I am so filled with mixed emotions tonight.<BR>Received a christmas card from STBX signed <BR>Love <BR>(h's name/dad)<BR>It was addressed to me and our son.<BR>Just when I want to call it quits. Just when I've convinced my heart this is all over and I am done with him...<BR>Nothing else written on the card. <BR>It was purchased special but no sentiments to wife or son on the card....<P>I am a mixed rollercoaster of emotions...I just feel like sending it back and telling him to keep his CARD....<BR>Yet I thought about sending one too the other day and decided not to becuase he doesn't want a family so why should I bother...Now this....<BR>I have given him sooo many chances and I feel I can't give in to this little card and TRY to rebuild our marriage just to have him throw it back in my face....<BR>Yet it hurts so bad to let go completely....Well there ever come a time where his voice, or seeing his name doesn't stir up such sad feelings inside me...<BR>What should I do? Pretend it never arrived, send it back? I wanted to plan B....but besides falling off the face of this earth...it seems I can't do that....Change my number? Please help I want off this DAMN ROLLERCOASTER RIDE!!!!!!!!fOR GOOD.....<BR>Tyra<BR>

Wow Tyra, <BR>You sound just like me! I went to where I used to work to pick up my paycheck and was telling my coworker about my husband. I am not working there for now, until I get my personal things figured out, then I get to go back. <P>My husband has called me 3 times in last three nights after we have been separated for a couple months now. <P>I was telling my co-worker how my husband and I have been on a rollercoaster for a while now. I know in my heart that I WILL DECIDE when I am ready to get on or off the roller coaster and nobody else can! I am contemplating on what to do right now. Someone in the forum told me that I will know when the time is right, if I should get a divorce or not. <P>I believe that in your heart, you will know when you are ready to either get off the roller coaster or stay on for any length of time. <P>For now, if it was me, I would just throw the card away---unless you want to keep it! With the holidays coming up, I am real fearful that my desire to be 'a family' during the holidays will cloud my best judgement. I don't want to get together only to discover that I really didn't want to and in the meantime, send the wrong message to my husband and children. <P>The pure fact is, I could really care less if we get together or not. For me, this is a big sign of where our marriage is going. <P>But, depending on how long you've been separated and how you feel, will determine what you do next! <P>Hope this helps! I know it helps me to know that I am not the only one on a heart, mind, and soul breaking roller coaster ride! IT IS NOT FUN! <P>But, for now, I decided to get off the roller coaster and take the controls for a while! Whether or not I get back on the roller coaster is up to me! <P>My best to you Tyra!!

Tyra, repeat after me: It's just a card.<P>It is just a card. Don't let it get under your skin. Now, this advice comes from a woman who has lived on her own for 2 years this month and has been divorced for 1 1/2 years and still must deal with her XH and it drives her nuts. He really does! But old habits -- like sending Christmas cards -- die hard and guilt (it's probably some kind of guilt) is a powerful thing.<BR>Throw it away on Jan 1 and don't look back.

I guess I will never understand, when my H doesn't even call the kids on Christmas or their birthdays, much less sending all of us a card.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wordvixen:<BR><B>Tyra, repeat after me: It's just a card.<P>[It is just a card.] I said it 3 times... [But old habits -- like sending Christmas cards -- die hard and guilt (it's probably some kind of guilt) is a powerful thing.]<BR>He use to get our oldest to buy cards for him ...so this is not an old habit. It is a way of control...and I realize that..<BR>Throw it away on Jan 1 and don't look back. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Today I got a card and a check from MIL with a note please buy(son's name) a gift from us...<BR>From in-laws that covered up for H and have not called our son or me once since H left...and NOW they want me to act like nothing happened and [b]I[b/] should go buy son a gift from them....I THINK NOT.....<BR>I did give him the money and told him it was from his grandparents and he could do whatever he wanted with it....<P>I will get over this and will not let it ruin my holidays...I have the most important thing in the world this season....MY kids and grandkids...Christams morning we may not have much(gift wise) but they all understand and as my son said...We have each other mom,we're toghether and have alot of LOVE and That is what IS IMPORTANT!!! Right ON!!!!!

