We have been married for twenty-two years. This is a lengthy story but I would rather get the story straight and leave nothing out.<BR>My wife had an affair with a man she worked with last year, she says its all over now but is still friends with him, which is upsetting me incredibly. Am I wrong? <BR>This all started early last year, I had to go away on work for a few weeks unexpectedly, something that was completely beyond my control. I missed her birthday while I was away, but did bring her home a lovely gift and phoned her every day. While I was away I kept on telling her to go out now and again with some of her girlfriends which she did occasionally. It so happened that I was delayed in coming home for an additional week also completely beyond my control. The plane arrived in late, my luggage got lost and I was pretty flustered. Over the weekend my wife told me she was going out with one of her girlfriends on the Monday night straight after work and she would be home later. This did not worry me at all. When she got home that Monday night she seduced me like never before and we made passionate love like we had never had in many years, but I just felt something was not right. The next morning I checked the trunk of the car and found a bag containing her best sexy lingerie.<BR>I approached her with it and she got very upset and apologetic and promised me nothing happened and eventually told me who it was, this guy she was working with, they went out for drinks. He had become a good friend and had helped her a lot at the company they were working for. I believed her. <BR>This took a few weeks for me to get over, but I did get very suspicious every time she went out and started checking up on what she was doing, which upset her. This went on for a few months and I did suspect that something was going on even though she promised many times that nothing was going on and got very upset when I checked up on her. In the interim I changed jobs, middle of the year and now have a very stressful demanding job which my wife encouraged me to take, but still suspected something may not be right.<BR>A month later it all came out. My 16 year-old SON saw the two of them necking and kissing in one of the local parks after work. This nearly killed me, never mind the effect on my son, and I got very very upset, as she then admitted that she had a relationship with this man and had made love to him, she says only once, in his car at a sheltered spot next to the river……, although I know in my heart that it was in a park one night after they had been out for a company dinner... <BR>This nearly wiped me out, as I am not that big a person and have always felt embarrassed because I am not that well endowed and this guy is a lot bigger than me, both in stature and his penis. My wife even admitted this to me when I asked her. We were both virgins when we met each other.<BR>No, I did not kick my wife out, I was very upset more because of all the lies, but insisted she stay and we resolve this and get on with our lives and patch things up. It has taken me a long time to deal with what has happened and I feel absolutely useless, worthless and a fool. Yes, I have got a bit possessive now and she gets very upset because I keep on checking up on her, but all I want is to get this behind us, get the truth out in the open and go on. I am willing to go for counselling but she does not want to, as she insists that no-one can help her with the way she feels. She tells me that she still loves me but refuses to break off the friendship with this guy and insists that they are just friends and I am just trying to “Control” her by insisting that she stops seeing him altogether, even though it is hurting me so much.<BR>We have had many arguments about this and she often goes out with her girlfriends as she says she needs some space from me. One of these friends is a divorcee who has already told me that I must go out and find my own friends and let my wife have her own friends.<BR>Later last year I discovered that she had changed the mailing address for her cellphone account to his address. When I asked her about it she said she was sick of me checking up on her and that it was her private business and nothing to do with me and that all I wanted to see was how many times she had been phoning him. Late last year I eventually convinced her to get the account mailed back to our home address.<BR>I thought things were really improving before Christmas, but then I noticed on Christmas day that she had a new 14 carat gold bracelet on. When I asked her where she got it from, she first told me she bought it herself on a sale. Later when I asked her again she admitted that the same guy had given it to her for Christmas. This upset the rest of my day, as it was a much fancier gift than the gold chain and pendant that I had given my wife. How can I now believe that it is just a casual friendship? Do men really give this type of gift to someone who is just a friend, I find this hard to believe, or am I wrong?<BR>My children are very upset about the situation too and I can see it is affecting their life and schoolwork. My daughter keeps on asking why her mother is talking and treating me so lousy. I really love my wife tremendously and out of respect for my wife have told no-one about this up to now but just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. <BR>She is all I have and really do not want to lose her. AM I WRONG IN ASKING HER TO GIVE UP THIS “FRIENDSHIP” FOR OUR SAKES? Can I really believe this is just a friendship?<BR>I really do not want to end this marriage, I love my wife very very much. She says she needs some space and is feeling suffocated and just does not want to discuss it with me any more, although she is making no moves to leave right now and says she does love me, although has often threatened that she has to get away from it all. <P><p>[This message has been edited by kevan (edited January 22, 2001).]

