he has already decided what to do. I dont feel like he will cheat me on anything in the house so I dont need a lawyer. I will let him take care of all that. He can have whatever. Question though? Since I dont know exactly when he was planning to move (XW was planning to move in December), should I let him stay until then? Should I go ahead and vacate the property until he actually moves. I am still not going to completely give up, but I am going to start living again. It will have to feel better than the existance that I have created for myself right now. Well guys, off to see the counselor. Will be back here later I am sure!!!

I am so sorry to hear that. I know what it feels like and it hurts. <P>Once you find out for sure, please go see a lawyer. Sometimes people change & change quickly, especially if they are being influenced by outsiders. I don't think my STBX would cheat me either, but we've workid out a separation agreement & I'm going to have a lawyer check it out before I sign it.<P>I'm really sorry this worked out for you this way. It feels like hanging on to a runaway train sometimes. <P>Take care<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Blindsided,<BR>I'm sorry to hear this. {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}<P>I do have a little advice for you though.... DON'T MOVE OUT. If you want, ask him to leave, but once you move out, he could say you abandoned him and the house, and keep it. If he won't leave, move him to another bedroom or the couch. <P>I'd also contact a lawyer. Not that you expect a problem, but did you ever expect this to happen either? I'm not saying to start paperwork, but meet with a lawyer or two... find someone you will be comfortable with if the need arises, so you won't end up unprepaired.<P>Good luck to you.<P>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Blindsided {{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I feel so bad for you. My heart hurts because I have a true sense of where you are. The disintegration of my marriage was a shock to me and x never told me directly that he was going to file. I overheard him tell his sister on the phone. <P>Yes, stay in the house. Yes, get a lawyer. You don't necessarily have to use the lawyer to do anything but sometimes partners turn out to have secret lives or selves from which we need protection. <P>First, and foremost, though - keep seeing a counselor whether it's the one you've been seeing or another. Your heart and head will need it. Who knows, maybe you'll change so much that you will be even more fabulous than the woman he fell in love with.<P>Though you may not see it now, life will get better. Right now you're living in fear and doubt and regret and self-loathing (because you didn't meet his needs). But there is healing ahead of you. Press on to that goal.<BR>But you need the lawyer and the counselor to help you take care of yourself so that you can get to the better place.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}<P>--Cinderella

Thanks guys. Actually a strange peace has kind of settled over me. I confronted him (via phone) about his plans and he finally admitted to what his plans were... Oh well. Most of you would probably be proud of me. I said "SO, when were you going to tell me?" His answer. When you got home. My answer. "Well, I'm home and I know". Rest of the conversation was rather civil. Asked when he was planning on leaving. Said he didn't know. Said that was fine, I wouldnt kick him and his daughter out with no place to go. Figured we have lived together this long whats another month or two as friends?? I also asked him to please not file yet and give it some time to see if this is still how he felt after a while. H said he would think about it. Even said I would be willing to be friends and see how that worked out. I just got back from my fathers house. Figured they had a right now know what was going on.. That went fairly well. I haven't even cried since I found out. Thought maybe it was because I am numb, but I dont think so now. I love him dearly and I am going to let him go in the hopes that he will come back. I am however going to start living and having fun again. I'm tired of being pitiful and weepy all damn day. The whole situation is in Gods hands now and he will do what is best. As for counseling, not really sure if I will go back or not. I no longer feel like I need it for me right now. I now know what I need to work on and will continue to do that and if I start slipping up I will return. I will continue to post on this board as I have become rather "attached" to it now. I enjoy the "misery loves company" thing and feel a sort of comraderie here. <BR>I am still sad and feel a very deep sense of loss, but I can no longer dwell on that. It's time for RECOVERY! And probably even a few beers tonight!!!!! Who knows. I was going to stay home and talk to him, but I just dont feel like it anymore. There is always tomorrow. If he wants to talk then he can stay home and deal with it. If not.. well then... I will go watch a football game or something. I refuse to continue being afraid to say or do anything. I FEEL ALIVE AGAIN. Geez, I knew that having a decision would make me feel better, but I just didn't know how much....