Tyra,<P>Keep the card at least for your son..since it<BR>was also addressed to him..no need for you to<BR>throw it out because of how he is acting..<P>My stbx bought me a card for my birthday this<BR>year..something he hasn't done in years..<BR>didn't sign it love just his name..<P>He does the same things though..he will do something that will make me think he has changed..but then..he'll do something else right after that and I'm like..No, I made the<BR>right decision..exp..he sent me a msg the other night online...just wanted to say Hi, how are you doing? but, I wasn't near the computer..so i couldn't respond back..well<BR>the next msg was like..WELL FINE, I GET THE POINT, YOU DON"T WANT TO TALK TO ME!! I"LL JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE THEN!! <P>So I had this one where I was like..okay, I was going to reply..then I read the next one<BR>and it's like..KISS THIS!! I msg'd him back saying..Hi, sorry, but I wasn't near the computer and didn't get the msg..and he came back w/ this..WELL, YOU JUST DO THAT TO EVERYONE DON"T YOU..I was like..well, if I'm not near the computer and they msg me..YES!!!<P><BR>Shoot I need to get to work...I'm going to be<BR>late...grrrrrrr

tyra, i know exactly how you feel. my d is up on monday and h has sent me 3 cards this month, 1 for my birthday on the 1st, 1 just because he was thinking of me on the 8th, and yesterday we got a christmas card addressed to me and my sons. he writes from the person who loves you dearly and misses you all (underlined). i've not replied to any for i'm afraid he'll talk me into delaying our D again (as he has several times in the past year and half). my sons tell me, mom he has changed! i know it hurts them to know that monday it'll all be over (and their 15 & 17 years old)but i'm tired of that rollercoaster too. i keep all the cards he has sent me (about 8 or so in the past year and half) i guess because i still care about him but not certain he has changed and time is running out. hang in there! i'm with you my sons keep me going.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by confusedspouse:<BR>[ [quote] he writes from the person who loves you dearly and misses you all (underlined).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BR>Have you ever asked him IF he does loves you and misses you dearly, Why isn't he home? Why isn't he doing anything and everything to come home? <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> i guess because i still care about him but not certain he has changed and time is running out.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Confused I know time is running out...I also don't know your situation. <P>In my case My H has never once said he wants to come home and WORK on rebuilding the relationship...He says "I don't know what I want". <BR>I suspect he wants it BOTH ways to be a little bit married....but a little single too.<BR>I'm sorry but it's like being pregnant you are or aren't!!! Period...<BR>He can't see that...so NOW i must move on with my life. <BR>Maybe that is how you feel too. <BR>I still Love my H...but the person he was not is now....<P>In fact I have reflected and if I was to meet him TODAY for the first time and KNOW what he has done to his family...I would walk away FAST and never look back. <P>I've had to ask myself do I want THIS man back in my life...the man he is now?<P>No way...and suddenly I have felt a calmness these last few days that is so wierd.<BR>I go on with my life...I've made sure I am not around when he is suppose to call our son( so I won't be tempted to pick up the phone). Every time the URGE to talk to him comes over me I tell myself NO CONTACT....and repeat it many times until the feeling passes....so far it's working.<BR>I guess I am trying to do a true plan B...as I understand it. It is for me to get over H and move on with my life....<P>I will say and I know you will too...if not for our children....I think I would have been in a padded room by now...Thank God for them!!!<BR>My best to you and your boys this holiday season...<P>If they believe thier dad is changing...tell them you are happy for <B>them...</B>because this way he will be a part of their lives forever...

Tyra,<P>We've been divorced for sixteen years. In those sixteen years, we have never missed exchanging both Christmas and Birthday cards. We even exchanged those cards after she ran off with the bus driver. <P>We have also never considered romantic or husband - wife involvement. period.<P>From my prospective, she is still the woman who brought me three children into this world. She is a very fine person and a wonderful mother. She deserves to be loved, respected and honored by me.<P>When we meet at family affairs, there is no tension anymore, everyone gets along, and we all try to do each other kindness. But when I get home, I get down on my knees and thank God that I am not married to her any longer. Pretty safe bet she says her prayers too.<P>So why the cards? Simple, the spirit of Christmas..... Peace on earth, goodwill toward men. Things like this go a long way toward the healing process when the divorce is final.<P>I'm too old now for it to make much difference, but in looking back on my life, I will never cease to stand in awe of the effect that small kindnesses can have in human relationships, and particularly in relationships between men and women. <P>Merry Christmas to all.<P>Bumper