Hello,I'm using my wife's e-mail for this letter.<BR>I'm new to this use of the internet for any reason or help,so forgive me if I sound stupid.<BR>Here's my problem,my wife and I are contemplating divorce.A lot of this has to do with my own lack of personnal commincation,I tend to shut down when we have discussions on any topic.I love my wife,she justs seems to be more educated with words,witts,and is very aggersive person.Does anybody have any ideas on how to help with my communication. THANKS<BR>

Have you told her feel this way? If not, that would be the first place to start. The fact that you, as a guy, are even asking for help speaks volumes to me about your sincerity. <P>It helps if each spouse understands the inate differences berween men and women in communication; need for it, styles, etc. A great book is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I would suggest reading it together, out loud to each other. You read the woman part, she the man.<P>Once the difference between the sexes is fairly understood, you can address each others personal communication skills, styles, fears, etc. You said she's aggressive. Does that mean you feel like you're being interrogated? If so, I would clam up pretty fast. If her style intimidates you, then you must each make some changes. She should recognize your discomfort and alter her style accordingly. You may need to consider not being so timid or afraid to speak your mind. Of course, we all need to feel safe in expressing ourselves. In short, communication is a two way street; give and take.<P>Good luck and let us know how it goes, what works, what doesn't. <BR>

KKMW<P>when you say W&I, are you saying that you are also contemplating it? <P>In reality, this section is for already divorced, or in process.<P>I recommend that you post under the Emotional Needs boards, and the general questions board, since the people there will tend to be more helpful, as that is where strained relationship help can be found.<P>BTW my XW and XFIL,XMIL are the same way. they take EVERYTHING personally, and if you disagree, they shut down. now this is a personality type characteristic as well as a possible Family of origin issue.<P>my suggestion for you is to start by educating yourself on how to communicate, because ANY relationship you have thrives and grows on it. my XIL's can't communicate and have a pathetically dysfunctional relationship,, and it got carried over into our relationship.<P>so do yourself a favor, whatever way you learn the best, a Dale Carnegie course, personal counseling, reading, figure out what best way to educate/fix your own problems, and then your wife will benefit from it. and remember,you can really only change yourself, and usually for the better, whether for this relationship or for your next one.<P>good luck,<P>WIFTT

Mr. kimkaymilkyway,<P>Let me relate a story of my own that happened a little more than a year ago. My W and I had begun going to counseling the fall of last year. She had gone a couple times before me, so the counselor was more aware of her feelings at the time. I was VERY apprehensive about going to this man. I tend to be shy when first meeting people and the fact that I had to go to someone to help me fix my marriage, gave me the impression that in some way I was a failure.<P>The first meeting I had with the counselor I truly believe helped change my life. That first meeting, before I knew it, I was opening up to this man and telling him things I didn't even know were inside of me. I even got teary-eyed. Now I am a young guy (30yrs old), 6'2" - 220 lbs - Football player in high school and college. A guy's guy. Tough on the outside yet here I was breaking down to a total stranger. At the end of my first meeting, the counselor looked a little perplexed about my situation. He asked me to write a letter to my wife telling her all that I loved about her - everything. He said to keep writing - don't let the pen stop. Write and write until my hand hurt. It didn't have to make sense or be full sentences - just write what I felt.<P>I brought the letter in to him the next time we met. He read the first page and told me that there was no doubt in his mind that I was totally in love with my wife. BUT, he said that she had no idea of just how much I loved her. My problem? I never voiced my feelings - for whatever reason I stopped telling her how I felt about her.<P>Looking back on that "exercise" I realize what it had done. It helped my break through the clog I had. Since that day, it became easier and easier to tell my wife just what I was thinking and feeling. Sure it was tough at first and I had to "force" myself to do it. But you know what? After time it became second nature. And it did not just stop at my wife - I became much closer with everyone who was important in my life.<P>I only wish that my story had a happier ending, but as of right now my wife has filed for a divorce. You see part of my problem was that I waited too long to tell her how I felt about her - really tell her. And she began to grow apart from me. Sure there are some other issues involved with us - some my fault, some hers. But the bottom line I truly believe is that our divorce (or potential divorce) is related to our lack of communication all throughout our marriage.<P>If you can't talk to your wife - write her. Everyone is different. Some people express love through touch - others through their voice. And some have a much easier time writing (at least that is how I am). If you feel you can't talk to her right now - try writing her a letter. <P>Now if you get into an argument/discussion with her, I know it sounds weird but give yourselves a "time-out" and go upstairs and write each other letters. Then exchange them and read them.<P>So often in arguments we as humans get caught up in "trying to win". A lot of times after the first few minutes of the discussion, neither can even remember what the argument started over. By writing and then reading, you force yourselves to truly "listen" to what the other person is saying before you can jump in, interrupt them and reply. <P>After a while of the "writing exersize" you may both find that your discussions become more "two-way streets" and things will get better.<P>It may sound like "hocus-pocus", but I feel if we both tried this years ago, we would not be in the situation we are now in.<P>Take care and God Bless.<BR>Mike

