I am having such a hard time keeping aweful pictures of my STBX and the OW out of my mind. It takes my breath away, makes me sad, angry, every bad emotion there is. I try with all my might ie., occupying my time with work, work, reading, friends, and more work. It is just plain sick how a person you love with all your being can hurt you so deeply. Any suggestions on how I can clear my thoughts??

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((REJECTED))))))))))))))))))))))))<P>After reading several of Dr. Harley's books, reading a lot of this website, and the fact that I personally have a very logical thought process, I know that the affair will not last and end in pain. Your husband's affair and my wife's affair are no different than what is documented in many books. I found Dr. Harley's books eery as one could literally exchange my wife's name and my name with the names in the stories in the books and fit our situation exactly. At the very least, this "love" your STBXH has found will soon sour or, at the very least, never be as good as he thinks it will be. My mother had an affair with the OM when I was 3 and my brother was newborn. My mother divorced my father and married the OM. The "love" went away in about a year. The rest of the marriage was dead, dead, dead. It ended up being a dysfuctional home, so I know to protect my daughter (be the primary custodian).<P>You are at your absolute lowest right now and he is at his absolute highest. You have nowhere to go but up and he has nowhere to go but down.<P>Additionally, as in many cases, the OP is not a prize. I think of the OM and I just laugh. He is almost a decade older than my wife (STBX), he is balding, he is overweight, and he seems desperate to be with other people. My wife is currently doing things that are not in her nature in order to be with him; motorcycle riding for example. She would never do this before, so she is just play-acting to be with him. As they are a decade apart, they have little to share. She has already criticized his taste in music, his excessive body hair, and the fact that he is an "old man". My wife and I are only a few months apart in age and though we didn't have a lot of common ground, we had some. The OM is a smooth talker, but how long can he keep it up? My wife will wear him out as she is neurotic and continuously needy.<P>The bottom line is that the two have very little in common, other than that they are both desperate. Time will take care of the rest.<P>I do get depressed that justice has not yet been served. Time will take care of it. They will reap what the sow. What goes around comes around; and so forth.<P>All I can do is take care of myself and my daughter, advance my new career that I love, and enjoy the rest of my life. Although I have made some mistakes in my marriage, as we all have, I have done everything possible to behave as an honorable man and honor the commitment I made 10 years ago. We married young and weren't truly compatible, but no marriage is perfect. I still did everything I could once I knew something was wrong. My wife is a conflict avoider.<P>My wife is lost. She admits that she doesn't know what she wants. She is neurotic. She is slow, not dumb, but slow. I can only better myself and take care of my daughter. What they do is totally out of my control.<P>So... I know it makes you sick to think of the two of them together, but remember, it is a fools game. I can see by your pseudonym, REJECTED, that you are forming a negative self-image because of your foolish husband. It is your husband that has the problem, not you. You made mistakes in your marriage like will all do, but you didn't go outside the marriage to "solve" the problem, right?<P>Try these links as I have found them very helpful in settling my mind: <A HREF="http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10l.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10l.htm</A> <A HREF="http://www.mymotivation.com/relation/triangle.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.mymotivation.com/relation/triangle.htm</A> <A HREF="http://www.divorceinfo.com/adultery.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorceinfo.com/adultery.htm</A> <P>Remember that over time, your bad days will get less bad and farther apart and your good days will get better and closer together. Over time you can put your heart back together, but only if you let him go. It is time for Plan B to protect yourself.<P>Kevin<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited January 12, 2001).]

Unfortunatly there is no easy fix that will make your pain go away. I am sorry for what you are going through; I know how much that kind of pain seems to attach itself to every part of you...making even the simplist of things become gut wrenching.<P>What to do? Talk about it until you, yourself are bored with the topic. Keep a journal and write your thoughts down...this way you won't wear your friends and family out too much. If there is divorce support group in your area...go. Misery loves company and it does help to vent and talk to others who can relate. Accept that you didn't cause your stbx to run off with OW. He did that. If possible, stay away from him and her, don't cave in to morbid curiosity and what they are doing. Take the attitude of who cares? Accept that you are going to feel like Hell for awhile. Time really is the best healer...eventually the pain will dull to an ache...and then God willing, you will see things for what they were and you will be ready to embrace life once again. <P>Don't beat yourself up. Love and be kind to yourself. It's okay to mourn the death of your marriage; just don't sacrifice yourself to it.

Rejected,<P>It's just the worst isn't it? <P>It almost sounds to me (and I am not at all in the medical field...I've just "been there") like you may be having some problems with obsessive-compulsive thinking. It's totally common...I really think more people have episodes of this than not. I got totally obsessive when all of this started, and was really helped a lot by taking an anti-depressant. I fought taking anyting for this, but man...I got nothing done, was confused all the time...slept a lot, because of those obsessive thoughts and images.<P>If you're not taking meds you may want to check with your doc about them...they sure have helped a lot of us here get through the worst of this.<P>allison

I went to therapy for my self (still go), prayed like craze for my ex-wife, and did the med thing for a while.<P>Also exercise, talk, more talk, cry, more crying, eat even when not hungry. More talking, write (I wrote all the time, and more prayer!<P>It is a process and dreams were the worst for me! My dreams a very vivid! None for a while, I will say a prayer for you!

rejected,<P>One quick question: Are you religious? For me, that has been a God-send (no pun intended). A good friend of mine told me something when my wife first left that has still stuck with me today. It is a real short prayer, but I can attest it works wonders. Whenever I have "bad" thoughts concerning my wife I simply say the following:<P>"Lord, I know these thoughts are not being sent by you. And I know that they don't represent how I really feel. Please take these thoughts from me. Help me to focus on the love I have for my wife. Whatever her decision may be, keep me close to You and Your wishes."<P>I know it may sound a little corny, but amazingly as soon as I pray these words (and believe in them), the thoughts seem to vanish. It works for evil thoughts, revengeful thoughts, and jealous thoughts.<P>All I can suggest is to maybe give it a try. My wife is now gone about 10 months and to this day those thoughts have yet to rule my life. Don't get me wrong, they often appear in my mind, but after my request, they disappear as fast as they came.<P>Mike

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoTired2000:<BR><B>"Lord, I know these thoughts are not being sent by you. And I know that they don't represent how I really feel. Please take these thoughts from me. Help me to focus on the love I have for my wife. Whatever her decision may be, keep me close to You and Your wishes."<P>I know it may sound a little corny, but amazingly as soon as I pray these words (and believe in them), the thoughts seem to vanish. It works for evil thoughts, revengeful thoughts, and jealous thoughts.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think you even have to believe in them, or bring the question of your own thoughts into it. Just ask God to do good things for your STBX. Keep asking. It's amazing how quickly the evil thoughts dissipate.<P>

Sisyphus,<P>I understand what you are saying, and I do pray for her - everyday.<BR> <BR>This prayer though is for me, not for her. It is to help me get through the thoughts in my own head, at the precise moment I am experiencing them...to rid myself of them completely...