I was away Thurs-last night with new GF at a Gottman workshop in Seattle: "The Art & Science of Love."<P>Only had Kinkos for a rather expensive connection to the 'net ... for urgent matters only.<P>Program was little-changed from "The Marriage Survival Kit" back in April, except I think the new name brought a different tranch of couples less in crisis (at least, the weeping and wailing was much less and the Kleenex was hardly touched this time).<P>Things went fine for new GF and me. We're now closer than ever, but somehow being in that situation again made it again tough to let go of XW. I didn't have "flashbacks" much, or realize all sorts of new things. I just have XW so deeply ingrained in me that only the North Koreans could get her out. New GF felt me more distant on the flights back (a United 777 connecting through Denver, but flight number changed and everything, so we had to take all our stuff off and put it back on)--and not all of that was from the wearying effect of sitting in a confined space with a constant roar in your ears. <P>I'm doing my best. And I've heard absolutely nothing from XW since mid-January when I outed her secret. She might as well have died. The hard line she had installed at the apartment building she moved to has been disconnected, and she had been squirrely about that address. I think she may have moved back in with her brother, who may himself have moved to bigger digs. That would explain her cell phone still being active and her wanting to receive mail at her office, as well as her reversing her decision to sell her car (lower expenses elsewhere now allow her to keep it).<P>Anyway, I'm coming under increasing pressure from new GF to wrap things up with XW, although in the course of the workshop, new GF did get detail from me on the "parade of horribles" thinking that keeps me from pushing XW hard ... essentially, that XW might complain to XFIL, who might have XBIL come see me, and that might escalate physically (I don't think a direct complaint from XW to XBIL would have same effect as XFIL's Corleone-like "why don't you go and reason with him"). <P>Anyway, I'm looking to shake off old, inadequate thinking and habits, and get unstuck in my professional and personal life, and I'm afraid progress is achingly slow. I'm sure others have had this experience.<P>I would like to know once and for all where XW stands, and I think her lack of communication now is confusion and perhaps depression, not hostility. If she were deliriously happy without me and had moved on, she would have no problem telling me that. Same if she were angry and had decided never to cooperate with me again. And obviously, if she unreservedly wanted me back, she would go after me with the same gusto she displays in pursuing any other of her needs or wants. Since the three corners of the triangle all point toward me hearing something, that leaves her floating silently in the middle.<P>Right now, she has crawled in a hole and pulled the hole in after her; much as I did following the divorce. Maybe realization of what she had done finally hit her. I don't know. So even though I'm with new GF, there are lots of things I would want to say to XW, most of which would make me very vulnerable. With zero contact, though, it's hard to not have that seem just a desperate bid for reconnection. <P>So the bottom line is I'm confused. As usual. I should just learn to live happily in this state.