Communication is a lot different than an exchange of words. You can talk till your blue in the face and never communicate a single thought.<P>Suggestions?<P>Quit what ever it is your doing now that you call communication. If you continue doing the same old thing you have always done, you are goin to get the same results.<P>Start with His Needs Her needs. If you both are TRYING to make certain you are meeting your spouces needs in your communications, it's a lot easier.<P>Pick a subject and stick to it! So often "communication" turns in to a laundry list of what the other person has done wrong, and it is then used as an excuse for not changing. Agree together what the discussion is about and STICK TO THE SUBJECT.<P>Should tempers flare, WALK AWAY! It takes two people to argue, don't be one of them. When you walk away, think about what went wrong and how YOU might have handled it better. After a reasonable amount of "cooling down" time, come back to the discussion. DO NOT leave it unresolved regardless of how many time you must start and stop.<P>Drop the witty remarks. Making witty remarks in a serious discussion is called being a smart a**. They are only witty to the person using them as a crutch to real conversation.<P>BE HONEST! Be honest about your feelings, be honest about your mistakes, be honest about what it is you want or desire, be honest with yourself. Consider everything you say and hold it to the toughest "honesty test" possible.<P>Keep trying. So many of us fall into the "I tried and it didn't work" trap. So what? Try again.

Hello to KimKay's husband,<P>Welcome to the Marriage Builders site. I would first suggest that you create your own screen name so its easier for everyone to communicate between you and your wife. It gets confusing when people start sharing a name.<P>For some people communicating comes so easy it can be taken for granted. If this is not the case for you, it is never too late to learn new skills. I think His Needs, Her Needs is a great place to start. <P>I was unsuccessful in saving my own marriage, however, my spouse did not want to try. I do use a lot of those principles now in my current relationship and they work great!!<P>Also, as far as a counselor goes, if you find one that you both feel comfortable with this would be a great place to start too. 6 years ago, my H and I went and within a few months, and lots of hard work and relationship building projects, we fell in love all over again! Unfortunately he had an affair last year and is gone now, but I strongly believe that when two people both want to try, it is very possible to save a marraige.<P>Also, as far as having nothing in common, if I read that right on Kim's other thread, over time, we do change and grow into different people than when we met. That doesn't mean we have to go our seperate ways because anyone you meet down the road will change too. A strong couple will grow and change together. I know a couple thats been together over 25 years and still acts like newleyweds!! They do this by continuously trying new things and new experiences as well as taking one night each week, or at a minimum, every other week, for a quiet romantic dinner. Another good place to try "communicating" is on a long car drive. This is always when I have a great discussion! (no cheating with the radio on!)<P>Maybe you and wife can make a list of all the things you EACH have always wanted to do, or go. Start experiencing some things together and you will have more to communicate on , as far as a "non-relationship" level and may get lucky and find some recreation you both like!! This was one of the things I worked on in the past.<P>I wish you both best wishes in your efforts. Keep us posted and check out the whole MB site that goes with this forum if you can't get the books right away.<P>DanaB<BR>