Whoa! Go back to that post and edit it so it has a few paragraph breaks (center icon). But I did see enough to notice that there is an "emotional affair" at least going on. You don't stop that by demanding it unilaterally. Look into Plans A and B, and Dr. Harley's writings on affairs.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>Whoa! Go back to that post and edit it so it has a few paragraph breaks (center icon). But I did see enough to notice that there is an "emotional affair" at least going on. You don't stop that by demanding it unilaterally. Look into Plans A and B, and Dr. Harley's writings on affairs.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ok this is a start?<BR>I am new to this group, so what is "Plans A and B" and where do I get to "Dr. Harley's wiritng on affairs"<P>

<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A>

I am sorry to hear about your relationship. Believe me, we all understand it here, at least to one degree or another.<P>Personal suggestion, definatly look into plan A and plan B. They are quite sound concepts and can work. <P>Also look into counsling, if for no one else but yourself. Continue to try and get your wife to go with you. Watch your children, they may need their own private counsling to help them with some of the things that they are witnessing.<P>Read as much as you can here. There is some very valuable information on this site that will help you. Come here to vent or ask questions. You will not find a better group of people around. The people here do truly care. And last know that you are not alone in this and know that you will survive!<P>~Java

here are some links that I was given when I first started out here. They really do help! I am sure someone else could make them look neater, but hey, I tried here. I am just not as well versed in doing things like this....<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P><p>[This message has been edited by JavaAllNightLong (edited January 22, 2001).]

Kev - I think you put the paragraph breaks in, but it's still a little daunting without blank lines between the paragraphs. I know it still makes my eyes swim...

kevan:<P>"My wife had an affair with a man she worked with last year, she says its all over now but is still friends with him, which is upsetting me incredibly. Am I wrong?"<P>In my opinion, no you're not wrong. Friends after an affair - not likely. Even if the sex is over, the passion is simmering, waiting for something to bring it to a boil.<P>I understand your pain and your fear. You don't want to lose the wife you love and you're afraid to push too hard and insist too much. You feel inferior to this "bigger" man. You are not inferior. He is. He got involved with a woman he knew was married and messed with her marriage. <P>Now you have some links thanks to sis and Java, to the site to read up on Plan A and Plan B and the rest of the Harley's philosophy. <P>That you were out of town on her birthday may have provided her an opportunity and even been the catalyst to permit her to enter into an affair. Things may have been missing in your marriage. But it doesn't justify what she did.<P>Her being secretive and resenting your checking up on her and turning on you, making you the bad guy for being suspicious, is the guilt of a betraying spouse coming out as an offense (best defense is an offense).<P>The bracelet - that's just cruel. She's literally waving it in your face. What to do about that?? Don't know.<P>Her divorced friend isn't a friend at all. She's helping to widen the rift in your marriage rather than heal it. <P>Finally, your wife and her "friend" have hurt the kids. What your 16 year old son saw was truly despicable. Your daughter sees how your wife treats you and comments on it.<P>Counseling with the Harleys? Consider it. If not, try to find someone who believes in marriage and families; and doesn't condone or facilitate divorce.<P>SOrry, but welcome to our little purgatory.<BR>Her actions <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited January 22, 2001).]

