I signed the papers that my wife had drawn up the first week of Jan. I wanted to work on the marriage and my wife did not. I have avoided all comm. with my wife and the only time that we talked to each other is after she called or visited me. <P>I received an email from her Friday which said the following: <P>I miss talking to you, I came "this close" coming over to your house last night to see what you were doing, we were really good friends, and i hope that we can be that way again soon. You were probably the best friend i ever had, and that was probably our problem: we were good friends but not very good as a married couple. Don't hesitate to call me. I miss you as a friend.<P><BR>What should I make of this and how should I respond.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Whatever relationship she wants with you ... try to provide it. I know "lets' be friends" hurts like hell. But do it if you can.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This <I>still</I> applies. Now might be a good time also to suggest Retrouvaille, PAIRS, Gottman, etc.<P>"We weren't a good married couple." is a cop-out, and don't try to force her to recognize it, but you recognize it. You might tell her how hurt you are right now, and how hard it is to be her friend, but tell her how much you want to be her friend and that you think that for that to happen, it would be better if <I>you</I> got some help. Then suggest that <I>your</I> therapy might go faster and better if she were there. Then also suggest that the therapy be the PAIRS, Retrouvaille, etc., since even though you're just going to be friends, you once were married and need to learn what happens in troubled marriages so that you can find out how to let go of that.<P>Good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 05, 2001).]

Have Hope,<P>My ex said the exact same words to me about being "best friends" living together and us not being meant to be married. I agree with Sisyphus that it is a cop-out. Why would I have been married to someone that wasn't also my best friend? Where is the logic in that?<P>Anyway, back to the topic at hand...IMHO, you need to handle this situation in what ever manner you feel is best for you. When my W left, I worked really hard to maintain that friendship (and I still do), but it was very difficult for me to be with her as just a friend. It hurt me too much. At times I still only feel strong enough to email her, but it's getting a little better as time goes by.<P>My best advice would be to see if you feel comfortable in doing so, but don't expect too much. And speaking from experience, don't read something into every little thing she does either. I have done that way too much myself and I keep getting myself hurt. If she still wants your friendship, then you know she still cares about you. You can always take solice in that.<P>Do what you feel in your heart.<P>- Jayhawk

thank you both for your comments.<P>I emailed her and asked if she would like to go to dinner.<P>During dinner I plan to ask her out right if she absolutly sees no opportunity for us to be a couple again and if she truly only wants to be friends. My reason for this is so that I dont get my hopes up for anything. I am going to tell her that we will never be able to be friends like we were because we were that close because we were husband and wife. I mean just think if she is having a date over for dinner and I call as a friend but yet I am her ex.... that wouldnt be comfortable for either of us.<BR>I will also let her know that I have been on such a emotional ride lately that it may take me some time to be just a friend without feeling pain.

Whoa! No <I>couple</I> talk. Just go have a meal and be nice to her. One of the things she feels is <I>pressure</I>, whether you're the one supplying it or not. All you can do is avoid adding to it.

okay i will take it easy and just try to have a good time and not discuss our relationship <P>thanks for your comments

I agree with Sis to keep the couple talk out of it for now, but just be aware of your emotions. Although you may feel really good during dinner and be on a somewhat emotional high if all goes well, you will probably drop back down the next day because the two of you are apart. At least that is what kept happening with me.<P>Good luck!

Don't take her to a romantic dinner, that is pressure. I did this and it became too quiet and the conversation became forced. We ended up fighting the whole way home.<P>Go to someplace fun. Keep it casual. I agree with the others, don't ask that question because you won't get the answer you want. <BR>She will say, that yes she just wants to be friends. You have to build an environment where she wants to come back. <P>God Bless,<P>Bob

The best marriages are built on friendship. If your wife thinks you can "just" be friends, I'd say don't disillusion her. Be the best possible friend.<P>What she doesn't need to know, but what <I>you</I> will always keep in mind, is that her friendship with you is seriously "risky" for her: it could (re-)blossom into romance at any time - <I>If</I> you keep the pressure off and go all-out on Plan A. Keep making deposits into her "love bank", and let <I>her</I> direct the pace of your relationship.<BR>

thank you for your posts. Your suggestions sound a lot better than what I was planning to do. We are going to go to dinner next week. It is really hard to just be friends when I want so much more and the fact that she may be involved with another man. But, I am going to try to bite my tongue and have a good time. I suppose that I should treat our relationship now as if we have just met and are starting over.

have hope,<BR>i just had to write you because your situations is sooooo much like mine. i've been divorced for 1 1/2 month now but separated for the past 20 months (with a few times of reconciliation in between). in december on the day of my divorce (which i did file for) he grabbed me and hugs me and tells me how he still loves me, then for christmas he gives me cards asking if we can still be "best friends". we are battling with that now because he tells me if he can't be married to me he needs to be part of my life somehow. i tell him i can't be best friends with him only, i still love him. he says he still loves me but knows we cant live together and things would never work out, even with therapy. i, like you don't know how to handle this, because i can't take much more hurt. everyone gave you some good advise, take it one day at a time, i guess that's what i'll do also. if you need someone to talk to you can email me at RamirezOE@hotmail.com<P>hang in there!