Isn't that amazing?<P>Yes it feels good to let go. Although I wanted more than anything in this world for my marriage to work, once I knew that would never happen, and I let go, the weight lifted off of me. I still have down times, but I'm planning my new life. I know I can survive without her and be happy again. <P>So can you.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Blindsided - {{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}<P>I feel for you. You're doing ok. But I do recommend you keep seeing the counselor. Do it continually for the next few months so that you'll have someone there when you hit the wall. Because you probably will. And if you really want to make changes in yourself, you might as well keep up the effort. Starting and stopping takes a lot of energy. <P>It does feel good to let things go. I have found that God takes care of things but He doesn't do all the work. I still have to work hard in between his miracles. He has been a wonderful source of strength. <P>But my counselor was a wonderful source of affirmation, common sense, and advice. It was worth every penny of what it cost.

Well, Todays update.... I went out last night for a couple of hours (for the last several years a group has gotton together every Friday night at a favorite watering hole). I haven't been out in over a month so it was really nice. Had a good time and came home to H and my Grandmother and cooked dinner. I was the "perfect wife" (and no not playing games, just this peace that has settled over me is great). We didn't really talk too much about anything. <BR> Well, yesterday I broke the news to my folks about what was going on... They were upset, but overall Dad took the news pretty well. This morning my Mom came over and started to give her advice... We (H and I) were drinking coffee at the table in the kitchen when she called... (I was telling him that I would give him the extra set of dishes, shop for some pots and pans, pack his stuff, etc...) << Sorry, just wanted to set the scene... Anyway mom walks over and plops down at the table... proceeds to ask both of us "Do you love each other?" She gets a yes from both of us... (I really wanted to tell her that this was between H and I and that we would handle it but decided what the heck... let her try and talk to him...). Anyway, she tells him that 1st year of marriage is always the hardest, etc... H starts to cry!!! First emotion I have seen from him. He seems very upset that I am now taking this so well. Guess it would have made him feel better if I had screamed and yelled and cried??? (Not really my style... have never been a screamer). Anyway, shortly thereafter he leaves to go do whatever... H runs from home everytime things get tough these days... <BR> Anyway, bottom line, my resolution... Be here for him, not crowd him. Let him makes his own decisions. Oh yeah... almost forgot... after the phone conversation yesterday he was really bummed for some reason, still not really sure why. Drove him nuts when I was acting like a stalker, but now seems upset because I am not giving him the attention and fawning all over him.. Go figure... Damn men!!! So he tells me that he is going to make another appointment with the couselor... What did I do?? I mean I am glad that he is making another appointment, but what did i do to evoke this emotion? Let go? <BR>Anyway, I am doing lots better and I know that when he actually leaves it will be really difficult so I do plan on seeing a counselor then.. (Watch it be the day before Christmas or something!!!) Holidays will be hard this year, but I decided to invite him over if he wasnt too uncomfortable... '<BR>Outta here for now... Football time!!!

You know, in a way, my holidays got easier after x left. Didn't have to make this noncommunicative man happy. Could do what I wanted. The only tough thing was that we had/have to share the children. These days I can put the xmas tree up Thanksgiving weekend and don't take it down till mid-January if I don't want to. I usually have my holiday bash (We call it the Cookie-bration) on the first Sunday after New Years because I'm usually in a funk then.<P>Glad you're doing ok. No matter what happens, keep seeking the counselor. Whether h stays or goes. If he should, miraculously, stay you would like to make some changes in yourself, right? If he goes, you'll need the support, right? So, what are you gonna do? Keep going, right?<P>Good girl!! {{{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}}