Thanks to everyone for this help, as a start.<BR>So, I guess the first step is to try and explain to my wife again that she should stop all contact with this guy.<BR>How do I do that when I have already tried twice already, once after I had been to my local doctor and discussed what had happened (I told her the doctor suggested it), and once a few months later when we had a disagreement and I eventually convinced her to change the mailing address on her cellphone account back to our home address. At this time it was atrade-off that she at least change the cellphone address as she kept on insisting that this was just a control issue and all I wanted to do was CONTROL HER??<BR>I feel if I approach her again about it, she will just get mad at me again.<BR>I am feeling pretty desperate right now as I have discussed this many times, sometimes in the wrong way (anger), sometimes calmly, to the stage where she says she just doesnt want to talk about it anymore, I must just give her time and believe that I love her. Yes, I have been pretty angry at times, but have also pratically gone on myhands and knees to do my best to give her what I can.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bellevue:<BR><B>kevan:<P><BR>SOrry, but welcome to our little purgatory.<BR>Her actions <P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Feb 13th<P>So, no matter what I try now, it is to no avail, she has made up her mind that she is leaving and going back to SA to her demanding, selfish, hard-headed mother who has basically manipulated her all her life. So why bother even trying anymore, I am just wasting my energy that I should be using to better myself. <P>She makes me as horny as all hell every time I see her because I am so attracted to her. No, she is not a perfect model but she is definitely attractive especially for her age and even some of my friends have commented on it and have even shown that they would love to get her into bed, even the guy I thought was my best friend finds it difficult to keep his hands off her once he has had a few drinks. I have mentioned this to her, but she says I must stop being ridiculous, he is just having some fun, but I can see how obvious it is, I am no fool. <P>Of course I am the last person she wants to get into bed with now, as I just am not good enough for her anymore and have hurt her so much with my words and actions that she will never warm to me again. She has found someone else more physically appealing that can meet her sexual needs better than what I ever have. I have always felt that I wasn’t giving her enough as I am below average in sexual girth and now that she has found a real man I guess I have lost her completely because she has found that size really does matter and does make a difference. I can see that she would just love to get back with this man and experience some more of what she had with him and is just getting more and more frustrated staying with me.<P>She thinks I am just a useless weakling, as she has already told me that she wants her husband to be a man, not a wimp like I have been the last few years and the last year in particular while I have been trying to cope and keep my head above water and stay employed so as to meet her and my children’s financial needs. Was I so blinded that I did not see what was happening, yes I did suspect things, but surely after all these years of marriage you would think that she would have approached me first and told me where I was going wrong in our relationship, even though I know myself that sometimes I do tend just to ignore things.<P>Every time she talks to me I can hear the anger and how she despises me by the tone of her voice. She has given up trying to be nice to me any longer and just views me as a burden to her life and just feels obliged to be with me until she can get the hell out of this country. As I told her last night all I want is to hold her in my arms and love her, but she said she is going back to SA regardless and I must come to terms with that. Well then, she must go and get herself sorted out whatever it takes, I have had enough of trying to suit her every need, getting frustrated when I cant meet them. <P>I know there is the very good chance that once she gets there she will find someone more suited to her needs. She has proven to herself that she can do it as she has once already in the last year, so why shouldn’t she do it again once I am out of her way? She will have no responsibilities to worry about once she leaves here.<P>I am really trying my best to get into my job but am just being overwhelmed by this all the time and find it very difficult to concentrate on anything.<BR>How I despise the day that this affair came out in the open and that the two of them were so stupid, brazen and careless to sit and kiss each other in Minoru Park in broad daylight and that my son had to see them. This just shows that she has little or no respect left for me and actually did not care who saw them together and was just more interested in having a good time. Some of our friends do use this park occasionally too as a place to relax. She must have been really fed up with me to do something like this, after me believing that she would never do something like this, as even though she used to joke around with our friends often as we all do she always portrayed that she did not like the very promiscuous attitude of the people she worked with. Although I did at the time start seeing that her attitude and level of morality was changing with time the longer she worked there with this bunch of immoral bunch of men. I did, many times try and get her to leave this company, primarily because of the health problems she was experiencing from the chemical fumes but also because of the attitude of the people in the company.<P>How do I get rid of this anger and frustration that builds up inside me every time I think of this guy and what he has caused by seducing my wife? Often when I think about it I get this horrible feeling running through my body like an electric current that is burning me. I think of the two of them making love and I get this horrible big knot in my stomach and just want to die. Every time I see a dark-blue Buick, the same as he drives these feelings well up again inside me. Every time my wife mentions the company or I find paperwork at home with the company name on it, it makes me furious. Every time I drive past Minoru Park I get so upset. I am sure that most of the people at that company know what has happened and are smirking behind my back at what a fool I have been to mistreat such a lovely person as my wife and let this happen. Mind you, they are such an immoral bunch that they most probably think, well done, at least he managed to get in her pants. <P>One of the main topics of interest around that office was sex and promiscuity with dirty jokes being circulated quite often. As an example, even after my wife had left the company, when she re-routed her cellphone account to his Post Office Box address (so that I would not see who she had been in contact with), he dropped it off at the company she is working at presently in an envelope together with a graphic joke of the Bay-Watch girls giving blow-jobs. He called it a ‘little ha-ha”! I find this pretty hard to accept that it is just something ‘innocent’ coming from a ‘friend’.<P>Besides the fact that he is still in contact with her in this fashion, I also find it upsetting that he has the cheek to go and visit my wife at the company she is working at presently. One of our good friends works together with my wife at this company. I have only had the opportunity once to visit my wife where she works presently and she ushered me outside as soon as I arrived without introducing me to anyone. Her excuse was that they were very strict about visitors and did not take kindly to people standing around which seems a bit lame to me, considering that at the previous company she was pretty open about introducing me to her workmates.<P>Slowly but surely all our friends here are finding out what has happened and I am feeling more of a fool and an idiot every day because I know that most of this has been my fault for not giving my wife what she really wanted in life, that is to live close to her mother.<P>What a fool I have been to think that we could ever have been happy here in Canada. I should just have done what she wanted many years ago and moved down to Durban so that she could be close to her mother. Her mother is now suffering from skin cancer, osteo-arthritis and emphysema, although will still not stop smoking cigarettes despite all the doctor’s warnings. <BR>We would have ended up with them living with us and supporting them, as he is just a lazy bum who thinks that we should now be obliged to support him in his old age. As an outsider I find it so difficult to accept that she is willing to go back to the two people who have caused her so much pain and anguish in her life when she was young. <BR>I suppose I am just very insensitive and don’t realize the mother-daughter bond. She has already told me that my sister is taking care of my mother so I have nothing to worry about. Maybe she is right, I should be like my sister’s husband and just accept that I must take in my parents-in-law and look after them? There is a subtle difference here, my parents were always and my mother still is financially independent to a large degree.<P>Yesterday morning I left for work feeling very depressed and was really upset and in tears. This is mainly due to the feeling of guilt that I have for what has happened and what I have done to her and the constant feeling that she is just tolerating me and is sick and tired of my nonsense and that I cannot let go of it. She phoned me a few times at work yesterday morning, but I was very busy and only managed to call her back around 10:30 am. Straight away I could hear the anger, sharpness and resentment in her voice because I had not called her back when she thought I should have called her back. This continued even when I got home last night and no matter how much I apologize to her for what has happened and tell her that I still love her very deeply, she just seems to be ignoring me more and more. She says she cannot take it anymore and I must just pull myself right. I asked her last might how her day had been and she answered, “terrible, what do you expect after walking out of here in the condition you were?”<P>Today, Valentine’s day I bought her a dozen red roses in a vase and a card, and left it on the dining room table as she was still asleep when I left for work. I got a surprising phone call when she got to work, thanking me for the flowers and the lovely surprise she got when she walked downstairs this morning. This is the first time in quite a while that I have heard a loving tone in her voice.<P>

