Why is it that physical intimacy tends to become a “chore” for couples after marriage?<P>I think this feeling of obligation occurs more with women than men, but is it a lack of EN’s or just the feeling of “Well, I’ve got him now, why bother?”<P>Jayhawk<BR>

Ok, I'll answer this one but it's only how things happened in my marriage.<P>There were definately a lot of needs not being met. My stbx was abusive, an alcoholic, and a drug addict. I could only tolerate that for so long before I didn't feel like "being" with him. There's just something about being called names or hit during the day that kinda kills the desire to be with that person. So....yes it became a chore.<P>Mitzi

As someone who has been there an back, I'll say it was def. a function of needs not being met. I felt unloved and unappreciated, and like he simply wanted to use my body, not connect with me, so it felt like an unwanted obligation. <P>After a lot of work, our marriage is doing pretty well, and sex is not an obligation, but once more is a joyful way to connect.

Jayhawk, I have to agree with the previous opinions. EN must be met before you head to the bedroom. I felt ignored most of the time so fulfilling his needs became just another bothersome chore on the needs to be done list. I firmly belive that most women give sex in order to get affection. If my husband had been more generous with the affection both in and out of the bedroom I definitely would have felt more loving and responsive.

How things are inside the bed is directly related to what is going on outside the bed. I have a great deal of difficulty saying "No" and often will physically show the word without actually coming out and saying it but if I do refuse, it's really where I'm at and when I'm ignored I tend to become very resentful. Everytime I was bullied or guilted into doing something I didn't want to whether it was the act it self or some variation, the resentment increased 10 fold. I guess I'm kind of one extreme to the other. When someone says "I'm sorry" I forgive very easily but when they don't apologize, I also hold onto things.

I agree with the responses here. Wonen need to feel appreciated, loved, and not taken for granted in order for sex not to feel "another chore". Men are wired differently, IMO. They can rnjoy sex as a release from tension. Even when the marriage is not it's best, they can still have sex. Women just have a harder time of it. It does not make it right when women withold...but, some do.<BR>I did. It was a real mistake on my part. I was always a sexual person. But when I did not feel good about our relationship, I did not want sex. I did try talking to him, but it seemed to get no where. So, I devoted my time to my kids and my work and the home. I figured he was a big boy, and when he could be a true partner and take some of the load off my plate, then I would have time for him. <BR>Instead, he looked somewhere else. It was a true mistake for me to do that, but I just lost my resolve for trying until I found out about the affair. Then, it was too late. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Well, I have to bring up another subject. Do we women really have the right to withhold the object of a man's need before our needs are met? It seems that we are holding our husbands needs hostage. Now I admit that I felt 'used' a couple of times by my husband. But I also never used our bedroom as a battle ground. We discussed the times it felt wrong and I responded as often as I could to his needs. Not that we are a good example -- we are headed for divorce.<BR>

NoraP<P>Do we men really have the right to withhold the object of a woman's need before our needs are met? It seems that we are holding our wife's needs hostage. Now I admit that I felt 'like a butler' a couple of times by my wife. But I also never used our bedroom as a battle ground. We discussed the times it felt wrong and I was understanding as often as I could to her needs. Not that we are a good example -- we are headed for divorce.<P>tom<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited November 20, 2000).]

X would have preferred me not be interested.

Jayhawk,<P>Nice topic to this post! Funny guy... <P>I think the women here nailed it right on the nose - men and women just feel differently about sex - plain and simple. I don't think either is right or wrong though. <P>Growing up did you ever have a teacher that you really liked and you find that what she taught still sticks with you today? I had one and she taught sexual education in high school. She was great. She had one line that I must have heard two to three times a day in her class: <P>"It's not right, its not wrong, its just different".<P>Still until today I find myself referring to that comment all the time.<P>I think this is one area (sexual issues) that is so often not talked about in a marriage - I know it wasn't brought up in mine. And I now know that it NEEDS to be discussed. Only after my wife moved out, did we finally address the problems in the bedroom and now looking back it would have been SO EASY to fix: <P>Usual situation:<BR>I came home stressed out and was "short" with her. She was tired to begin with and my being "short" with her did not help at all. When we got into the bedroom her "car wouldn't start" - why? Because I made the garage soooo colllddd!<P>According to her, there were many days where all she thought about, was me "in that way" but when she got home she was turned off by my attitude. And in fact there were many days when I thought about her "in that way" and when I tried to "start" things I felt hurt that she would not want to play. And I did not know why???? We never discussed it!<P>What a simple solution it would have been for me to come home, leave my stress at the door (at least for a few hours), shower her with sincere compliments and give her my attention. The end result, the bedroom would have been much warmer, my feelings would have not been hurt, she would have gotten the feelings she needed and the stress I came home with would have had a natural outlet to be released.<P>Hindsight is a great thing, isn't it?<P>Mike

