In January it will be a year since D-day and I just need to talk through some of this. It is hard to believe I have been posting and lurking for almost a year. I look to D-day with both dread and anticipation - a horrible day but also the day I stopped living a lie. <P>I am most sad now when I look at our beautiful son (conceived right after he started the affair). I am still angry and resentful that my son won't have both of his parents all the time. I have some guilt because I moved us several hundred miles away to be with my family. But I just couldn't stay and watch him destroy our marriage. It was breaking my heart.<P>Only when we talk about visitation schedules do I get upset about the D. I just can't bear it some days - to talk about splitting our son like he is a thing, instead of a child. This isn't what I want or hoped for my child. I cry as I write this, actually, I sob as I write this, because it, all of it, feels so wrong. <P>I want to believe, I want to hope that things can change, but,to paraphrase what someone wrote here, despite all of my prayers and work, God won't cross my H's free will. <P>I don't regret that I Plan A'd as long as I could, or that I've moved and am filing for D. In many ways I am thankful to be able to start a new life. I am just so sad, still. <P>Thanks for listening to my rambling message.

What you are feeling is normal. You are grieving a loss. It sounds to me like you have no regrets because you did Plan A and that is the purpose, to end things on a high note.<P>Hang in there and GOD Bless,<P>Bob