kevan, are you getting any counseling or therapy? You are not only dealing with your wife's betrayal, and the inevitable grief, loss, hurt, insecurity, and fear that stem from it; but you are also dealing with self-doubt, feelings of guilt (much of it false guilt), and probably with depression. That's a lot to try to handle on your own.<P>I think you should spend less time worrying about what you <I>could</I> have done in the past that might or might not have made any difference, and concentrate more on what you can do <I>now</I>. Have you read up on Plan A yet?<P>There are two things you need to do. First, take care of yourself and work on your self-respect. Second, show your wife that you love her, and that you love her unconditionally. This is what Plan A is for.<P>It is not necessarily a bad thing for her to move back to be with her mother, especially if living with you compares favorably. This may serve to remind her of what she has left. Furthermore, it is a <I>good thing</I> for your wife to separate herself from the OM, and moving away accomplishes this to at least some degree. <P>But if your wife <I>does</I> move to be with her mother, then you will need to seriously consider following her. This would show her that you are serious about wanting her back, which is good, but it also could be taken as a sign that you can't let go of her. You want to avoid that, since you <I>must</I> let go of her. If she doesn't come back of her own free will, then you will never really have her back at all.<P>Juggling all these things is <I>not</I> going to be easy. I wish it were.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B><P>But if your wife <I>does</I> move to be with her mother, then you will need to seriously consider following her.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Following her is going to be very very difficult.<BR>Firstly I have two children, a daughter aged 20, studying third year at university. A son, aged 16, in Grade 11. Both of my children have emphatically stated that they do not want to leave this country. We came here to give them a better life.<BR>Secondly, following my wife would mean moving to a country the other side of the world, literally.<P>NOW, HOW, HOW, do I stop wanting to be physically close to my wife. Through this all I have not pulled away from her but have this overwhelming desire to be as close to <BR>my lovely wife as possible every chance I can get. This is pullingme apart because she is shying away.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B>NOW, HOW, HOW, do I stop wanting to be physically close to my wife. Through this all I have not pulled away from her but have this overwhelming desire to be as close to <BR>my lovely wife as possible every chance I can get. This is pullingme apart because she is shying away.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, let me know if you figure it out. By far the hardest thing for me in my own situation is that I can't give my wife a hug and tell her how much I love her.<P>All I can say is that you can't always get what you want. That's just something you've got to accept.<BR>