Ok, heres another update.... Damn am I confused about everything. Last night he went out to a birthday party for someone he works with... I of course was not invited and he said that he would be home early and call me.... I went out with some friends and watched a football game. Anyway, he didn't call and I paged him (for 4 hours) since he wasn't home early (I honestly was worried). No phone call.... Well needless to say by 1:30 am I was worried sick. I finally got ahold of him (he was ok), and on his way home. Just said that I was really worried, etc. He starts crying saying he's sorry, etc... Ok, I accept appology- End of story for me. Now today he is moping all around and kicking himself for not being more considerate and calling, etc... I say "You said you were sorry, it's in the past, dont worry about it". We talk some more and I ask him why can't he forgive himself? So, since he feels so bad, all morning his answer is to leave the house and "be alone". I ask "If you want to be alone, then why are you making all these phone calls so that you will have an excuse to leave the house early (he has to work tonight)?" Ok, so now we really start "talking". I asked him why he was running away from everything? I asked him if it make him feel better to not deal with things and then have them all come back at once (which is what is happening with our marriage). He can't answer. Anyway, more conversation. I try to explain to him why it has been so easy for me to change, and what I wanted from him. Love and respect. He asks me if I felt like he showed love to me? Before I can answer he breaks down and starts bawling at the kitchen table. Ok, so I walk over and just hold him. He regains his composure, says he has to use the restroom... Goes back into the bedroom, puts on some jeans and a shirt and has decided to leave the house. I tell him that I never answered him, and that would he please sit back down and hear me out. (By the way, all of this conversation is very civil not abusing or accusing or anything like that). I tell him that yes, you showed me in your own way, but there was always a part of you that you held back. Told him everything that he did right and how I felt with him. Told him that sometimes when I treated him badly it was because I spoke before I thought. That maybe I "grilled" him with questions is because I always new that there was a part of him that he was keeping to himself. There have been lies in the past dealing with very small things (like purchasing a piece of dive equipment and things like that). His answer was that he was "afraid" of how I might have reacted. I have never complained about him spending money or doing anything like that since he does work two jobs and I feel like his extra money should be his since we really dont need it for bills. I have even told him that on more than one occasion. I told him that trust was obviously a very big issue for both of us since I didn't trust him to tell me things and he didn't trust how I would react. (Obviously a big problem). Mostly these are issues carried over from this XW that were never resolved. <BR>Anyway, now he is dressed and ready to go. I probably did something very stupid at this point. (I had been rather proud of myself so far.) I give him a hug, he starts crying again, I tell him it is ok. I love him and I accept the fact that he is moving. I will not fight him on this or beg him to stay. So here is where I get stupid... I also tell him that running from this isn't going to make him feel any better. That these issues will still be here when he comes home tonight. I tell him that I dont want to hurt him. He says (because now I am crying because I feel so badly for him) that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I tell him that I am hurting for him and I wished I could help him.... Now he drives off... <BR>Sorry this is so long... but for those of you still with me, I have a question. <BR>I would like to hear from other people who have this same "flight" reaction? I have always dealt with things as they happen since I know that no matter what the problem isn't going to go away, it will only come back at a most inconvient time.. And still have to be dealt with. I am not angry or upset with him. I just feel sorry that he is incapable of dealing with his feelings and emotions. For those of you who understand this. What would my best reaction be to this? Just avoid any issues? At this point I can do that. I don't feel the need any longer to talk about the breakup with him unless it involves something physical (bills, living arrangements, etc). All of my cards are on the table as far as my feelings go so in my opinion I am done. The ball is in his court now.

