Oldest son (19) makes plans to spend time then backs out of committment. I told him my concerns on Christmas and basically got a none response!<P>He has been through three marraiges with his mother and I adopted him when he was nine. I keep putting out requests for time he makes plans then backs out!<P>I quit! Any ideas?

Sometime steer the conversation to a situation where you felt conflicted about doing something, and would back out; or find an example of a similar situation elsewhere. <P>Tell him the reason you didn't want to do it, or that the person you describe didn't want to do it; and see if you can find out what's keeping him from following through. <P>The results could be surprising. Peer pressure or fear of seeming to favor you over his blood kin are a couple of reasons I can think of now, but the real answer could be completely different.

I'm grateful I'm not in your shoes. He's probably hurting pretty badly himself. All I can suggest is to keep the lines of communication open. Be there for him. Let him know you'll talk if he wants to. Don't put his mother down. Tell him you were disappointed. Don't put him down. Don't criticize him. Just state, "I was really disappointed.... I had looked forward to it." Or something like that. Remember he's still a teenager and he is in pain himself.<P>But this is only my opinion. I have no experience. But it sounds like what the "experts" say.

<B> DON'T QUIT! </B><P>change your approach, that's always the answer if the current approach doesn't work.<P>to what, I can't answer, but whatever you are doing is not working, and he is probably very loyal to his mom. so figure out a non threatening way to talk to him by sharing something with him, by doing something with him.<P>or possibly by going to counseling with him.<BR>that might make a safe environment for him to open up.<P>just some suggestions. but he also might have learned to be a quitter from his mom. he also might have got the message "not to get close for fear of getting hurt" from his mom.<P>just some places to look.<P>tom

I have invited him to movies, I don't say negative things about his mom. I told him that I and his brothers were disappointed that he changed his mind yet again.<P>I asked him to go to counseling and he declined. <P>

The Rock<P>As she grew older her teenage daughter became<BR>increasingly rebellious. It culminated late one night when the police arrested her daughter for drunk driving. Mom had to go to the police station to pick her up.<P>They didn't speak until the next afternoon. Mom broke the tension by giving her a small gift wrapped box. Her daughter nonchalantly opened it and found a little rock inside.<P>She rolled her eyes and said, "Cute, Mom, what's this for?"<P>"Read the card," Mom instructed.<P>Her daughter took the card out of the envelope and read it. Tears started to trickle down her cheeks. She got up and lovingly hugged her mom as the card fell to the floor.<P>On the card were these words: "This rock is more than 200,000,000 years old. That is how long it will take before I give up on you."<P>Perhaps anything less than 200,000,000 years is simply giving up too quickly!<P><BR>He's a teenager. You know how that was. You want to be loved by your mom and dad, but you also want to look tough and cool in front of the guys and slick in front of the babes. Keep on trying, be his FATHER, not his friend, and help him get through this.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Thanks again for the input I will continue to try but it is getting tiring. I have never wanted to be his friend I am his father but his breaking of promises really bugs me kinda reminds me of his mother.<P>Maybe he did learn something from the three divorces she has had, sorry just a little irritated right now.<P>It has been 8 months and my sleep continues to be an issue. Sometimes I sleep and sometimes I am up the entire night. I even dream that I am not sleeping when I am sleeping! How weird!<P>Appitite is good have gained back some weight but only about 1/3 of what I lost. Wow when will it end, I pray continually that the kids and their mother be ok but I worry that they will not!<P>See you guys later!

3 divorces? You've got a kid on your hands with huge abandonment issues. My guess is he is "abandoning" you before you can do it to him. Life experience has taught him that people leave and love is not a guaranteed thing. He has built up some coping skills of his own - get out before you get hurt. By continuing to invest in your relationship with him, he continues to put himself at risk for being hurt when you eventually leave. It doesn't matter that those were marital relationships and this is a father/son one. Logic has no place in teenage emotions.<P>Basically, he's testing you. Even while he pushes you away - he wants you to remain steadfast but he's betting that you'll bail when it gets tough...like all the other guys in Mom's life.<P>Stay true to the course - love your child unconditionally and tell him the door is open always when he's ready to come through. (And remind him every once in a while). He'll come around when he is no longer afraid to trust.<P>This $.02 worth has been brought to you by the Washington State Teacher Training program (and my student loans) <P>Good luck!