Kevan<P>Rest assured it is not because of sex or lack of or size,that your wife had the affair, especially after 20 yrs of marriage. <P><BR>For women, it is usually because the other man (om) is meeting some other needs that make her feel romantic and then the romantic feeling turn to sex. <P>You are receiving good advice here. You may also want to post on the Just FOund Out site where there are many other to support you.<P>You must have patience. Do not rush into any snap judgements. Read up on Plan A.<P>Good Luck and God Bless.<P>Bob

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B>Following her is going to be very very difficult.<P>Firstly I have two children, a daughter aged 20, studying third year at university. A son, aged 16, in Grade 11. Both of my children have emphatically stated that they do not want to leave this country. We came here to give them a better life.<P>Secondly, following my wife would mean moving to a country the other side of the world, literally.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I just wanted to point out that I didn't say it would be easy, and I didn't say you should <I>do</I> it. I said you should <I>consider</I> it.<P>You should also consider whether it's a good idea to uproot your children in order to follow what might end up being a pipedream...<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B> You should also consider whether it's a good idea to uproot your children in order to follow what might end up being a pipedream...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know in my heart that I cannot take my family back there, I know that what they have now and what they will have in the future no matter what happens will still be more than they would ever have had there. I know that even for myself going back there for whatever reason will not improve anything. <BR>I guess some things you just cannot do anything about, but you can always try your best, especially for someone you love so deeply want to give them everything you can. I just want to forget it all and go on. I am really afraid of losing my job through all this as I just cannot concentrate on my work as I should be doing and there is no way I can let anyone at work know what has/is happening, it will only make katters worse and I know they will see me in a bad light for not being able to cope with my family life.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B> <BR>I guess some things you just cannot do anything about, but you can always try your best, </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So thats it, screwed up again. I got home last nighta bit late from work, unaviodable. At least got a peck on the cheek this time. My wife went upstairs, came down and found me looking at her little notebook with her telephone numbers in it. It is a little business diary and I reall wasnt interested in her damn telephone numbers, was just looking at all the intersrting info they put in these littel diaries, like the maps, conversion table etc. Of course she blew a fuse and started giving me hell about me poking my nose in her personal belongings. Its not as if I went snooping in her handbag, it was on the diningroom table. So of course another argument. Even though I apologised many times for doing this I still got the cold shoulder. My 16 year old son was upset again last night about this all and is now convinced it is time he moved out for a while, says he cant take me being beaten up like this and treated like cr..p all the time for stupid inconsequential things and cant take the fact that she thinks it is till alright that she keeps in contact with the [censored] OM. I am going for counselling again tonight whether she likes it or not and whether she thinks it is a stupid idea or not.<P>Love all you guys out there that are helping and supporting me through this.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B> was just looking at all the intersrting info they put in these littel diaries, like the maps, conversion table etc. Of course she blew a fuse and started giving me hell about me poking my nose in her personal belongings.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Anything that looks like suspicion or distrust is not part of a good Plan A. It's a lovebuster. Once she realizes that she's in danger of losing something irreplaceable, that's when you get a recovery plan in place that shatters those ridiculous boundaries. Right now, you seem far from that point, but you're pressing like you're already there. <P>Stop alienating your son from her, tell him that you have plenty to answer for yourself, and that forgiveness will be hard to come by for anyone if the family fractures. Ask him not to be the one to start that happening.<P>Stay in touch and good luck.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> <P>Stay in touch and good luck.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, now I have done it, me and my big damn mouth, when will I ever learn to shut up and keep my stupid selfish emotions to myself. Somehow I think the chance of getting close again to her is now gone for good.<P>We had a pretty good weekend, a bit strained but quite good.<P>Then Sunday night I blew it again. Started discussing with her our relationship and what is happening and where we are going. <P>She has just had enough of me harping on it all the time and me reminding her and off-loading guilt onto her.<P>I am just finding it so difficult to accept that she will not completely break off contact with this OM.<P>A few weeks ago I said to her that I cannot expect her to change any of her relationships until I can improve myself and get myself sorted out, but this is just completely eating me away.<P>She feels caged in, oppressed and smothered. I have never meant to do this but possibly have without realising it as she had more freedom in South Africa than what she has had here having to work fullday.