Mike,<P>Hindsight is indeed 20/20. I was mildly lucky, in that I learned while I was still in my marriage that often guys need the sex to feel the love, whereas gals need to feel the love to have sex. In other words, there were times when STBX would have a bad day at work, be a grump with me, and then want sex--and this puzzled the heck out of me until I figured out it was his way of getting back to feeling love. Well. . . whatever. <P>I think it becomes a chore when BOTH parties are not having their needs met--not just the ladies. For example, if the lady doesn't occasionally go for the intimacy (even if she may not particularly feel like it at that second) then the poor guy has difficulty getting back to the love feeling. Pretty soon she's cranky because her needs for affection aren't being met, and he's cranky because his need for sexual fulfillment aren't being met (or vice versa), and then it's a whole pot of trouble.<P>It becomes a "chore" when ENs aren't met, LBs are abundant, and it is a physical act and not intimacy.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

How true!!<P>I agree 100%.<P>Don't you think God (or whatever supreme force a person believes in) has an extremely great sense of humor???????? Why else would He/She make men and women sooooo different! <BR>There has to be some cosmic laughter going on up there as they watch us muddle through this life!<P> <P>Mike

I agree with everyone.... women need affection for sex.... men need sex for affection....<P>Mike, <BR>As an answer (or at least my thoughts) to your question....<BR>In a "perfect" world..... it would be the very best perpetuating circle you could imagine.... <P>When it goes wrong however, it's the most vicious catch 22.<P>B

Mike,<P>I DEFINATELY think God has a wicked sense of humor. Platypus are proof! But I bet He/She also gets quite a kick out of watching us try to relate to each other. I have to be honest--it's funny for me to watch sometimes, and I'm just a lowly human. <P>Now, I wanted to make a comment on Nora P's and WIFTT's comments about withholding the object of someones's needs. In an idea situation, both parties are supposed to be putting the needs of the other party at the front of their mind (Giver) while simultaneously being aware of their own needs. Personally, I think it is cruel for either party to withhold from meeting the needs of the other. I think that's were a lot of the deep hurt is begun. We all have some Taker in us, and at some point we all want to have our needs met, but I think to consciously withhold--either affection or sexual fulfillment--is nothing short of cruel.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Well, I for one have learned my lesson on this one. If I ever find anyone else (or if she ever came back) I'll never take her emotional needs for granted.<P>Yes God probably gets a chuckle watching us interact. Not only are we different species, we're not even from the same planet <P>You'd have thought he'd at least have provided instructions with women. (not that we EVER read the instructions )<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

The instruction book for women is right next to the map. <P>Oh, no wonder you guys never found it! <P>(smiling devilishly)<P>Let me guess. The instuction book for men is under the hood, huh?<P>Heavy Sigh. <P>Want to exchange copies?<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

My situation was the opposite - my H was the withholder. He would not tell me why he was withholding, until our marriage was irreparably damaged. By refusing to have a loving relationship with me, he disconnected emotionally from me as well as physically. Or maybe he disconnected physically because he disconnected emotionally, but in any case, he did not come to me and tell me of his apparent unhappiness. He would refuse sex for long periods of time, until I got so worried and upset, that he would reassure me that everything was really alright and act loving for a period of time, until he decided again that he was unhappy. I never refused him, and was always an enthusiastic partner. (I figured I might as well make the best of it, because once he went into withdrawal, there was no telling how long it would last.) At first, I figured that he just wasn't as sexual as he seemed when we first met, and because he had high blood pressure and was on medication, that his performance and desire levels were affected by his medication. For a woman in love with her husband, and being rejected on a continuing basis, this was not an easy thing to endure. I felt unloved, unneeded, unwanted, and unattractive. It got to the point that he could only manage to have sex 2-3 times per year. I did not want to pressure him, but would ask him what was wrong (nothing) and would he please come with me to get help/counseling (no, we don't need it, nothing is wrong). Well, to make a long story short, even though I was the one severely deprived, he was the one that had an affair and walked out to go to the OW. They are now married. Wonder if he has started the withholding routine with her?!?!?<p>[This message has been edited by Lady M (edited November 20, 2000).]