Ok, back on this damned emotional roller coaster. Feeling a little anger now. I have been told for some time now that "I dont want to hurt you anymore" BS H doesn't want to hurt himself anymore, that's why he is running away from the house every chance he gets... Gets up this morning early on the pretext of getting blook drawn... Says he will be back around 11. I pretty much lost it. Said, "I take it you are going somewhere else besides getting your blood drawn. You planning on coming back or going straight to work at 5??? He is leaving, I can accept that, but if he plans on staying here for the next month or so, then I WILL have a chance to have my say about what I think about what he is doing in taking the easy way out and refusing to deal with things. Should I just write a letter to him? or should I tell him "Look, I accept that you are leaving, but I need to tell you exactly how I feel about how/why you are doing this?" HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blindsided,<P>Ok! Hold on for a few moments. Let's just look at this thing a little differently. First, your H is very emotional about all of this. He is very worried about how you react to him. IT IS VERY CLEAR THAT HE LOVES YOU.<P>So let us start with this primis. Second, it seems that you love him, but kind of on your own schedule.<P>You have admitted that you like to address things directly and get it resolved "right now". This works in business dealings, sometimes, it works when dealing with inanimate objects like computers and software. However, it doesn't often work with loved ones. You yourself have said you have a tendency to state you mind and then realize it wasn't the correct approach.<P>So what would the correct approach be?? Instead of saying anything quickly, back off and think about what you want to say and why. You H is doing this. You are mad because he leaves, but it is obvious that he is in a very emotional state. He has decisions to make, so what does he do? He backs off and thinks. He backs WAY off. <P>This frustrates you, but it seems to an outside observer this is better than making a rash decision and just doing it. Yet, he has kind of gone over board here as well. You may need a little bit longer time before connecting mind and mouth, and he may need a little less.<P>So rather than get frustrated with him, realize that this is his process. You are doing very well, in the non LB's and you are doing well in comforting him. He is starting to open up to you. Don't confront him about leaving, let him go to the counselor, don't encourage him to leave. Just do your Plan A and realize he is processing this in a slightly different manner than you would.<P>But I see good signs here. He is talking to you. He seems like a very damaged man. I don't know where the damage came from; you, exW, whatever. But realize that the damage is there, it needs to be healed not fixed. You can fix software, computers, cars, etc, but not people.<P>So, Blindsided, my recommendation is to go softly, let him process what has hurt him. Do your best to love him and let him heal. In fact from your description of things, I would strongly recommend that you two do somethings together, rather than doing "his thing" "her things" which seems to be going on. Finally, if there is someway he can help you with something, your feelings, anything, ask him to do so. <P>I sense reading between the lines, he doesn't feel he is very useful to you and that you don't really need him. THis isn't a new thought either, it would seem to have been going on for a long time. If you need him, Blindsided, let him now and allow him to help you. THis means even if you could address it faster yourself. He may just need to feel he is part of the team instead of a useless appendage.<P>Hope something I have said helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Justlearning made some very good points. My stbx traveded a lot the last 14 years of our marriage and although there was OW involved many of the things JL mentioned weakened out relationship to the point that she was able to get the advantage over me. <BR>When two people spend so much time apart, they tend to develop his life-her life and it usually stays that way even when you're in the same town. I felt more like the nanny and housekeeper than his wife. It's almost impossible to give the other person what they need from you under these circumstances. <BR>Because he was often gone I got very good at dealing with day to day life, problems etc. without him. He did tell me in one of his honest moments that he didn't feel needed. We all need to be need by those important to us.<BR>If you decide to do a plan A, from the view of the person who did not do the traveling, I think these things could have greatly improved my marriage. <BR>I also have to agree with most of the folks on this thread. Keep up the counseling. However this goes for you it is an emotional rollercoaster. My weekly visit got me through the roughest times.

Thanks JL and Jame---<P>I am coping better each day... I am learning (I'm a little slow sometimes) to just back off and let him deal with things. I did have an "outburst" yesterday, but I felt like he had to know that I am angry to. That I feel cheated out of a chance. Now that I have told him how I feel, it is much easier to just back off and wait. The hardest part will be the holidays and facing all of my family with all of the questions.. (I have a rather large extended family that has been quite fond of him) I wasn't going to go to Thanksgiving, but decided that I would. I did invite him, but didn't pressure and said either way it was fine.. <BR>Christmas is going to be rather difficult.. damn I am tearing up again.. because last year when we bought the house his family flew in from Agentina and all of our family and friends (about 80 people) were here for a great sit down family dinner. I know that this year it wont be the same (his family not here who I love dearly) and me alone. I made the decision the other night with help from family members to go ahead and do Christmas here again. I am not looking forward to our first Christmas apart in several years... But I am hoping that he will at least come by. Midnight mass will be the hardest though I think.... Ok, gotta quit thinking in the future... Today is today. <BR>OH!! PS>>> I decided to keep my dog..Spoke with my parents who agreed to help me out when I am out of town!!! THERE IS AN UPSIDE, cause she is soooooooooooooo cute. <P>arm6868@yahoo.com

I am so sorry, i know exactly how you feel, I wish this sick feeling in my stomach would go away<P>kaydee<P>------------------<BR>karen