<P>It is quite obvious I have not been pulling my weight enough and relying too much on her as she said last weekend she did it with the OM because she needed someone to lean on.<P>She has now told me she will be going back to South Africa as soon as possible and doubts if she will ever return to Canada.<P>This is all as a result of me not being able to keep my mouth shut. <P>I told the kids everything that has been going on because they keep on asking me why she wouldnt give up this OM completely. They knew I was upset on Christmas day but did not know why until I stupidly told them instead of keeping my big mouth shut. (about the gift OM bought her). <P>She is now sick and tired that every weekend I start my nonsense about our relationship and just feels that I will never ever let her forget it. All I want is just to get back to our old selves but I guess that is now gone forever through my stupidity, insensitivenes, and selfishness.<P>She is very very upset with me that I told the kids everything and all the details and that I have actually poisoned them against her (my catching them in the Shopping Mall last year when I got called away from the golf tournament and went hunting for her to tell her I had to go to work, the resultant argument with OM where he told me that I must stop treating her like a child and grow up as the affair was over and they were just friends [that was before Christmas], the gold bracelet gift OM gave her for Christmas, that she was still in contact with him but I was not too sure how serious it was, that it was tearing me apart) , what a damn fool I have been.<P>Our son got upset last night and told her that he could not take the fighting anymore, cannot concentrate on his schoolwork and wants to go and stay with someone else for a while until we sort things out. She got very very upset about this and refused to listen to our son and demanded that I put this right. Our son then blurted it out that he cannot take it anymore that she is still in contact with this OM. She told him that her relationships and the relationship between me and her were not of direct concern of the kids and that whatever happens she still loves them tremendously, but it did not end there and our son and my wife ended up having a terrible argument.<P>In the ensuing argument she did say that she had returned the bracelet!!! This is the first I knew about this.<P>She also feels that our daughter has been judging her unfairly and cannot see both sides of the picture and that both kids have come to see her as only their servant and nothing better.<P>We eventually all three asked her what she wants us to do to put things right again. She said she just wants help and cooperation from all of us around the home and more consideration for her, her privacy and some time to herself instead of being tied down to the home, cooking, washing ironing and cleaning.<P>Yes, I have expected too much from her, expected her to be totally honest with me and tell me where she was going all the time because I was so scared of what was happening and had happened. As she said to me last night I have put too much importance on my job and forgotten eveything else around me.<P>I have been treating her like a child and know now that I have very possibly lost her for good through my pettiness and my blabbermouth. Believe it or not it was not intended to be this way but as they say in the classics "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"<P>As she says, she has gone through utter hell these last six years here in Canada, has tried everything she can but just cannot do it anymore and feels more frustrated, tied down, restricted and oppressed than she ever did in South Africa even with all the violence and security issues to put up with there.<P>So instead of listening to the advice I received, having some patience, and trying to get myself sorted out first, I have instead pushed things over the edge and completely torn my family and marriage apart - well done.<P>Of course once she finds out that I have been discussing this with our good friends that will be the end of those friendships too because she will tell them the truth from her side.<P><BR>I should have just listened to her in the first place and moved down to where her mother is staying. As she says I have put my kids first in place of our marriage.<P>I now have two weeks backlog of work to try and get on top of, including the three days I was off work last week, but that is my fault and no-one else's.<BR>

So sit your kids down and tell them that you and their mother were not able to balance your collective responsibilities to them and your marriage. Tell them it's not something that happens to everybody, but a mistake parents sometimes make. Tell them what has happened <I>cannot</I> be viewed as entirely <I>her</I> fault--that in relationships where two spouses are healthy and skilled, self-protective mechanisms lead to the marriage being repaired where it has problems, but sometimes problems can sneak up on people, especially when they're distracted and disrupted. Ask them to forgive her for the things that you told them she did, and to forgive you for telling them and for <I>your</I> part in the marital problems. <P>Then see if you can take some of the pressure off your wife. She needs to, of course, get away from OM. But you don't do that with a crowbar. She has to decide to do that. One thing that can help her do that is if her kids <I>don't</I> hate her for what has happened. If she thinks that's happening, all she feels is that she has no one left and that you're the cause. <P>The fact that there was a lot of pain over the weekend may or may not have permanent negative consequences. Just keep trying to do the best you can.